blechity blech

it feels much later than it is which is because i wasted my day at a stupid meeting and then had a lot of beer. well, a lot for me these days.

i also had someone tell me just how much they respect me and how much my opinion matters to them. believe me; i dont' take that lightly. i'm often flabbergasted at how many people hold me to such a level of respect. but on the other hand . . . why then can't i find a shoulder when i need one. and why do i have the increasingly and overwhelming feeling that i will spend my life drifting from connection to connection and find none lasting. i am unanchored. i'm not really seeking to change that. i'm seeking to change my reaction to that. i mean i'm not sure what it is i think i'm missing.

so yeah, yesterday, i had two encounters with the stupidity of bureacracy. first, i'm at this clinic type place seeing a new gynecologist. they didn't tell me to get there early. i mean sure i figured i would have to fillout a sheet of paper but really it was a half an hour to check in. seems like an imporatnant thing to mention. so i tell the woman i forgot my card but i have all the information for you. she says. we can't enter it without the card. i said - i can have a copy of someone else card faxed; the only th ing that is different is the subscriber number. she points to the number i have written in next to "SS#" - 'is this your subscriber number' she says. i said ' no; that's my social security number - this is my subscriber number' and i point to the number on the line next to "policy #". 'o' she says 'well, i still can't fill it out without the card. i say what is on the card that i have n't given you ; no, but we need the card. o m g - so i say; fine, we aren't getting anywhere - i will bring the card next time. so she continues entering my information. a few minutes later as she's typing she starts to explain again / i interrupt her and say " really, please don't - i don't understand your point and i'm not going to and you clearly don't know what i am talking about so i'm sick of going around and around - i'll bring the card next time. the overflow of stupidity on planet earth is well, astonishing.

so the name i got in the meditation the other night was the name of my dead shamanism teacher - ramona. ramona means protecting, wise hands. and as an added little bit - her last name was lapidas which means gravestone. so all of that fits pretty well i guess. still freaking hate the name ramona. and as i said before it is gideon's sister's name. i could live without that too but nothing else came to me so . . . i suppose i could redo the meditation to confirm.

alright - that's it - i'm pretty sleepy and frankly i think this is fairly coherent considering i'm a bit squiffafied.

I have no speech, no name. I live in the action of death. The blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction, absolute, alone.