i spend a lot of time hiding. flash games; television . . . whatever just hiding. for a while i told myself that i just wanted a moment or two alone to clear my head, what have you. but i realize now that i it's just that i can't stand the things going on in my mind. i don't want to spend time with them. and when i am doing anything real i have to be at least somewhat present and again that means that listening to some things i don't want to listen to. that i don't feel ready to handle. and no, i don't just mean the whole death thingy.
oh, speaking of death - here's a funny story: i found a recording of one of the old songs my grandmother sang to me as a baby. it's from the turn of the century so it took a while. anyway i had it sent to my mohter's house directly. i meant to tell her about it before she got it. it arrived a week ago which happened to be 5 or 6 days before the anniversary of my grandmother's death. so my mother gets this package from a small private dealer in macomb, georgia. she freaked. hm i suppose it's not as funny without my mother's expressions to go with it.
well, that was my attempt at levity. i'm just very frustrated. my job; my relationship; my poor mothering blahdey blah blah
i made it through buffy. carl bought me angel so i've started on that.
OH!! WAIT!! i have even better news then that. i bought our pogues tickets today. whooohooo well, for the boston show. we are considering going to the philly and new york shows as well. especcially since i am basically being forced to take 2 weeks of vacation before the end of march. hmmm, there i am back to things that i don't want to think about :)
5 comments:
So, what was the song? Are there any digital copies that you could post here?
I don't understand what bad about having to take a paid vacation - I'd love it if you could transfer that to me. I get nothing after 5 years here.
Aah, if only I could have seen your mothers expression when she played that song... I would like to hear it too.
I am still at a loss for a solution to your brain that won't shut the fuck up. I like to see you writing here every day though, and think maybe it will ease it a bit to purge it. or not.
kimber - in this case it is a little less my endless brain and a little more that there is actual work i must do - things that need to change.
here is a version of the song. but here's what i can tell you; either there was another version or my grandmother drastically changed the words because i know she didn't say picaninny or coon - for instance in the first refrain i remember clearly her saying "curly headed little boy". kim can back me up on that knowing my grandmother. plus the way she sang it i remember the message being that white kids were mean to black kids not that the black kid should stay out of their way.
Stay In Your Own Back Yard (version)
Lilac trees are bloomin’ in the garden by the gate
Mammy’s at her little cabin door
Curly headed picanniny comin’ home so late
Cryin’ cuz his little heart is sore
All the children play around
With skins so white and fair
None of them with him would ever play
So mammy in her lap, took that weeping little chap
And crooned him in her kind old way
Why don’t you play in your own backyard
Never mind what the white chile do
Nobody ever would want to play
With a little black coon like you
Go out and play as long as you please
But Honey don’t you cry so hard
Go out and jump on the high board fence
But stay in your own backyard
Go to sleep my little picanny
Brer fox catch you if ya don’t
Slumber on the bosom of your ol’ mama Jinny
Mama goin to swap yo if you don’t
Ah-loo-ah-Ioo-ah-looah-loo-ah-Ioo
Underneath the sunny southern moon
Lullabye, Rockabye Mama’s li’l baby
Mama’s li’l Alabama Coon
OH and as for the vacation i just don't like being bullied into using it up because i don't want to spend more vacation time at home. when it isn't my fault that have carried time. it all sort of fits under the category of i'm getting really tired of taking shit at work
Can't you just not take the vacation and lose the days? That sounds crazy to me - but if you're going to take shit for doing what they tell you...
Mimi's best friend was a black woman, and I never heard her call her a coon. Interesting that she sang you a slave song. Maybe it's because you're an eggplant.
I say pick only one thing that needs to be changed and change it. Be like an alcoholic and take it One Day at a Time.
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