Saturday, October 31, 2009


the boy had a great time. i think his father did too - dressed as satan; went with the full makeup and everything. oh and horns . . . that he crazy glued to his head.

samhain rituals will need be postponed until tomorrow. that isn't exactly how it's supposed to work. but there is no choice. i am exhausted and aching. we did get the

Friday, October 30, 2009

tomorrrow is painting day

or at least painting day one. we are going to paint the boy's new room in preparation for the arrival of his bed next weekend.

i can really not believe how much this kid is kicking the hell out of me. i'm more convinced by the day that it is a girl, although still not as sure of it as i was sure that my boy was a boy.

tomorrow we take the boy trick or treating too. it'll more or less be his first time. at least his first time going door to door at strangers houses. last year we went to see a little family and he trick or treated at his school. he loves his costume so we got that going for us.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

why can't they just admit it

the flu shot can make you sick. i'm not saying it gives you the flu; i don't think it does. i think flooding your system with antibodies and so if there is anything that is slightly in your system i think it sets a chain reaction. i know that isn't very scientific but i'm not a scientist. but i will say this - why else would they tell you not to get the vaccine while your sick. so, anyway, i just wish they would admit it. i mean hell, the argument: well, you take a risk that you'll get a cold for 4 days but you won't die from the flu is perfectly acceptable to me. i would have still signed up. but yeah, this is the second year in a row that i got a cold after the flu shot.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


i'm so damned sick

i realized tonight the source of my wistfulness around my son as of late. i'm going to miss him. i'm going to miss the exclusiveness of our bond. it makes me a little sad. i'm an only child who sorta got a taste of what it was to have a sibling when my cousin came to live with us. in addition to that i've seen very few families where one child isn't favored and few families where siblings are glad to have one another. yes i know you are all going to tell me how wonderful it is - i'm telling you what i've seen. and now i have to see the inside of my eyelids.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

i's sick

i'm stuffy; sore throat; short of breath; sore ears and a ragin ragin headache. so, technically i am supposed to call my doctor as these are swine flu symptoms but honestly that seems just damned silly.

the other message for today is that apparently leopards can't even camouflage their spots for even a minute

and in other news - my stepmother just pissed me off to no fucking end. she thinks she's being cute too and i never ever say anything in response. that's generally what i do - i don't say anything for a long time until i do. i think she has finally hit my limit.

i don't know why everyone has to piss me off.

i got to overhear a coworker bad mouthing me because i don't feed my child enough sugar whatever the hell that means

Monday, October 26, 2009

boiling, bubbling rage

we've hit a small wall. not everything is for your ears - eyes whatever.

the massage went very well although i am fairly certain at this point she is trying to kill me. she told me that the knot in my right shoulder was 'getting personal' which kinda scared me a little :)

this birth is impending. loose loose ends to tie up.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

not quite as fantab as i had hoped

i thought everyone was leaving early and coming back late. carl didn't leave until after one and malachai was back a little after 6. sigh. i know it doesn't seem that bad to anyone else. it isn't. it's just that i try these elaborate schemes to clear a whole day and it doesn't happen. and i could go on but it'll just be bitching and mostly about other people.

so i'm gonna salvage what i can by sleeping - if i can with this child trying to force its way out of the front of my belly!

i'm also hoping that i will wake up without a sore throat tomorrow. OH OH OH i just remembered i have a massage tomorrow which is awesome because i just nearly feel normal.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

caramel rice krispie treats

beat that bitches!! i am sending them to my cousins and to carl's friends. my mother is taking the boy to the cousins in east longmeadow (western mass) and carl is going to his friends for the football game. what does that mean? it means i will be blessedly; joyously; fantastically alone ALL DAY tomorrow!!

in case you needed further proof that rush limbaugh is a useless tool:

"Rush Was Punked: “Obama Thesis” Hoax

basically rush heard a story that obama's thesis was about his hatred for the founding fathers and ran with it like a kid at a carnival - only trouble it wasn't true. DUH

if i were these people the fact that i believed this would give me pause. but rather limbaugh countered by basically saying 'okay, well, it wasn't true but it might has well of been' iow, he has finally come clean that how he feels about someone is far more relevant than what they actually say or do

Friday, October 23, 2009

feeling the fall

i got both flu shots today which i admit freaks me out more than a little bit.

i think that i could have done something of note if i had pursued a different path. but mostly i didn't want those things. i wanted the "normal" things. but maybe that was my folly; not being normal and all.

serious headache over here.

when i was 15 and we started dating gideon and i would drive around in his parents toyota corolla station wagon - - wood paneling and all; bright yellow. it only had an am radio. we listened to oldies; generally fine by both of us. this was one of the songs we heard all the time, or it felt like all the time or maybe it stuck out cuz i hadn't heard it before. whatever. it's been in my head. it's a fall song - obviously.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

enter at your own risk

whenever i talk to my mother about gideon and his death . . . well, actually, i never talk to her about it - whenever gideon comes up - my mother always says 'what a waste'. i have no idea what that means. i mean, i understand what she is saying. she has elaborated even 'so brilliant and potential and " blah blah blah. but what makes it a waste. i know he was depressed and so yeah, okay, but what is the measure of what makes a life worthwhile. he enjoyed his job. had friends. was the glue of his family. he disappointed a lot of people too - pissed a lot of people off. but whatever; again i ask what is the criteria? i look at my life - i don't really see any difference. hell, i don't even like my job; or feel like i have close relationships. so maybe that's the idea - why we were so in sync. only he accepted it and i didn't - that's what kept us out of sync. i feel like i have become more as he was following his death - more accepting of how things are. it's felt like a weird sort of transference. either way, without him in the world i have felt more alone and slowly more comfortable with that idea; perhaps the realization that it was always thus. not seeking impossible things anymore. and so when my friend tells me that she watched her ex brother in law die my heart breaks for her that she had to witness that and that she has to help her sister with complex variations of sorrow but it comes more or less in stride; with fewer questions than i used to have about such things. when another friend tells me that her cat died and she feels silly being so upset because it's a pet; i don't see why she should be any less upset because the death is a cat. there are three beings in her house - two of them are cats and they fill a place in her heart. my ex-karate instructor lays dying - a man that i came close to hating; that i have nearly no respect for - i think how sad it is for the people that love him, how horrible it is that he should suffer in the way he is and despite the fact that it does have a certain karmic balance for much of his life i don't see it as a justice. so all these things touch my heart but they no longer make me ask why with anguished sky glances.

but my friend's niece; that is something completely different. i can't process it. and honestly, as horrible as it is that this infant has died. it isn't her death as much as it is that there are people left behind who have to process this. her parents - her uncle; my friend who i hate to see pained even if he's doing it to himself but this . . . these people held her; a bundle of hope - her eyes shined at them with purity they aren't going to find anywhere else. how the hell do they go on? what is the effing point now? i'm sorry but really live for what?? others who love them / whom they love. bah. love isn't hierarchical unless you are talking about child(ren) and then . .. everyone else is incidental. i know i have nothing to offer my friend.

so, sorry for the happy post - it is the other side of having my body nearly repaired. all those tense muscles trap both joy and pain - keep me from vomiting them all over the page.

um - - have a nice night?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

that might actually have done the trick

today was my third massage with the woman who beats the crap out of your body for its own good. i feel almost normal. i'm boggled actually.

so i'm actually inspired to go to bed. do something good for myself. weird. course if i could have been inspired to not eat a shitload of frozen yogurt that would have gone well too.

i'm thinking tomorrow i might be able to put some of the last week's events down. i feel almost feed. which has pros and cons. tight muscles do also provide barriers. your emotions and intellect can't travel between each other as well. metaphorically that is. that isn't quite right either.

here - let me share something beautiful and moving with you

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

massage tomorrow

whoo hooo

the senate finance committee has taken their crack at the healthcare bill. by the time everyone gets done with this it will be something that doesn't work. i wish liberals didn't by definition seek to make compromises.

i'm watching empire records - so very good.

i am a bubbling blister of emotion without sound
contradictions that are leading anywhere but to a conclusion
i am set in my ways but they are not my own
i'd like to step off but - - no you step off!

Monday, October 19, 2009

something just seems a little off

such a weird congregation of events in these last few months.

death and weird announcements of birth. there's been a lot to process today. and unfortunately most of it i don't think i'm at liberty to discuss. this last death i have heard about today has me a little effed up. i'll explain when i can.

in the meantime - can someone tell me how it is that ayn rand is currently being touted by people who are bible thumpers; antichoice; antihomosexual rights; pro death penalty; reaganites . . . do people even read who they are worshiping anymore

Sunday, October 18, 2009

so then

yeah, so last night i fell asleep while i was typing my blog. i sorta half woke up at one point - long enough to realize i had typed about a hundred gazillion "d's", hit save and fell back asleep. when i woke up for real only the first two paragraphs remained.

anyway, got more done today. if i can just keep this up at a moderate pace i may just be able to get the important things done before this baby comes without killing myself to do so. and i guess i'm gonna have to take some help from my mom which is something i don't really like to do and definitely don't like to ask for but . . .

we bought the boy a bed today. a bunk bed with drawers built into the bottom and stairs instead of a ladder and the stairs have drawers. i have no idea how exactly we ended up getting a bunk bed but oh, well. and a chest of drawers to go with it.

oh, and for all my michigan friends especially if you are in district 8 - according to your representative mike rogers - if you don't have health insurance it's because you haven't earned it. he came very close to saying it was because you don't work.

i'm watching nip/tuck. it's a show that i regret not having watched from the beginning. but it's just as well since i should be sleeping and not watching anything. night nighty night kids

Saturday, October 17, 2009


well, i actually got some shit done today. my mom came and helped which was great. sometimes you just need a little help or support or hell, someone to talk to.

a friend had a family crisis today. she called; talked for a little bit. then told me that she kept calling me because she always felt better after talking to me. how freaking sweet is that? i was touched

i also just lost half this post. long story explain it tomorrow.

Friday, October 16, 2009

bed bed beds

no not where i need to go - i'm trying to find a bed for the boy

we went to dinner tonight. great pizza and the loudest fucking people on the planet. i almost left they were so obnoxious.

tomorrow we go get the stuff to make the boy's halloween costume and i find a bed - no matter what. we found two that i kind of like so if i can't find another then one of them will have to do.

i can not believe how strong this baby is already.

commercials about the difficulties for children in the world are truly going to kill me. except that marcia brady is beginning to annoy me. although, i actually cancelled my sponsorship with children international. ineed to do something - either call them or find a new organization. the thing is that i re-upped with them like three times - twice on the phone and once on line and they still never got it right and that makes me nervous about giving them my money. but it's a damn pity for me to be doing nothing. i wish i had a ton of my money. i would take in foster kids and stay home with them.

again today i had two people - "you are too funny". i just never know what that means.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


justice of the peace refused to marry an interracial couple

so i post it on FB. there is one part of the story where it says that the wife says their friends have been supportive. someone on fb writes back "what was there for them to be supportive of" really? that's the the issue. the thing is racism still exists people. deal with it.

i have heard so many arguments since obama took office about how liberals are making up racism and the obama supporters are the real racists. now is that the reason behind everyone's objections to obama. of course not. but it doesn't mean it isn't real. in fact i just found out today that rep. lynn jenkins said the gop was looking for its "great white hope".

i'm caught some where between wanting to take action with the craziness or just wanting to go in the hills and stay the hell away from people forever.

maybe i'll just go to bed instead.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

liberal main stream media????

abc ran that story about the woman who was raped in iraq and couldn't bring a lawsuit because of clause in her contract. and how subsequently the senate voted to not do business with anyone who required such a clause of their workers. howeer, abc didn't mention that the 30 senators that fought against the senate ammendment were all republican.

today i read abc's take on the baby who was "to fat" to get health care coverage and there was no mention of the quote (that was even in fox news' article) where an insurance rep said straight out that healthcare reform would get rid of their ability to do this.

later in the article it also said that there can be denial or higher rates for people with a bmi over 30. and that of course is despite the fact that the bmi has been all but been debunked as crap. again i say - maybe not this reform bu thter had to be someting

had a massage today - my body is either better or broken. i'll get back to you.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

just a quickie

saw the doctor today. the pain i have been feeling is apparently similar to spd but not as bad and happens to many women towards the end. i didn't bother pointing out to him that i'm not really at the end. the baby was very active and had a weird chin. since the last visit we have gone from being in the 89th percentile to now being in the 92nd.

my boss is making me crazy and for that reason i have to go and go to bed so i can try to get out from under tomorrow. and i have a massage appointment at 2 - UGH. i mean don't get me wrong it's great - - - i just can't keep up with anything lately.

Monday, October 12, 2009

happy lost wop day

by that i mean christopher columbus. in third grade i asked my teacher why we celebrated someone who got lost and helped enslave and destroy an indigenous people (although i don't think i used the words enslave and indigenous)

but here's what's pissing me off today. a woman working for a company in iraq signed a contract to work there. a clause in there said that were she to be sexually assaulted she gave up her right to a court trial and instead would be heard (or not before an internal arbitration committee. four years ago she was drugged, held captive and repeatedly raped. al franken introduced an amendment to the defense contract bills stating that any company with such a clause would not be eligible for government money. should be simple enough right? there was nothing else to it - nothing attached. thirty senators, and i'm sorry but yes, they were all republican, they stated that this was unfair targeting of halliburton. are you fucking serious??? that's all i have to say about that.

tomorrow i see the baby again. ultrasound and appointment. 10 more weeks (hoping for 8)!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

family day

we went to the topsfield fair today - prize winning farm animals; rides; food - that sorta thing. it was basically six hours of walking. the boy and i both passed out on the drive home. btw, the v key on my board doesn't work so well - please fill in 's where they are necessary. anyhooo - the kid had a whole box of popcorn; lemonade; his first caramel apple and an ice cream. i anticipate that he will be up at some point tonight so i should really go to bed but then i'm rarely that smart.

here is the link to the transcript of obama's address to the HRC at the national equality march i't a great speech. hopefully it isn't crap. oh, and a friend from high school is the editor in chief of the magazine that links to.

oh and barney frank is a jerk. he said that the march was a big waste of time. course, the war protests under bush / the tea parties - they all seem to be a big waste of time so . .. maybe it's true.

the song, that version especially - i'm in kc again. mostly alone. with vague thoughts of loe i want face. nothing much changes.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

you crack me up

people say that to me a lot. i can never really figure out if they are sincere or being condescending.

so obama spoke at the HRC's event for the national equality march going on in dc tomorrow. he apparently (once again) said that he would end 'don't ask / don't tell'. i want nothing more than to believe him but . .. hopefully it happens. the fact that the policy exists at all is so mindboggling. and in the climate of the last 8 /9 years or so and all this lip service about honoring the men and women who serve. well it sounds like so much blah blah blah when you then say 'go fight for our rights - the same ones we won't give you'. it was more respectable to not allow them to serve at all. anyway, what really has me flummoxed is going to certain sites and reading people within the LBGT community saying that the gay community should give obama a break and not be so selfish yadda yadda yadda. this is not a frivolous request. sigh.

tomorrow is the topsfield fair.

the rugrat is spending the night at my mother's; which means i'm going to miss out on my morning snuggling :(

Friday, October 09, 2009

just another stop in crazy town

why in the bloody blue jesus did obama get the nobel peace prize. don't get me wrong. there are some things i like that he has done and others i am hopeful about. i am not and have not turned into an obama hater. course actually it's pretty much the worst thing that could have happened for him. the obama haters are pretty much convinced that there is a massive conspiracy in the works anyway. and glenn beck's response to all this certainly went right along those lines. now there aren't crazy liberals in america rooting for the destruction of the nation. nope, now it's a world wide conspiracy. course that said - wtf did obama do in less than a month (nominations have to be in by february) that was worthy of the nobel prize? the closing of guatanomo was a good fist step but since that hasn't actually come to pass yet . . .

lidocaine is pretty good stuff.

and so is sleep.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

i thnk i've made up my mind. buy the boy a twin bed and dresser; buy us a new bed; maybe buy a new living room

here's more proof that you shouldn't try beating up boys in dresses

eddie murphy did a bit about something very similar in raw. but i can't find the bit of film.

my throat is very sore / my head very throbby; i'm exhausted - my son will come jump on my head at 6am. so ya'll will forgive me if that's all ya get tonight.

the one obama move that has really annoyed me

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Gay After Tomorrow
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorRon Paul Interview

also - - - jon stewart rocks

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

do you have to - do you have to - do you have to let it linger

well, at least i got something done today. a little burst of energy. i would have preferred a larger burst but what the eff are ya gonna do about that. i missed that whole second trimester feeling great thing. i really could have used it.

i have been arguing with people on the internet again and i really ought to know better. i don't know how it happens or why i expect people to engage in honest debate. definition of crazy right there.

i can't believe this baby is less than 11 weeks away. yikes!!

Monday, October 05, 2009

almost forgot - here is a title

this morning i woke up because my son screamed out like he was really scared. i went in, then took him into my bed with me. after he's completely back to normal he says to me "the doctor is here now". and he is literally looking over my shoulder. i said "what doctor?". "the doctor that was in my room" "oh, what did he say to you" "he moved my mouth like this" and he starts pushing his mouth around. i said "oh, is that why you were crying?" "no, my paper got dirty" oh

so after i shower and whatnot i tell his father. carl asks him about the doctor and he says "the doctor is in mama's room now" "what's he doing in there" "he's with the boys"

it's like the beginning of a horror movie

okay - just remembered i have to see the tmj dude at 8 am tomorrow. which means leaving at 7 - to travel 15 miles. le sigh

Sunday, October 04, 2009

appropo of nothing

when i was a little kid - i fought - a lot. a lot of it was just being an extreme tomboy. all the boys fought and rough housed and that's what i liked doing too. course i would have preferred to do so in a pretty pink ballet outfit but such are the contradictions of life. anyway, one day i got in trouble. well, okay - one of the days i got in trouble was for beating the crap out of kid who talked shit about my father. growing up with the tale of the fifties still creeping into television and my parents and being half italian i assumed that this was something that my father would not only understand but maybe even be proud of. and maybe he was but he said to me - you know it's not true; i know it's not true - and i don't care what he thinks of me and you shouldn't either. now despite the fact that it was nearly belied by the rest of my upbringing - it was something that stuck with me. he wasn't telling me that there aren't times that you fight for family - it was more of a 'pick your battles' statement. a skill that i am not particularly good at. mostly due to a completely overblown sense of right and wrong / fairness. i'mnot sure what age other people let go of 'it's not fair' but i seem to have never quite let go of it. and it isn't a measure that i hold only to other people.

the other thing i have been musing on today - i wonder if you can have your belly button surgically altered. i meant what if you were a model or something. by and large - people don't find outties particularly attractive.

see - i started off with a bang. wrote all that this afternoon and now . . . i got nothing. eh, cohesion is over rated anyway.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

when does a rut become a hole

a giant black hole from which there is no escape. and in which insanity is defined - over and over the same thing and each time with the hope that the outcome will be different. i would liken myself to sisyphus except it isn't that exciting.

when it comes time to have this baby - i think s/he is gonna try to come right out through the belly button. i'm pretty sure that s/he is trying come out right now. well, hell, i still have a belly button so that's something.

stairs are enemy to the pregnant woman

socialist gardening:

Friday, October 02, 2009

how many weeks to december

i have so much to do before this baby gets here. not the least of whch would be it would be nice to get my shiznit together.

i went for a walk. it's actually beautiful outside. it was nicer outside then in my house. the moon isn't full yet but ya can't tell by looking at it. i love walking at night. always have. i've always been yelled at about it too but in years and years of doing it there was only one time it almost went badly.

when i went to kc to visit my friend after visiting gideon in kansas. i walked for about 15 miles. i made the mistake of assuming that if i was on 5th street - 64th street would be 59 blocks away. four or five miles tops. anyway i had two cassingles. here are the a sides of each of them:

which was somewhat appropo in that i felt i was searching and that my search had a spiritual bent


which was a little less germane ;)

Thursday, October 01, 2009

still sick / still exhausted

still this baby is kicking the crap out of me. i had intended to get so very many things done today and instead i ended up having to deal with eight gazillion different types of bureaucracy. seriously, some days it seems like i can't buy myself a break.

i was looking into refinancing my house - spent well over an hour on the phone only to reach the end of the conversation and realize that things were not as they had previously been presented.

it's cold but i refuse to turn on the heat. we'll have enough of that in a few months. especially since there will be an infant in the house.

let me leave you with this tonight - - from the fabulous dennis lehane (mystic river):
"grief" he said, "is carnivorous. It feeds whether you're awake or not, whether you fight it or you don't. Much like cancer. And one morning you wake up and all those other emotions - joy, envy, greed, even love - are swallowed by it. And yo're alone with grief, naked to it. And it owns you."