whenever i talk to my mother about gideon and his death . . . well, actually, i never talk to her about it - whenever gideon comes up - my mother always says 'what a waste'. i have no idea what that means. i mean, i understand what she is saying. she has elaborated even 'so brilliant and potential and " blah blah blah. but what makes it a waste. i know he was depressed and so yeah, okay, but what is the measure of what makes a life worthwhile. he enjoyed his job. had friends. was the glue of his family. he disappointed a lot of people too - pissed a lot of people off. but whatever; again i ask what is the criteria? i look at my life - i don't really see any difference. hell, i don't even like my job; or feel like i have close relationships. so maybe that's the idea - why we were so in sync. only he accepted it and i didn't - that's what kept us out of sync. i feel like i have become more as he was following his death - more accepting of how things are. it's felt like a weird sort of transference. either way, without him in the world i have felt more alone and slowly more comfortable with that idea; perhaps the realization that it was always thus. not seeking impossible things anymore. and so when my friend tells me that she watched her ex brother in law die my heart breaks for her that she had to witness that and that she has to help her sister with complex variations of sorrow but it comes more or less in stride; with fewer questions than i used to have about such things. when another friend tells me that her cat died and she feels silly being so upset because it's a pet; i don't see why she should be any less upset because the death is a cat. there are three beings in her house - two of them are cats and they fill a place in her heart. my ex-karate instructor lays dying - a man that i came close to hating; that i have nearly no respect for - i think how sad it is for the people that love him, how horrible it is that he should suffer in the way he is and despite the fact that it does have a certain karmic balance for much of his life i don't see it as a justice. so all these things touch my heart but they no longer make me ask why with anguished sky glances.
but my friend's niece; that is something completely different. i can't process it. and honestly, as horrible as it is that this infant has died. it isn't her death as much as it is that there are people left behind who have to process this. her parents - her uncle; my friend who i hate to see pained even if he's doing it to himself but this . . . these people held her; a bundle of hope - her eyes shined at them with purity they aren't going to find anywhere else. how the hell do they go on? what is the effing point now? i'm sorry but really live for what?? others who love them / whom they love. bah. love isn't hierarchical unless you are talking about child(ren) and then . .. everyone else is incidental. i know i have nothing to offer my friend.
so, sorry for the happy post - it is the other side of having my body nearly repaired. all those tense muscles trap both joy and pain - keep me from vomiting them all over the page.
um - - have a nice night?
1 comment:
Up until I became a parent, I had always had a very unemotional response towards death; I viewed it as life's one true certainty.
However, upon bringing a life into the world, I realized the wisdom of a line from Star Trek: "how we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life". With one event, death became a little more personal to me because there was now a life which I was responsible for.
Anyway, feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk about stuff.
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