blinding blinding blurry

that's pretty much how my head feels. but there are banana chips.

oh, and also, i let him watch some tv tonight and remembered why i don't usually. nothing bad - just - wonder pets for example is . . . well, downright bizarre.

i think i broke my brain. i went to go to yoga tonight - by my mother's house. i took a different route than usual and got lost. i hate driving. a lot. and there's pretty much nothing worse than driving around and literally not going anywhere.

i'm debating whether to go to fetish night tomorrow. dance club with latex. i feel too fat for latex but maybe i could use a night out. i guess we'll see how i look in my new ball gown. did i tell you i bought a latex gown? it's purty.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B001CBM7JS/sr=8-1/qid=1233973901/ref=dp_image?ie=UTF8&s=apparel&img=PT03&qid=1233973901&sr=8-1&color_name=x

malachai's "best friend" won't be at the daycare anymore. they are moving. they said goodbye / gave each other a hug. it will be a week or more before he realizes. i'm so sad for him :(

so a friend of mine - his birthday was on the 2nd. i said happy birthday. he wrote back and asked me for a spell. the last time we spoke was beginning of november. i told him i was having a hard time. he basically said he didn't have time. i mean nicer than that but that was the idea. so i started to just help out and then i thought okay so i will give you a spell and some ideas how to do it but i fear if i do it for you i will end up resentful. which is what i told him. nicely. honest. told him to give me a few days to make up my mind and gave him some advice about how to get it ready regardless of which one of us did it. i have to say though that this is fairly typical for me and my relationships which is part of why i feel so isolated right now. i joked about 'the bastard' that pushed me into talking about gideon but in truth i appreciated it.

the problem is this on the one hand i seem to have more than my fair share of quite obvious one wayed ness (see above). on the other hand, i know i have a tendency to hold people to the same standards i hold myself and those are pretty damned stringent. and admittedly i am quite empathic. no, that is not tooting my own horn. there are plenty of things i suck at but i have a strong sense of people's emotions. so what to do. the easiest answer is to not do anything for other people or at least seriously limit it. but the truth is that in addition to my empathy i really LIKE to do things for other people. but then i worry that i am weak; perceived as a doormat. and there is a sting when i need something. although i am feeling that less and less. these are all very old themes and i have come a long way on them but they still pose questions. all of which was a long way to say - - i am trying to decide whether to do this spell for this guy or not.

i really have to get back to my own spell for the year end / initiation. i was really making some head way with them and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.