it's 4.23am - do you know where your brain is

so i don't sleep anymore. 5 hours at a shot . . . decreasing by the day, i think it started at 6. tonight i probably slept about 4 and a half or so before awakening. usually it is just that i go to bed so late and then have to get up for work. at this point i guess i have trained my body to only sleep about 5 hours because i went to sleep at around 11 or so and then pop 3.37am my eyes were wide motherfucking open

it all started as part of my ongoing quest for organization in this house. a process that is like a very deep layer of therapy for me so i may write about later but for now let me say that is going *extraordinarily* well, better than i could have hoped. AND i have my altar / meditation / all things witchcraft; yogic; martial arts room finally!!

but i digress - which is a serious side effect of not sleeping. the more you don't sleep . . . or should that be the less you sleep . . .hmmm . . . either way it effs you up. when you're tired. you're just that - your ass is dragging and you could use a nap. when you are sleep deprived well my friend just duck and weave when you see the white coats and butterfly nets coming your way. i suppose taking a variety of drugs / b vitamins etc doesn't help but . . . yeah, um, it's like your eyes are suddenly a cheap ass digital camera and you can see huge pixelation and sometimes the pixels move around despite the fact that the object you are looking at is, as a whole, still.

and then there is what comes out of your mouth. all editing abilities are out the window. i don't mean the ones that keep you from telling that oxygen thief in the office that s/he is a worthless piece of donkey poop. i'm talking about the one that keeps your subconscious thoughts in one neat little corner of your brain and prevents it from mingling with all the other thoughts in your head. not necessarily the deep dark stuff - just random things ya know where the dream that you were (OMG - how the fuck do you spell ladel??) ladling (thank you dictionary.com) chocolate out the window of a high rise and then the chocolate turned into ducklings and you realized you were killing them cuz they couldn't fly - - - ya, that starts to get entwined with the piece of your brain that reminds you to pay bills. i'm not saying that i have yet started paying ducks blood money for the senseless death of their offspring nor am i saying that i've tried paying my mortgage in chocolate. for now i'm just pointing out that there is a reason that those two pieces of the brain don't interface on a constant basis. actually there are probably many reasons but at least one of them is that little bits of chocolate ducks start finding their way into your conversations. you start telling people things that you aren't even sure you connect with let alone should be telling the biznitty in the next office.

okay - there's more but after about 2 hours of dicking around on the puter i think i may actually be able to eke out another hour or so of sleep, see if i can't use my magic fairy army to save some ducklings. otherwise i'm effed . . . ever try to break bad news to a duck?