i know you're out there

so first of all - let me say that this will not be posted by midnight. i think we should start making this a 'before i go to bed blog. although apparently it only shows the date that you started hmm, that means that i could just go ahead and do all these posts at the end of the year. mwah hahaha

yeah, that oughta give you an idea that i am losing my mind. i hae been in a four by two foot bathroom painting for the last two hours or more on painkillers to beigin with because my legs are pretty unhappy today. those of you who know that i have hired emily to do this painting are now asking yourselves why i was doing it. well, it basically goes like this - i was trying to make a trim color that was darker and matched the walls - which had come out a little different then i expected anyway and i wasn't very happy with them. so i made the mistake of asking carl his opinion and he said it needed to be darker so i made it darker and then it was too dark - so by the time i finished i had two different hues - a gallon of each - and neither of them matched the wall. you get the idea. sigh.

oh, so the title of this blog entry. i looked today, for the first time in forever, at hitslink - the site that keeps track of who is looking at your web page. cripes. there's been like 50 new people this month. and there are a number of them that are repeat - no one i know. i feel some sort of weird pressure to be entertaining now. and it's passed.

so i'm heading to pa tomorrow. i have so much to get ready and the house is such a fucking disaster - it always happens when we are working on a room. and in this case - in the last week and a half we've done two rooms so there is just shit all over the place.

i don't know how to stop clenching my jaw. it seems to be getting worse and worse. and if one of you effers tells me to stop doing it . . . i will find you and kill you.

i have mixed feelings abou thtis pa trip. i basically have already done this course material but if i want to take the more advanced stuff i have to take this one because they don't recognize my teacher as having been certified. i don't know if she was just never considered an instructor or if it was because she had a disagreement with them - i remember her mentioning that she had had a parting of the ways. but i know that she knew here stuff and was trained by these same people. the foundation for shamanic studies. anyway, i would go back to her but she'd dead. she died about a year ago actually. been a hell of a year i'll tell ya. anyway - so i already know this stuff. not that it isn't always worth practicing but we are also expected to discuss our experiences with the other participants. blech. discuss politics; religion; history; art - whatever - things with facts i'm your gal. talk all day and night with anyone. but i don't really want to tell people my personal feelings and experiences. hell, i don't even want to tell people i know. look i believe what i believe and i know it's a lot for some peole to buy into but overall i am pretty level headed / feet on the ground and i have an extremely low tolerance for - actually i have a high tolerance - but i really don't enjoy some of the people that come to these things. alright my ability to explain myself is devolving about as quickly as my ability to type with minimal pain so maybe i'll finish being judgemental tomorrow. ;0)
The Force can sometimes have great power on the weak-minded