but i won't do that

so let me get the shit you don't want to read out of the way first - oh and btw, fuck you for that. :) there are only two things i've ever wanted in life - true love and a best friend. and yes, i know the mistakes i've made a long the way in that regard. pressures and standards i shouldn't have and i take that. course i also know the efforts i've made. but as for the other . . . honest. i didn't know. i didn't know that . . . well, i didn't know that my mind was so far out of whack with everyone else. seriously, i just didn't know. truthfully i still don't know the rules - i just know i am out of sync. i suppose i should have concentrated my efforts to like a career or something. or learning something useful.

today was another hard day in the never ending grieving. i'm watching dollhouse. it really is awesome and you should check it out. but in case you don't the overall is these people there brains are wiped clean and they are then impreinted with another life. in general i would like to sign up for that but in specific it would be good to just wipe gideon out of my head. for someone like me there is no point to this whole process.

now, the kid. so the potty training. the only thing that i have come up with is that he likes to flush the toilet so i have told them at school not to let him flush it unless he actually goes. i like to try to stick to rewards and punishments that are actually natural outcomes. when he was pooping in the crib (notice the optimism with which I use the past tense) we would put him in the shower. oh how he hates the shower.

damn - what the hell was i gonna tell ya - - -totally forgot.

well, this isn't it but . . . i heard from my physical therapist today and she and the physiologist have decided to xray / mri me and send me to another hospital's spinal clinic for physical therapy designed to strengthen my back and hip muscles - at least i think that is the purpose. seems about right to me since this program is all about strength exercises which is what i thought i needed next. although i do wish they had done some muscle nerve release in my foot before sending me on my way. but here's the other thing about that. i get to thinking about all that i have been through with this leg and all and i feel so badly for people without insurance and/or the impetus to pursue it further. i mean as far as my orthopedic was concerned i was a done deal as soon as i could walk. his answer to me needing pain killers to do a lot of physical exercise - don't do the exercise. so you might say to yourself so - what's the difference. the difference is - the problems i'm gonna have later on will hopefully be very minimized. this is where western medicine really lacks. i mean, how can anyone think you can reconstruct a leg using body parts from all over - keep someone off their feet for nearly two years . . . it's gonna take time and you have to address more than just the leg.

speaking o fwhich i went ot yoga tonight - a different kind of class than i usually go to. i like it though. a lot. i mean; i'll be doing it in addition not instead of but still. the one i really gotta check out is an hour and a half hip class. i'll keep you posted

so i went on line and looked and it only takes about 3 weeks to get a passport so i think we might be going on a real vacation - bermuda; aruba that sort of thing. not that that precludes michigan plans. there's actually a crap load of places i have been thinking about going to but it would be nice to go get warm for a little while.

i have a week to finish my mother's birthday present. i'm making her a photo album of malachai from birth forward. ihave a horrible suspicion i've lost pictures but . .. oh well.

i also have to call my friend cathy. did i already tell you about seeing her again and that she has cancer. well, i did finally call but we're playing tag at the moment. i'm hping to have her for dinner soon but of course my avoidance of phones is crippling progress. sigh.

so it's 11:11. i've been home for two and a half hours and it is just barely 65 in the house. my little toesies are cold. and i think i might be near exhausted enough to sleep without thinking.

a more serious quote tonight - no reason; shits and giggles - i like it . . .

Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open it's jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead.