a whole new level of angry

dealing with some assclown at work. which of course it isn't him. i mean, it is in fact him - guy redefines douchebag. my own personal theory is that if you are going to be a dick you shouldn't have the audacity to be stupid at the same time. but whatever, the point is that of course i wouldn't be seething if not for the fact that he is the tiny tip of my iceberg.

with the exception of my son who is so much more and better than i deserve - the rest of my life seems to fall into varying degrees of not at all what should be happening.

now i'm a big believer in the idea that somehow or another it's my own damned fault but i can't figure that out for the life of me. at the moment i am just really tired of this feeling of either being kicked around or taken for granted - i suppose there isn't much difference. but i understand that position is not going to aid in resolving anything. so i think maybe i will hit the bag a little and cry a bit - perhaps not in that order and then we'll see. i have avoided spending too much time on this because i have begun to see it as futile but i suppose i'm gonna have to spend a little time with the question.

i don't think the whole neck, head, ear, runny nose thing is helping any.

it's swine flu!! okay not really

i think i'm getting a cold. my throat is scratchy. i'm tired. even more ridculously so than just pregnancy tired. crap.

all of which has me going to bed again when i really have far too much to do to be going to sleep.

a census worker was killed in kentucky - oh, excuse me, according to foxnews he might not have been killed. he was found hanging from a tree with the word fed scrawled into his chest (and we don't know with what) and according to them it could be a suicide. makes perfect sense to me. there is a faction of the anti-obamists that are truly fucking dangerous. there is another woman who is urging everyone to stock up on weapons and ammunition. course the right is heralding her as a hero. never mind the fact that she began this campaign under the bush administration. the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

i really thought that this whole feeling of revolution would have happened under bush.

oh cucka - it's in my ears now.

ucky

i feel really sick - i'm going to lie down

i wish i was one of those people who didn't question myself. i know people say all the time that it's not a good thing - that self analysis is respectable. questioning yourself is integrity blah blah blah. i don't care about that. i would like peace of mind. i would like to know i'm right even if i'm not. and i know that isn't great for people around you but you know what the only one that you are stuck with forever is you. plus the truth is we should be drawn to those who are more considerate but the psychology of it doesn't pan out that way.

i'm watching lie to me - based on a real guy who can tell if you're lying. here's the question - can you tell if someone is lying like they are telling the truth or they have doubts. like let's say they ask do you love so and so - do they read the truth or what you think is the truth. perhaps you really do love the person despite your doubts. see what i'm getting at?

rain is pouring pouring pouring - love the sound - as long as i don't have to go out into it. it's definitely good to sleep to though :)

and how was your weekend

i don't really want to know.

yardsale. that wasn't as successful as it could have been. but -it's all out of the house. well, wave one - i had run out of places to even move stuff so in the next couple of months i'm gonna have to really dig into shit and chuck it all. the whole damned house - grrrrr. do over. but one thing at a time. next weekend we move the boys bedroom to the front room. well, we are going to do the painting anyway. i'm curious to see how he takes to the move.

yesterday was a lot of work i have to say - i never stopped moving. today hurt less than i thought it would but last night i thought my body was going to fall apart. i did take a bath last night and this morning though so i suppose that helped. really my foot is throbbing and that's about the worst of it. i have a massage scheduled for tomorrow. whooohooo. i have very high hopes for that massage. i hope that i am not disappointed.

did i mention how much i love peaches now. i've had three today i think and i'm gonna go get another one. now the real question is should i go to sleep or try to push a little more work out of today. the smart thing to do is go to bed i think.

today was the first day of my third trimester which means i have a lot to do and i need to stop drinking caffeine and eating poopy and stuff. ugh. i suppose i should also start believing that this is going to happen. and somehow i'm going to have to do that without freaking out.

i'll let ya know how that turns out.

the meaning of life

feet throb - heat throb - up for 18 hours after 4 hours of sleep - epsom salt bath and ice cream - reconnected with a friend from years ago - sold some crap - got rid of a ton of it -

so i'm trying to remember now that i feel . . . very small and insecure / how amazingly unlikely is my birth

miles to go before i zzzzzzzzz

tomorrow is the big yard sale - i feel like i still have a million things to do. i keep trying to remind myself that it is probably inconsequential whether they all get done. sorta trying to remind myself of that in general. i keep thinking that there is going to be a magic bullet. for example, with this yard sale like i am magically going to get rid of all the crap that is in this house. i am trying to learn to content myself with baby steps. the attempt to wait until i am able to 'do it all' is what has me in a position that is sooooooo far behind. le sigh.

kristen will be here in the morning. nothing like reconnecting all these years later over a yard sale :)

okay- more to do - more to do

this video creeped me out a little as a kid

night night

no really- won't someone please please watch chiller

anyway, you can now see the baby move from the outside of the belly. and s/he never seems to stop moving. i wish there was a less clinical word that said fetus. baby and fetus both sound a little off. anyway, i am ENORMOUS. 12 weeks left? i seriously don't think i could get any bigger.

we're having the yard sale this weekend. and we advertised i guess it worked because some batshit crazy woman came to my house today. banged the shit out of my door. i was sleeping on the couch. when i first heard the knock i thought it was carl and malachai and i just kept sleeping. BANG BANG - so now i still think it's them and that they need something i get up - the inside door was open outside one closed and it's this freaky woman. long story short - she wants e to tell her what we have; then she wants to come in my house to which i said no; she wants me to bring stuff out to show her - um, no; she wwants to look in our garage - taht one i left her although she just looked in throught the windows not actually opening it. on the lean-to side. the other side is an actual garage with tall doors and it was all closed up and she says 'what abou there; what's in here' ; we have this weird thing on our porch that is carl's. it's like a reindeer kind of but some sort of swedish motif or whatever. so while we are talking on my porch she says - what's this are you selling this. seriously effed. she plans oncoming back tomorrow. she frightened me. but carl will be working from home tomorrow-0 he candeal with her.

i could use somec hocolatedfs

sometimes naps are a bad idea

i took one - it was supposed to be an hour. it was more like three. now i don't know when sleep might come. it's all the more difficult because i am watching the train wreck that is the chiller channel. it is seriously the craziest thing ever. i may never watch anything else again.

tomorrow is going to be a chore. which sorta seems like a way of life these days. with no end in sight. i just want a do over

i watched the premiere of modern family tonight. it was interesting funny in a lsow burn funny way. but i don't anticipate losing a lot of time trying to make sure that i catch it every week or anything.

i'm really trying to make efforts to reconnect with people. i want more human contact, especially in the going out / hanging out variety but i so rarely keep in contact with people that that will actually happen. but there are a couple of friends that might come by while we are having our yard sale this weekend. i really hope so - they are all people i wold really like to see and haven't for a while- a while ranging from a few weeks to nearly 15 years (and in between) speaking of the yard sale. i am already daunted by how much stuff we are going to have left IN the house - UCK!! at least we'll get rid of something - nearly enough to fill a small house YIKES!! when i say do over - personally, i'd like to just chuck everything and start over. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

one horrible moment at a time - so now i'll go to sleep and prepare for the horror that is tomorrow :)

no really

i've had enough

my leg already hurt and then i fell in sort of a split ; there are many other pains but i'll save you the laundry list; i'm literally starting to drown under the weight of what i have to do and how far behind i am.

do ya'll have chiller - it's like syfy's leftovers. yeah, so the stuff that is too bizarre for syfy - ya see where i'm coming from.

yard sale part two this weekend. i still don't thik i'm going to be able to get rid of everything. just won't be able to round it all up in time. i would like to just get rid of the whole house.

when you ask my son what "kind" something is and he doens't know the answer he says 'marshmelon'. he's never had marshmallows. i have no fricking idea what hte kid is talking about half the time. and his new word is yokodama - which apparently is part of some video game but i can assure you that is not where he got it.

judging by this movie - chad lowe seriously pissed someone off at some point. start around 4 minutes

september 21

no gestational diabetes - i guess; i passed the test but my initial number was high. whatever the hell that all means

i was there forever so it is now tomorrow morning and i am still awake - doing work. have to stop though and sleep. almost fallen asleep twice on the puter.

- a year ago today i lost the one person i didn't think i could lose to any circumstance; i loved him from the time i was fifteen to this very heart beat. came across this today. if i believed that would be great but there are parts that stuck out to me anyway:

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!



Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918

my headache has a headache

you should go here and look at this because he rocks http://billknottpoetry.blogspot.com/

in 30 minutes i can have nothing but water for the following 12 hours. i don't want to take this stupid test

we found a horseshoe crab on the beach a while ago. we brought it home for the kid. he calls it his porchoo crab. he does not understand the phrase - are you sure? he has lately taken to saying 'so, i don't know what to tell you'. he tells me he loves me spontaneously every day. he still says "aminals" hmmmm - this is all sorta self serving - - i do this i don't have to write a diary of what the kid does. :) for the last couple of weeks he crawls into bed with me in the morning. he's so damned affectionate. sigh. he's gonna be so sad when this baby gets here.

i guess i should go to bed so i can try to be a good mommy tomorrow.

ya - i didn't pee enough as it was

this kid is trampling my bladder

what the hell is with syfy and deformed hill people and abducting tourists to do weird sex things with them. they've had a run on movie about such things all day. the poor appalachian peoples

i wasted today. eight gazillion things must happen tomorrow

then there's monday - oh monday's gonna suck

yowza

i actually went out tonight. like a grown up and stuff.

i had shots put in my hips today. hopefully it helps. it seems to have started helping a little already actually

this child never stops moving

i threw up tonight - i hate that

we are never going to come up with a name for this kid.

limits and limitlessness

the hip is really aggravating me. tomorrow i get cracked and then they stick a giant needle in my hip full of lidocaine. and i have so much work tomorrow. uck. i just need tomorrow to be over.

i'm feeling increasingly worried about childcare for my kids. hehe kids.

the 21st is creeping up on me and i'd say it was making me sadder but i don't think i ever felt less sad. the tattoo - i'm thinking maybe the 25th is smarter anyway - that was when i found out. i suppose it's gotten a little better. i've gotten used to the idea that when my mind reaches out - there's no him there; no connection. i've almost completely stopped reaching out. old habits and all i guess. i've nearly come to grips with the idea that alone is alone. it was bad timing anyway; i was already at a crisis of faith in terms of relationships of all kinds.

we were kinetic. we were connected. there are so many things that i know why they end. there are more things that i don't understand why they won't end. but then it doesn't really make a fuck of difference what i understand and what i don't, huh?

yes, the video itself is silly

because there's just been way too much good news

so i got my glucose screening back and it was elevated so i have to take the three hour test. so whoopi doo i could have gestational diabetes too. rock and roll!! "The good news is that most women whose screening test shows elevated blood sugar don't turn out to have gestational diabetes." but these days i don't put a huge amount of stock in good news i'm sorry to say.

OH and they want me to take the H1N1 vaccine so i'm caught between the fact that i don't trust the vaccine and i do trust my doctor. le sigh.

when i tell you that i hate two of my cats i suppose that sounds cruel and maybe even a bit creepy to you. but what's really creepy is that one of them sits a foot and a half from me and just watches me. she can and will do this for as long as it takes for me to get up and then she will follow me wherever i head in the house and then right back. and that doesn't even count when she literally paces me step for step around the kitchen as i cook. so really, the fact that i haven't staple gunned her to the floor or duct taped her to the wall . .. . makes me a damn fine human

oh, the joys of hormones

i had a dark moment of the soul tonight. carl went to visit elliott. i took my son out to eat and we went for ice cream afterwards. as i watched him shovel strawberry ice cream into his mouth - i was sorry that i brought him into this world. not sorry to have him here - he is literally the very epitome of light and love. people that aren't us have said that about him. reminding myself how lucky i was to have him here just made me feel guiltier. then i went trifecta on myself when i realized that with thoughts like that i wasn't going to be able to teach him to have a joy for life.

as you can see it's been a rough day and since, like a night of drunken debauchery i will tomorrow regret having told you that - i don't really feel bad leaving it at that.

the very embodiment of boredom

yeah, i went to the doctor today - turns out i'm not carrying a 15 pound baby. which i suppose is a good and bad thing at the same time. i mean - i have to deliver this baby but on the other hand i have no explanation for the other mmmmphh pounds i gained.

the internet is a very bad thing. there are more people with opinions than facts. i just got done reading a post about breastfeeding - which i advocate - that made the statement - "its what most women used to do and we didn't have the childhood diseases and learning disabilities" the fact is - it ISN'T what most women used to do. well, depending on how far back you want to go. but starting around 1900 a majority of women formula fed - some using commercial and some a homemade concoction. by the 70s about 75% of women formula fed and the majority of them used commercial formula. i love to prove my point too particularly when i really believe in something but using half facts or things that sound like facts to make you point is lazy and disingenuous.

i go to see my boyfriend tomorrow - the tmj doctor. he's so dreamy.

baby news

so tomorrow i go in and have an ultrasound and they "weigh" the baby. course if the baby weighs anything short of 15 pounds i'm not sure i want to hear it. i assume they will look for downs markers again. okay there's other crap i'm worried about but eh

then afterwards i get to do like a week's worth of work in a day or two. le sigh.

i guess this tattoo plan isn't going to come through. not in time anyway. i was supposed to go there and i just never made it there. it's been a rough few months in terms of - well, many things - especially getting stuff done.

i did manage to get some stuff done today but nothing like i should have.

i suppose i should go to bed.

maybe i'll have a peach first. i've only had three of them today.

disappointed

an anti-choice protester was killed yesterday. as you well know i am vehemently pro-choice but this does not mean i think the opposition should be silenced and under no circumstances harmed. at present it seems this person was not even particularly pro-choice. he also killed a gravel pit owner and was on his way to kill another guy when he was caught. he was offended by the graphic images being displayed in front of a school. why he couldn't file a complaint with the police or counterdemonstrate or petition the school . . . ?

i was disappointed in reuters who apparently just reprinted randall terry's article as their own and therefore included this little tidbit: "They will also discuss the Obama Administration's response and the response of the child-killing movement." i don't even feel like discussing the number of things wrong with that statement but it isn't because i disagree with the content that i object. okay, maybe that is part of it. but i just wish that the news would work a little harder at being less opinionated.

i am also disappointed in the pro-choice movements relative silence on the subject. now, unlike some that i have read - i do not find this an apples to apples comparison with the killing of tiller. but it doesn't change the fact that a statement should be made. a strong statement. i have written NARAL on that very subject and left their page on FB. i heard they did issue a statement but it isn't on their website and it damned well should be. if they couldn't do it for decencies sake then they should have done it for political reasons. i am getting more disappointed by the moment.

damn near plagiarism

not really but i'm running out of friggin' titles. anyway, a friend posted on FB today "i'm a child of divorce - i know what i'm talking about". i'm not calling that friend out by name because i'm not calling him out at all. i don't know what the context was or what he was talking about that he was affirming that he knew what he was talking about about (hehe). but it got me to thinking about my own experience of divorce and i am truly running out of shit to talk to - well, stuff i'm willing to.

my parents separated when i was three ; again when i was eleven and finally for good right before i was eighteen. by the time i was sixteen i sat them each down separately and begged them to divorce. i don't remember much about my reaction at three. but at eleven - the first two months were hard. especially since the way it happened was i came home from two weeks at overnight camp - we drove four hours with the two of them losing their shit at each other; got home and he went upstairs and packed and left. little blindsided. but after the initial shock - it was actually pretty good. it was hard on my mom and of course i was with her more so i fought with her more but overall my parents had begun to actually interact with me consistently as opposed to randomly fighting with each other through me. plus there was no more constant screaming in my house. the only thing that really sucked about it was being made fun of by kids in my neighborhood. when my mother started spending sundays with us i was pissed.

now don't get me wrong. we had good times all together as a family - truly and there were some really good years in fact. but eventually . . . like i said by 16 i could see that they were fighting a losing battle. i told them i respected them trying and i knew they cared for each other but that they would never ever work. and if you know my parents then you know that trying to picture them together is like trying to couple chimpanzees and giraffes. seriously. they were dismissive of me and the next two years went into such a full tilt crazypants that i just broke off from them mentally and emotionally for a few years.

also, let me put a foot note here that i love my parents. this isn't about bashing them. my parents are fantastic people. they always tried to talk to me and treat me like a person and with respect. and i'm sure that in part they stayed together for my sake - they felt it was something i deserved. so not one word of this is intended to cast any aspersions on them. they were young and in a trying circumstance with few ideas of how to handle it. but they tried to find the answer and that part is good. they taught me to seek answers. the problem is - they never taught me when to quit. the only way out was for all things to be completely desiccated. and there was no sense that sometimes things just don't work. if it doesn't work; it's because you didn't try hard enough. and it's your fault.

so anyway, the point is (i realize i've lost my coherence) - the general outlook is that divorce is horrible for kids and that anyone who says the opposite is just full of it. now, i agree that you can't walk at the first sign of trouble especially when there are kids involved but at some point you truly are doing them a favor. i promise.

one of the best things that's happened to me in . . .

i got this letter this morning from an old friend. i don't think s/he would object to my sharing it since i'll do so anonymously. i have removed couple of things as an extra safe guard but . . .

"Dear Cassie:

I am so happy to have crossed paths with you again! Interesting how it coincides with my starting another go-round with "The Artist's Way" course. Writing a thank you letter to someone who encouraged me is today's assignment. So there you are.

When you first gave me "The Artist's Way" back in--what '96? '97? I READ it cover-to-cover, but I didn't DO it until 2003. I suspect I was afraid to be held accountable for whatever I'd learn about myself.

As you know, I'm sure, the course changed me in a bunch of subtle ways AND in a few very profound ways. I look forward to the conversations and visits it will take to catch you up on all of that.

At any rate, since then, I have given copies of "The Artist's Way" to several folks--paying it forward, as it were. Most recently, I gave a copy to XXX, which is why I am going through the course again. So far, going through it with someone else is shaping up to be a very different, very intense, very cool experience.

And it is all your fault. How nifty! I will be forever grateful to you for constantly reminding me to look at the world from as many different angles as possible. I'm especially thankful that you thought I could even do it. Certainly none of our other co-workers thought I was anything but a right-wing conservative bitch. I appreciate that you considered it a challenge to poke at that and see what else I was made of, see if you could find any potential there.

Maybe you didn't know that I found that to be so terrific. Often, I bet, you just enjoyed getting a reaction out of me. Well, I almost always enjoyed it, too. I could use more of that in my life, for sure.

Know, too, that I would never have gone back to college without you. Seems silly now, but your help with my admission essay to Lesley was invaluable. Besides your great writing and editing skills, your assumption that I was capable of even being a college student again got me out of my own ridiculous way.

Know that you have gained good karma; stored up some treasure in heaven by me. Thank you!

Peace, "

so yeah, that's - - this morning was pretty upsetting for a number of reasons and then poof! there was this.

is it over yet

representative joe wilson - disgraceful. his site is off line at the moment. if he was a democrat his career would be over . . . we'll see what happens

the rebuttal to the speech was pretty silly too. i understand it has to be written ahead of time but it didnt' address the president's speech at all so it makes me wonder if they really are just talking past each other. i'm so tired of the whole thing. but tomorrow i will wake up reinvigorated and researching info again. and why you ask?? why??? because it's less unpleasant than anything else i have to think about lately - except my little boy of course.

yep

i am seriously burnt out on typing. quite a bit of it about this obama speech because the country is apparently back on the crack pipe. actually speaking of crack - i had an anti-obama person tell me that i should look up marion barry's march on d.c. really? marion barry? i always think of chris rock "we tell kids don't smoke crack you won't be nothing - - - 'i could be mayor'" i'm not going to recount the whole damned thing now because i've kinda had it plus there is the whole everyone is insane thing going on.

i saw my tmj doctor today. i might be in love with him. just because of his working on me - not because of him. although he's a very nice man.

i guess i should go to bed since last night the kid got me up at 12 and again at 1.3 at which point he came to my room to sleep and proceeded to sleep on top of my head for the whole night. his grandparents loaded him up on sugar so i think that was why but just in case thi sis a new trend.

i go back to work tomorrow and i am seriously screwed with how much i have to do.

the one year anniversary of gideon's death is coming up

anyone see summer go by

i can't believe labor day is over. it took me a long time to "get into" summer so to speak this year. which was really stupid of me since my ability to do such a thing is about to be severely compromised. i know; i'm not supposed to look at it that way but i can't help but give quite a bit of pause to the fact that two id not going to travel as well as one.

speaking of the one i got. he had a bad dream i think and i have just spent about an hour in hi bed laying down with him to stave off "monsters" so i have been asleep on a toddler sized daybed for the last hour or so. what i'm trying to tell you - this post should have been a long drawn out make up for lost time post but instead zzzzz

guess it's the month for it

my old sensei is dying. my relationship with him has been broken for years but for carl this is . . . he got cancer maybe a year ago. a little more. i remember being vaguely angry about it when gideon died. not . . . it was like - i was waiting for a death; i was prepared for one; sort of waiting and then gideon was deaad. like waiting for a right hook and get slammed with a left. anyway, sucks for carl; carl has been his student since he was 15. couple of weeks on the outside. very sad.

the belly dweller moves consistently.

good gravy

if you're on my facebook list you know i have been typing all damned day and i'm pretty friggin tired of it.

we are supposed to go to provincetown tomorrow. we'll see. i told my son we were going to do something special and he actually said "i want to do something special at home" haha he was with my mom all week (me part of it) down the cape so i think he's happy to be home. plus we have a little drama going on here but i cant' talk about it just yet.

seriously - pages of posts

ggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i am annoyed by so many things at the moment. no really - i am just beyond fucking annoyed. everyone and every damned thing is pissing me off. the only other thing i feel - i mean besides gigantic and in pain and out of breathe. so if you haven't annoyed me today - it's probably because i haven't talked to you. i should probably nap.

so fucking typical

this is the first day of my "vacation". the word is in quotes because so far i have spent it working. and i have work to bring with me. and yes, it's all well and good to say just don't do it but all i will get for that is a load of shit. but it's fine because i'm sure that there is recognition just around the corner. that should be read dripping in sarcasm. what the hell am i going to do. i recognize the futility of talking to anyone about how i see work going but it doesn't stop me from being upset. so when do i let things go - and when do i confront things. yeah, now i'm just completely pissed.

and ya know what - it's not just work. i need more than a vacation.

mea culpa mea culpa mea maximus . . eh, eff you

so sunday i was down the cape where we apparently don't have internet. i'm going back tomorrow so i will have to do a post early and then last night i passed out at like 9 - i was just gonna close my eyes a minute :) i think going to bed / waking up early actually suits me even though i can't seem to manage to do it.

so yeah, i took two days and i am going to the cape. my mother is already down there with my son. this is officially as long as i have ever been away from him. it's flipping me out a little. but i think he's having fun. my mother has been taking him to the beach. he adores her anyway. it's really very sweet. i stayed with them on sunday night - we slept in the same bed which he thought was the bees knees but i, on the other hand, don't sleep much - keep expecting him to fall off the bed and then he wakes me up at 2.30 for a glass of water. he was asking about something else too that was total gibberish so i just hoped he was talking ragtime and would go back to sleep but no "momma, momma, momma . . . i want some water, momma momma momma" and of course he falls back asleep in like 3 minutes. me? not so much. okay, now i'm just making myself sad.

so yeah, i have these two days off but i don't think there is any way that i am going to be able to not work during them. i have so much to do. and my boss is still crazy. she's had me workingon this other project for weeks now and doesn't realize how much else i do so in the meantime i have all this shit falling by the wayside and no one else kows what i've been doing. so on that note - i'm going to do some work so that hopefully i can enjoy a tiny bit of my time off.