what am i to do

tomorrow am we head for nh to go camping. so i don't know how or if i'm gonna be able to post tomorrow - theoretically i can do it on carl's iphone but we'll see if it even works up there.

i have mixed emotions about this up coming trip. i hope the boy likes camping. i actually can't believe we haven't taken him yet. course, i've never been this kind of camping before either - apparently his parents brought thesee huge tents and air mattresses for us! i said something about not being used to that and carl's dad was like - oh usually you use a foam pad? - er, no. actually carl and i have been on a couple of monstrous trips. there was the one in october in the white mountains with summer gear whooo hoo - then when i was pregnant with malachai we went to one of the islands in boston harbor. the mosquitos were so bad - i watched them eat through my bug spray ; there were dead rabbits everywhere, eaten alive and the next night they actually closed the island down. so, yeah, that was fun. hmm - none of that or all the packing i just did helped in terms of looking forward to this.

goodnight and welcome to august

the sky is falling ; the sky is falling

okay regardless of whether you think obama's healthcare plan is a good idea - the way the republicans are portraying it has simply gone so far crazypants it's . . . well, crazypants. ugh - i just spent like 20 minutes looking for the quotes that i just saw on television and can't. i'll try to find them tomorrow. they basically said the hell plan was equivalent to mass murder. and that is a tiny hair of exaggeration but only a tiny hair.

omg - the president had beer with gates and crowley today. foxnews and npr bashed his choice of bud light as it is owned by a company in brazil. but what do you expect from obama he wasn't even born in this country, right?

the sky is falling!! the sky is falling!!! we're all gonna die - well, all the white people. black people will probably eat our brains afterwards.

i'd love to know if any of these people have actually READ the healthcare proposal. i've made it half way through. i'm glad for one thing so far - if it goes through i will be able to leave my job if i want and still get coverage for my leg which is currently not really an option for me. anyway, i understand objections to it. i can see some concerns. i don't share most of them but i get it but can we just have a grown up conversation. can we not talk about how 'this means we are taking medicare away from all the elderly'. also, republicans keep talking about how private is better - i will buy it when they sign themselves up for a ppo instead of taking their government healthcare. just one more thing - does anyone have a pair of testicles that the democrats could borrow.

i seem to have, i hope temporarily, lost my mouth guard. this is really not good news.

the father in law is here. the mother in law will be her tomorrow. saturday morning we head to nh to camp. well, sort of - they are bring air mattresses and gigantic tents. mind you i'm not complaining; i've been in enough pain lately but i've never camped like this.

ooooo - i think i just saw that wii has a sword game. i might have to think about that after all.

so carl gave up the dojo in allston. we spent a lot of nights there - sigh.

if you haven't seen this; it's old but oh oh - so fantastic



k - gotta go find something to eat :D

not quite better than sex but . . .

i ate dinner over like 4 hours tonight - not stuffing myself jsut eating a little. doing some stuff around the house; eating a little more - - shrimp steak lobster chocolate mmmmmmmmmmm

plus i was home all alone tonight. the boy stayed with his grandmother and carl had a work thing until 9 or 10 and is staying over in town so he can pick up the kid in the morning. it was great. perfect combination of getting stuff done and relaxing.

so if i had just waited to open my email until tomorrow it would have been a completely perfect evening. i don't really expect people to check on me or anything but is it to much to ask a moments thought before you rub salt in my wounds or slice open new ones.

but that's okay i'm gonna have some frozen yogurt now and dream of a place where . . . well it won't matter cuz it's frozen yogurt. :)

my kingdom for . . . eh, what difference does it make i got no stinking kingdom

i went to see the biofeedback guy today which i guess is a combination shrink / mind therapy dude. all i could think of was adam ferrara one of his bits he says "i went to see a counselor; but i was totally italian about it - my friends say 'so how'd it go' i said he didnt' get nothing out of me" course the real trick is to give them enough that you don't appear to be shut down. i'm actually a big fan of counseling as a concept but being a slightly weird kid in the suburbs in the 70s they were all about sending me to one person after another. most of them were full of shit so i was full of shit right back. when i was older i went to see one lady who made me really uncomfortable and the second session i told her that. her response was "well, what do you think your hang up with me is / what can you do to move past it". needless to say i didn't go back. so anyway, yeah, i'm in favor of the concept but a lot of counselors are full of shit. i mean it's true that people who are a little effed are drawn to that career. i was going to be a counselor. anyway, he was a pretty nice guy. i'll go back to them to learn mind over matter techniques for pain.

i watch saving grace. it's a good show. it's also nice that it constantly mentions and remembers those that are still in iraq and afghanistan. since most people here seem to forget that any of that is going on. the democrats would like to forget about it since they know they did the wrong thing in the first place by not objecting to this nonsense. and the republicans who built the whole last eight years on how important it was and blah blah blah now want to distance themselves besides they're all so busy exclaiming how the sky is falling and our entire union is going to fall apart. hell, the whole world is coming to an end. right because the last eight years were so successful.

anyway it's a good show. but why does everything on television try to convince you that there is going to be intense love affairs and a best friend who is going to stick by you no matter what.

here's a better question for you - why the hell does my cat carry socks around the house meowing and then leaving them everywhere. or how bout this one - why do i wake up around 10pm lately grrr

today has passed me by

i'm so aggravated at so many things. politics. people's lack of ability (on all sides) to actually listen to the whole story. i'll try to summon the energy to elaborate on that point but suffice it to say gatesgate just isn't as simple as "stupid cop" or "bastard professor". things rarely are that simple. i wish i could be like the rest of the world and feel that way. and even better not question . . . well, anything. stuff at home. work. my own brain. and then basically i get aggravated at myself for being aggravated.

i go to the biofeedback guy tomorrow. hopefully he can do something for me. maybe if i was in less pain i would be less aggravated; which would help with the whole holding my body completely tensed and gritting my teeth which might help me be in less pain and you see where this could be preferable to the vicious circle.

and maybe i'll actually be able to write something. because right now . . .

anyway - this kid moves a lot and my belly is giant

it's just not getting any better

i did write a full blog but i erased it. i'm gonna cop out and say - if you don't have anything good to say . . ..

i have a tan

which is bizarre for me - in fact i sort of go out of my way to not get a tan. but i got burnt last weekend and then we went to the zoo today and a i got another little burn. it's weird when i get any little amount of color i get these little white dots that show up.

adam ferrara - very funny.

so john ridley wrote this . . . mess about the whole gates incident. i posted a reply. part of my reply was to say that the article was poorly written. they didn't post it. how pathetic are you when you can't take criticism. i was not rude - i used no profanity. here's the article. it's horrid. i don't have my reply because they didn't post it and it didn't occur to me to copy it anywhere.

the mother in law comes tomorrow with bagels and mmmmm lox.

aigh!! my scar is itchy but i can't scratch it. i mean i can but it doesn't effect it. grrrrrrrrrr

alright, gotta go finish cleaning up.

don't wanna

tomorrow am we go to the zoo then possibly to the dojo and then possibly to the lowell folk festival; carl's mother comes to town sunday brunchish until - idk when. i just don't have the motivation for all this. especially because next weekend we will be gone all weekend - camping with carl's family. I have to get shit together for htat too. uck. i want to be at home and do nothing. which i know isn't good for me but i feel like even that is an effort most days.

so that said - i need my .. . mmm, not beauty, my annoyance? sleep.

quiet house

the little boy is at his grandmother's tonight. she is taking him to the butterfly sanctuary in NH tomorrow made more sense for him to stay there. i miss him. i love the sound of his voice - except of course when i wish he would just e quiet for a minute. but he has the cutest voice and the way he says things. So the other day I'm showing him this book that my insurance company mailed out to me about being pregnant and havign a baby. there is a naked pregnant woman and he points and says "look that momma took the ring off her belly" He also keeps asking me if the baby has come out of my belly yet. i'll tell ya this - it ain't cuz this kid is lazy - s/he seems to be in constant motion.

i think what professor gates has done in this situation to the black and latino community is very nearly equivalent to a woman who falsely files a rape charge

and that's all i will say about that because there are a couple of politic issue just aggravating the crap out of me at the moment but i'm too tired to go down that road. so let's just leave tonight with the idea that my kid is damned cute. how's that?

oh - and the difference between racism and prejudice. racism is about power - domination. the only way that a minority can dominate over a majority is to have a resource that that majority needs or by mutual consent. that is why there is no such thing as reverse racism. black people in this country have neither the numbers nor the power over the majority. someday soon latinos might but we aren't there either.

okay that's all then

professor gates - everyone is wrong

so that is the link to the gates story. the summary is this - a black harvard professor came home with his driver. there was a problem with his door. his driver forced the door open. a woman called the police to tell them that two big black men were trying to break into a house. the police came to the door; gates showed them his id (one account i read but can't find at the moment said they had to ask twice); gates was angry told them that they didn't know who they were messing with and accused them of racial profiling; gates asked for the officers name and badge number which the officer did not provide at any point; the officer asked him to step out of the house finally gates did in order to follow the cop and continue to ask for name and badge; when gates stepped out of the house the police arrested him for disorderly conduct.

peoples' reactions are, more or less, either 'this is racism' or ' he deserved to be arrested'. neither of these are correct. he was not arrested becasue he was black - he was arrested because you don't get to question the cops. by and large the police force is comprised of people fond of power, i'm not suggesting they are all that way but if you are that kind of person it's an alluring job. and if you aren't that kind of person to start with i thik there are many factors that might bring you there. but that's its own conversation. a police officer is required to tell you his badge and name if you ask. afaik, this applies even if he just watched you murder someone. but who the hell asks them for it. no one. that way lies madness. a good rule of thumb - when the cops come your rights range from limited to nonexistent. that isn't a racial issue. you know why women get out of more tickets than men. it's because women have a far easier time showing deference than men and that is what cops want from you. all of you. and frankly - a man getting uppity about his status has just taken a sledge hammer to the thin ice he was already skating on.

that said if i hear one more bullshit whinging about reverse discrimination i might go mad.

yeah, i definitely have to start writing this thing earlier - i could have been far more articulate.

i've eaten all the chocolate

i need a shaman. if i was anyone else yuou might think i'm kidding but i'mnot. i need to do a soul retrieval. i'm beyond scattered. i've known that i need to do this for a long time but i keep putting it off. me? put something off?? crazy talk! anyway, that's what i really need. if that doesn't work well - that's that.

there's a shamanic weekend at the end of september - death related. it would be a good idea for me. i was planning on going we'll see. it'd be a good idea but it's in st. louis. it also begins on the day that i found gideon's obit. if i didn't tell you the story; it's pretty, well, it'd be funny if things that were funny ended in death. maybe another time.

i miss the 70s.

mm vin diesel

can there be no more romance or death or human connection on television. let's stick to snark and humor folks, okay.

i am so gigantic and i have way too long to go.

walden university. it's a consideration. hmm - speaking of which i should go back to walden pond; been a while.

goodnight chilluns

fred

this is the name kai has picked for his baby sibling. he has decided said sibling is a girl. so he's all about the baby sister named fred.

so i was wrong. i wasn't a little burnt - i was a fried crispy critter.

the episcopalians are considering performing gay marriages.

and new haven ca wants to start running every visitors' license plate number. because we are an oligarchy and being rich means buying better law enforcement - - even if it does violate civil rights.

a girl i knew in high school's brother died. so very sad and bizarre. i have no idea how. gideon's obituary didn't mention cause of death either. if i didn't post it before - it's a lovely obit. http://www.recorder.com/story.cfm?id_no=5344207 if i did post it before - forgive me.

i must stop clenching my teeth.

little sunburn

that's what i got. spent like three hours with the kid in the pool. he friggin loves it - awesome.

tom robbins is very cool - today's tom robbins' quote "using words to describe magic is like cutting roast beef with a screw driver"

true romance - awesome movie; the appreciation of which might be the only thing my ex and i had in common. if you haven't seen it then you have made a mistake. that quote "if there's one thing this last week has taught me; it's better to have a gun and not need it then need one and not have it"

i braided my stepsister's hair today - inverted french braid. i forgot how good i am at that.

i read someone's account today that basically boiled down to saying that it was ignorant / narrow scoped to view the vatican's lauding of oscar wilde as a contradiction. i'm not sure i would call it a contradiction since they seem to pick and choose when they want to employ their judgements and when they don't, but it's definitely strange. one thing is cleared up - being gay is apparently preferable to being an audacious woman.

lazy . . . but kinda revealing

AIGH - maybe one of these days someone can tell me why my italics and bold sporadically don't show up.

i wanted to post poetry today. i found these and they actually aren't far off from my current state of things.


I'm tired
I mean TIE - AHHHD

of my yo-yoing BCP hormones
without the privilege of bareback
of pretending to work
of charming people in and then
repelling them with nuerosis and apathy
of the nuerosis and apathy themselves
of not feeling safe
of living in alternating states
of fastidiousness and squalor
of the flicker of the tv
of constant daydreaming
of just keeping above water
of not wanting what i wanted
of looking outside myself
and picking apart the inside

of insomnia
_________

Days have become gray dismal and gaudy
Boston's se of cranes
In the never ending pursuit for better highways
I've begun reading Bukowski for the solace

To work and home; home and work
Each door locks the sound
Of everything I haven't done
And driving is the low level
Angst of stop and go
With sharp shorts of
Near collision breathing
________

and one just cuz it tickles me

pebble and rain
and a watching window pane
a time to read what you sew
words like fabric and maize
i'm hardly ever openly sane

eh - come on now - it beats hearing about my day

C is for calamity

my aversion to doing this blog is increasing. my aversion to a lot of things is increasing. along with my annoyance. mostly with not . .. getting what i deserve. i am not someone who feels entitled. this isn't me whinging because i think i should get a prize for just breathing. i mean appreciation / recognition / pay off for the things i do. i sure as shit get the backlash for the things i don't do or do wrong.

in the interest of fairness i will say that there are definitely some areas of my life that i have random blessings - wonderful blessings. my son is a good example. course he is a mixture of deserved and random. i have probably never tried any harder at anything in my whole life. on the other hand i fall down on the job so much. he is such a good and sweet child. and funny. good gravy he is so funny. and i don't mean he says stuff that's cute funny - although that is there too. i mean he tries to make you laugh. even as a baby he would notice that something he did or a facial expression would make you laugh and he would do it again. before too long he came up with things all on his own to make you laugh.

the tmj guy basically said i was fucked. gave me a bunch of exercises to do and is going to try to release the jaw. if it doesn't do the trick i will have tot have a splint made for it and have it adjusted every three weeks and it'll cost about 3 grand - whoooo hooooo; it's already gonna cost a butt load since this guy isn't in my network. course my network can't provide me with any viable options because they can't look up by what i need treatment for - i have to tell them what kind of doctor i want to see.

mmm - i do make some pretty damned good chocolate chip cookies.

tooo much writing

i have spent the last hours researching and then writing something for my company's website. so that is what you will get as my post. and tomorrow i will start a lot earlier cuz i actually have a lot of things in my head.

J.F. White Contracting Company was awarded the Chelsea Street Bridge renovation project.

The scope of this project will utilize diverse divisions and talents of J.F. White Contracting Company including the heavy/civil, electrical, mechanical and forms divisions.

This project will spearhead the Massachusetts Accelerated Bridge Program. The program has slated 3 billion dollars to be applied over the next 8 to 10 years in the repair and renovation of 250 to 300 bridges.

The first Chelsea Street Bridge was built in 1834. The existing bridge is a bascule bridge that has been standing since 1936. The United States Coast Guard has issued an Order to Alter citing this bridge as unreasonably obstructive to navigation.

The USCG Order makes it necessary to not only repair the bridge but completely demolish it and construct a newly designed bridge in its stead. The existing substructure will be taken to 42 feet below sea level. The new bridge will be a vertical lift bridge with expanded clearances as well as a more aesthetic design.

Citizens and commuters in the area, as well as those navigating the Chelsea River, will benefit from the many years of expertise and excellence that J.F. White Contracting brings to aspect of this project.

“The Chelsea Street drawbridge is essential for the energy security and economic viability of the entire area, and this new bridge will ensure the smooth and safe flow of traffic [and]protect our environment” said Senator Ted Kennedy

The new bridge is slated for completion in April of 2012 and is anticipated to be a crowning achievement for J.F.W. in terms of its craftsmanship and the value it will offer to the greater metro area. As well as being a great forward step in achieving Massachusetts’ goals of improving the infrastructure and economy of the state

KA in CA - a pictorial

kim on the rocks



high kick



birdbrain




jackass




not CA but . . . really could you blame me

reefer madness

this won't stand as today's post but oh, so good. especially if you've seen reefer madness

movement

so i've got the u/s tomorrow an dthe tmj consult on thursday. hopefully the tmj guy has some answer for me because i've had enough. this whole pain thing is so not me. my whole life i've never been like this. hell i was barely like this while i was having constant surgery.

so this weird thing happens on facebook now. it used to suggest friends based on having mutual friends. now people just show up and i guess they dip into your email. how do i know this? because before facebook changed their settings i looked up gideon and it showed that he had no friends. he had signed up and never used the account. when i looked that up he was already dead so i feel pretty confident that he hasn't had much activity going on between then and now. there are other people that showed up that i don't have any mutual friends with etc. i used gideon as the example because there is literally no way - no mutual friends or groups or whatever -that they could have come up with him besides looking in my email. i wish i didn't like fb so much cuz that's kinda creepy.

yeah, all i can really focus on is the u/s so this is basically a sham

i've been to paradise . . .

i was reminded of this little ditty today - seventieslicious

i love me some 70s melodrama

so i caught a little bit of a npr show today where they were talking about the tribute for michael jackson. apparently there were empty seats at the staples center or wherever it was. it's just interesting because it would seem that perhaps there weren't all that many people moved and or mourning. or mayber there were just a number of people who were having a reaction similar to my own - i acknowledge who he was; at all stages. in a sense the man worth mourning - well, i sorta did that already when he started going all crazy pants.



we went to garden in the woods today. so pretty there. caught a frog or toad (i can never tell) for the kid to touch. he was excited. there were literally about a dozen turtles in the pond. oh, i love turtles. i really don't know why but i definitely do dig them.

i'm exhausted. but i refuse to go to bed before 11 - i'll end up at 4pm and i can't really afford that especially with carl out of town until tuesday. it might not be late enough for me to go to sleep but there is no damned reason that my son should still be talking to himself right now.

my 17week ultrasound is tuesday and i'm starting to get a little freaked out.

the world according to garp. i need to read it. the movie was surprisingly good. had a few great quotes. "i'm going to mourn her alone for the rest of my life; right now i want to be with as many people who feel the same way i do" that is truly the way it is. course when you are with all those peole a little isolation creeps in since no one can ever feel exactly the way you do. of course that is true about everything but for some reason sorrow highlights our snse of separation. maybe because separation is at the center of sorrow. eh, maybe i should go to bed.

. . . grandchildren on your knee - vera, chuck and dave

and a picture

carl the garderner

mmm - chocolate

time and again i have perked up at what seems to be an opportunity for community. i think i have finally reached the conclusion that it might not go that way.

my son ate 4 regular pancakes; 3 silver dollar pancakes; 3 slices of cheese and about 12oz of milk today - - - for breakfast. i am seriously going to have to get a better job before he hits the teen years.

my college friend was supposed to visit tomorrow but she has to work. she is a film art director. this is her http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0050867/ they are shooting a movie in lowell through the end of august so hopefully i'll see her before she leaves.

a woman from high schoool added me to her facebook list today. i can't quite remember her and i don't know if i should. so i havent' accepted yet.

chocolate leaves a bad after taste.

i'm going swimming tomorrow.

i need new support sneakers.

i try to be a good person. i am very critical of myself point in fact. and yet, it does not save me from a whole shitload of criticism from other people. it gets . . . grrr after a while. yes, yes, people i get it - i'm mean, i'm hard hearted, i'm a bitch - whatever. i get it. course 90% of the time i'm none of those things but so be it. although one of my friends recently said to me that i was literally the least judgemental and most compassionate person she knew. which was really nice. goes a long way for me.

ooo - two new urbandictionary terms
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pullin%27%20a%20Palin&defid=4095939
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=palin
if you are familiar with urbandictionary you know that each of these has mulitiple definitions but i'll give you my fav for each:

Pullin' a Palin
July 10, 2009 Urban Word of the Day
1. Quitting when the going gets tough; abandoning the responsibility entrusted to you by your neighbors for book advances and to make money on the lecture circuit.2. Bizarre move that will damn ambitions for higher office.
I bet when people saw Jade they were convinced that David Caruso was pullin' a Palin.


Palin
1. An applicant lacking even basic job skills 2. Someone supremely un-self-aware or lacking any relative sense of what he/she does or doesn't know.
HR sent me another Palin for the marketing manager

that just tickled me to the core.

today there wasn't much accomplished but i have to say i definitely feel more relaxed. i think i will extned that relaxation all the way to sleeping.

editorial - or something

so i read this article online by peggy noonan on sarah palin - following is the response i wrote though haven't yet posted - not sure i will. see i can never decide if i should invect into the conversation or if that is fanning a really stupid fire.

Ms. Noonan, I thought your column was well written, intelligent and the most unbiased opinion article I have read in much too long, far less biased, in fact, than many news articles for that matter. I didn't agree with all of your points of view but you displayed them in a reasoned and articulate manner with a plausible and logical argument behind them. Of course I had a little trouble with the -the media picks on Republicans- line of rational as I don't believe it is true but at least you put it in the context of because it sells, which by and large is why the media does anything. Anyone who believes the media at large has any greater altruistic vision is deluded. There was one statement that you made that I have to take great exception with "The world is a dangerous place. It has never been more so, . . ." This is purported over and over by many reporters, politicians - basically anyone who stands to make a great deal of money scaring the crap out of the public at large. The world has seen far more dangerous times.

The rest of my response is directed at the majority of the commentators I have read.

It seems as of late people have come to the conclusion that if the opinion doesn't match yours it is not only not valid but it is an attack and partisan. Words can no longer be rendered without belonging to the left or the right. I often wonder how my old Civics teacher is bearing up under the madness.

Some have responded to Ms. Noonan's attack with cries of "what about . . . " followed by a perceived affront from the other side. Personally, I really don't see that she was launching an attack but even if she was - she is not under any obligation to balance the scales. This was not an article about the left versus right or Republican women versus Democratic women or any versus of any kind. This was a piece about Sarah Palin.

This trend of responding to criticism with pointing the finger at someone else is disturbing and juvenile. We were taught as children, if your parents were worth their salt, that it didn't matter what other people were doing. So, that other politcians are lacking is sad but not a pass.

It's been pointed out that many politicians are stupid and "why is Ms. Palin being referred to as thoughtless?" Frankly, I thought Ms. Noonan did a very laudable job of illustrating a number of examples but . . . here is one thing that sets Ms. Palin apart: she did not know the scope of the responsibilities and power of the position of Vice President, that is a bit excessive. Her parting comments are another good example: "I think on a national level, your department of law there in the White House would look at some of the things that we've been charged with and automatically throw them out," So, forgetting for a minute, that she is either suggesting that a national department of law would be more judicial or that being a VP would give her license to not have to be judged for her actions; the capital S stupid here is that there is no national department of law.

Oh, and to the one person who said that Ms. Noonan was angry because she had to work hard and Palin didn't have that struggle. That is demeaning to everyone involved. Ultimately you are saying that Ms. Noonan would not hold the same opinion of Sarah Palin if she was a man. It is only an intellectual version of the comments taht implicate this is a "cat-fight".

Of course, I suppose I should applaud everyone here - the last time a woman wrote an unflattering op-ed piece about Sarah Palin the readers responded by saying that she was just pissed cuz Palin was hotter.

So as long as we are all sitting around arguing about whether our guy is stupider than yours; yours has less integrity than our; your 'woman' is hotter (how this has any place in the conversation at all is beyond me); who is on the left; who is on the right; whether the media works for the aforementioned left or right . . . our supposed representatives are out there not doing much in the way of our interests.

i'm preggers

also, i think i'm working on carpal tunnel syndrome.

i'm trying ot make plans with carl's family to go camping. i have yet to decide whether the planning is worse than the event actually will be.

the couch in j.d.'s living room on scrubs is exactly the same as our in the early eighties

here's a poem i wrote for a college friend
A madman - genius in our presence
Sang songs I sometimes understood
And felt priviledged
And he would say,
"What do you mean, man" a lot
But sometimes he just knew
And let me love him

so i've been on yahoo mail looking for something and now i know why i don't use it - slowest friggin thing EVER - where's a good abacus when you need one

10lbs of crap in a 5lb sack

that's what work is like lately. and i really don't need that right now. i have enough of my plate. i hate that expression by the way - having a lot on your plate. it's so . . . idk but it's not good. anyway, it was already stressful and then today i lost three or four hours of work.

so in looking for the article to tell you about cynthia davis and her "children are motivated by hunger - let's not feed them" i found this quote about the civil war "Rep. Davis says she wishes we could have "freed the slaves without having to shoot all those people." " i'm sorry - really - i hate to be simply partisan but the republicans en masse have seriously gone crazy pants. obama got rid of that guy who was trying to sell his seat - i can't believe i can't remember his name. democrats in general said - no, we aren't standing behind this. republicans on the other hand sanford; coleman; palin (i know we could argue about that one); and now davis - - - they have nothing to say. a perfect example of the pro-choice adage "beware of those who care for you before you are born and after you die and don't give a @$@# about you in between" this woman is anti-choice.

that's all i got for yu tonight.

oh, in my poetry class in college one of my friends, a lesbian, wrote a poem with this line in it: it was then i knew i would lose girl after girl to boy after boy. i don't know why i thought of that today but it's a great line.

remember the parade they had for john wayne gacy?

NO!! NO OF COURSE YOU DON'T!! because we aren't in the habit of worshipping pedophiles. look i'm not even really annoyed by the fact that he was a child predator. i mean - i *believe* he was a child predator but he was not convicted so he was entitled to his freedom. BUT - all these people who were all over him when he was alive. i knnow that there were people who stood behind him and always beleived in his innocence but not this damned many.

actually, speaking of our justice system etc. this bullshit about sex offenders having to register and being able to see where they live is just that - bullshit. our system is designed - you serve your time and then you are back in society. course it is also supposed to focus on rehabilation and not punishment so there you have it. the worst part about the sex offender registration is that it makes no distinction between a child rapist and a 19 year old who had a consensual relationship with a 17 year old. i'm not saying that i wouldn't personally want to know if the guy next to me raped children - i do / i would and i would personally like to kill him too. but you don't get to pick and choose what parts of the constitution you think are worthy. i mean, hell, i would like to know if my neighbor embezzled too but . . . anyway, if you are really worried about your kids look around at your family and friends cuz statistically that's where the attack is gonna come from.

so no more going to bed early. last night i went to bed at 10.30 was up at 2.30 until 5! whooohooo

so scifi did it - they are syfy now. why? what the hell was the point of that? yeah, i know i should have asked that question a while ago. i think in the back of my head i thought that they would hear the chatter and realize how very stupid ... but no

i have to say that my thoughts are pretty black. to a surprising degree.

I swear I once was pretty, not the monster you now see

you know how you have unfinished conversations with people. things you'll get around to saying or finish saying or clarifying. i don't have those. i'm not that kind of person. i don't have that much faith that there will be time. hell, i've probably destroyed relationships that way. but gideon and i had hundreds of unfinished conversations - some nearly 20 years old. i suppose i should stop talking about it but this is the only place that i do and i guess i keep thinking eventually i will say something that will allow me to put the whole thing to rest. so to speak - hehe. oh come on!! you were thinking it!!

we've taught our son to talk to the sun, moon etc. (to amuse ourselves we tell him to say "thank you mr. chicken" when he has his nuggets) so tonight he told the sun "goodnight. thanks for keeping the lights on :)" the idea of talking to the sun - us / that particular phrase and sentiment - all him.

quote from the tv show i was watching tonight "lie to me" - "research shows popular kids are the most facile they learn to adapt to hide their true feelings quickly that's what makes them so popular." i'm gonna have to look into that. it's interesting in a number of regards if it's true. but i think finding that out is going to take some very creative googling. what i did google / find out today is that the psychology of the show is apparently real - the studying of microexpressions. the doctor that the show is based on is apparently working on a visual lie detector test. how cool is that? or am i just a giant geek.

this is how i feel today- it starts 47 seconds in


`I swear I'll do things different but can't promise to be strong

so this is the weirdest thing - i just noticed a typo and went back to edit this and it highlighted words that weren't spelled wrong. i left one of them for you to see -the second "conversation" in the first paragraph i didn't correct. i let it correct the first one for me though. i don't see any difference between the two. am i going crazy or blind??

yep - did it again - even pointed out the words i let it correct last time - so bizarre.

malaise - serious malaise

i'm going to try sleeping before 11 - like as soon as i finish this.

i ate way too much tonight.

i keep thinking - is this all there is. is this life? at the end of my life this is what i will see when i look back. i feel isolated and lonely usually. and there are certain battles i fight over and over. sometimes, especially lately i don't feel like i'm even fighting them anymore. what is the barrier / the line / the distinction between content and complacent and when does it fully dissolve to apathetic?

on a happier note- my little boy kept saying to me today "you're a pretty pretty princess".

we didn't end up going to the birthday party - he had a fever and a weird rash today so i thought it would be best. as it was he ended up sleeping through what would have been the party anyway. i think he would have been disappointed about not going except that we took him to ben and jerry's for a frozen yogurt. :)

oooo - and tomorrow i will post his "city / town" he made out of blocks for "the kings and queens to live in" :)

july 4th

well, i managed to get something done but it was bloody little and i have so very very much to do. and my foot is throbbing.

so about july 4th - those who argue that religion and country are inseparable like to quote the declaration and point out the "endowed by their creator" but somehow manage to skip over the next line clearly stating that the government derives ITS power not from the creator in question but from the will of the people. and even if you believe god gave that will - it is *free* will which include the freedom to ignore him if we so choose. but that's enough soapbox. i get angry in this regard because the principles of the country are so strong and worthy.

anyhoo - tomorrow we go to a four year olds birthday party. i can not express the number of ways that i don't want to go. the boy will like it though which is really the only reason i'm going. it's a friend from work's kid but i'd blow it off if not for trying to not ruin his social life entirely. shit, and i still have to get a present.

you aren't paying attention anyway

chinese takeout - really really good chinese takeout - and a movie. as it is i don't think i am going to make it through the movie. so goodnight.

giant calzone

carl just made the world's largest calzone - using up the rest of the processed meats that we bought that i really shouldn't be eating.

so chuck grassley tells the people today that if you want good insurance you should work for the federal government. brilliant - since they have public health insurance. OR you know what else would be a good idea . . . UGH! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/02/sen-grassley-if-you-want_n_225258.html

giant headache. and sleepiness

gideon's friend is on facebook and wrote a notation under one of my pic of him "i miss our friend". little breakdown. i suspect perhaps that it is not so much that i have gotten better at dealing as that i have gotten better at ignoring. actually, forget about gideon for a minute - i'm pretty much a damned ignoring expert.

there were things i wanted to say to you today but . .

pathetic

so this is what i do - and i think there is a chance i have been doing it all my life. i pursue people (albeit with less and less energy of late) who don't really have any interest in hanging out with me or whatever and sorta avoid those who do. i have some reasons why i do it. i suppose ultimately i don't really want to hang out with anyone but then i get to thinking that i should be more social. i don't know. i like to go out. whatever. i also view my willingness to talk to people, particularly about my life, as a weakness. i will yap away with someone and then be like why did i do that. a bit tumultous (i think i spelled that wrong).

i am at the very lowest point of personal motivation in perhaps ever. i'm fairly motivated with work but - ugh. i'm bored i guess. and i don't see that changing.

kim had her baby - tiny little thing 9pounds3ounces - - i thik i'm disappointed. :)

so i get one of those online parent magazines. this week's - your 3old manners are important. if you haven't started teaching your kid manners by three years you have a damned uphill battle from there. just one woman's opinion.