i woke up this morning vaguely content and irritated at the same time. lay in bed letting my body wake up first. feel of poofy comforter - check; roll head off flannel pillow to cool cotton - check; push hair out of face - check. all the while letting my consciousness bubble up. no need to go shaking it by the shoulders. as i said, i'm vaguely content but also a little irritated and i'd like to try to end up on the sunny side of this equation. my eyes open - i feel good; scratchy throat haven't been drinking enough water but overall pretty good. what was the irritation i wonder. oh, right, i've had another dream about him. and the dream itself was only mildly irritating. but then that's the way our time together often was - lots of love but mildly irritating. but the irritation comes from having to remember he's dead. to have linked and spoken with him - spent time together in my brain only to have to tell myself he's dead. if i repeated any other phrase as often as i have said "gideon is dead" in the last few months it would become meaningless. no such luck.
in the dream we were getting ready to go; i was driving - a motorcycle. that piece didn't even hit me until a full half hour later.
3 comments:
I'm sorry Gideon is gone. I'm more sorry you are having trouble making peace with the idea. I hope soon the hurt will lessen for you.
I feel the same way that Kimber does. I hope that by writing all of this it will help you. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.
thank you both. it actually makes me feel a little guilty that people keep having to console me. but it does help to write about it. and i imagine there will be more to come. if you don't say anything - i'll remember that you put your hand out here. thanks so much. it means more than you might think.
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