indecision

it seems to reign my life. look around my life and you can see indecision imprinted all over it. the indecision is a giant mixing bowl of laziness, depression and fear; as well as a lack of desire, conviction, imagination or natural talent. let me clarify; i'm not saying i lack those things altogether - this isn't a pity party (but stay tuned you won't find a shortage of that here) - i just lack them in sufficient enough quantity to override the bullshit that holds me back. i'd say the fear is the primary driver which i understand is startling to a lot of people but i'm pretty much afraid of nearly everything. i mean not like expressing my opinion or physical attack or anything like that. but any sort of risk. particularly any sort of move that lacks security and / or my parents would frown on. yes, my parents - the mix of the parents that exist out here and the parents that exist in my head. OH and committment - lack of committment.

so maybe my spell should have something to do with that or one of those. i did like scoot's suggestion but the problem with his suggestion and mine is that i am supposed to document it's success (or lack thereof) and i'm not sure how . . . we'll see

i'm on buffy season four. friggin hilarious. "turns out, i suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse." there isn't one in case you were wondering.