lull . . .

if i could find my damned phone i could download the pictures of the block tower my boy built in my shoe.

he's the best

my head is pounding. i have weeks of shit to do in the next four days.

wow. i don't ahve a single thought. the bathroom is almost painted

OH! carl got the job - so maybe he'll be a little less grumpy ;)

we've decided to go with a dinosaur theme for the kids bday party

ugh.

Also . . . my brain can kill me.

will i ever have energy again

yeah, the weekend was good - more about that later i suppose. although maybe not. i don't know how i really feel about talking about that kind of thing. well, actually i do know. so maybe that's what i'll talk about instead . . . why i don't really like discussing my spirituality with other people.

but for now - the government has decided to back all the warranties of the big three. seriously - does anyone even know what capitalism is. the thing is there are always loopholes in warranties and if you really think that the government isn't going to exploit that then you're new here. and that isn't because the government is evil it's because there is no payoff to doing otherwise. the reason companies honor and back their products is so that you will do more business with them. with few exceptions - that's it. too bad they didn't employ this same deal with aig. aig = two thirds of aigh.

so what's his butt has to quit. seriously i forget his name at the moment. it's gonna drive me crazy. whatever, the point is i was listening to an economist on npr today who made the point that they should call for the resignation of the uaw heads as well. now in theory i'm a big union proponent. there needs be a way to ensure that employees are not exploited. the strength of unions helps even nonunion workers. employers must be accountable to their employees. it's a great idea but really - who the hell are the unions accountable to?

i'm leaving all these thoughts half tdone - sorry. i have a splitting headache.

so after the workshop was over - carl and joe and malachai came to meet me. so kai comes in and there is a woman there and i go to introduce them and the woman says what is your name and he says "pig". too funny - he's introducing himself this way now. so i say 'well, yes, but what does mama call you' and he says "babydoll". nothing like a little identity crisis.

this is going to be a hell of a week.

you're getting gypped again

i know gypped isn't pc but the only other term i could come up with was shanghai-ed and at least my people are sorta related to the gypsies.

anyway - we are leaving straight from my workshop tonight so i might well not get to type until tomorrow.

i slept for 9 hours last night - in a row. i can't remember the last time that happened. i admit - it might be all it is cracked up to be.

it's 9 pm and i'm all done

i am seriously beat - slept maybe four hours last night and did spiritual work all day.

i'm hoping to be back after i put the kid to bed. but i'm not promising.

if not . . . sleep tight kids

and we're on our way

i'm gonna miss dollhouse dammit

i didn't get as much done today as i would like too. i have a hard time when there are other people here. i really just need one day all by myself. to get stuff done and in general.

i'm stressed.

sigh

maybe i'll type more from the road. i gotta shower.

in general in my life i need to manage my time better. and sleep a bit. ever.

Don't worry, don't be nervous. Do what I do, just picture yourself naked.

i know you're out there

so first of all - let me say that this will not be posted by midnight. i think we should start making this a 'before i go to bed blog. although apparently it only shows the date that you started hmm, that means that i could just go ahead and do all these posts at the end of the year. mwah hahaha

yeah, that oughta give you an idea that i am losing my mind. i hae been in a four by two foot bathroom painting for the last two hours or more on painkillers to beigin with because my legs are pretty unhappy today. those of you who know that i have hired emily to do this painting are now asking yourselves why i was doing it. well, it basically goes like this - i was trying to make a trim color that was darker and matched the walls - which had come out a little different then i expected anyway and i wasn't very happy with them. so i made the mistake of asking carl his opinion and he said it needed to be darker so i made it darker and then it was too dark - so by the time i finished i had two different hues - a gallon of each - and neither of them matched the wall. you get the idea. sigh.

oh, so the title of this blog entry. i looked today, for the first time in forever, at hitslink - the site that keeps track of who is looking at your web page. cripes. there's been like 50 new people this month. and there are a number of them that are repeat - no one i know. i feel some sort of weird pressure to be entertaining now. and it's passed.

so i'm heading to pa tomorrow. i have so much to get ready and the house is such a fucking disaster - it always happens when we are working on a room. and in this case - in the last week and a half we've done two rooms so there is just shit all over the place.

i don't know how to stop clenching my jaw. it seems to be getting worse and worse. and if one of you effers tells me to stop doing it . . . i will find you and kill you.

i have mixed feelings abou thtis pa trip. i basically have already done this course material but if i want to take the more advanced stuff i have to take this one because they don't recognize my teacher as having been certified. i don't know if she was just never considered an instructor or if it was because she had a disagreement with them - i remember her mentioning that she had had a parting of the ways. but i know that she knew here stuff and was trained by these same people. the foundation for shamanic studies. anyway, i would go back to her but she'd dead. she died about a year ago actually. been a hell of a year i'll tell ya. anyway - so i already know this stuff. not that it isn't always worth practicing but we are also expected to discuss our experiences with the other participants. blech. discuss politics; religion; history; art - whatever - things with facts i'm your gal. talk all day and night with anyone. but i don't really want to tell people my personal feelings and experiences. hell, i don't even want to tell people i know. look i believe what i believe and i know it's a lot for some peole to buy into but overall i am pretty level headed / feet on the ground and i have an extremely low tolerance for - actually i have a high tolerance - but i really don't enjoy some of the people that come to these things. alright my ability to explain myself is devolving about as quickly as my ability to type with minimal pain so maybe i'll finish being judgemental tomorrow. ;0)
The Force can sometimes have great power on the weak-minded

putting the genie back in the bottle as it were

i can't really continue about gideon. not today. not sure i should at all. things had been getting easier and today was markedly more difficult. although, maybe it's just coincidence. i had to drive to PT and as i mentioned before for some reason (likely several of them) time alone in the car is . . . needless to say the 6 hour trip to PA this weekend oughta be lovely.

speaking of less than ideal - this pt is really kicking my ass. it better damned well work!! oh and if anyone sees any painkillers around - holler at me!

yeah, so i started to answer scooters blog on here cuz my earlier response never took and i lost it. then it got lengthy and i sorta just blew my load over there. sigh.

i should go to bed but my body hurts too much to walk upstairs.

this morning the boy had a bellyache. he says - my tummy hurts - and he asks for ice. we're like huh? but we give him a little cup of ice. he takes it and holds it against his belly. cuz whenever he has any other booboo we put ice on it. seriously cracks me up.

that movie about the big dan's rape is on but i didn't think i could handle it so i pussed out for superbad. if you don't know what big dan's is . . . http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheryl_Araujo

alright - i'm going to try to crawl upstairs now.

Uh-oh, you have but-face... You look like you're gonna say'but

is it really only tuesday - - cripes

the last two days have lasted forever and yet been so pointless. still sick.

i don't really have anything going on in my head - i've ceased to have thoughts. i just have formless anxeity. i'm not unhappy i just have so fucking much to do and i have been too sick and lethargic to do it. trying to talk myself out of stressing may in fact be counterproductive.

so, i guess i'll tell you one of those things about the grieving that i have been holding back. i am obsessed with the last moments of gideon's life. consumed with what went through his head; also there is the . . . well, one of the things was . . . in the last few months of his life i woul dget these random emails from him 'when are you coming to see me'. and there were a few of times i tried to call him but he didn't answer. and there were a couple of times i tried to will him to call me. now, i don't know how you feel about such things but i had a friend that i used to try to will to do stuff and he would actually report being effected. i'm not going to walk you through that right now though. take it at face value.

so the night gideon died. in fact, while he was dying i was driving home from my mother's. i can't remember whether i tried to call him or to will him to call me that night. i worry that i did that i might have averted his attention. in fact when i got home i remember having this weird idea that he had deleted me from his friends list on myspace and looking him up to see if he had been on lately - if he had deleted me. btw, the whole 'did i avert his attention'. i don't really blame myself (well, not in that way). i mean, we all have cell phones. you call someone you have no idea if they are driving; walking; fucking - - whatever. we'll get into the ways i do actually blame myself some other time.

here's the thing; well, things - i have been on a motorcycle when gideon almost wiped out. it was fall '86. when i tell you that i don't know how we weren't smeared across the pavement like melted butter. had we so much as moved a pinky differently . . . if our elbows had been out a little more we would have lost our arms. it happened because gideon turned around to laugh with me about idk scaring me maybe. and because he was turned away from the pavement he never saw how close we came. and even if he had he would have underplayed it. honestly i wasn't really scared either. i have gone back to that countless times through the years. it was one of those moments that your mind takes a snapshot of. go forward four years i am in my senior year in college / gideon is living in nebraska. i get a "letter" from him. it was actually a notebook - he wrote an ongoing letter to me. most of it he wrote while he was recuperating - from what you ask? - flipping over the handlebars of his bicycle and breaking his clavicle. he wrote a short story about it; wry humor - about the road being drunk. the turning point of the narrative is his last thoughts before hitting the ground. i guess - well, what i really guess is that is all i can type for now. i suppose i should say more - i'm kinda leaving all this without a narrative or analysis but i'm worn out.

sorry

Nobody deserves a mime

and this is the post that belongs to monday

an ammendment to (what was supposed to be) sunday's post. i have to live somewhere that gideon has never lived or that he and i haven't been together. so KCMO (satan's taint) is out of the question. i know, i know and i'm always talking about moving back there. what a disappointment. and scooter - it's so funny as i was typing those words i was anticipating you or kim asking about MI that was actually supposed to be part of the post if i had ever finished it. as far as i know gideon has never been to MI but then i have so that is sorta out of the question cuz other than you guys and p.y. stix . . . can't really see a reason.

kim - i did pray to pagan goddess' and also st. anthony. here's why. i no more believe that there is an actual goddess or god dwelling somewhere than i believe that capital g god is sitting in a throne of downy cloud ready to "judge the living and the dead" as it were. what i do believe is that it is easier to connect with the aspects of the divine by giving them persona. ie the aspect of the divine that is the kind and gentle mother - brighid; the aspect of the divine that is unwaivering in the face of death and darkness - morrigan (to oversimplify the point). i believe that jesus was the manifestation of the divine when man became more rationale and intellectual. i also believe that ritual is ritual and that certain rituals because of the strength of the collective consciousness that engage in them have particular strength - ie the st. anthony prayer which i have seen embraced even by hardcore atheist. magic is magic and if something is done enough times the universe will recognize and bend to that. i know that you were just joking but it gave me a chance to articulate something i believe spiritually which isn't always possible. i usually find myself starting sentences and then stopping only to try again

here's some good news for those of you who haven't seen my facebook status

VT Senate Passes Same Sex Marriage Bill http://www.fox44.net/Global/story.asp?S=10056842

and it came from fox so you know it's . . . well, i vetted it with other sources it is in fact true.


i think i'm dying. okay - so i'm not dying but i am sick as a dog and i can't even fricking tell you how much i have to do

i am going to a shamanic workshop in pennsylvania (that so doesn't look like it spelled right). the weekend after is kai's party and i have done pretty much nothing for it. aigh.

okay - i just stressed myself the hell out.

here's something entertaining:


You know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me.

the post that never was

so you'll get two again today. here is what i started but never posted yesterday:

so last night's post might seem like a ripoff but what you have to understand is this - i was out all day. yoga; nieces bday party then at my mother's dying of a stomach ache for like two hours. i come home to get ready for the concert and i can't find my wallet. now we don't go out hardly ever and i have been looking forward to this concert basically since last year's show ended. and while it would be horrible enough to go to a pogues show and not drink - i'm pretty sure they aren't going to let me in without it (turns out i was right) so we spend nearly a half hour looking. i actually ended up praying. found the thing wedged almost completely underneath my driver's seat in the car. so we drive there - now last year the opening act lasted about an hour and the pogues were on by 8:15 or so. it is quarter of 8 when we get in town and, as we are parking, realize that we have left the tickets at home. and this is where i once again am glad that i bought the online tickets cuz we go to a kinko's and print them out - what a clusterfuck. oh, and while i am downtown i am remarking to carl 'oh, wow, i haven't been in this section of the world for years - i can't even remember . . .' and then i remember - gideon's reunion when he was being obnoxiously drunk and i just left him in the middle of downtown boston. i have decided that i need to move to a state where he's never lived. but i digress. so after all that - the blog post was done on carl's (my batteries are dying) iphone standing in line to get into the house of blues. shew!

and that is where i left off - i had intended to go on to tell you all that on the way to the show i was sneezing like a mad woman and that i then couldn't get my eye to stop watering and my throat hurt and my nose wouldn't stop dripping. but . . . well, my throat hurt and my nose wouldn't stop dripping and i couldn't see out of one eye :)

anyway the concert was great - more later. pretend it's yesterday. you don't have to go to work. ;D

Brb, pogues

novelette anyone?

first off my body is damned near broken

okay so this morning i woke up with this thought. if they clone a human would there be a soul. if the answer is no; that is to say if the soul doesn't follow the flesh by definition then isn't it just as possible for there to be a person without a soul? if the answer to that is no then okay, that means that the soul is part of the birthing process. my own personal belief is that it is part of what is referred to as the "quickening" - somewhere around 16 / 18 weeks. don't ask me why. the truth is that this is the type of shit that just pops into my head. which is a bit annoying since i have enough relevant bullshit plaguing me.

i am watching the movie W. - waiting for the drugs to kick in so i can clean my house with limited pain so that i can be in a lot of pain later. so far it's not bad. i thought it was going to be completely funny and/or a total bush bash. there's a little of that but well, cripes i mean the guy actually did gt fired from nearly every job he had. they haven't even addressed the fact that he managed to bankrupt two oil companies in texas.

but while they are pointing out some of his shit they are also saying that yes in fact he did want to bring democracy to the middle east. personally i'm not sure about that but . . . so far i would recommend this movie; regardless of your politics. well, don't watch it if you think bush is an undisputed hero or if you think he is the anti-christ. cuz he's neither.

on a lighter note - i saw some comedian doing a bit where he was being george h.w. talking to w. and he says "and why are you the only one in the family with a texas accent" lol

i've spent a long time waiting for some kind of revelation ; epiphany - AHA! so here's the conclusion i've come to - i think usually that happens to people who already have a very strong set mindset. i don't mean they're narrow minded or they don't question. but i question everything all the time. there's almost nothing i take for granted. i know that sounds like i am patting myself on the back - i'm not. it's good to question and to keep an open mind. on the other hand there is a weakness to it. but whatever - the point is if you are constantly questioning things it is hard for something to really pop up and completely change your mind about everything. so i guess i should stop waiting for my aha moment is the point of that.

i just spent an hour arguing with RCN. goddess i hate them. i implore you to stay away from them if at all possible. techs upport left me on hold for a half hour and then hung up on me.

okay - yeah gotta watch this movie if for nothing else to hear the iraq discussion midway through the movie ESP colin powell.

and now for something completely different



so - this as with all things i need to find a balance. i started writing early in the morning and then burnt out to where i can't really bring it altogether neatly. or usually i wait until later in the night and then i don't have the energy to write much. sigh.

threesome thursday

gotcha! couldn't come up with a title

some more seriously disturbing stuff
http://www.hrc.org/endthelies/wall/HRC_3D_Wall.html

i am watching harold and kumar escape from guantanamo and i have to say i'm enjoying it. which might mean my brain is broken. i admit i enjoyed the white castle one. currently they got george w calling his father and telling him he doesn't need his approval and telling him to fuck off.

ya know on a serious note - some of the shit that has come out of barbara bush's mouth - seriously what the . .. i saw her name on a quote today - which was one of the ones that flabbergasts me. the one . . . i guess i gotta look it up - hold please
In response to the war
"Why should we hear about body bags and deaths," Barbara Bush said on ABC's "Good Morning America" on March 18, 2003. "Oh, I mean, it's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"
I mean, really, how is that not the most disrespectful thing? you have people telling you you shouldn't question the government especially in light of a war because of the sacrifices being made by the military. but not one word about this woman saying she doesn't want to waste her beautiful mind with thoughts of their sacrifice. not one word.

the truth is we should hear about every soldiers death - on both sides and we should hear innumerable details about every civilian death. the way it is supposed to work is that military personnel agree to follow orders without question. those orders are supposed to come from a government that is hired by us to represent our interests. so effectively it is the job a patriotic citizen to watchdog and be certain that our government is not putting the lives of people, people wih such strength that they are willing to have faith that their submission of body and mind will not be abused, in danger for political gain.

so when barbara says she doesn't want to hear about it - it makes me sick. and when the media doesn't have it on every channel eight thousand times for weeks on end i roll my eyes. when i hear that the media has an anti-right wing agenda i get a little agitated. when all these things come with a cherry on top that calls me unpatriotic it is near enraging.

beautiful mind - hmmmpph. course, maybe the media is just doing me a favor. cuz i really wish i hadn't seen that again.

so yep, the new PT - kicking my ass all over town.

carl's father took malachai to see the trains today. the conductor gave him tickets and the engineer blew the whistle for him. so he came home all sorts of happy. we're going to take him for a train ride on sunday. that would be sunday as in the day after saturday which would be the day i'm going to see the pogues. if only my phone had text - i would drunk text you all happily. OH!! wait - i have messenger on my phone - both yahoo and gmail. oh, it's on like donkey kong bitches!!

tomorrow i have to plan the kids party which is already going to be disastrous cuz i am going to have way too many peole. it damned well better be warm out that day so the kids can at last go out and play. aigh. and i have no idea how i am supposed to get this house ready. we are out all day saturday / saturday night and then i am going away next weekend. grrr.

oh, but that part is good news - i am going to that shaman workshop after all.

alright kiddies - my body is aching and my time is at hand . . .

'That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!'

on a dime

it's amazing how the atmosphere of a situation can turn on a dime.

i'm seething a bit at the moment so this will be very brief. and if i can calm myself down there might be an after 12 addendum. suffice it to say - i often feel like i'm screaming into a vacuum. no, not a vacuum cleaner. and the amount of crap i have to do before i go to bed tonight is staggering. tonight - bah! - tomorrow.

see - seething. not fun blogging.

i must go finish mixing paint and setting up for a spell i have to do this weekend. ahhhh, this weekend, i feel a tiny bit better on that front. saturday night i'm gonna see if i can't drink as much as shane :). i met a girl on line who said she drank with him one night and did keep up with him and that is when she decided to stop drinking. interesting way to hit bottom.

alright i am feeling a little better but the paint is drying out.

the endodontic guy said i just have really bad TMJ ; my new PT kicked my ass twice tonight and i have to get a tooth filled tomorrow morning. i'm freaking falling apart. can i just have a few extra days in a week. my luck they'd happen during my period. oh, right

'Turns out, when a secret government agency studies vampires and puts chips in their brains that keep them from hurting people, they don't really build websites.'

st patty's day

so the truth of st. patty's day is actually a story of the near extermination of pagan religions and culture in ireland. so it's a bit ironic that i love it but i do and i'm not sure i can even say anything about why that makes a damned bit of sense. we had our giant boiled dinner and i'm drinking bass (and this is probably gonna be a few minutes after 12 cuz carl just came and started talking to me and simply wouldn't stop). a friend from college sent a video for patty's that i'd like to share with you but i haven't asked him yet so instead i'll share this



today has run the proverbial rollercoaster. emotionally that is. although - kind of boring rollercoaster. up and down but not in the extreme.

my son is verging on being able to tell a narrative. beginning / middle / end with adjectives and adverbs. i can hear him begin to understand that things have meanings. understand, i mean he is beginning to - i'm not some nutcase that thinks he's gonna write the american novel by 5. there's no way that'll happen until he's like 10 / no later than 12 anyway. ;)

alright - time ticks - no buffy quote tonight. tonight i'll let shane do the talking for me. seriously you GOT to watch this. only 4 more blessed days whoooo hooooo

is there a new new deal?

new PT today - i'm just a teeny tiny owwie. tell ya what - this will likely result in some weight loss.
course i'll probably be a full fledged addict by then but hey, ya got to give a little . . . :)

i read an article about new companies that are popping up that activate informing your online communities when you die. weird huh? i mean, it makes sense. it's a little creepy to see your dead friend every day.

you should read this http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/16/AR2009031602961.html
and really what the hell did they think was going to happen?
personally, i'm just happy to see the american people finally getting angry at those that are making money hand over fist instead of blaming everything on the poor or the minorities or the penultimate of all evils - poor minorities.

carl is drinking champagne out of a sippy cup.

i have got to stop clenching my jaw.

must make phone calls tomorrow!!

Being the slayer made me different. But it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me, and I just slip away

life with a three year old - and other nonesense

i go in to get him this morning and he has (through the bars of his crib) taken the top off the humidifier. when i ask him why he has done this he holds up his hands and says "i washed my hands; i have to have clean hands" i mean, really, what could i say.

he goes into the front room (where the aforementioned renovations are taking place) and i hear
"out
out please
this is where auntie em (carl just wanted him to have an auntie em) is working
um excuse me, i don't think you are listening to me
can you please leave the room
thank you madison"

course it wasn't madison cuz madison was right in front of me. i find it odd that he has such a hard time differentiating amongst the cats but then up until like 6 months ago i don't think he really knew that they existed.

so after breakfast - bowl of cheerios; apple; banana; pancake (WTF?) - he picks up the axle with one wheel on it that he brought in last night. don't ask me where it came from, as always, ask the father. and he is using it as a wand. and turning everything into, for some unknown reason, carrots. me, his father, himself and then the wand. i was tempted to explain to him that if he turned the wand into a carrot he couldn't keep turning everything into carrots but i refrained. why mess with what already seems to be an interweb of gobbledy gook.

then he decides he wants to go out and he realizes he needs a hat and a coat to do that. which he gets and wants to put on with his onesie. i had to mention that pants, shirts, socks those kinds of things were also helpful. you can blame it on his age but there is at least a fifty fifty shot that it is just his father's genes coming through. not that carl goes out in his onesie - well, not every day anyway.

today we are dinosaurs. well, carl and i are - malachai is still a sheep. he and his father- oh, i'm sorry barney the tysanatsautus rex and the 'white headed sheep' just went out to play. on his way out he said "my momma is a pink triceratops"

alright -i'm audi5 baby. ya think it's weird that i have a thing for the freecreditreport.com guy? just a little one.

just relax . . . and take your pants off

addendum

HA! as i said i'm watching religulous - i have found someone else. bill maher was also confused about santa and jesus AND MORE IMPORTANTLY was PISSED at his parent's when he found out santa wasn't real. so at least there are two of us freaks

it's random thought day

my uncle and aunt live in south carolina - brother and sister not married. here's what's pretty damned funny - they are both transplants from boston living in a tiny town in SC and they don't speak. gotta love the irish. they aren't angry with each other they just don't speak.

but that isn't my point. so we go down and visit one year. the year after my grandmother died; the year before i broke my leg. my uncles girlfriend at the time and i are talking one day and she is like "oh, well, you know i'm bad - sometimes i'm going to store or kfc . . . or like that . . . i won't even put on makeup" i thought of that because there was a woman who almost killed me on the road while applying makeup. she was from virginia. believe me i'm not saying it's only southerners. it just made me think of the story. i mean, okay, so in her world she thinks it's a huge deal but she's saying this in a nice restaurant where we are out for dinner and drinks all dressed up. and she is saying this to my completely unmade face. because really if makeup lasted that long i could use a tube of mascara for the rest of my life.

i wonder if that will change for me. i must admit i think i am starting to look a little old though everyone else seems to insist otherwise. for which i am greatful. and oh, btw, how the flock is it that i'm almost 40?? so weird. i really don't feel it.

so - - the day started with high ambition but then the father in law showed up; there was laundry and sleepy icky feelings; an overtired little boy who just minutes ago took off his diaper and peed in his crib. what i've realized - this isn't about the peeing. he just wants to play with his penis. so i put him to bed in a onesie. i'm hoping that he can't unsnap it.

i'm watching religulous. so far i like it.

he's asking good questions. although he asks one that i hope someone is smart enough to answer. why is faith a good thing? believing in something you can't prove. i have an answer for that though i will probably have to follow up on it later cuz i don't have coherent thought right now. the point is that believing in something you can't prove gives you hope and strength . . . that is if your belief isn't self serving. the problem is people corrupt the idea. crap. i'mnot making any damned sense. i'll come back to this.

okay - you kids be good. and as my uncle's ex might say

what kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse? and doesn't even pack lipstick?

itty bitty blog

went out with a long time friend tonight for beer and darts. awesome , awesome. i think he still has a little thing for me which i find bizarre because his wife has such a kick ass figure. i guess i really don't get guys after all.

in other news - the head of our dojo, norman armstrong died. http://tenchikenpo.org/history.html


and here's somethign to cheer you up :)

as i was saying

day before yesterday my friend told me that i hadn't changed a bit. it was meant as a compliment but needless to say . . . it isn't my friend. i don't assume she has ill intention. i just think of who i used to be . . blech. but then i'm never satisfied.. that's not to say i don't like myself at all. i know that's what it sounds like - it's like i'm working on a painting that i like but just can't quite get right.

oh and by the way - combine that with the fact that honestly i'm not big on telling people what i'm feeling. if you know me than it probably seems like i am but that's just because i don't mind talking about things that a lot of people do not want to say. but by and large they are things that don't make me feel particularly vulnerable.

i have a new crush - i really don't want to start watching NCIS but . . .i mean; COME ON!



i was in the area and thought you might like to go out for coffee...or food...or kisses and gay love

bring on the ayn rand

fucking crazy people. there is this movement 'going john galt'. the idea is from ayn rand's novel atlas shrugged in which the government was taking money from those that worked and giving it to the lazy and inept. so the hard workers stopped working and formed their own countries. listen kids - i've pointed out the hard dollars before this but let's talk about the philosophy. yes, if people are just sitting on their asses why should you have to take care of them. EXCEPT - we are now at a place where over 50% of the homeless are families who were living paycheck to paycheck and miss one paycheck . . . then there is the fact that often working doesn't pay as well. the guy who cleans our office and does the maintenance works from 7am or so until about 6 then he leaves and goes to his second job. are you really tryikng to tellme that the guy who works on the third floor estimating jobs works harder than him and therefore deserves to pay less in taxes. wtf. i wish we would just go with a flat tax. also, while other people are not entirely your concern there is a selfish side to watching out for your fellow citizens. better education = lowered crime rate. i know, i know - crime just happens because people are evil. but i guess if it weren't for all the illegals. if i get one more damned email telling me that congress is about to vote to give illegals social security money. listen up mofos; the vote was in may 2006 and what it actually was for was to prevent people who became legalized from collecting the money they had already contributed. yeah, cuz that's the part people like to ignore. MOST illegal aliens pay money into social security that then goes to us. they get fact social security numbers in order to get a job and every job pays into social security but they won't ever be able to collect that money. also, this whole - go along with us and the way we are blah blah. well, that's true to an extent but the united states is supposed to be a melting pot. that means that you don't ask the fucking chocolate to become vanilla - the chocolate and the vanilla mix together. i know, that's a bad example but i'm running out of steam. i could do a full on rant about any one of these subjects but i'm gonna try really hard to not bring these things up again. or at least not too often. i am trying to enjoy a tiny itty bitty modicum of hope and ride the wave and see what happens over the next year or so and try too ignore the fatasses of the world and their john galt bullshit.

shhhweewww - anyway, i was thinking today. you know some people have that theory that all situations in your life you are getting something out of? what they usually mean is if you are being fucked with by someone in your life. 'well, obviously she's getting something out of it or she would walk away' my mom is big on this theory. i don't know why i was thinking of it today i just was and i kind of think it's crap. i love my mom but some of her theories seem so off target. i mean, sometimes don't you think people stay in these situations cuz they are trying to do the right thing?? i mean, is that getting something out of it? sure i guess.

the other thing i thought of today - a friend told me i hadn't changed. aigh; more on that tomorrow i guess - 12am!

So do you have plans later? Or are you just going to go down to the docks

, wait for the fleet to come in?

we're winding down

me and the boy made peanut butter cookies today. he had the best time wiht it. cracks me up. so i put two cookies and a bunch of apple slices on a plate for him. he ate all the apple slices first. i didn't say a word to him about it. how frickin cute is taht?

emily is coming thursday to do our front bedroom which means i have to clean out that room. aigh. i really want to be doing . . . um . . nothing.

i have to look into having our house painted too. this winter has done a number on the house. after the last storm i hung out my window and beat the ice off the side of the house. god, i hate winter.

so a long time ago in god's taint (you will remember gentle reader that is my phrase for KC, MO) i had a weird unbidden vision of a hindu goddess that i never did identify until a few weeks ago as durga. the mother goddess. so i was looking at various pictures of her. in some she has a pierced nose. so that sent me to look up the history of nose piercing. i remember when i pierced mine i had a feeling like 'that belonged there all along' i didn't have the same feeling withmy navel ring. though i love my navel ring. anyway, first of all as i typed into google "history of nose piercing" one of the options that popped up was 'history of nose picking'. say what? yep. with 315k links. one of which enlightened me to the fact that there is an actual name for compulsive nose picking. but i WAY SO MUCH digress - back to the piercing. in india, nose piercing is thought to make child birth easier. weird huh?

so the new PT starts tomorrow. the stretches have already been kicking my ass but i actually think they might already be working. which is surprising. course, doing the exercises every day is probably helpful.

earth is the only planet not name after a pagan god. why do you suppose that is?

damn right i'm impure - i'm as impure as the driven yellow snow.

freaking jaw - here we go again!

urbandictionary.com and snopes.com . . . learn em, live em and love em.

i have NOTHING in my brain. so i'll tell you a funny story - okay - it was funny; honest but after i typed it out i realized just how much you had to be there. the punch line is 'hot lunch'.

lately i live in a very strange place in my brain. i know; that statement in and of itself is strange. it's just that disjointed feeling again. maybe i just need to sleep more.

my son can not accept that it can be cold and dark at the same time. he will tell me that it's not cold - it's dark. meathead.

why the hell am i not sleeping. in general i mean. and you know what - they really need to invent teleporting cuz there are tooo many damned places i want to go.

oh, here's more good news - http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/09/AR2009030903156.html

i think eventually they are going to have to iron out some details about restrictions but "YAY! for science!!"

Military people don't make out with science people.

Maybe that's what's wrong with the world. You ever think about that?

that was barely a weekend

going to a frickin' business meeting on saturday kinda ruins the whole thing. bah.

i have been doing the stretches the new PT gave me and i have to say they are already kicking my ass. i mean good hurt but hurt nonetheless. i believe i'm gonna come out of this stronger. and my mouth has mostly stopped hurting - at least in the all-the-time sense. course i did take a nap today without my mouthguard. not smart.now if i could just figure out what the deal is lately with my skin - well, that and the neverending fight against fatassedness.

so let's see - things in the noggin - don't want to go back to work - really AT ALL!! but particularly tomorrow. i just need one more day. i keep forgetting to call people until it's too damned late at night to do so - stepmother; cathy; adam . . .

i really need to write serena a letter.

i've recently done something uncharacteristic and wrong and am wrestling over whether or not to just let it ride or not. for the moment i'm opting for the let it ride. i almost never let anything ride. and let's face it - getting things off your chest is usually far more selfish than altruistic.

i made an awesome pork curry tonight.

i don't understand people who aren't curious. carl's eye doctor (i say eye doctor because because i don't know if it's an opthamologist or an optometrist) asked him to hold on to the vials his contact solution comes in after they're empty. he never asked why. why wouldn't you ask why??

2 weeks - 2 tiny little weeks until the pogues. yay yay yay!!

que - how's that for non sequiturs.

o goddess and anthony - i have to call anthony - dammit.

k - kids - kisses

TTFN
TTFN? What's TTFN?
It's "ta ta for now." It's what Tigger says when he leaves.

blechity blech

it feels much later than it is which is because i wasted my day at a stupid meeting and then had a lot of beer. well, a lot for me these days.

i also had someone tell me just how much they respect me and how much my opinion matters to them. believe me; i dont' take that lightly. i'm often flabbergasted at how many people hold me to such a level of respect. but on the other hand . . . why then can't i find a shoulder when i need one. and why do i have the increasingly and overwhelming feeling that i will spend my life drifting from connection to connection and find none lasting. i am unanchored. i'm not really seeking to change that. i'm seeking to change my reaction to that. i mean i'm not sure what it is i think i'm missing.

so yeah, yesterday, i had two encounters with the stupidity of bureacracy. first, i'm at this clinic type place seeing a new gynecologist. they didn't tell me to get there early. i mean sure i figured i would have to fillout a sheet of paper but really it was a half an hour to check in. seems like an imporatnant thing to mention. so i tell the woman i forgot my card but i have all the information for you. she says. we can't enter it without the card. i said - i can have a copy of someone else card faxed; the only th ing that is different is the subscriber number. she points to the number i have written in next to "SS#" - 'is this your subscriber number' she says. i said ' no; that's my social security number - this is my subscriber number' and i point to the number on the line next to "policy #". 'o' she says 'well, i still can't fill it out without the card. i say what is on the card that i have n't given you ; no, but we need the card. o m g - so i say; fine, we aren't getting anywhere - i will bring the card next time. so she continues entering my information. a few minutes later as she's typing she starts to explain again / i interrupt her and say " really, please don't - i don't understand your point and i'm not going to and you clearly don't know what i am talking about so i'm sick of going around and around - i'll bring the card next time. the overflow of stupidity on planet earth is well, astonishing.

so the name i got in the meditation the other night was the name of my dead shamanism teacher - ramona. ramona means protecting, wise hands. and as an added little bit - her last name was lapidas which means gravestone. so all of that fits pretty well i guess. still freaking hate the name ramona. and as i said before it is gideon's sister's name. i could live without that too but nothing else came to me so . . . i suppose i could redo the meditation to confirm.

alright - that's it - i'm pretty sleepy and frankly i think this is fairly coherent considering i'm a bit squiffafied.

I have no speech, no name. I live in the action of death. The blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction, absolute, alone.

stupid stupid stupid

so i just forgot. i mean i remembered until i got distracted. good distraction what can i say.

i actually had things to tell you. like yesterday was the 22nd anniversary of the first time i had sex. i don't often think about that. it isn't like it is something that i celebrate ever year. i just had a doctor's appointment and she asked how long i had been having sex and then later on in the car i was thinking about gideon (it's worse in the car) and my mind did that little free float association thing where of the five million things floating around in my head at any given time there is a connection between two or more. happens to me all the time. that's really where the strength of my memory lies. it's not linear. it's finding associations.

but whatever.

i also have a whole speel about my two interactions with the stupidity of healthcare and providers and insurance but that will have to wait because it is is 7:35 and have to go to that stupid business meeting my company holds every year on a saturday. blecch.

sorry again. (hangs head) i have done a very very bad thing

Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

if you must write prose and poems the words you use should be your own

i don't know why but today was a total smith's kindaday.

i went to my new PT place. made all sorts of damned sense i have to say. so they are going to totally work the crap out of me for the next six weeks but i am quite hopeful. i found out something about dehydration that i didn't know. when you don't drink enough water and dehydrate your body - the first place your body seeks liquid is from your muscles. somehow that seems so much more compelling than what i already understood about organs and skin.

ken starr is getting on my nerves again. in the wake of prop 8 he wants to forcibly divorce the 18k or so couples that got married before california lost their damned minds. aigh. why won't people see - it doesn't matter how you feel about things. you can not vote on other people's rights. period. the abortion argument is the same. until they can figure out a way to remove the embryo/fetus/child and have someone else care for it you can't tell anyone what to do with their body. so if you disagree with gay marriage or abortion - convince people / sway them to your side by all means.

anyway - ifyou agree with me about the gay marriage thing you can go here
Tell Ken Starr that divorcing parents to protect children is absurd and malicious.

i only wish they had a "tell ken starrr that he is absurd and malicious." which i would have said even before this latest stunt.

so i stopped writing abou tgideon cuz i felt it was overwhelming and depressing. now i sit to write about it and i am so very reluctant to share it; to give it away. fear of further loss or fear of healing.

Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been
Going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart

you will get nothing out of me - NOTHING i say

please read the title in a german accent ala mchale's navy. and if you don't remember mchale's navy . .. . please humor me.

anyway, again i tried to post on my phone and again no joy. so know that this is the extent of my dedication i just got my ass out of bed and came back downstairs to type my blog. and it is waaaay effing late. why didn't i do it before. blame it on the moon (moon is my code name for flexeril). no, really, it doesn't knock me out but it did make me a little spacey. plus i was hunting through my photos for a certain picture of me, scottie and chris that this girl i know wants to possibly use in a show. so yes, i am loyal.

OTOH - i have my new PT in the morning which i have beena ssured is basically an ass kickig session and i have to be up early for it so . . . SEE YA

i did find the most wonderful website http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/buffy/quotes/index.shtml

there's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie jeebies
There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies.'

There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies.'

omissions

thank you guys for your (once again) cheerleading. the title is a response to scooter's comment in particular. it got me to thinking about everything that i am and do hold back when i write this blog. not really a lead in to me revealing anything deep and dark. maybe later.

tonight was our 'name find / chord color find' meditation. i hate the name and not crazy abou tthe colors. the colors are effing xmas - white; red and green. the name i am holding off on because i'm supposed to see if it takes or if it evolves. what i mean is - for instance - mine was the name of my shamanism teacher who died but was it because she appeared to me and should it be her name or her spirit animal - - - that kind of thing - you are supposed to sleep on it a little. but i hate the name - oh, and it's gideon's sister's name too whooohooo

song on my mind


lyric on my mind:
. . and everything you gave to me changed everything i used to be much more than anyone i ever knew

but i have long shiny hair - yay!

i have to say - i'm extraordinarily disconnected as of late. there's nothing to bring this more to your own attention than looking into your child's eyes. i'm not coming down on myself. it's more just bizarre - it's like i'm not really here.

i think the word you're searching for is absent.

well it's about frickin time

i saw my first dating site commercial featuring a gay couple that wasn't a "for gays only" site. YAY!!

kim is very correct - i am wasting good drugs on actual pain!! dammit. dammit.

but the interesting thing is that i think this jaw thing is the explanation for a number of issues. so let's see my jaw is sending pain into my mouth, head, neck back and arm and my ankle is sending pain into my foot, legs and hips. whoo hooo - ya, know you're jealous.

so i figured out why my blogs have been sucking on and off for a few weeks now. unless i am talking with someone else when i pause to take a tour of my brain i find it is full of either the things i need to do and they are nearly endless OR things that are bothering me that i spend a great deal of time suppressing. i'm not exactly sure what to do about that - just mentioning it.

the first step is admitting it, right? hi, i'm cassandra, and i am boring.

Psychologically this is fascinating, doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? ...Just me then.

what a good boy am i . . . or girl . .. whatever

i read / sang him all of puff the magic dragon without choking up once. and now he is upstairs singing it to himself.

i'm hoping for enough snow to justify working from home tomorrow. they already closed the school system and i just don't understand when the whole world changed. when i tell you that we used to go school in blizzards i truly am not exaggerating the point.

so; my poor little boy had quite a rough day today. he already had a little bit of a cold. so they went out to play - i subscribe to the theory that fresh air is better for a cold then being trapped in warm air - so he comes in and slips and falls and hits his face against the wheel of the stroller tire. big bruise. so because of that and the cold/slight fever i decide to give him ibuprofen. usually i give it to him in a syringe. i couldn't find a clean one so i got a measuring spoon. well, we don't give him meds often and somewhere along the way i must have gotten it mixed up in my head and thought that 5mL = tbsp. it doesn't it = tsp . . . notice the absence of a B in there. i ffffffaaaaaaaareeaked. i mean i was pretty certain that it wasn't the kind of overdose that would be life threatening but still. well, turns out that it's fine but still. fortunately, he seems to have inherited his mother's processing of pain meds. last night i took 2 of the flexeril and couldn't sleep for hours and on a triple dose of ibuprofen he bounced of the walls for like 2 hours. course, at least this didn't happen to him:



so THEN; later; we are in my room and he starts to jump and i say . . . and then SMASH - - face into the head board. big old bloody nose and ssssAAwoeLEN. we opted out of giving him more meds ;)

so i think i've told you he calls us things. for a while he was a pig, i was a bear and carl was a bug. then he was puff the dragon; carl was tuff the dragon and i was 'mr. fire' - don't ask me i dont' have a clue. well lately he is a red car; carl is dump truck and i am a "murdercycle". i find it a little freaky.

i had a dream that i let him go out our backyard but not really our back yard and down this hill nearly a block away and then had to run after him before he ran into the street and people were yelling at me. nothing more comforting than the "i'm a bad mother dream"

i had my mom over for her birthday dinner last night. we had a grand marnier cake. mmmmm and i don't really gie a fig about cake as a rule but it is just THE BEST. actually had a second piece today.

i've started to re-order my mind. adjust to the new and different reality. well, sometimes i'm doing that . . . sometimes i'm just trying to put off the dealing cuz . . .


i can't think about this - it doesn't fit in my head.