Thursday, December 25, 2008

this is the year

this is the year we won't talk about the horror of the holidays. this is the year you won't tell me how much your family sucks and oh, the laughs we would have had over my in laws. i don't meant big and mirthful but in the back of the throat and suppressed in the chest - the way we did. this is the year that we won't talk about seasonal affection disorder and whether we have it or not. this is the year that . . . well, this is the year that i go it alone.

i wish for you that you are at peace. i wish for you that, seasonal affection disorder has given way to eternal spring. i wish for you that the pain that haunted you is no more.

but if those things aren't possible then know how i hate you for leaving me all by myself.

Friday, December 19, 2008

like waves

i woke up this morning vaguely content and irritated at the same time. lay in bed letting my body wake up first. feel of poofy comforter - check; roll head off flannel pillow to cool cotton - check; push hair out of face - check. all the while letting my consciousness bubble up. no need to go shaking it by the shoulders. as i said, i'm vaguely content but also a little irritated and i'd like to try to end up on the sunny side of this equation. my eyes open - i feel good; scratchy throat haven't been drinking enough water but overall pretty good. what was the irritation i wonder. oh, right, i've had another dream about him. and the dream itself was only mildly irritating. but then that's the way our time together often was - lots of love but mildly irritating. but the irritation comes from having to remember he's dead. to have linked and spoken with him - spent time together in my brain only to have to tell myself he's dead. if i repeated any other phrase as often as i have said "gideon is dead" in the last few months it would become meaningless. no such luck.

in the dream we were getting ready to go; i was driving - a motorcycle. that piece didn't even hit me until a full half hour later.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

just because i said i would

so, nanowrimo. i "failed". i did about 25k words. i say about because part of the story was an im conversation - so it counts but they weren't new words.

here's what i learned. i made a mistake with my subject matter. i chose to write about gideon's death. which was fine at first. until i reached that stage of grieving where i just couldn't think about it any more. also, it was too recent.

however, i also learned that pushing the words out isn't that hard. further ifyou pushed enough poop out eventually you will get some little bright spots of elegance.

Friday, November 07, 2008


i miss my friend. i just do.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


"National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30."

so that's what i'm doing. i'm telling you this because you are supposed to tell people. basically so that you are shamed into actually doing it :) do not expect to read this thing. i will tell you if i actually write it but no editing is supposed to take place until after it is written and well . . . don't expect to read it is all

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

one down two to go

this is one of the songs my grandmother used to sing me. they say even as a very small baby i would cry whenever she sang it. she had a mesmerizing timber.

The time was in June,
The bees humm'd a tune
The perfume of rose fill'd the air,
When just o'er the way,
Sat a baby one day,
All alone and so one one seem'd to care,
But one passer by,
Turn'd and look'd with a sigh,
At the tears and the eyes swollen red,
Then close to her breast,
The young darling she press'd,
And tenderly to her she said,

Won't you come over to my house,
Won't you come over and play,
I've lots of playthings, a dolly or two
We live in the house 'cross the way,
I'll give you candy and sweet things,
I'll put your hair in a curl,
Won't you come over to my house,
And play that you're my little girl.

Perhaps you don't know,
That not long ago,
These toys I am giving to you,
Were my little girls,
Yes, my one little Pearl's,
And her eyes were like yours, large and blue,
But one night I found,
That the angels came 'round,
And they took her way up to the sky,
So don't stay away,
But come over each day,
Or you'll make your new Mama cry,
The title is: Won't you come over to my house

Written: 1906
Words by Harry H. Williams (1872-1922)
Music by Egbert Van Alstyne (1882-1951)

Friday, September 26, 2008


What’s really bothering me at the moment is that I can’t remember the five stages of death or grief or whatever the fuck. I know there is anger; denial; bargaining and acceptance. There is a fifth one but for the life of me . . . is it increduility? I know it isn’t but that could easily be one and it’s different then denial because it isn’t so much that I don’t believe it; I’ve passed that point a little while ago. Like when the phone rang and it was his brother calling from his phone and I thought HE was calling to tell me it was all a big fuck up; that it was a cruel joke or that it was his dad and not him or I don’t even know what.

There’s a song that keeps going through my head: you’re in my heart, you’re in my soul . . . so what, it’s rod stewart, now you know I’m cheesey. And he is; always has been since I was fifteen and accosted him in the hall for his phone number. Contrary to what people say it isn’t like that piece of your soul dies – it’s far more painful than that. For every part of your soul that is alive there is a touch stone on the outside. Beauty is a part of your soul and anytime you need to bring that part out there are trees or flowers, poetry or music; whatever it is that is your touchstone.

So pumping and beating alongside my heart; wedged in my soul are all the times we connected; all our conversations; growing up together; fighting; the chemistry that danced and bounced between us tangibly and sometimes annoyingly. That is all still there but I have no touchstone. That’s all I can bear to say for now.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

that'll teach those lying whores

you want shocking. when palin was mayor of wasilla (sp?) rape victims had to pay for their own swab kits.

that'll teach ya to get raped.

Monday, September 15, 2008

yep, bob barr is borg

so, i have already presented some views on libertarianism in general in response to some political discussions with scooter. so today i started perusing bob barr's personal views and record - holy hypocritical bs batman!!

everything barr did and said and supported while in office is in direct violation of the principles of libertarianism. which i suppose is why he's disavowed all of them. changed his mind about everything in less than a decade - well, boy howdy! that seems trust worthy (insert sarcasm here). i suppose i could buy that a bit more if maybe he had some sort of life altering event or came out and said "i was a giant fathead. "

course maybe i'm just prejudiced cuz there is one thing he doesn't seem to have revoked and that is his attacks on witchcraft. and in the spirit of full disclosure let me say that he only opposed it in the military and that was because the military attempts to train " "moral soldiers," he said, "and we have always been a country that recognizes that moral foundation as coming from God--not from a tree, not from a blade of grass, not from the sun, but from God. If people want to go out on their own and worship trees or grass or the sun, they can do that. But I don't think it's appropriate for our military to say we won't draw any lines or set any standards about what people can do with military sanction." " which at it's best shows complete lack of understanding of my religion; at its worst is the type of language on which religious persecution is built.

now, perhaps you think that is overly sensitive of me so, let's just say i don't want to hire a someone who holds "the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree"

so even if he wasn't a stinking opportunistic liar - i'd still be forced to say - fuck 'im; fuck 'im in his ear

my personal feelings aside; i called him borg because just like a democrat or a republican barr has changed his views to make himself more electable. how unique.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Friday, August 22, 2008

post for scooter . . . and chris

first there's this video from one of my favorite tv shows.

but mostly i wanted to tell you that carl and i were talking and he told me that it has become fashionable and a selling point for stock brokers to list on their resumes that they have a touch of asperger's syndrome (which i just misspelled at first - and earlier today i couldn't spell agamemnon - i think i'm losing it)

also interesting blogger's spell check doesn't recognize asperger's

anyway, i wanted to tell you that and i also wanted to take that and chris' comment on my post and suggest that we start an ocd cleaning company. i would hire them.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

you can't teach an old dogma new tricks - dorothy parker

first of all, before i forget yet again, Andrea - every time i see those new BK commercials with the cow chasing a guy who is eating chicken i think of you. as i said before i don't really have a moral issue with eating meat but it's a bit much that a cow is pissed you are eating a chicken sandwich?

but that's not why i'm here - i'm here to say that bugs don't belong in houses. i don't have a really big problem with bugs per se when they are OUTSIDE where they soooo belong. that said i think we have won the war of the fleas and are down to very tiny battles.

when i lived in KCMO, hereafter referred to as "God's Taint" and as stated in previous post that would be _your_ god not mine . . . mine has no taint :)

this god is your god, this god is my god
from the mighty sun ra, to thor's hammer
from red-haired brighid, to the christ messiah
this god was made for me and you

thank you - thank you very much i will be here . . . well, idk, for a while.

anyhoo, let me return you now to God's Taint. during part of my time served i lived on a streetnamed locust - best i can tell it was thusly named because that was the only bug we DIDN'T have in the house. course at that time i was well, sorta out of it headed into my nervous breakdown. that's about the only thing that kept me from losing it altogether. here's a little trick i learned though - bowl or plate of soapy water with a light right over it = flea trap.

so here's another thing that annoys me - when people say we have to save the planet. no, people, we really don't - what we have to save is our own asses. the planet like anything else seeks equilibrium and if we are the thing in the way of that then we will be the thing removed. capice?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

you may be OCD if . . .

you feel compelled to blog about your new floor/rug steam cleaner. OMG i am sooooo in love with this thing. not to mention horrified at just how fricking dirty things are. i've cleaned all these floors often and recently and yet ewwww . . . otoh, it's a little troublesome cuz today i was in a room that yesterday i steam cleaned and there was some dust on the floor and i could sorta feel myself compelled to redo the whole house. hmm, yeah, it's probably best i leave this subject be - i am one very tiny word away from going full on crazy pants on this one.

so first of all, how come i changed the title of my blog and it doesn't show up as changed on y'all blogrolls

next - where the hell is chris?

okay so, i had to go to a christianing this past sunday. not only did i have to go but i had to stand in for one of the godmother's (twins) . yippee skippeee so i almost fell outta the fricking pew when up walked three altar girls and two women lecterns. i was tempted to turn to the family and say 'y'all are still catholic, right?'

then the priest says "he could heal the sick, cure any illness" or something like that but he said it in a singsongy way that was QUITE reminiscent of King Missile's 'jesus was way cool'. which reminds me i don't know if mark was implying that i should feel badly about but as a recovering catholic and a member of a religion from whose roots most of the bibles stories were pilfered . . . if i can laugh at my religion then you can laugh at yours!

all of which i thought of because it's been a long time since i was in a church and once again i was struck by the fact that there is a half naked man dripping blood with his ribs hanging out. is this a religion or a sadomasochism convention? i mean, quite honestly the frank and shocking depiction of suffering is very old school pagan. even us heathens tend to try and steer clear of the gratuitous gore these days. and i understand that it's something to remind us that 'christ died for our sins' but best i can tell if he isn't fully dead in this depiction the lights have definitely gone out. how about a depiction of him appearing to thomas or allowing judas to kiss him - - isn't that more apt?

and that segues me to the next thing - everyone was like "oh the church is gonna burn down / lightening . . .yadda yadda" cuz i'm a witch. i actually got called an atheist which is fairly annoying cuz meanwhile they all go up for communion - i know half of them haven't been to confession since high school.

hmm - none of this is what i intended to post about - well, except my floor cleaner - effing thing is AWEOME . . . but for the life of me i'm at a loss for what WAS on my mind. that said i will tag this religion cuz it _will_ come up again.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

very weird -

i just noticed that the post i lost- or though i lost whatever. when i found it and reposted it posted BEFORE the one i started later but posted first. so basically if i start a post today but don't actually publish it until next week - it will show up on the date it was begun??

in the words of captain jack sparrow - a boogey snickle snickle

Friday, August 15, 2008

effing dammit mothereffing grrrrrrr

i just lost a giant blog . . . a lot of which centered around the fact that i have a lot of frustration. guess, how i feel NOW?????

DRIVEBY BLOGGING - - recovered

i have a lot of stuff going on in my head and i kept thinking i needed to form full thoughts and/or stories about them before blogging but eh - fugg it.

first of all there are 1200 bloggers whose "interests" are 'your mom' which surprised me. i thought there would be more.

so women almost invariably pick a guy over their girlfriends. and i don't get it. i never have. and believe me i focus (well, at least i have in the past) ALOT - a tremendous amount! - of time on men/ boys / their attentions etc. and yet friends always came first. in fact, if i was "on the hunt" so to speak (back in the day that is - sigh ) i liked to go alone so i didn't have to run the risk of ignoring a friend or not hooking up. it isn't so much a statement of moral judgement i am making as much as that i find it truly perplexing. and no his isn't a men vs. women issue - i realize that 'friends' may include men but that isn't what i'm talking about.

i am supposed to go see Chelsea Handler tomorrow night. i may back out. but she's good. for those of you that don't know her she wrote a book "are you there vodka, it's me chelsea". i'm gonna try to attach a small video clip of her but i'm not sure if i can do it.

so kim - thanks for the hint - i still lost about half the post that i don't intend to try to recreate but something is more gratifying then nothing :) i knew about that but i thought it lost because when i called the post up it had the title and the label and nothing in between. but lo and behold!! and yes mark, i am already a firefoxeee

i will leave you with this - FUCKING FLEAS!!!!!!

i am truly beginning to hate my life

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

another unsolicited movie review

to wong foo - thanks for everything

seriously underrated. because of that movie i will watch anything with patrick swayze, john leguizamo or wesley snipes.

other than that - i took ia day off today. just a day off. i mean i did some shit around the house; hung out with the kid a bit and all, but mostly, just a day off. i didn't even answer any work emails. it was fantabulous - - - FAN tab U lowSSS!!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

pretty fantastic but missing a certain je ne sais quoi

we went to see the dark knight - at a theater that serves beer btw; an idea whose time has come again - it was really good and yet was missing something. i am still a little bit at a loss to come up with exactly what it is missing but i will tell you this - anyone i should have "felt" for i really didnt'. know what i mean? the whole empathy thing not so much there. otoh - heath ledger - yeah, it's not people speaking kindly of the dead - he was really good. let me put it to you this way - i looohoove(D) him and yet through the whole movie no matter how hard i looked i could find no trace of the guy i thought was so hot. in further praise i actually was on the edge of my seat a couple of times and i can tell you that i am just jaded enough that that almost never happens.

alright - gotta go i've decided to get squiffy tonight. :) kiskis

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Pity Party

note : all caps added by carl

so we went to my friend's daughter's party today. it was fine - typical three year old party. however, my kid has been overtired for a couple of days now. so he was fine for most of the day until the end. he had a little tantrum at one point. and then generally just started losing it a little - oh and he had his first bit of candy today so that didn't help i'm sure. which btw, he had laffytaffy, and stored it under his lip like chew. anyway, i was so upset by the way he behaved. much more than i should be and i know it. on the way home i was in tears. so i tried following the thread out and this is what i've worked out.

i'm upset because i think people are judging him. i mean of course i'm upset that maybe they are judging me too - sure - but truly that isn't the worst of it. so instead of walking you through the step by step . . . it comes down to - i don't belong. i've been more or less ostracized long before i understood that it was happening. and it breaks my heart to think of him going through any of that. i think that's all i can do on that subject at the moment.


on a happier note carl is forcing me to watch the olympics which i'm not entirely thrilled about but beach volleyball is on today - hot amazons in teeny bikinis, oh, excuse me "sports bikinis". what could be better. and since our president was hanging out in the sand with them i think we now know why he's there. PS WHEN I GOT HOME MALE GYMNASTICS WUZ ON AND I LOVED THAT, MM-HMM

Friday, August 08, 2008

We MUST be over the rainbow . . .

. . . cuz a dream really did come true.

"we're not going nowhere, we're not going nowhere, we're not going nowhere, not at all"
this should be sung to the tune of jungle fever while doing a _very_ white version of the cabbage patch.

so miracles of miracle . . . our flight was canceled and we couldn't get one that would get us there in time for the wedding/reunion thingy. well, we could of - if it was on standby but there was nooooo way i was going to take a two year old on standby.

i think maybe "the secret" works cuz i sure as shit was mentally pushing for this to not happen.

there's more but i'm tY red. plus if "the secret" really does work . . . jensen ackles is upstairs waiting for me.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

E I C . . . turtle

so carl has decided it is time to teach the child to spell and thereby read. now, he is my boy and so of course i think he's near perfect. and i have started to accept the fact that he's pretty smart. point in fact, i'm fairly certain that by the time he's eight carl and i are gonna be obsolete. he'll begin to look at us with disdain as he realizes that we are both one small step away from mouth breathing. well, that one of us is a small step away and the other is drooling out the corner of his big fat yap!! oh, wait, i should have been thinking that not typing it.

yeah, digression and all . . . anyway, we have the wooden blocks with letters on one side, numbers on the other and pictures of animals and fruits etc on the others. so Carl takes these blocks and spells cat and says " C A T . . . cat, Malachai you say it, C A T . . . cat " so Malachai repeats it and Carl is pleased. Not five minutes later Malachai picks up random blocks and says
"E I C . . . turtle"

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

No Exception

"I don't know why you can't just accept me the way I am"

This statement is a triple threat of annoyance: hypocritical, arrogant and ignorant. Very few statements can lay claim to such variety.

Anyway, the short answer is - we're human, i'm human, it makes it close to impossible to 'just accept'. it's not what we do. i mean, i can do it no problem if your dumb ass doesn't effect my life. but pretty much as soon as your carelessness, thoughtlessness etc-ness, etc-ness. so that covers the ignorance aspect.

now, the hypocrisy. take your own advice. if *you* think that *i* should just accept you then why don't you just accept me?? and accept that i am the kind of person who doesn't just accept people. i know it's a little circular - perhaps enough so to make it sound like i am just being flippant but i'm not. really! take your own advice. but the fact is that you can't just accept that about me because my bitching at you is directly effecting your life - -- - you see what i'm saying???

which flows right into arrogance - by not accepting me but expecting me to accept you . . . well, the rough translation is this "my shit doesn't stink"

everyone wants to be accepted or at least have exceptions made

so that's my rant. it bothers me almost all the time.

i will fess up that yes, i have, particularly in the past, been rigid. and i'm working on it. i will tell you this though - if ya thought/think i'm harsh on you . . . you wouldn't survive a minute inside my head. which leads me to the final point - - - if you want me to be more compassionate - TRY GIVING ME SOME!!

i'm actually not currently angry about this but this rant has been forming in my head for nearly forever. and i figure while i'm cleaning out my house maybe i'll start cleaning out my head a little.

you've been warned

and on a whole 'nother topic - when i watch videos liek the above . . . i want another one!! :)

if this were a quilt - it'd be really ugly

so my little boy's face is one big bruise. he pulled my ten speed on top of his head today. there was a blanket draped over it and he pulled the blanket and down it came. he has a cut right under his eye and both eyes will likely be black and there is mark on the outside of his cheek. all in time for our trip to florida for the brook's family reunion.

please goddess, someone save me from this reunion. yeah, okay, i just typed six or seven sentences and deleted them cuz i don't think i'm ready to talk about all that at the moment. at any rate, the reunion, which, best i can tell, is not actually a reunion, but simply a wedding that all the family has been invited to - is in orlando in august so that should give you some idea of how much sense all this makes. oh, and the inlaws thought it would be fun to take the kid to cape canaveral but never mentioned disneyworld. now, understand, i can't stand disney - if the whole thing fell apart tomorrow i might even be tempted throw a little party. and i realize that sugar-bean isn't going to remember it. i would never set up a trip for him at this age but we are going to be in orlando with at least one day of nothing to do . . .

i know that man can not live on bread alone but can woman live on cheerios alone? cuz lately that's all i want to eat. well, that and sandwiches (i feel like that kid in the movie 'bad santa') but we sometimes haves cheerios and almost never have sandwich fixings well, not the ones i want anyway.

i'm watching the x-files. friends of ours have a daughter named echo. if she had been a boy they were going to name her fox.

my eyes are itchy. for those of you that read my insomnia rant. it is 2.38am and there is a chance that has something to do with my itchy eyes - well that and the sorting of art supplies. if i stop taking a break and get up and move around i may well find myself staying up for another few hours - ohyeah because i took a nap this afternoon. oh, it was a glorious thing. i fell on the bed and just slept and slept and slept. for three and a half hours, only momentarily awoken by kai coming in to give me a hug :)

my poor little dude - his face is such a mess. oh, that's the other thing . we are traveling by plane this weekend. about a year ago i remember reading a story where some kid just kept saying over and and over"byebye plane; byebyeplane" until the stewardess got mad and kicked them off the plane!! so i'm a little nervous. not about him behaving or us being stranded (OH HOW I WISH), no, i'm concerned that something like that will happen and then i will be forced to kill that person.

alrighty i am going to fight my neuroses right now and go lay down.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

it's 4.23am - do you know where your brain is

so i don't sleep anymore. 5 hours at a shot . . . decreasing by the day, i think it started at 6. tonight i probably slept about 4 and a half or so before awakening. usually it is just that i go to bed so late and then have to get up for work. at this point i guess i have trained my body to only sleep about 5 hours because i went to sleep at around 11 or so and then pop 3.37am my eyes were wide motherfucking open

it all started as part of my ongoing quest for organization in this house. a process that is like a very deep layer of therapy for me so i may write about later but for now let me say that is going *extraordinarily* well, better than i could have hoped. AND i have my altar / meditation / all things witchcraft; yogic; martial arts room finally!!

but i digress - which is a serious side effect of not sleeping. the more you don't sleep . . . or should that be the less you sleep . . .hmmm . . . either way it effs you up. when you're tired. you're just that - your ass is dragging and you could use a nap. when you are sleep deprived well my friend just duck and weave when you see the white coats and butterfly nets coming your way. i suppose taking a variety of drugs / b vitamins etc doesn't help but . . . yeah, um, it's like your eyes are suddenly a cheap ass digital camera and you can see huge pixelation and sometimes the pixels move around despite the fact that the object you are looking at is, as a whole, still.

and then there is what comes out of your mouth. all editing abilities are out the window. i don't mean the ones that keep you from telling that oxygen thief in the office that s/he is a worthless piece of donkey poop. i'm talking about the one that keeps your subconscious thoughts in one neat little corner of your brain and prevents it from mingling with all the other thoughts in your head. not necessarily the deep dark stuff - just random things ya know where the dream that you were (OMG - how the fuck do you spell ladel??) ladling (thank you chocolate out the window of a high rise and then the chocolate turned into ducklings and you realized you were killing them cuz they couldn't fly - - - ya, that starts to get entwined with the piece of your brain that reminds you to pay bills. i'm not saying that i have yet started paying ducks blood money for the senseless death of their offspring nor am i saying that i've tried paying my mortgage in chocolate. for now i'm just pointing out that there is a reason that those two pieces of the brain don't interface on a constant basis. actually there are probably many reasons but at least one of them is that little bits of chocolate ducks start finding their way into your conversations. you start telling people things that you aren't even sure you connect with let alone should be telling the biznitty in the next office.

okay - there's more but after about 2 hours of dicking around on the puter i think i may actually be able to eke out another hour or so of sleep, see if i can't use my magic fairy army to save some ducklings. otherwise i'm effed . . . ever try to break bad news to a duck?