Labor of Lo . . . Pure cussedness

They started pitocin at 2 because I fell. Still waiting. Does blogging in labor make up for missing saturday?

i can not believe

that i haven't had this kid yet. my cousin - the one who didn't know she was pregnant for 7 months and was due the same day as me and has a serious girlfriend .. . yeah, she had her baby - three days ago. so basically she was pregnant (insofar as she knew) for about 7 weeks - WTF. i'm actually not feeling as bitter about it as i'm jmaking it sound.

i have managed to get almost all my proverbial ducks in a row, a loosely assembled row it's true, but hell - they're ducks what are ya gonna do.

OH --- my boy can do word problem subtraction. he and my mother went through the dunkin donuts drive thru. he heard my mother order three munchkins. as they drove he asked for one and then the other. finally he asked for another and my mother told him that there weren't any more. he says - yes there is - one more left. my mother said how do you know - he says you got three and i ate two. screw chinsabop man - all we need is munchkins.

we decorated the xmas tree today. friggin xmas. i'm just saying - anyway, his teacher at school has basically been bullying us into providing a family picture - so here it is - i look like a giant green whale

grrrr

i wish people would stop telling me they have a feeling i'm going into labor because the truth is - i don't think i'm ever going into labor.

the boy and the father got the tree today. if you know me you know i'm not really a fan but it's nice. we took out some of the xmas stuff too and the boy slept with the stuffed santa we have and his book of course. normally he just sleeps with books like they were teddy bears. what can i say - he's an odd kid. OH and he did his own buttons tonight on his pajama top

i'm only one woman dammit

i can't spend much time with you today my friends. we are working on names.

adara
Adira
Alannah
alessandra
Alexis
althea
Amira
andreana
annabel
annalisa
Annorah
Anya
Anyanka
Arabelle
Arela
ariela
ariya
Avaline
Belinda
bethany
Brieanna
Brighid
Brigitte
caitlin
caitrin
camille
caragh
Catriona (Katrina)
Cessair
Charissa
Coralee
cordelia
Corinna
Dalila
danae
danika
daria
darianda
Davina
Dechtire
deidre
Delaine
delia
demara
Devnet
diella
Drusilla
faith
Genevieve
gianna
guinevere
Gwendolyn
hazel
iphigenia
Isabel
isabella
jacinda
jacqueline
jamie
janessa
jayden
jezebel
jocasta
joie
josephine
juliet
kaia
Kara
Kareena
katarina
katya
kaya
Kaydee
kayla
kayla
kaylee
Kaylin
Keiara
Kerrin
Kerwiin
Laina
Lavena
leandra
Leannan
Lenore
letitia
Lilah
Lilibeth
lilly- lilly anne
Linette
Lorelei
lucinda
lysandra
magdalene
marissa
melissa
moira
Nessa
Priscilla
reanna
rhea
rhiannon
roisin
Rosaleen
rosalind
rose
Roxanne
Sabina
sabrina
saffron
Samantha
Saraid
seachlan
Seanna
Serafin
Serena
Sitara
Sorcha
Sorina
starling
stephanie
sybil
Tabitha
tahlia
talullah
Tamara
tamsin( tem-sheen)
tatanya
teagan
Teressa
toireasa
Vanessa
veronica
winifred

not today either

i had to go have a non-stress test today. i won't walk you through all the details but there seemed to have been less movement. anyway, apparently all was well - unfortunately not a single contraction in sight. big surprise - the first kid i thought would be late was two weeks early. this one? well, i didn't think i would go really early but everyone else was surprised to see me even make it out of november and here we are - if the kid came today it'd only be about a week early. i thought the second one was supposed to come earlier dammit!!

giant baby update

two weeks to go - 9 pounds - no dilation - no reason to assume the end is in sight AIGH


so i keep thinking of the delivery. and the things that go through my mind are the fears, looking forward to moving again - idk doing a pushup or going for a walk and who i will be calling. and who i won't be calling. i keep remembering gideon's emails when malachai was born. he was so excite dof rme and he was never excited. and then months later he told me "more than any other woman i know motherhood hasn't really changed you. maybe it's because you always were a mom" when you adore someone watching them be a parent can boost your love for them. the people who i felt reacted this way with me - - it was like a giant hug and gideon was right there near the top of the list. the crying has started again in the last few days. i just can't keep doing this. and i can't stop either. i really feel like i've stepped into a whole new life. like my history has been erased. sigh.

iwould like to stay up and watch men of a . .. OOOOO i HAVE TIVO!!!! whooohooooo :) still a couple of things we haven't figured out about it but i think i have this one

just a couple more days . ..

that's all i need. mostly eerything is done but just a couple more days. lol. i'm laughing because i'm not sure that my request for just a couple days is eer going to go away. both kids will be living on their own before i do everything that i think i need to do to prepare. sigh. but honestly i got a number of things done today. my whole body is hurting badly but this is the price i suppose. tomorrow i see the doctor who will check and see if i have begun to dilate or not. i'm not optimistic.

AND i managed to write three outstanding emails today and call my aunt. YAY for me - i shall reward myself by NOT falling asleep in front of the computer screen . . . yet again

snow snow snow

i hate the stuff - quite a bit in fact.

massage tomorrow - THANK GODDESS

must contact soooo many people - blech

keep remembering that i have forgotten to post pictures here - i said there would be pictures



poor brendan fraser - he really is a good actor -watch gods and monsters - but good lord he picks the worst movies EVER

we are taking the boy to see santa claus tomorrow - company christmas party. i am not looking forward to going myself but he loves it; they do a marionette show and brunch and crafts and santa comes. uck. i'm nauseous just thinking about it. and then tomorrow night i need to go to bed at like 7 because i'm going to have to squeeze as much work into next week as possible. assuming i have more time than next week might be ridiculously optimistic. hell, it might be optimistic to assume i have next week. monday i go in and have an ultrasound and they check my cervix. i have been getting slight back cramps here and there for the last two days; no the hip pain from before more like a period pain. i know- you're riveted. look, considering, i've been pregnant for like seven years now i think i have done pretty well sparing you all the GORY details.

if i ever end up in a syfy movie - i would prefer not to be eaten by the dinosaur, kay?

people annoy me

mostly on the internet. i tend to make the mistake that there are honest conversations to be had; there aren't. there's flame flame and more flame. sigh. that's all i have to say about that. feeding energy into a power suck and all.

so i have reached that stage of pregnancy where the swelling doesn't go away just because i put my leg up. my hands are swelly; i'm dehydrated and this kid is kicking my ass!! well, okay, not technically my ass but you know what i'm saying.

also, and i'm really really hoping this is a resurgence with the pregnancy hormones . . . i miss gideon so much. i feel so alone when i think of him. this seriously better go away.

i now officially have everything i need to welcome this kid into the world. well, except the nerve to go through this whole birthing thing again. i wasn't really worried about it initially - the last time it went alright but then i started thinking about it . . . nothing has gone as well as it went last time dammit!!!!

um, why is alyson hanigan doing commercials?? it's wrong. oh, and lovely lovely dollhouse was on again. oh, joss!!

in other douchebag news: http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2009/dec/04/mayor-fires-at-obama-online/
the dude claims that obama timed his speech to interrupt the charlie brown xmas special. here's what he said:
"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."

and here are all the problems with the accusation as well as what he said
1. a charlie brown christmas is the height of your christian holiday?? THAT's your simple

2. the man is a friggin christian - hell, weren't you all pissed off at his "racist" christian preacher (for an explanation of why that is in quotes refer to my earlier rant about the difference between racism and prejudice)

3. i have never heard anyone ask him or him answer the question does he believe jesus christ is the son of god

4. let's pretend that scenario is true - WHY are we asking our president that question - why does htat matter??!!

5. again pretending the scenario is true - it isn't enough for these people that he be a christian / he has to be their kind of christian. people have different interpretations of who jesus was etc etc

6. and this is the most important: SO WHAT IF HE IS AN EFFING MUSLIM??? HOW IS THAT AN ISSUE.

- - - - i hear this all the time and say, no, he's a christian. and then i'm upset at myself for saying that. because the answer is - WHO CARES!!! is it a crime to be a muslim now?? is that really where we are at??? i know it's where we are at - i just can't stand it!!

oh, and one final aside (slight tangent) about that article - is there nothing that the man is doing policy wise for you to be pissed off about?? we have to make up shit about religion and birthplace and yadda yadda yadda. i mean, hell, i'm basically a supporter and i'm pissed off about some actual issues (DADT / DOMA)

so there - there are more people who annoyed me. some of them on the internet / some of them being reported about on the internet - - - you'd think i'd be smart enough to stay off the internet ;)

i can taste you on my lips

i have done far too much thinking, talking and researching today to have anything left to say here


the clothe diaper lady came today. we are going to try using a service. with malachai his skin was too sensitive and washing the diapers here didn't help but there was no service that did our area back then. so we'll see how it goes.

lidocane tomorrow - YAY

so i had begun to think that my stuffy nose etc. was going on too long and i remember another friend complaining when she was pregnant . . . turns out it's called pregnancy rhinitis. OH JOY - because i haven't had every other issue in the world. "Symptoms of pregnancy rhinitis usually resolve on their own within two weeks of labor and delivery." FANTAB



yeah, yeah, i know - mainstream for them but still . . . <3 it

a very good day / a very poor night

i got presents today :)


but i had a lot to do tonight but i didn't get most of it done because someone remeinded me that i still don't have a name for this kid. so i have spent literally hours scouring for a name and i still have nothing and nothing has been done. and all carl wants to do is bring up names i hate - the same ones over and over. AIGH i'm starting to freak out.

the clothe diaper service lady comes tomorrow. i think she's a little batshit but . . . eh. actually, i am just starting to grasp the scope of how busy tomorrow will be - - -runs screaming.

national aids day

that's today. i had forgotten until i stumbled across a marathon of old gay issue movies. it's noteworthy that this day is no longer noteworthy. and i understand why - the seriousness of the issue is definitely diminished. but one of the movies was 'and the band played on' which was a very good - very sad movie. OH and another one 'in the gloaming' starred wilson from house but that's irrelevant. anyway - and the band played on - the story was very good on the personal piece of it; the historical recount in terms of the disease was fascinating etc. but the real thing that sticks out with that story is this - - - when some people are treated like second class citizens we all eventually suffer for it. it was a 'gay male disease' - hell, it was seen as nearly a blessing. course the book/movie begin in the late 70s but apparently the first identified case was 1959. kinda makes ya wonder what else we are brewing. anyway, i digress again. for some reason, gay rights are right up there in terms of the most important issue i can think of at the moment. i don't know why exactly i feel so drawn. i mean, sure, nominally i'm bi but my life is steeped in heterosexuality and so what difference should it make to me. or at least - this much difference - but that thought this morning cleaned it up for me a little - the idea that here is a way that it actually showed up that when some were oppressed . . . that plus i guess, there are so many complicated issue and this one isn't. it's like, all that time that was wasted bitching and arguing about whether anyone is born gay . . . blah blah blah - who cares? it might be interesting to know but it doesn't matter. thus ends my rant - i know, my eloquence is fading.

online xmas shopping

omg. that show hoarders. they just found a dead cat in someone's house - two of them.

i made the mistake of passing out at like 6 until about 9.30. now it's 2am and here i am still awake. i've spent the last hours trying to xmas shop on line with very little luck. but i am damned determined to do 95% of this from home. it isn't like i have any ideas any way. sigh. so if anyone knows what i should get my "in-laws" or my father and step mother or the director of the daycare - - that would be helpful.

conspicuous consumptionism and the chinese

i remember what i had planned to write about today. so this is will make up for the one that i passed out before i did - or something.

so the two things in the subject aren't related. or at least i have no intention on relating them. the chinese part is that i have been getting responses to my blogs in chinese. i know they are spam. i just thought it was funny.

anyway - consumerism etc. i have begun to waiver back and forth between whether i am acting in a sane and rational way or like some miserly scrooge. on facebook i read everyone's posts about all the xmas shopping they are doing for their kids who are the same age or younger than malachai. as of yet i have bought him a couple of books - was at the bookstore for carl's birthday and i always end up getting kai books - which i'm not even sure are for xmas necessarily. i buy the classics that he has to have and then hold on to them for a surprise or when he's a little older etc. - for example i already bought him the narnia chronicles; the wrinkle in time set; tolkien ; etc etc - stuff he isn't going to want / need for years but will definitely need. but i digress. additionally, while online shopping for other people i found paint yourself dinosaur kits. he loves dinosaurs - can't say spaghetti correctly but can pronounce just about every dinosaur - and he loves to paint; preferably on canvases or figurines. so anyway, that's what i got him and i don't really see myself getting much more than that. mike and paula will probably get him one or two things (and then give him money); my mom got him maybe four or five things; my dad and elaine maybe three or four things and maybe a random gift here or there (aunt jess is in town). hell, the last three xmases we only got him one gift each year. but he seems good with it. he has plenty to do and has only just begun wanting things in the stores so . . . i think we are doing the right thing. who knows - he gets older he'll probably hate us for it. that's why it's either a college fund or a therapy fund.

speaking of the dinosaur thing he told me today that a -insert dinosaur name i am incapable of pronouncing here- is a 'hervifores' (herbivores) and hervifores only eat plants. i smiled proudly and then immediately thought - omg, he IS the kid from jerry mcguire. poor little geek. :)

WTH

ugh. i don't know how long this experiment can hold out. i fell asleep typing yesterday's post and didn't have enough to even bothering posting it this morning. i was just falling asleep at my computer doing something else when i realized i should probably do today's since i am literally passing out and it's only 9.15

i am watching a show that explores whether mangela (nazi) fled ot brazil and continued his experiments into producing multiple births. there is apparently this town of like a thousand where there are currently 40 pairs of twins. ive always been fascinated by all things nazi; and serial killers and racism. i guess it's a fascination with what goes haywire in the brain that allows a person to void themselves of empathy. it isn't like they aren't aware of the humanity - they exploit it but they just don't let it get in their way viewing that person's feelings as less than. anyway, i think that's it - the reason i'm fascinated i mean. but who knows maybe there is just something wrong with me.

so while i would prefer to get some things left to do - the baby could come today and i think we would be in okay shape. but ideally i would like to get past this week. i mean sure, i'd like to be done being pregnant but there is just too much shit scheduled for this week and i have to finish my xmas shopping (which will all be done online). hmmm - maybe i should go do some of that.

my boy wrote letters today - s ; g; p; f; a; e and c - to varying degrees of success but he announced each one before and you could at least see that it was an attempt at that letter (ie the f was backwards etc) and we have never worked with him on them. yes, i am being unabashedly proud

i think my brain just broke

the thanksgiving that never ended

i really don't know how fat people do it. i can't stand having parts of my body touching other parts that they aren't supposed to be. it's disgusting to even type that. and everything is all swelly too. i think my knees have disappeared.

so thanksgiving part two takes place tomorrow - we're having people over. we've done this the last few years - day before or after thanksgiving. course, carl said he would do everything and hasn't done anything to prepare the house yet and is going out in the morning. because he doesn't think these things are important. so, i have to go and continue cleaning up now. i'll let you know how much of a disaster it was tomorrow.

Thanksgibbons

I forget last night - well, in all fairness, i actually sat down to read around 9ish and that was the end of me. but here's what i planned to write about.

i have a number of things to be thankful for - like most of us whether we are willing to admit it or not. i'm cognizant of the relative luxury i am immersed in; the fact that despite my bitching about pain and my stuffed up head - i have a pretty damned good constitution etc etc etc; i am thankful for the evidence i see here and there / that people tell me that i have touched or helped them in some way

but mostly i am so thankful for my son. if nothing before or ever again justifies my existence bringing him into the world does. and helping him to hold on to who he is gives me purpose.

my irritability rate is WAY WAY up

i might actually snap soon. but that could just be momentary.

on the overall i have managed to clean up most of my office; get nearly everything outstanding done and taken care of; train the people that need to be trained to take over for me - can anyone explain why it is taking a grand total of ten of them?? granted they are all doing it in addition to other things but still seems a little excessive. whatever. what do i care i won't be there! as of tomorrow i am three weeks out from my due date. be interesting to see how far i make it. it'd be great if i didn't have a freaking cold by the time i got there like i've had for the last eight gazillion weeks now.

i'm beginning to remember more and more clearly how not fun the actual giving birth part was - suppose it's a little late to think of that. it wasn't like it was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me but it wasn't pleasant either. and i was damned tired. the biggest thing was how frightening it was for the contractions to go from 0 to 60 in like a second. i expected there to be pit stops along the way but basically it was 'everythings fine, i'm a little uncomfortable' to 'omg my insides are falling out' in the blink of an eye. but i suppose there is plenty of time to focus on this later - or there isn't but either way it isn't going ot help to focus on it now. what i would like to focus on is how excited i am going to be to actually be able to move around. ya know, take stairs without being winded - real daredevil shit!!

turkey tomorrow; birthday friday; turkey two saturday and massage on sunday. whoo hooo

birthdays and not birthing days

today was carl's birthday- we went to this place up the street and then to a bookstore and had a very lovely evening. then back here for cake with the kid.

the baby is currently 7 pounds 9 oz. the doctor seems to think the baby won't gain that much weight from now on but everything else - march of dimes; aap etc. says about a half to pound a week. i'll look into it again tomorrow when i'm not exhausted. well, okay, when i'm less exhausted.

itchy scratchy and stuffy

and that's just my head

find out tomorrow about the giant baby in my belly


debating a after thanksgiving dinner for saturday night - not sure i can handle all that work. we'll see.

boy woke up again last night. poor little dude.

and coughing hurts my belly

see ya'll tomorrow

oh and i already wrote a friggin diatribe and a half on FB so i got nothing left for here. i seriously have to pick a topic for a week or something.

Lost in the ether

i love that people that want you to be scared to death over the threat of losing your freedom to pick your doctor (sorry not buying it) - don't want you to concern yourself over your gay neighbors lack of civil rights. this is the radical gay agenda they are speaking of? i just don't get it - it seems very straight forward to me. once you acknowledge that gay people are in fact *people* . . . then it must follow as the night the day . . . know what i mean? the idea that some people are more equal than others is one founding ideal that we must get rid of. oh, i know to some i am speaking heresy but the fact is that the founding fathers only intended that white male property owners have a say in the governance of our country. fortunately they wrote the constitution and original bill of rights to allow to expand beyond that but those were assuredly their intents at the time.

so i was telling the boy to ask or tell my mother something today and he said "eh, she's old" i laughed til i cried.

i more or less lost my voice today. i don't mean my 'voice' - i mean, i sound silly.

i will now open the floor

good dinner tonight with an old friend. well, she's not old . . . facebook really is a great thing in many ways. i can almost forgive it for robbing me of all my time. i mean, hell, what was i doing with my time anyway - nuffin.

okay so about the open floor - names for my kid?

i've been typing for two hours

i have finally been answering emails. i suppose that i should consider going to bed.

a NJ airport security guard was heard to say that he had cut a hole in the fence a tthe airport to be able to take a shot at obama. he was released from jail today. only held until his hearing - about three weeks. does that seem right? threaten the presidents life and go on your merry way.

this child moves so much that it literally shakes my whole body.

there were only seen of us there to bury elliott. it was hard, awkward. in some ways i thought the lack of pomp etc. was a good thing. in other ways i was very cognizant of how much the ritual is there to help and protect us. without it the emotion; the reality is stark and raw. there is no bouncing ball to watch so you are left with the complete absence of bounce. i found him so very damaging to me at a certain point that i cut myself off from him. i don't regret that decision but being here i remembered the reasons i let him in my life to begin with and kept him there for so long. in particular i had a strong empathy for his old english teacher who is somewhere around 80. he had every reason to believe that elliott would outlive him. there aren't many hierarchal tiers when it comes to death but premature death is at least that tiny tick worse than the rest. i did appreciate the lack of 'sainthood' as well. so often a wo/man dies and the next thing you know they were ready for canonization no matter what kind of evil prick they may have been here. we reminisced about his strengths and his flaws.

all the same - it'd be great if everyone stops dying for a little while.










screw you guys . . . i'm going home

here we go again

i actually have something to write about tonight but since i believe i am getting sick - yet again . . . i dont' have the energy or mental fortitude to do so.

this child in my belly is damned strong. it has actually begun to hurt; not because s/he is hitting an organ or on my bladder or whatever. just the simple movement know - it's like being punched by a prepubescent child. and no, i haven't had random prepubescent children hitting me - i used to assist instruct in karate classes. i have a thought in my head of someday actually going back. of course in my present condition that seems like adistant impossibility.

my boyfriends back and now i have the plague

carl go t back from new york tonight. he's still coughing - even worse. and i am beginning tofeel horrible myself. and tomorrow we bury elliott.

my whole leg went numb tonight - think that's okay?

on facebook a bunch of people are doing that 'i'm thankful for .. . ' a girl that was also friends with gideon wrote - "i'm thankful for the 20 plus years i got to spend with you and i hopeyou are looking down on me smiling' or something like that. caught me off guard. this hormone shit has to stop she and i aren't really friends. i just had the "honor" of calling her to tell her he died.

okay; i'm leaving you with one of my most favorite songs from the eighties.



and the retort

you know that woman with 19 kids? wth is her problem

it's like pottying. there's some progress i suppose. le sigh. he's gonna be 12.

my stepmother was in the line of fire yesterday - at .31 you see the bullet hole in her SUV


and i did see the massage lady today - as soon as the swelling goes down i'm sure i'll feel better.

will this baby ever relax in there

i finally go back for a massage tomorrow - i really don't think i could be any happier.

i am caught between being all done being pregnant and having things i want to finish before the kid arrives.

carl has gone to a convention in new york for a couple of days so hopefully there is no labor in the meantime.

is nancy grace channeling tammy faye baker?

subterfuge

nothing to do with the post - just love that word. watching a documentary about the beatles and they used that word.

malachai asked my mother if she knew what beatles were and she, very proud of herself, went on to talk about the bugs. when she was all done he looked at her very curiously and said 'do you know that song they sing'

"you can't leave something out - it will get dead" - this was malachai's words of wisdom for today.

he also wrote his first letter today. no suggestion from us to write a letter and no help in the execution. he drew a backwards S and said 'look momma; i made a S'

he was also offended to the point of once again telling me that he was going to gam-gam's house. only this time he had a plan. he went to the stroller and said "i just need this" then he paused for a minute and said "i need someone to push me". i didn't want to laugh at his angst but . . .

is it dec. 19th yet?

bassinet set up; second set of linens for malachai arrived; car seat cover being washed . . . what else do i have to do . . .oh yeah, everything. so much to prepare and buy ugh.

apparently i am truly overwhelmed because i noticed yesterday that i have repeated myself in the last week or so in my blog.

i also noticed that a few days ago i said i was going ot talk about how death makes people full of shit - okay, more full of shit than usual. elliott's death - all of a sudden he's a saint and everyone misses him. all these people who were no where to be found during the more than a year while he was sick. grrrrr

anywhoo - today i told my son something he didn't like and he said "i'm going to my gam-gam's house" he was dead serious too - walked to the door saying to himself 'i need a car'. couldn't stop laughing.

never mind

i was gonna post a poem that i'm working on but my mind is far too critical at the moment.

have i mentioned how much i'm looking forward to working out or you know bending over without cutting off circulation.

they came and fixed the furniture today

alright i guess i'll have to give you the poem cuz i've got nothing:

i'd have followed you to the end of time
but you never would have asked
told me all those years ago
at the base of the greenline stairs
you had plans for us
but i would have had to say so

thus was the ebb and flow
stay, now go
come to me
go away
there'll be time another day

we had time
we made time
there's always time
the test of time
it just wasn't our time
maybe next time
i hate time

if time is an illusion
i should be able to peel and fold
it wasn't just me
our first green was gold

and when green began to fade
gold started to give way
we headed off on different paths
tether tied wrist to wrist

. .. .
yeah, that's about it - the next thing is clear in my head but i can't make the words work

so there - a little piece of soul should buy me off the hook.

last night's post

was supposed to be about the teacher who let her kindergarten class vote whether a boy with autism should be allowed to stay in the class. they all got to say what they didn't like about the kid. http://www.miamiherald.com/news/florida/AP/story/1327475.html


today's post was supposed to be about how much i've forgotten. its truly incredible. people / events . . . i remember hardly anything. and yes of course there is always the substance issue but no, it isn't that - it's not a "dude, i don't even remember". i've started to forget things that i used to remember.

anyway - i was gonna write about that stuff but now . . .

sleepy tired girl

as of late my son refers to everything as sensible and not sensible. i have no idea.

more baby names today. who the hell names their daughter butterfly?

for the first time in nearly a month, maybe even a little more i woke up really sad about gideon. i've also had a resurgence of morning sickness. how come when things come back to me it isn't stuff like oh, i don't know flawless skin or carefree righteousness or ya know something useful like that. OH and i had a leg cramp so badthis morning that it scared the shit out of me.

so yesterday i was reading an onion article and forgot it was an onion article and was literally flabbergasted. i even did some googling

chiller channel - badly dubbed movie with jackie chan about chinese vampires in the year 2046. oh how i'd love to work for them.

not a single name

i've looked at about 500 web pages - i don't mean sites i mean fie hundred pages of names. and that was just the girls and nothing rocked my world. ugh. my wiccan friends said i should try doing a meditation on the subject but then when i meditated for my wiccan name i ended up with ramona so, i'm think that suggestion sorta sucks.

and speaking of wiccan http://www.ctlawtribune.com/getarticle.aspx?ID=35454 apparently, bath and body works fired a woman for being wiccan. the article suggests in teh title that it was for taking a holiday off but if you continue reading - the time was scheduled well in advance etc. - the comments made were about devil worship and the ridiculousness of the religion. i'm actually not offended by people who might think wicca is ridiculous. but i don't see how it's any more ridiculous than christianity and its promotion of vampirism (see, it's all in the pitch)

the hip is unhappy tonight. i really gotta go back to the massage lady

tomorrow's topic - how death brings out the bs mother effer in most people

non sequiturs

it's good to have some sort of understanding about animals. that way you can tell the difference between when they are reacting to a normal animal thing or when they are freaking out because the world is about to end.

carl has lately been lamenting the return of skinny jeans. he picks odd things to get his panties in a bunch about.

so many people i see around me are so unbelievably irresponsible with money that it boggles my mind. or at the very least engage in behaviors i don't understand.

i can not believe all of the things that i have forgotten about my past.

i'm not sure what i think about global warming. i definitely think that something is happening and that we (humans) have greatly and adversely effected the world. but the extent of it and dire circumstances of it - - - a lot of people seem to be backing off lately about just how bad it is and when we're gonna die :) so anyway, i'm open to arguments to the contrary of the 'inconvenient truth' but not when it comes from dumb asses with observations like - well, it snowed in october and therefore there can't be global **warming**. do just a little bit of reading before you open your d-bag mouth.

i more or less registered today. at the very least i got an infant car seat so we can take the baby home. well, we could except we have no names so - we aren't going to be able tow leave the hospital. oddly i feel like perhaps i didn't do it right - the buying of the car seat that is - because i didn't agonize over it for weeks and research eight thousand different ones etc etc so this is an excerpt of the conversation with my mother at babies r us
me: i'm looking for a mattress pad for the cradle
her: did you see these
me: that's not it that's just a pad that sits on top
her: are you sure? (while she opens it and then lays it out) yeah, see - how is this not a mattress pad, cassie?
me: it doesn't have gathers - to wrap underneath the mattress
her: i don't understand
me: i want the same thing you have for your bed that goes over the mattress and then you put the sheet on top only
her: OH - you want a mattress pad
me: er, yeah, that's why i said i want a mattress pad for
her: but you want it to fit on the cradle
me: right - that would be the part where i said 'for a cradle'
- - - i can't make this shit up

my grandmother loved icecream. carl remarked yesterday that all old people love icecream. i'm going to need to move to vermont in my old age (home of ben and jerry's) - plus, it'll be good when i finally decide to go full on lesbian.

i just spent the last ten minutes trying to find out who first mixed chocolate and caramel. i came up empty but whoever it was - thanks you.

a friend of mine was recently talking to a friend of ours from high school. oddly enough - she and i did not know each other in high school despite knowing many of the same people. anyway, this person told her to say hi and then told her how i was such a pink floyd freak in high school. so funny. i mean i was - i listened to the wall for a couple of months every day. it's just a funny thing to be known or remembered for. i actually remember at the end of senior year writing a poem. the overall sentiment was one of detachment. there was a line 'and even the floyd becomes meaningless'. LOL

we got the bed in the kid's room. dresser will arrive friday along witht he serice guy to look at the damage on the bed. it arrived that way. called them miutes after they had left. but despite the damage i have to say - i loe the bed - i love the set up of the room. and even better - the boy LOVES it; he keeps saying 'i have to go sleep for a little while'

hmm no serial killers this week

sometime after carl and i began dating elliott wrote a poem abut us. in it one of us is described as this massive force - howling and full of . . . something, rage maybe or maybe just full. the poem ends with something like 'along comes another who matches it and we all breathe a sigh of relief'. that is a truly rough summation and i apologize because the poem was actually quite good. regardless of how i might feel about it. as to how i feel about it i suppose any negative reaction is just the feeling of being misunderstood.

my son has taken to telling us all that something is sensible or not sensible. so far he has used it in the correct context though i am still unable to ascertain if he understands what it means

oh how i love horror movies. even though nearly none of them scare me and over half of them are pure trash.

Elliott Edwards RIP

i actually wrote a few paragraphs about elliott's passing but on second thought it seems better to try and put it to words tomorrow. carl got to see him tonight - or what was left him anyway. i have not seen elliott since spring/summer of 2006. it's a difficult thing - what should be said and what should be omitted.

so which one are you sneezy, dopey or douchie

okay - it's three minutes in but already i'm loving this new supernatural.

due to my lack of interesting stuff to write about - i'm thinking that i will start doing subjects. i love researching stuff on the internet so what the hell.

for today's post though - let me tell you this: this child i am carrying is apparently ridiculously huge. gained 2 pounds in three weeks. oh dear. hopefully it will be no more so than malachai, who told me today that he would teach the baby how to play games and stuff.

oh yeah, best . . . supernatural . . . ever! the title of this blog entry is from the show.

oh, and i would have known the kid was gigantic even before the ultrasound. as the date approaches i become more and more certain that being and having and only child is best. oh well. but i would have known because of the strength with which i'm getting my insides kicked out and watching my belly move fromt eh outside.

okay - so starting tomorrow - serial killers? yeah, i think we'll do some serial killer entries.

jello so fresh you can almost hear it neigh

hormones suck

i'm beginning to have a sneaking suspicion that i will go into early labor. unfortunately, perhaps, much earlier than i want. i'm getting a little worried about it, which of course is the worst thing i can do.

so my boys doctor's office got the h1n1 vaccine in - ten doses. he gets one because of the impending baby. now here's a good question; if the swine flu vaccine is just about the drug companies making money - wouldn't they .. . oh, i don't know . .. actually sell it??? so far even most of my pregnant "friends" haven't been able to get them and we are first on the list. and i know all about supply and demand but that concept would dictate that for every hundred people wanting the vaccine they would have say 70 - not 10 per every couple of hundred.

i think i need something to do. not because i have nothing to do but because i have so much going on but most of it is monotonous and horrid so i need somethign that woudl be a distraction. an other. i got nothing though.

i think this time is supposed to be far more joyous.

yeah, this might not be the answer either

so it's a lot earlier than i usually post. and yet - - i haven't a thing to say.

so i guess i'm not tired. i'm boring. i'm definitely bored i'll tell you that. not for shortage of things to do.

there is still no further word on the death of census worker bill sparkman. when i say no further word they still have not determined whether it is a suicide or an accident or a murder. i am still dying to know how a man tied himself to a tree and duct taped his hands and feet and then asphyxiated himself. such total bullshit.

http://ydr.inyork.com/ci_13679014
priest who protests health clinic has been charged with 10 counts of child pornography. no wonder he doesn't want abortions to take place - cuts down on the number of kids.

alright that's enough curmudgeonism (i know it's not a word) from me.

definitely have to start this earlier in the day

by this time of night i have absolutely nothing to say. i've either said it or my head is swarming and i don't really feel like trying to articulate.

i have seven weeks to go before the baby hits. between work and the house i should have time to breath. i think i will be fine if i learn to take my dumb ass to bed and get something close to eight hours a day. starting . . . .. now.

halloweenies

the boy had a great time. i think his father did too - dressed as satan; went with the full makeup and everything. oh and horns . . . that he crazy glued to his head.

samhain rituals will need be postponed until tomorrow. that isn't exactly how it's supposed to work. but there is no choice. i am exhausted and aching. we did get the

tomorrrow is painting day

or at least painting day one. we are going to paint the boy's new room in preparation for the arrival of his bed next weekend.

i can really not believe how much this kid is kicking the hell out of me. i'm more convinced by the day that it is a girl, although still not as sure of it as i was sure that my boy was a boy.

tomorrow we take the boy trick or treating too. it'll more or less be his first time. at least his first time going door to door at strangers houses. last year we went to see a little family and he trick or treated at his school. he loves his costume so we got that going for us.

why can't they just admit it

the flu shot can make you sick. i'm not saying it gives you the flu; i don't think it does. i think flooding your system with antibodies and so if there is anything that is slightly in your system i think it sets a chain reaction. i know that isn't very scientific but i'm not a scientist. but i will say this - why else would they tell you not to get the vaccine while your sick. so, anyway, i just wish they would admit it. i mean hell, the argument: well, you take a risk that you'll get a cold for 4 days but you won't die from the flu is perfectly acceptable to me. i would have still signed up. but yeah, this is the second year in a row that i got a cold after the flu shot.

ugh

i'm so damned sick

i realized tonight the source of my wistfulness around my son as of late. i'm going to miss him. i'm going to miss the exclusiveness of our bond. it makes me a little sad. i'm an only child who sorta got a taste of what it was to have a sibling when my cousin came to live with us. in addition to that i've seen very few families where one child isn't favored and few families where siblings are glad to have one another. yes i know you are all going to tell me how wonderful it is - i'm telling you what i've seen. and now i have to see the inside of my eyelids.

i's sick

i'm stuffy; sore throat; short of breath; sore ears and a ragin ragin headache. so, technically i am supposed to call my doctor as these are swine flu symptoms but honestly that seems just damned silly.

the other message for today is that apparently leopards can't even camouflage their spots for even a minute

and in other news - my stepmother just pissed me off to no fucking end. she thinks she's being cute too and i never ever say anything in response. that's generally what i do - i don't say anything for a long time until i do. i think she has finally hit my limit.

i don't know why everyone has to piss me off.

i got to overhear a coworker bad mouthing me because i don't feed my child enough sugar whatever the hell that means

boiling, bubbling rage

we've hit a small wall. not everything is for your ears - eyes whatever.

the massage went very well although i am fairly certain at this point she is trying to kill me. she told me that the knot in my right shoulder was 'getting personal' which kinda scared me a little :)

this birth is impending. loose loose ends to tie up.

not quite as fantab as i had hoped

i thought everyone was leaving early and coming back late. carl didn't leave until after one and malachai was back a little after 6. sigh. i know it doesn't seem that bad to anyone else. it isn't. it's just that i try these elaborate schemes to clear a whole day and it doesn't happen. and i could go on but it'll just be bitching and mostly about other people.

so i'm gonna salvage what i can by sleeping - if i can with this child trying to force its way out of the front of my belly!

i'm also hoping that i will wake up without a sore throat tomorrow. OH OH OH i just remembered i have a massage tomorrow which is awesome because i just nearly feel normal.

caramel rice krispie treats

beat that bitches!! i am sending them to my cousins and to carl's friends. my mother is taking the boy to the cousins in east longmeadow (western mass) and carl is going to his friends for the football game. what does that mean? it means i will be blessedly; joyously; fantastically alone ALL DAY tomorrow!!

in case you needed further proof that rush limbaugh is a useless tool:

"Rush Was Punked: “Obama Thesis” Hoax
http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzzlog/93122?fp=1

basically rush heard a story that obama's thesis was about his hatred for the founding fathers and ran with it like a kid at a carnival - only trouble it wasn't true. DUH

if i were these people the fact that i believed this would give me pause. but rather limbaugh countered by basically saying 'okay, well, it wasn't true but it might has well of been' iow, he has finally come clean that how he feels about someone is far more relevant than what they actually say or do

feeling the fall

i got both flu shots today which i admit freaks me out more than a little bit.

i think that i could have done something of note if i had pursued a different path. but mostly i didn't want those things. i wanted the "normal" things. but maybe that was my folly; not being normal and all.

serious headache over here.

when i was 15 and we started dating gideon and i would drive around in his parents toyota corolla station wagon - - wood paneling and all; bright yellow. it only had an am radio. we listened to oldies; generally fine by both of us. this was one of the songs we heard all the time, or it felt like all the time or maybe it stuck out cuz i hadn't heard it before. whatever. it's been in my head. it's a fall song - obviously.

enter at your own risk

whenever i talk to my mother about gideon and his death . . . well, actually, i never talk to her about it - whenever gideon comes up - my mother always says 'what a waste'. i have no idea what that means. i mean, i understand what she is saying. she has elaborated even 'so brilliant and potential and " blah blah blah. but what makes it a waste. i know he was depressed and so yeah, okay, but what is the measure of what makes a life worthwhile. he enjoyed his job. had friends. was the glue of his family. he disappointed a lot of people too - pissed a lot of people off. but whatever; again i ask what is the criteria? i look at my life - i don't really see any difference. hell, i don't even like my job; or feel like i have close relationships. so maybe that's the idea - why we were so in sync. only he accepted it and i didn't - that's what kept us out of sync. i feel like i have become more as he was following his death - more accepting of how things are. it's felt like a weird sort of transference. either way, without him in the world i have felt more alone and slowly more comfortable with that idea; perhaps the realization that it was always thus. not seeking impossible things anymore. and so when my friend tells me that she watched her ex brother in law die my heart breaks for her that she had to witness that and that she has to help her sister with complex variations of sorrow but it comes more or less in stride; with fewer questions than i used to have about such things. when another friend tells me that her cat died and she feels silly being so upset because it's a pet; i don't see why she should be any less upset because the death is a cat. there are three beings in her house - two of them are cats and they fill a place in her heart. my ex-karate instructor lays dying - a man that i came close to hating; that i have nearly no respect for - i think how sad it is for the people that love him, how horrible it is that he should suffer in the way he is and despite the fact that it does have a certain karmic balance for much of his life i don't see it as a justice. so all these things touch my heart but they no longer make me ask why with anguished sky glances.

but my friend's niece; that is something completely different. i can't process it. and honestly, as horrible as it is that this infant has died. it isn't her death as much as it is that there are people left behind who have to process this. her parents - her uncle; my friend who i hate to see pained even if he's doing it to himself but this . . . these people held her; a bundle of hope - her eyes shined at them with purity they aren't going to find anywhere else. how the hell do they go on? what is the effing point now? i'm sorry but really live for what?? others who love them / whom they love. bah. love isn't hierarchical unless you are talking about child(ren) and then . .. everyone else is incidental. i know i have nothing to offer my friend.

so, sorry for the happy post - it is the other side of having my body nearly repaired. all those tense muscles trap both joy and pain - keep me from vomiting them all over the page.

um - - have a nice night?

that might actually have done the trick

today was my third massage with the woman who beats the crap out of your body for its own good. i feel almost normal. i'm boggled actually.

so i'm actually inspired to go to bed. do something good for myself. weird. course if i could have been inspired to not eat a shitload of frozen yogurt that would have gone well too.

i'm thinking tomorrow i might be able to put some of the last week's events down. i feel almost feed. which has pros and cons. tight muscles do also provide barriers. your emotions and intellect can't travel between each other as well. metaphorically that is. that isn't quite right either.

here - let me share something beautiful and moving with you

massage tomorrow

whoo hooo

the senate finance committee has taken their crack at the healthcare bill. by the time everyone gets done with this it will be something that doesn't work. i wish liberals didn't by definition seek to make compromises.

i'm watching empire records - so very good.

i am a bubbling blister of emotion without sound
contradictions that are leading anywhere but to a conclusion
i am set in my ways but they are not my own
i'd like to step off but - - no you step off!

something just seems a little off

such a weird congregation of events in these last few months.

death and weird announcements of birth. there's been a lot to process today. and unfortunately most of it i don't think i'm at liberty to discuss. this last death i have heard about today has me a little effed up. i'll explain when i can.

in the meantime - can someone tell me how it is that ayn rand is currently being touted by people who are bible thumpers; antichoice; antihomosexual rights; pro death penalty; reaganites . . . do people even read who they are worshiping anymore

so then

yeah, so last night i fell asleep while i was typing my blog. i sorta half woke up at one point - long enough to realize i had typed about a hundred gazillion "d's", hit save and fell back asleep. when i woke up for real only the first two paragraphs remained.

anyway, got more done today. if i can just keep this up at a moderate pace i may just be able to get the important things done before this baby comes without killing myself to do so. and i guess i'm gonna have to take some help from my mom which is something i don't really like to do and definitely don't like to ask for but . . .

we bought the boy a bed today. a bunk bed with drawers built into the bottom and stairs instead of a ladder and the stairs have drawers. i have no idea how exactly we ended up getting a bunk bed but oh, well. and a chest of drawers to go with it.

oh, and for all my michigan friends especially if you are in district 8 - according to your representative mike rogers - if you don't have health insurance it's because you haven't earned it. he came very close to saying it was because you don't work.

i'm watching nip/tuck. it's a show that i regret not having watched from the beginning. but it's just as well since i should be sleeping and not watching anything. night nighty night kids

shew!

well, i actually got some shit done today. my mom came and helped which was great. sometimes you just need a little help or support or hell, someone to talk to.

a friend had a family crisis today. she called; talked for a little bit. then told me that she kept calling me because she always felt better after talking to me. how freaking sweet is that? i was touched

i also just lost half this post. long story explain it tomorrow.

bed bed beds

no not where i need to go - i'm trying to find a bed for the boy

we went to dinner tonight. great pizza and the loudest fucking people on the planet. i almost left they were so obnoxious.

tomorrow we go get the stuff to make the boy's halloween costume and i find a bed - no matter what. we found two that i kind of like so if i can't find another then one of them will have to do.

i can not believe how strong this baby is already.

commercials about the difficulties for children in the world are truly going to kill me. except that marcia brady is beginning to annoy me. although, i actually cancelled my sponsorship with children international. ineed to do something - either call them or find a new organization. the thing is that i re-upped with them like three times - twice on the phone and once on line and they still never got it right and that makes me nervous about giving them my money. but it's a damn pity for me to be doing nothing. i wish i had a ton of my money. i would take in foster kids and stay home with them.

again today i had two people - "you are too funny". i just never know what that means.

assclowns

justice of the peace refused to marry an interracial couple
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/15/interracial-couple-denied_n_322784.html

so i post it on FB. there is one part of the story where it says that the wife says their friends have been supportive. someone on fb writes back "what was there for them to be supportive of" really? that's the the issue. the thing is racism still exists people. deal with it.

i have heard so many arguments since obama took office about how liberals are making up racism and the obama supporters are the real racists. now is that the reason behind everyone's objections to obama. of course not. but it doesn't mean it isn't real. in fact i just found out today that rep. lynn jenkins said the gop was looking for its "great white hope".

i'm caught some where between wanting to take action with the craziness or just wanting to go in the hills and stay the hell away from people forever.

maybe i'll just go to bed instead.

liberal main stream media????

abc ran that story about the woman who was raped in iraq and couldn't bring a lawsuit because of clause in her contract. and how subsequently the senate voted to not do business with anyone who required such a clause of their workers. howeer, abc didn't mention that the 30 senators that fought against the senate ammendment were all republican.

today i read abc's take on the baby who was "to fat" to get health care coverage and there was no mention of the quote (that was even in fox news' article) where an insurance rep said straight out that healthcare reform would get rid of their ability to do this.

later in the article it also said that there can be denial or higher rates for people with a bmi over 30. and that of course is despite the fact that the bmi has been all but been debunked as crap. again i say - maybe not this reform bu thter had to be someting

had a massage today - my body is either better or broken. i'll get back to you.

just a quickie

saw the doctor today. the pain i have been feeling is apparently similar to spd but not as bad and happens to many women towards the end. i didn't bother pointing out to him that i'm not really at the end. the baby was very active and had a weird chin. since the last visit we have gone from being in the 89th percentile to now being in the 92nd.

my boss is making me crazy and for that reason i have to go and go to bed so i can try to get out from under tomorrow. and i have a massage appointment at 2 - UGH. i mean don't get me wrong it's great - - - i just can't keep up with anything lately.

happy lost wop day

by that i mean christopher columbus. in third grade i asked my teacher why we celebrated someone who got lost and helped enslave and destroy an indigenous people (although i don't think i used the words enslave and indigenous)

but here's what's pissing me off today. a woman working for a company in iraq signed a contract to work there. a clause in there said that were she to be sexually assaulted she gave up her right to a court trial and instead would be heard (or not before an internal arbitration committee. four years ago she was drugged, held captive and repeatedly raped. al franken introduced an amendment to the defense contract bills stating that any company with such a clause would not be eligible for government money. should be simple enough right? there was nothing else to it - nothing attached. thirty senators, and i'm sorry but yes, they were all republican, they stated that this was unfair targeting of halliburton. are you fucking serious??? that's all i have to say about that.

tomorrow i see the baby again. ultrasound and appointment. 10 more weeks (hoping for 8)!!

family day

we went to the topsfield fair today - prize winning farm animals; rides; food - that sorta thing. it was basically six hours of walking. the boy and i both passed out on the drive home. btw, the v key on my board doesn't work so well - please fill in 's where they are necessary. anyhooo - the kid had a whole box of popcorn; lemonade; his first caramel apple and an ice cream. i anticipate that he will be up at some point tonight so i should really go to bed but then i'm rarely that smart.

here is the link to the transcript of obama's address to the HRC at the national equality march http://instinctmagazine.com/blog/every-word-of-president-obama-s-remarks-at-hrc-benefit i't a great speech. hopefully it isn't crap. oh, and a friend from high school is the editor in chief of the magazine that links to.

oh and barney frank is a jerk. he said that the march was a big waste of time. course, the war protests under bush / the tea parties - they all seem to be a big waste of time so . .. maybe it's true.



the song, that version especially - i'm in kc again. mostly alone. with vague thoughts of loe i want face. nothing much changes.

you crack me up

people say that to me a lot. i can never really figure out if they are sincere or being condescending.

so obama spoke at the HRC's event for the national equality march going on in dc tomorrow. he apparently (once again) said that he would end 'don't ask / don't tell'. i want nothing more than to believe him but . .. hopefully it happens. the fact that the policy exists at all is so mindboggling. and in the climate of the last 8 /9 years or so and all this lip service about honoring the men and women who serve. well it sounds like so much blah blah blah when you then say 'go fight for our rights - the same ones we won't give you'. it was more respectable to not allow them to serve at all. anyway, what really has me flummoxed is going to certain sites and reading people within the LBGT community saying that the gay community should give obama a break and not be so selfish yadda yadda yadda. this is not a frivolous request. sigh.

tomorrow is the topsfield fair.

the rugrat is spending the night at my mother's; which means i'm going to miss out on my morning snuggling :(

just another stop in crazy town

why in the bloody blue jesus did obama get the nobel peace prize. don't get me wrong. there are some things i like that he has done and others i am hopeful about. i am not and have not turned into an obama hater. course actually it's pretty much the worst thing that could have happened for him. the obama haters are pretty much convinced that there is a massive conspiracy in the works anyway. and glenn beck's response to all this certainly went right along those lines. now there aren't crazy liberals in america rooting for the destruction of the nation. nope, now it's a world wide conspiracy. course that said - wtf did obama do in less than a month (nominations have to be in by february) that was worthy of the nobel prize? the closing of guatanomo was a good fist step but since that hasn't actually come to pass yet . . .

lidocaine is pretty good stuff.

and so is sleep.

i thnk i've made up my mind. buy the boy a twin bed and dresser; buy us a new bed; maybe buy a new living room

here's more proof that you shouldn't try beating up boys in dresses

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1218651/Thugs-attack-men-dresses--turn-cage-fighters.html

eddie murphy did a bit about something very similar in raw. but i can't find the bit of film.


my throat is very sore / my head very throbby; i'm exhausted - my son will come jump on my head at 6am. so ya'll will forgive me if that's all ya get tonight.

the one obama move that has really annoyed me

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Gay After Tomorrow
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

also - - - jon stewart rocks

do you have to - do you have to - do you have to let it linger

well, at least i got something done today. a little burst of energy. i would have preferred a larger burst but what the eff are ya gonna do about that. i missed that whole second trimester feeling great thing. i really could have used it.

i have been arguing with people on the internet again and i really ought to know better. i don't know how it happens or why i expect people to engage in honest debate. definition of crazy right there.

i can't believe this baby is less than 11 weeks away. yikes!!

almost forgot - here is a title

this morning i woke up because my son screamed out like he was really scared. i went in, then took him into my bed with me. after he's completely back to normal he says to me "the doctor is here now". and he is literally looking over my shoulder. i said "what doctor?". "the doctor that was in my room" "oh, what did he say to you" "he moved my mouth like this" and he starts pushing his mouth around. i said "oh, is that why you were crying?" "no, my paper got dirty" oh

so after i shower and whatnot i tell his father. carl asks him about the doctor and he says "the doctor is in mama's room now" "what's he doing in there" "he's with the boys"

it's like the beginning of a horror movie

okay - just remembered i have to see the tmj dude at 8 am tomorrow. which means leaving at 7 - to travel 15 miles. le sigh

appropo of nothing

when i was a little kid - i fought - a lot. a lot of it was just being an extreme tomboy. all the boys fought and rough housed and that's what i liked doing too. course i would have preferred to do so in a pretty pink ballet outfit but such are the contradictions of life. anyway, one day i got in trouble. well, okay - one of the days i got in trouble was for beating the crap out of kid who talked shit about my father. growing up with the tale of the fifties still creeping into television and my parents and being half italian i assumed that this was something that my father would not only understand but maybe even be proud of. and maybe he was but he said to me - you know it's not true; i know it's not true - and i don't care what he thinks of me and you shouldn't either. now despite the fact that it was nearly belied by the rest of my upbringing - it was something that stuck with me. he wasn't telling me that there aren't times that you fight for family - it was more of a 'pick your battles' statement. a skill that i am not particularly good at. mostly due to a completely overblown sense of right and wrong / fairness. i'mnot sure what age other people let go of 'it's not fair' but i seem to have never quite let go of it. and it isn't a measure that i hold only to other people.

the other thing i have been musing on today - i wonder if you can have your belly button surgically altered. i meant what if you were a model or something. by and large - people don't find outties particularly attractive.

see - i started off with a bang. wrote all that this afternoon and now . . . i got nothing. eh, cohesion is over rated anyway.

when does a rut become a hole

a giant black hole from which there is no escape. and in which insanity is defined - over and over the same thing and each time with the hope that the outcome will be different. i would liken myself to sisyphus except it isn't that exciting.

when it comes time to have this baby - i think s/he is gonna try to come right out through the belly button. i'm pretty sure that s/he is trying come out right now. well, hell, i still have a belly button so that's something.

stairs are enemy to the pregnant woman

socialist gardening:

how many weeks to december

i have so much to do before this baby gets here. not the least of whch would be it would be nice to get my shiznit together.

i went for a walk. it's actually beautiful outside. it was nicer outside then in my house. the moon isn't full yet but ya can't tell by looking at it. i love walking at night. always have. i've always been yelled at about it too but in years and years of doing it there was only one time it almost went badly.

when i went to kc to visit my friend after visiting gideon in kansas. i walked for about 15 miles. i made the mistake of assuming that if i was on 5th street - 64th street would be 59 blocks away. four or five miles tops. anyway i had two cassingles. here are the a sides of each of them:



which was somewhat appropo in that i felt i was searching and that my search had a spiritual bent

and



which was a little less germane ;)

still sick / still exhausted

still this baby is kicking the crap out of me. i had intended to get so very many things done today and instead i ended up having to deal with eight gazillion different types of bureaucracy. seriously, some days it seems like i can't buy myself a break.

i was looking into refinancing my house - spent well over an hour on the phone only to reach the end of the conversation and realize that things were not as they had previously been presented.

it's cold but i refuse to turn on the heat. we'll have enough of that in a few months. especially since there will be an infant in the house.

let me leave you with this tonight - - from the fabulous dennis lehane (mystic river):
"grief" he said, "is carnivorous. It feeds whether you're awake or not, whether you fight it or you don't. Much like cancer. And one morning you wake up and all those other emotions - joy, envy, greed, even love - are swallowed by it. And yo're alone with grief, naked to it. And it owns you."

a whole new level of angry

dealing with some assclown at work. which of course it isn't him. i mean, it is in fact him - guy redefines douchebag. my own personal theory is that if you are going to be a dick you shouldn't have the audacity to be stupid at the same time. but whatever, the point is that of course i wouldn't be seething if not for the fact that he is the tiny tip of my iceberg.

with the exception of my son who is so much more and better than i deserve - the rest of my life seems to fall into varying degrees of not at all what should be happening.

now i'm a big believer in the idea that somehow or another it's my own damned fault but i can't figure that out for the life of me. at the moment i am just really tired of this feeling of either being kicked around or taken for granted - i suppose there isn't much difference. but i understand that position is not going to aid in resolving anything. so i think maybe i will hit the bag a little and cry a bit - perhaps not in that order and then we'll see. i have avoided spending too much time on this because i have begun to see it as futile but i suppose i'm gonna have to spend a little time with the question.

i don't think the whole neck, head, ear, runny nose thing is helping any.

it's swine flu!! okay not really

i think i'm getting a cold. my throat is scratchy. i'm tired. even more ridculously so than just pregnancy tired. crap.

all of which has me going to bed again when i really have far too much to do to be going to sleep.

a census worker was killed in kentucky - oh, excuse me, according to foxnews he might not have been killed. he was found hanging from a tree with the word fed scrawled into his chest (and we don't know with what) and according to them it could be a suicide. makes perfect sense to me. there is a faction of the anti-obamists that are truly fucking dangerous. there is another woman who is urging everyone to stock up on weapons and ammunition. course the right is heralding her as a hero. never mind the fact that she began this campaign under the bush administration. the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

i really thought that this whole feeling of revolution would have happened under bush.

oh cucka - it's in my ears now.

ucky

i feel really sick - i'm going to lie down

i wish i was one of those people who didn't question myself. i know people say all the time that it's not a good thing - that self analysis is respectable. questioning yourself is integrity blah blah blah. i don't care about that. i would like peace of mind. i would like to know i'm right even if i'm not. and i know that isn't great for people around you but you know what the only one that you are stuck with forever is you. plus the truth is we should be drawn to those who are more considerate but the psychology of it doesn't pan out that way.

i'm watching lie to me - based on a real guy who can tell if you're lying. here's the question - can you tell if someone is lying like they are telling the truth or they have doubts. like let's say they ask do you love so and so - do they read the truth or what you think is the truth. perhaps you really do love the person despite your doubts. see what i'm getting at?

rain is pouring pouring pouring - love the sound - as long as i don't have to go out into it. it's definitely good to sleep to though :)

and how was your weekend

i don't really want to know.

yardsale. that wasn't as successful as it could have been. but -it's all out of the house. well, wave one - i had run out of places to even move stuff so in the next couple of months i'm gonna have to really dig into shit and chuck it all. the whole damned house - grrrrr. do over. but one thing at a time. next weekend we move the boys bedroom to the front room. well, we are going to do the painting anyway. i'm curious to see how he takes to the move.

yesterday was a lot of work i have to say - i never stopped moving. today hurt less than i thought it would but last night i thought my body was going to fall apart. i did take a bath last night and this morning though so i suppose that helped. really my foot is throbbing and that's about the worst of it. i have a massage scheduled for tomorrow. whooohooo. i have very high hopes for that massage. i hope that i am not disappointed.

did i mention how much i love peaches now. i've had three today i think and i'm gonna go get another one. now the real question is should i go to sleep or try to push a little more work out of today. the smart thing to do is go to bed i think.

today was the first day of my third trimester which means i have a lot to do and i need to stop drinking caffeine and eating poopy and stuff. ugh. i suppose i should also start believing that this is going to happen. and somehow i'm going to have to do that without freaking out.

i'll let ya know how that turns out.

the meaning of life

feet throb - heat throb - up for 18 hours after 4 hours of sleep - epsom salt bath and ice cream - reconnected with a friend from years ago - sold some crap - got rid of a ton of it -

so i'm trying to remember now that i feel . . . very small and insecure / how amazingly unlikely is my birth

miles to go before i zzzzzzzzz

tomorrow is the big yard sale - i feel like i still have a million things to do. i keep trying to remind myself that it is probably inconsequential whether they all get done. sorta trying to remind myself of that in general. i keep thinking that there is going to be a magic bullet. for example, with this yard sale like i am magically going to get rid of all the crap that is in this house. i am trying to learn to content myself with baby steps. the attempt to wait until i am able to 'do it all' is what has me in a position that is sooooooo far behind. le sigh.

kristen will be here in the morning. nothing like reconnecting all these years later over a yard sale :)

okay- more to do - more to do

this video creeped me out a little as a kid

night night

no really- won't someone please please watch chiller

anyway, you can now see the baby move from the outside of the belly. and s/he never seems to stop moving. i wish there was a less clinical word that said fetus. baby and fetus both sound a little off. anyway, i am ENORMOUS. 12 weeks left? i seriously don't think i could get any bigger.

we're having the yard sale this weekend. and we advertised i guess it worked because some batshit crazy woman came to my house today. banged the shit out of my door. i was sleeping on the couch. when i first heard the knock i thought it was carl and malachai and i just kept sleeping. BANG BANG - so now i still think it's them and that they need something i get up - the inside door was open outside one closed and it's this freaky woman. long story short - she wants e to tell her what we have; then she wants to come in my house to which i said no; she wants me to bring stuff out to show her - um, no; she wwants to look in our garage - taht one i left her although she just looked in throught the windows not actually opening it. on the lean-to side. the other side is an actual garage with tall doors and it was all closed up and she says 'what abou there; what's in here' ; we have this weird thing on our porch that is carl's. it's like a reindeer kind of but some sort of swedish motif or whatever. so while we are talking on my porch she says - what's this are you selling this. seriously effed. she plans oncoming back tomorrow. she frightened me. but carl will be working from home tomorrow-0 he candeal with her.

i could use somec hocolatedfs

sometimes naps are a bad idea

i took one - it was supposed to be an hour. it was more like three. now i don't know when sleep might come. it's all the more difficult because i am watching the train wreck that is the chiller channel. it is seriously the craziest thing ever. i may never watch anything else again.

tomorrow is going to be a chore. which sorta seems like a way of life these days. with no end in sight. i just want a do over

i watched the premiere of modern family tonight. it was interesting funny in a lsow burn funny way. but i don't anticipate losing a lot of time trying to make sure that i catch it every week or anything.

i'm really trying to make efforts to reconnect with people. i want more human contact, especially in the going out / hanging out variety but i so rarely keep in contact with people that that will actually happen. but there are a couple of friends that might come by while we are having our yard sale this weekend. i really hope so - they are all people i wold really like to see and haven't for a while- a while ranging from a few weeks to nearly 15 years (and in between) speaking of the yard sale. i am already daunted by how much stuff we are going to have left IN the house - UCK!! at least we'll get rid of something - nearly enough to fill a small house YIKES!! when i say do over - personally, i'd like to just chuck everything and start over. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

one horrible moment at a time - so now i'll go to sleep and prepare for the horror that is tomorrow :)

no really

i've had enough

my leg already hurt and then i fell in sort of a split ; there are many other pains but i'll save you the laundry list; i'm literally starting to drown under the weight of what i have to do and how far behind i am.

do ya'll have chiller - it's like syfy's leftovers. yeah, so the stuff that is too bizarre for syfy - ya see where i'm coming from.

yard sale part two this weekend. i still don't thik i'm going to be able to get rid of everything. just won't be able to round it all up in time. i would like to just get rid of the whole house.

when you ask my son what "kind" something is and he doens't know the answer he says 'marshmelon'. he's never had marshmallows. i have no fricking idea what hte kid is talking about half the time. and his new word is yokodama - which apparently is part of some video game but i can assure you that is not where he got it.

judging by this movie - chad lowe seriously pissed someone off at some point. start around 4 minutes

september 21

no gestational diabetes - i guess; i passed the test but my initial number was high. whatever the hell that all means

i was there forever so it is now tomorrow morning and i am still awake - doing work. have to stop though and sleep. almost fallen asleep twice on the puter.

- a year ago today i lost the one person i didn't think i could lose to any circumstance; i loved him from the time i was fifteen to this very heart beat. came across this today. if i believed that would be great but there are parts that stuck out to me anyway:

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!



Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918

my headache has a headache

you should go here and look at this because he rocks http://billknottpoetry.blogspot.com/

in 30 minutes i can have nothing but water for the following 12 hours. i don't want to take this stupid test

we found a horseshoe crab on the beach a while ago. we brought it home for the kid. he calls it his porchoo crab. he does not understand the phrase - are you sure? he has lately taken to saying 'so, i don't know what to tell you'. he tells me he loves me spontaneously every day. he still says "aminals" hmmmm - this is all sorta self serving - - i do this i don't have to write a diary of what the kid does. :) for the last couple of weeks he crawls into bed with me in the morning. he's so damned affectionate. sigh. he's gonna be so sad when this baby gets here.

i guess i should go to bed so i can try to be a good mommy tomorrow.

ya - i didn't pee enough as it was

this kid is trampling my bladder

what the hell is with syfy and deformed hill people and abducting tourists to do weird sex things with them. they've had a run on movie about such things all day. the poor appalachian peoples

i wasted today. eight gazillion things must happen tomorrow

then there's monday - oh monday's gonna suck

yowza

i actually went out tonight. like a grown up and stuff.

i had shots put in my hips today. hopefully it helps. it seems to have started helping a little already actually

this child never stops moving

i threw up tonight - i hate that

we are never going to come up with a name for this kid.

limits and limitlessness

the hip is really aggravating me. tomorrow i get cracked and then they stick a giant needle in my hip full of lidocaine. and i have so much work tomorrow. uck. i just need tomorrow to be over.

i'm feeling increasingly worried about childcare for my kids. hehe kids.

the 21st is creeping up on me and i'd say it was making me sadder but i don't think i ever felt less sad. the tattoo - i'm thinking maybe the 25th is smarter anyway - that was when i found out. i suppose it's gotten a little better. i've gotten used to the idea that when my mind reaches out - there's no him there; no connection. i've almost completely stopped reaching out. old habits and all i guess. i've nearly come to grips with the idea that alone is alone. it was bad timing anyway; i was already at a crisis of faith in terms of relationships of all kinds.

we were kinetic. we were connected. there are so many things that i know why they end. there are more things that i don't understand why they won't end. but then it doesn't really make a fuck of difference what i understand and what i don't, huh?

yes, the video itself is silly

because there's just been way too much good news

so i got my glucose screening back and it was elevated so i have to take the three hour test. so whoopi doo i could have gestational diabetes too. rock and roll!! "The good news is that most women whose screening test shows elevated blood sugar don't turn out to have gestational diabetes." but these days i don't put a huge amount of stock in good news i'm sorry to say.

OH and they want me to take the H1N1 vaccine so i'm caught between the fact that i don't trust the vaccine and i do trust my doctor. le sigh.

when i tell you that i hate two of my cats i suppose that sounds cruel and maybe even a bit creepy to you. but what's really creepy is that one of them sits a foot and a half from me and just watches me. she can and will do this for as long as it takes for me to get up and then she will follow me wherever i head in the house and then right back. and that doesn't even count when she literally paces me step for step around the kitchen as i cook. so really, the fact that i haven't staple gunned her to the floor or duct taped her to the wall . .. . makes me a damn fine human

oh, the joys of hormones

i had a dark moment of the soul tonight. carl went to visit elliott. i took my son out to eat and we went for ice cream afterwards. as i watched him shovel strawberry ice cream into his mouth - i was sorry that i brought him into this world. not sorry to have him here - he is literally the very epitome of light and love. people that aren't us have said that about him. reminding myself how lucky i was to have him here just made me feel guiltier. then i went trifecta on myself when i realized that with thoughts like that i wasn't going to be able to teach him to have a joy for life.

as you can see it's been a rough day and since, like a night of drunken debauchery i will tomorrow regret having told you that - i don't really feel bad leaving it at that.

the very embodiment of boredom

yeah, i went to the doctor today - turns out i'm not carrying a 15 pound baby. which i suppose is a good and bad thing at the same time. i mean - i have to deliver this baby but on the other hand i have no explanation for the other mmmmphh pounds i gained.

the internet is a very bad thing. there are more people with opinions than facts. i just got done reading a post about breastfeeding - which i advocate - that made the statement - "its what most women used to do and we didn't have the childhood diseases and learning disabilities" the fact is - it ISN'T what most women used to do. well, depending on how far back you want to go. but starting around 1900 a majority of women formula fed - some using commercial and some a homemade concoction. by the 70s about 75% of women formula fed and the majority of them used commercial formula. i love to prove my point too particularly when i really believe in something but using half facts or things that sound like facts to make you point is lazy and disingenuous.

i go to see my boyfriend tomorrow - the tmj doctor. he's so dreamy.

baby news

so tomorrow i go in and have an ultrasound and they "weigh" the baby. course if the baby weighs anything short of 15 pounds i'm not sure i want to hear it. i assume they will look for downs markers again. okay there's other crap i'm worried about but eh

then afterwards i get to do like a week's worth of work in a day or two. le sigh.

i guess this tattoo plan isn't going to come through. not in time anyway. i was supposed to go there and i just never made it there. it's been a rough few months in terms of - well, many things - especially getting stuff done.

i did manage to get some stuff done today but nothing like i should have.

i suppose i should go to bed.

maybe i'll have a peach first. i've only had three of them today.