Saturday, August 29, 2009

true romance

such a great and underrated movie. here's a fantastic scene.

oh and andrea i have had chicken pox. a very mild case. they said i could get it again but i'm feeling pretty confident - in 1993 the director at the daycare center i worked at was adamant (no matter how much we protested) that shingles and chicken pox weren't related. as a result - one little infected the entire school sooo i would think that if it was ever gonna pop up again it would have been when i was exposed to 60 little kids who literally snotted all over me ;) anyhoo - there's nothing i can do about it. i already called my ob and they were basically like well, we could check to see if you have been exposed but we aren't going to do anything unless you actually break out with symptoms.

i really could have used an extra day this weekend. tomorrow we head off to my cousin's birthday brunch; then t o go to where my mom rented a place on the cape. the i come home monday morning. carl goes down monday night.

and on that note . . . i need to either pack the child up or go to sleep. if only there were a way to do both.

Friday, August 28, 2009

okay i'm over it

this whole being pregnant thing

my son said dam today. it old himmt at i didn't like that and then asked where he got that word from. he looked at me and said "um, i don't know; from my mouth" so tht'll teach me.

it's only 9pm and i am already ready to pass out. and i think i got like 6 hours lastnight. mygoodness i'm old. and gigantic. and a little hungry maybe. how is it that i send my kid to bed and he's not even a little tired and my dumb ass is still awake.

also did i mention carl has shingles? can't remember. poor bastard.

what the hell is with faux news throwing out this quote about 'civilian security' that obama mad ean dtrying to peddle it like he is going to put us under some militia when it was referring to americorps etc. and ALSO when he said it in october 2008. has truth entirely lost it's value. now, you could make an argument about how you feel about americorps. i'd still disagree with you but at least you would be peddling in the truth. but all this crap abou thow it's just another step in his seeking socialism . . . ESPECIALLY when i have to ask - where the hell was the big outrage about bigger government and "brownshirts" when bush started up a whole new agency in the government dedicated to security here at home - you know the one: complete with their weapons adn billions of dollars and violation of citizen's rights.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

warm smiles and melancholy

i have a very warm smile because i just spent a night out for dinner with my friend from college laura.

and melancholy because the boy is at his grandmother's and i really want to go hug him right now. or at least rub his back.

carl has shingles. he went to see the doctor about pain in his shoulder thinking it was a torn ligament and found out he's having pain because he has shingles.

laura paid for dinner which i am having a very hard time with.

why is the bbc so much funnier than american television.

of course now i'm itchy which is ridiculous since it doesn't really itch. apparently there is more pain than anything else.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

ted kennedy

"great senator / bad date" - denis leary

a friend of mine used that as his FB status this morning. although he wrote it as "ok senator". i don't think he could bear to make himself type "great senator".

anyway that phrase was the second thing that ran through my head when i heard the news this morning. the first thing i thought when carl came in and told me "kennedy is dead" i thought "well, yeah, no shit". the only kennedy i think of when i hear just the last name is jfk.

anyway, the real thing i wanted to tell you was what a complete assclown deval patrick is. the man gets on the radio today and goes into high name drop mode. even going so far as to say that he was the one who talked ted kennedy into backing obama. when patrick was squirming his way into the world - ted was graduating harvard. grrr sorry, little pet peeve with people who name drop especially after the person is dead. if he was such damned good friends with him he would be filling his senate seat like the man asked .

interesting - i'm watching the colbert report. he has gone over to iraq. the troops went totally silent when palin addressed them and had no response when she was finished. she was the only one they reacted that way to. bizarre.

anyhooo - carl has just informed me that he has to get the kid out early so i have to go to bed now. let's see if i can sleep straight through. this morning i was up at 3.20. no, not 4.20 :)

lies; damnable lies and affirmations

the idea is that you keep writing long enough. no matter what clap trap it is and something genius pops thorugh. wrong. i've been writing a lot of crap for a long time now and . . . nada. i don't feel like inspiration comes any more or less often. i have had a poem brewing just beneath the surface about the nature of death and love; destiny and free will but it won't come. maybe it's too big. or maybe the muse is gone. either way - so far over half way in - experiment awry. but what do i know.

anyway, this is not to take the place of today's albatross - er, i mean blog. but going to bed at 9.30 meant i was up at 3.30. le sigh.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

beach bumzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i took the boy to the beach today. we met up with my friend lynne and her three kids. he was fine unti l we got home and then there was basically just melt downs. his and then there is me. literally passing out in front of the television while typing this. the thing that amazes me is that i wake up with my hands in typing position.

this morning my son comes into my room sans diaper grabbing himself and tells me "my penis is really big" friggin hilarious.

i am going to bed now. since last night i didn't write what with the whole being up until 3am working thing.

it's 9pm. i hear tell that people go to bed around this time every once in a while.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

victoria claflin woodhull

ever heard of her? i thought not. see this is the kind of thing that when jackasses are talking about "what are we supposed to do make up important women and minorities in history . .. ?" nope, because they are right there for the offering. she was apparently the first woman to make a bid for the presidency though the legality of her bid is contended. but still she was nominated by the equality party and ran. actually ran three times though the last seems to have been more 'in name only'. additionally, she was the first woman to enter the stock market and made money hand over fists. she also ran a newspaper and published an article in support o f"free love" which by the way doesn't mean what you think it means. it isn't promiscuity. it's varying degrees of marriage freedom. at that time it likely meant the fact that divorce was nearly impossible; that there was no such thing as spousal rape etc. etc. but also extends to those of us who don't believe that marriage should be state sanctioned. i would favor a more civil contract that is clearly outlined; has individual and specific agreements and penalties for breaking those agreements. this "marriage is sacred and therefore can't be defined and people can just walk whenever they feel like it etc etc" bullshit is just that. but i digress - big time. the point is this chick was significant and i never heard of her. and there is a whole huge list actually following that point. perhaps i will review the others later. if they're interesting that is.

the problem with this blog has become this - it isn't that i have nothing to say. it's that the stuff i have to say now is not for public consumption. though i suppose i should start writing it down somewhere

i don't know how the time keeps getting away from me - during the day and days passing. although, at the same time it feels as though i have been pregnant forever. and i look ridiculous

Saturday, August 22, 2009


seriously pain and trying to deal with it makes you foggy.

we went to my cousin's pool party. my boy LOOOOOVES the water. it was so cute. we put the little bubble on him and off he went. swam right into the deep end. we had to pretend to be alligators. seeing my family is difficult to some degree. it's a mixture of wishing we were closer and at the same time feeling like they don't get me even when i explain myself. sigh. families.

the funny thing is; at heart i'm a family person. i believe in family loyalty and being there for each other and all that but i've always felt so distanced / other. not that it is painful to be around them i don't mean that. it is mostly enjoyable. particularly this time - all the little babies of all us cousins running around.

course my first cousin basically offered to babysit malachai which is really really nice but i'm afraid she might indoctrinate him - pro-fundamentalism, antigay etc. and i'm really only being a tiny bit hyperbolic

anyway, it was a lovely day and it is a late night and i have to figure out how to be four different places at once tomorrow. whoo hooo

Friday, August 21, 2009

mostly politics

well, the president has disappointed me again. apparently he has asked religious groups to support his healthcare reform. he came very close to saying that it was a mission from god.

i really thought we are were all done with presidents on a mission from god.

speaking of which the other little news bit was ridge's telling us that the terror levels were artificiallhy pumped up around the re-election. now if only i could remember who i made that bet wiht.

someone mentioned today that it's frustrating that ridge didn't speak up then. everyone failed then; democrat and republican alike. there was alamost complete silence at everything that rampant cowboy felt like doing. and the media was silent too. that story on the president's seeking endorsement from religious leaders was done by FAUX news. now, there were stories on bush's religious craziness but i don't remember fox running with it.

alright i'm going to try to sleep before the leg pain makes that impossible.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

seriously cute kid

my boy was eating a popsicle and trying to tell me a story at the same time. he was stammering a bit and i said to him (apparently for the first time) spit it out. he stopped dead and looked at me quite perplexed. "my mother wants me to spit food out".

about a week ago or so the kid tells me that his sister (no we don't know what we are having) has "gone home" which, despite the fact that i am not all that superstitious, freaked me out a little. anyway, i said why did she go home. he said to be with her mommy and daddy. i said, but i'm her mommy. he had a big belly laugh and then said - nuhuh; you're MY mommy. oh boy!

so i think this jaw treatment is actually going to work. i don't necessarily feel a lot of relief today but i feel likeit shifted soemthing.

now if i could just make the pain in my legs go away that would be dandy.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

here we go again

between 4/5 weeks and 11/12 i had these horrible and bizarre pains in my legs. they finally went away at 12 weeks or so. they lasted longer and more intensely than when i was pregnant with malachai. nwo with malachai they never came back. guess what i woke up to this morning. i am not happy about this i'll tell you that much.

oh, and kim - i really like abigail actually but it's overdone and i hate "abby" so there you go.

i'll be sleeping downstairs tonight in the air conditioning - and yes that means my house hasn't gotten any cleaner. le sigh.

you know how distracting it is to try and think of interesting things when you're in pain.

we have moths in our upstairs hallway and i have no idea where the hell they came from. it's all like exorcist and what not. well, okay, not as creepy or plentiful as the flies but still.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

feeling very preggers but i still have a belly button!

this is one active baby.

i wish my company had iphones. i can't justify buying my own cell phone when they are paying for it but iphones are so awesome.

it really needs to cool down because i have sunk into lazinees and a little bit of a funk and between that and the heat i just ahve not been able to clean the house and it really needs to happen.

what the hell am i gonna name this kid.

i won't say i hate my job but when i think of working there for the rest of my life i have a sinking feeling in my stomach which increases when i think of what the hell else i'm gonna do. it's definitely a trapped sort of feeling.

there have been people bringing guns to protests outside of obama events. meanwhile, two people were arrested at a bush event for anti-bush shirts. my mind is going to break.

i guess that my doctor doesn't consider my weight a problem because he mentioned off hand at my appointment that i was at low risk for gestational diabetes. i can't remember if i told you that yesterday.

robert novak died - apparently he was dying just feet from me in BWH when i went in for my appointment.

day after tomorrow my jaw therapy starts.

i'm taking name suggestions

also, my browser is going a little whacky so i'm posting this before i lose it

Monday, August 17, 2009

it's hotter tahn hot

what the hell is with all these daycares that seem to be designed for people who don't have t o work? are there that many sah's that are just sending their kids to school anyway. good gravy.

reno collier - he's a comedian. he's pretty good but he's like a train wreck to watch. i don't know something about him is so strange looking that i can't stop or maybe it's when he talks.

so i recently found out that lincoln introduced the income tax - 3% on those making 600 and above. just a little piece of trivia.

okay - i promise that tomorrow i won't argue with the kid on FB about obama. there are emails i'm supposed to write too grrrrrr. i've easily produced three or four pages today though.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

listen people

i have been arguing healthcare all damned day before and after a four year olds birthday party so my fingers barely even work anymore so can't you give me a break

i have got to figure out a name for this kid i'm carrying.

oh, doctor's appointment tomorrow. for real this time!

well, it's very late at night and my boss comes back from vacation tomorrow so she will be a total whirlwind set on making my life miserable. i should sleep.

OH OH OH - jaw treatment begins this week - whooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooo

and speaking of jokes

c. thomas howell is in a movie on syfy right now (did i mention how much i hate writing syfy) anyhoooooooo he's supposed to look rough in this movie and boy howdy did they succeed. hell i look better than him and i don't wear makeup let alone have someone professionally apply it for me. ponyboy was ridden hard and put up wet. get it?? get it?? good stuff!

oh, so the reason i said speaking of jokes. my son told me a joke tonight
"how do you get the butter in the fridge?"
"i don't know"
"peanut butter and milk"
makes me happy just looking at it :)

i've eaten a package of twizzlers today. so sad. i love twizzlers though. they aren't even food. you open them up and you're like mmm, yummy smelling plastic.

i watched the haunting in connecticut today. it had fantastic possibility but poor follow through. when are they gonna get that the 'why' a place is haunted is where the story is. i mean they went inot that but it was vague. which after doing some reading seems to be because the author wasn't given much to work with but was given enough that he had to stick with it. but still they could have done better.

this looks promising if i could ever actually track a show. best i can tell the idea is these people have to rebuild as though the grid collapsed. npr had a whole show today about the possibility fo us falling off the grid. i have to look it up because i mmissed most of it. i don't know; on the one hand it seems like a reasonable proposition but on the other hand; the country is still littered with "bomb shelters".

tomorrow i'll try "the unborn". i am dying to see a good horror movie. get it. dying. i know - it's no peanut butte rand milk.

Friday, August 14, 2009

heartburn and exhaustion

that's what's going on here

i know i should be over the whole death thing - i wish i was. honestly just be thankful i don't tell you about it as much as i think about it or in near that amount of detail. one of these days i'll go on a diatribe. for now i'll content with dribs and drabs and try to spare you the nonsense.

there are a lot of changes i have to make around her in a short amount of time but i just can't sem to find the motivation or the energy. wait, is that one thing. no those are different.

something is on my ceiling that i swear is a crossbreed of ant and spider. or maybe i'm just so tired i'm starting to hallucinate. although i slept nearly seven straight hours last night. oh that reminds me. so i went upstairs to bed around 10.3 and as i get into bed i realize that i haven't blogged. i try the computer upstairs but there is no internet connection. but if i go downstairs then i'll be up for hours more cuz that's what i do. and well, i really have to start taking care of myself one of these days.

so i would have gotten a straight eight hours but my son came in and pulled the covers off of me. like i was a little kid. it was very funny.

i love him so much. i wish i had more energy or was more engaged for him right now. not that i'm ignoring him. i just feel overstressed and out of it a lot. so much changing all at once. for me and for him.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


when i was seven we went to texas. we visited with old friends of my parents from when we lived there when i was two. they had a son my age. mark. i thought of it today because it was the first place and time i had dr. pepper. i actually remember tasting it for the first time. i was very excited. hell, i was seven what the hell did i know. mark and i were gonna get married. yeah, yeah, i know we were seven. but it was mroe the dying thing that made it irrelevant. so yeah, i'd say if i really love you - - - well, maybe you don't want me to

okay, that's it for today. i have, once again, been typing all day.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

coming totally unglued

so that ob appointment i had this morning. yeah, no, that appointment was for Monday at 9.30 not Tuesday. ick.

secondly- i don't need an advisory for a show with sex in it but it would be nice if they ran a "there's gonna be a dead baby" advisory on tv. wtf.

gideon was in my dream last night. i wish i could get drunk. whine whine whine

i engaged in poor parenting today - we watched a movie when he got home from school but with all the bullshit at work and being tired and blah blah blah. i figure one day of television isn't gonna kill him right?

that jackass that verbally bitchslapped me yesterday on the phone . . . "oh gee sorry i was testy". wtf; do people think before they type or speak? this is work for cripes sake. do you know how many times i want to fire off an email or call someone and just tell em off. hell, maybe i should - seems like success is readily available to thos that do exactly what they please and when. i'm not bitter - i'm serious.

i just need to regroup. i'm just not entirely sure how that is supposed to happen. can i get a do over?

Monday, August 10, 2009

I am so effing pissed

i am seriously sick and fucking tired of people jsut thinking they can say whatever the fuck they want to me. everyone likes to joke that i'm a bitch and yet - i just got two emails from someone who is also working on the website - totally trying to bitchslap me. and for what?? cuz i misunderstood somethign. so he sends the first email that "sets me straight" and then FIVE FUCKING MINUTES LATER - LITERALLY!! he sends another email that begins with "let me try this again". i had not sent him anything or responded in any way in those five minutes why the fuck would yu say "let me try this again". it is so very difficult to not respond to people in exactly the manner that they spoke to me. for instance - "how bout you try it once and give me a chance to react before you come around try to get all high and mighty with me." but of course i don't. and it's the same in my personal life - everyone gets to comment on my behaviour, my demeanor. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i'm seriously pissed right the fuck off. maybe what pisses me off the most is constantly being told that i'm the person that _doesn't_ happen to. oh, yeah, i know, i'm reeeeeallly scary. if only it kept people from constant commentary. i know i've bitched about this before. you know what - i'll bitch about it again and i'll keep bitching about it until it stops bugging me. everyone can just bite me. i don't really see how this is good for my jaw :)

ob/gyn appointment tomorrow.also - giant effing headache. well, more likeside of face and jaw and neck ache. and now with a little taste of acid stomach.

Sunday, August 09, 2009


it's hard for me to imagine now that there was a time that i found my mind to be a very interesting place to hang out. i won't pretend that i didn't have huge negative spots in my life and that some times i wasn't tormented by my thoughts. i used to spend a lot of tiem thinking about the origins of the universe, the nature and possibility of the existence of a divine presence, what truth was, what morality was - - and i couldn't think just muse on these things sometimes, they were on my mind nearly constantly. well, with interruptions of friendships and "boys". hmm, although actually even those things i tended to think of throught the realm of higher truth. now i don't really

so i am 21 weeks and 1 day through this pregnancy and i would be so ready for it to be over if it wasn't for the fact that i am feeling pretty scared about having baby 2 which as i understand it is fairly normalplus i don't have a real model for how one raises siblings. and to speak as frankly as possible nearly all the sibling sets i've ever seen add to my fear.

leave me alone

i have work to do - uck - i can't believe i have work to do

but we had a very lovely day at the beach with my friend that i haven't seen since college. it was great. her son is about a year younger than malachai.

i got a nice email from this woman that i did a shamanism course with.

we're gonna try to go to a lammas celebration tomorrow. it is at a wiccan church. i'm thinking about going there. i need to be going somewhere.

the skunks are out again.

my wrist hurts.

my boss is totally crazy.

that's about it

how was your day?

Friday, August 07, 2009

cuz i'm a rebel like that

i did it! i cut my own bangs. i always say i'm not gonna and then four months goes by and what can i do. my hairdresser gets pissed but hey - when i told him last time to trim it and put two layers in and he cut three inches off and went layer crazy well . . .

so this morning my son went in my witchcraft/yoga/meditation room. i have my grandmother's sacred heart jesus bust in there.
kai: who's that
me: oh, that's jesus
kai: yeah, that's jesus
kai: gam-gam and i saw jesus at church
me: oh yeah?
kai: yeah.
kai: jesus is a funny guy

i coulda died laughing althought of course i didn't laugh at all just said "oh yeah?" inside i'm thinking 'you know kid, if there was a jesus he'd probably be cool with that but . . ." yeah, until the country climate changes a bit i have got to figure out a way to discourage him from saying stuff like that.

i do find bill maher a tad uppity but on the other hand
my favorite part "Until we admit that America can make a mistake, we can't stop the next one."

i know - let the beatings begin.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

perchance to be disturbed

typing with my eyes closed. i wonder if i can type in my sleep. some people do that automatic writinng. i wonder if i can.

bits and pieces of dreams have been finding me here and there - i mean dreams that i have had years and years ago. little bits and pieces. they go real well with the bizarre ones i've been having on a regular basis like the one i just woke up with where we all bought time running from a mass murderer.

you'll not i said woke up with - at 2.3 am laptop on lap; hands in typing position. so you'll excuse me won't you?

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

we had joy; we had fun

anything i had left of "nature's first gold" died that day. which i suppose is for the best anyway.

the inlaws leave tomorrow. the cousins were pretty fricking cute together.

anyway, i have to wake them up at 5 and i have barely had time to breathe in the last few days.

my little boy is really growing up.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

tomorrow tomorrow i'll hate this tomorrow

i can only find one article corroborating this. which either means it isn't true (keep your fingers crossed) or that no one cares. i'd like to think the former but i'm betting on the latter. the idea is that thye forced a pregnant woman to get care that she didn't want. the rights of the unborn fetus were chosen over her rights. but what do you expect - it's florida; where they are all about keeping yo alive unless of course the state flips the switch on you themselves.

alright- website work; inlaws here for another day; sooo tired and lazy. night.

Monday, August 03, 2009

every day there is a new definition for crazypants

i know i said i was done but really

so weird

i'm watching "more to love". i just saw a woman who is pretty much exactly my weight (well, not pregnant weight)and she looks a lot larger than me. and believe me - i think i'm fat. so weird.

so i only have a week's worth of work to do in the next few days because my boss is a little crazy.

so again you get ripped off - so sue me

sue me ; sue - shoot bullets through me
cuz i love you . . . .

name that musical (without google) and i'll give you chocolate.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

throbby throbby

so the camping trip was better than expected though i thik they are all just a little crazy. i mean - door to door we were gone for 36 hours, seems almost not worth it. oh, and then while we are there his sister and brother in law are like "oh, yeah, can we stay with you from mon to sat?" and of course they can. and honestly i'm not angry that they asked last minute like that i just find it bizarre. also, if i had any idea maybe i would have taken a day off to hang with them

anyway, we took a two and a half mile hike that wa lot of nearly straight uphill walking - through a fast running - - mm, idk a brook i guess but it was more than that. anyway, there was a big pool of water that we sat by to have our lunch. which was really beautiful. course we had to slide straight down hill on wet leaves to get to it. whooo hooo. oh, and i drank a crap load of water and found out later that i might have exposed myself to giriardi. no big deal just some sort of amoeba that gives you diarrhea. i think i'm in the clear. the boy like camping and OH he was a trooper!! he did about 3/4 of the hike himself without being carried.

alright that's it. the ice is starting to take care of the swelling in my foot and tomorrow is going to be a long fucking day. so i have had these little pains in my belly here and there. today it occurs to me (because of the strength of the pain) i'm being kicked!

oh yeah, there was no service until you got at least 10 miles away from our camp which is why you didn't hear from me yesterday. i'll see if i can't do two of these tomorrow.