online xmas shopping

omg. that show hoarders. they just found a dead cat in someone's house - two of them.

i made the mistake of passing out at like 6 until about 9.30. now it's 2am and here i am still awake. i've spent the last hours trying to xmas shop on line with very little luck. but i am damned determined to do 95% of this from home. it isn't like i have any ideas any way. sigh. so if anyone knows what i should get my "in-laws" or my father and step mother or the director of the daycare - - that would be helpful.

conspicuous consumptionism and the chinese

i remember what i had planned to write about today. so this is will make up for the one that i passed out before i did - or something.

so the two things in the subject aren't related. or at least i have no intention on relating them. the chinese part is that i have been getting responses to my blogs in chinese. i know they are spam. i just thought it was funny.

anyway - consumerism etc. i have begun to waiver back and forth between whether i am acting in a sane and rational way or like some miserly scrooge. on facebook i read everyone's posts about all the xmas shopping they are doing for their kids who are the same age or younger than malachai. as of yet i have bought him a couple of books - was at the bookstore for carl's birthday and i always end up getting kai books - which i'm not even sure are for xmas necessarily. i buy the classics that he has to have and then hold on to them for a surprise or when he's a little older etc. - for example i already bought him the narnia chronicles; the wrinkle in time set; tolkien ; etc etc - stuff he isn't going to want / need for years but will definitely need. but i digress. additionally, while online shopping for other people i found paint yourself dinosaur kits. he loves dinosaurs - can't say spaghetti correctly but can pronounce just about every dinosaur - and he loves to paint; preferably on canvases or figurines. so anyway, that's what i got him and i don't really see myself getting much more than that. mike and paula will probably get him one or two things (and then give him money); my mom got him maybe four or five things; my dad and elaine maybe three or four things and maybe a random gift here or there (aunt jess is in town). hell, the last three xmases we only got him one gift each year. but he seems good with it. he has plenty to do and has only just begun wanting things in the stores so . . . i think we are doing the right thing. who knows - he gets older he'll probably hate us for it. that's why it's either a college fund or a therapy fund.

speaking of the dinosaur thing he told me today that a -insert dinosaur name i am incapable of pronouncing here- is a 'hervifores' (herbivores) and hervifores only eat plants. i smiled proudly and then immediately thought - omg, he IS the kid from jerry mcguire. poor little geek. :)

WTH

ugh. i don't know how long this experiment can hold out. i fell asleep typing yesterday's post and didn't have enough to even bothering posting it this morning. i was just falling asleep at my computer doing something else when i realized i should probably do today's since i am literally passing out and it's only 9.15

i am watching a show that explores whether mangela (nazi) fled ot brazil and continued his experiments into producing multiple births. there is apparently this town of like a thousand where there are currently 40 pairs of twins. ive always been fascinated by all things nazi; and serial killers and racism. i guess it's a fascination with what goes haywire in the brain that allows a person to void themselves of empathy. it isn't like they aren't aware of the humanity - they exploit it but they just don't let it get in their way viewing that person's feelings as less than. anyway, i think that's it - the reason i'm fascinated i mean. but who knows maybe there is just something wrong with me.

so while i would prefer to get some things left to do - the baby could come today and i think we would be in okay shape. but ideally i would like to get past this week. i mean sure, i'd like to be done being pregnant but there is just too much shit scheduled for this week and i have to finish my xmas shopping (which will all be done online). hmmm - maybe i should go do some of that.

my boy wrote letters today - s ; g; p; f; a; e and c - to varying degrees of success but he announced each one before and you could at least see that it was an attempt at that letter (ie the f was backwards etc) and we have never worked with him on them. yes, i am being unabashedly proud

i think my brain just broke

the thanksgiving that never ended

i really don't know how fat people do it. i can't stand having parts of my body touching other parts that they aren't supposed to be. it's disgusting to even type that. and everything is all swelly too. i think my knees have disappeared.

so thanksgiving part two takes place tomorrow - we're having people over. we've done this the last few years - day before or after thanksgiving. course, carl said he would do everything and hasn't done anything to prepare the house yet and is going out in the morning. because he doesn't think these things are important. so, i have to go and continue cleaning up now. i'll let you know how much of a disaster it was tomorrow.

Thanksgibbons

I forget last night - well, in all fairness, i actually sat down to read around 9ish and that was the end of me. but here's what i planned to write about.

i have a number of things to be thankful for - like most of us whether we are willing to admit it or not. i'm cognizant of the relative luxury i am immersed in; the fact that despite my bitching about pain and my stuffed up head - i have a pretty damned good constitution etc etc etc; i am thankful for the evidence i see here and there / that people tell me that i have touched or helped them in some way

but mostly i am so thankful for my son. if nothing before or ever again justifies my existence bringing him into the world does. and helping him to hold on to who he is gives me purpose.

my irritability rate is WAY WAY up

i might actually snap soon. but that could just be momentary.

on the overall i have managed to clean up most of my office; get nearly everything outstanding done and taken care of; train the people that need to be trained to take over for me - can anyone explain why it is taking a grand total of ten of them?? granted they are all doing it in addition to other things but still seems a little excessive. whatever. what do i care i won't be there! as of tomorrow i am three weeks out from my due date. be interesting to see how far i make it. it'd be great if i didn't have a freaking cold by the time i got there like i've had for the last eight gazillion weeks now.

i'm beginning to remember more and more clearly how not fun the actual giving birth part was - suppose it's a little late to think of that. it wasn't like it was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me but it wasn't pleasant either. and i was damned tired. the biggest thing was how frightening it was for the contractions to go from 0 to 60 in like a second. i expected there to be pit stops along the way but basically it was 'everythings fine, i'm a little uncomfortable' to 'omg my insides are falling out' in the blink of an eye. but i suppose there is plenty of time to focus on this later - or there isn't but either way it isn't going ot help to focus on it now. what i would like to focus on is how excited i am going to be to actually be able to move around. ya know, take stairs without being winded - real daredevil shit!!

turkey tomorrow; birthday friday; turkey two saturday and massage on sunday. whoo hooo

birthdays and not birthing days

today was carl's birthday- we went to this place up the street and then to a bookstore and had a very lovely evening. then back here for cake with the kid.

the baby is currently 7 pounds 9 oz. the doctor seems to think the baby won't gain that much weight from now on but everything else - march of dimes; aap etc. says about a half to pound a week. i'll look into it again tomorrow when i'm not exhausted. well, okay, when i'm less exhausted.

itchy scratchy and stuffy

and that's just my head

find out tomorrow about the giant baby in my belly


debating a after thanksgiving dinner for saturday night - not sure i can handle all that work. we'll see.

boy woke up again last night. poor little dude.

and coughing hurts my belly

see ya'll tomorrow

oh and i already wrote a friggin diatribe and a half on FB so i got nothing left for here. i seriously have to pick a topic for a week or something.

Lost in the ether

i love that people that want you to be scared to death over the threat of losing your freedom to pick your doctor (sorry not buying it) - don't want you to concern yourself over your gay neighbors lack of civil rights. this is the radical gay agenda they are speaking of? i just don't get it - it seems very straight forward to me. once you acknowledge that gay people are in fact *people* . . . then it must follow as the night the day . . . know what i mean? the idea that some people are more equal than others is one founding ideal that we must get rid of. oh, i know to some i am speaking heresy but the fact is that the founding fathers only intended that white male property owners have a say in the governance of our country. fortunately they wrote the constitution and original bill of rights to allow to expand beyond that but those were assuredly their intents at the time.

so i was telling the boy to ask or tell my mother something today and he said "eh, she's old" i laughed til i cried.

i more or less lost my voice today. i don't mean my 'voice' - i mean, i sound silly.

i will now open the floor

good dinner tonight with an old friend. well, she's not old . . . facebook really is a great thing in many ways. i can almost forgive it for robbing me of all my time. i mean, hell, what was i doing with my time anyway - nuffin.

okay so about the open floor - names for my kid?

i've been typing for two hours

i have finally been answering emails. i suppose that i should consider going to bed.

a NJ airport security guard was heard to say that he had cut a hole in the fence a tthe airport to be able to take a shot at obama. he was released from jail today. only held until his hearing - about three weeks. does that seem right? threaten the presidents life and go on your merry way.

this child moves so much that it literally shakes my whole body.

there were only seen of us there to bury elliott. it was hard, awkward. in some ways i thought the lack of pomp etc. was a good thing. in other ways i was very cognizant of how much the ritual is there to help and protect us. without it the emotion; the reality is stark and raw. there is no bouncing ball to watch so you are left with the complete absence of bounce. i found him so very damaging to me at a certain point that i cut myself off from him. i don't regret that decision but being here i remembered the reasons i let him in my life to begin with and kept him there for so long. in particular i had a strong empathy for his old english teacher who is somewhere around 80. he had every reason to believe that elliott would outlive him. there aren't many hierarchal tiers when it comes to death but premature death is at least that tiny tick worse than the rest. i did appreciate the lack of 'sainthood' as well. so often a wo/man dies and the next thing you know they were ready for canonization no matter what kind of evil prick they may have been here. we reminisced about his strengths and his flaws.

all the same - it'd be great if everyone stops dying for a little while.










screw you guys . . . i'm going home

here we go again

i actually have something to write about tonight but since i believe i am getting sick - yet again . . . i dont' have the energy or mental fortitude to do so.

this child in my belly is damned strong. it has actually begun to hurt; not because s/he is hitting an organ or on my bladder or whatever. just the simple movement know - it's like being punched by a prepubescent child. and no, i haven't had random prepubescent children hitting me - i used to assist instruct in karate classes. i have a thought in my head of someday actually going back. of course in my present condition that seems like adistant impossibility.

my boyfriends back and now i have the plague

carl go t back from new york tonight. he's still coughing - even worse. and i am beginning tofeel horrible myself. and tomorrow we bury elliott.

my whole leg went numb tonight - think that's okay?

on facebook a bunch of people are doing that 'i'm thankful for .. . ' a girl that was also friends with gideon wrote - "i'm thankful for the 20 plus years i got to spend with you and i hopeyou are looking down on me smiling' or something like that. caught me off guard. this hormone shit has to stop she and i aren't really friends. i just had the "honor" of calling her to tell her he died.

okay; i'm leaving you with one of my most favorite songs from the eighties.



and the retort

you know that woman with 19 kids? wth is her problem

it's like pottying. there's some progress i suppose. le sigh. he's gonna be 12.

my stepmother was in the line of fire yesterday - at .31 you see the bullet hole in her SUV


and i did see the massage lady today - as soon as the swelling goes down i'm sure i'll feel better.

will this baby ever relax in there

i finally go back for a massage tomorrow - i really don't think i could be any happier.

i am caught between being all done being pregnant and having things i want to finish before the kid arrives.

carl has gone to a convention in new york for a couple of days so hopefully there is no labor in the meantime.

is nancy grace channeling tammy faye baker?

subterfuge

nothing to do with the post - just love that word. watching a documentary about the beatles and they used that word.

malachai asked my mother if she knew what beatles were and she, very proud of herself, went on to talk about the bugs. when she was all done he looked at her very curiously and said 'do you know that song they sing'

"you can't leave something out - it will get dead" - this was malachai's words of wisdom for today.

he also wrote his first letter today. no suggestion from us to write a letter and no help in the execution. he drew a backwards S and said 'look momma; i made a S'

he was also offended to the point of once again telling me that he was going to gam-gam's house. only this time he had a plan. he went to the stroller and said "i just need this" then he paused for a minute and said "i need someone to push me". i didn't want to laugh at his angst but . . .

is it dec. 19th yet?

bassinet set up; second set of linens for malachai arrived; car seat cover being washed . . . what else do i have to do . . .oh yeah, everything. so much to prepare and buy ugh.

apparently i am truly overwhelmed because i noticed yesterday that i have repeated myself in the last week or so in my blog.

i also noticed that a few days ago i said i was going ot talk about how death makes people full of shit - okay, more full of shit than usual. elliott's death - all of a sudden he's a saint and everyone misses him. all these people who were no where to be found during the more than a year while he was sick. grrrrr

anywhoo - today i told my son something he didn't like and he said "i'm going to my gam-gam's house" he was dead serious too - walked to the door saying to himself 'i need a car'. couldn't stop laughing.

never mind

i was gonna post a poem that i'm working on but my mind is far too critical at the moment.

have i mentioned how much i'm looking forward to working out or you know bending over without cutting off circulation.

they came and fixed the furniture today

alright i guess i'll have to give you the poem cuz i've got nothing:

i'd have followed you to the end of time
but you never would have asked
told me all those years ago
at the base of the greenline stairs
you had plans for us
but i would have had to say so

thus was the ebb and flow
stay, now go
come to me
go away
there'll be time another day

we had time
we made time
there's always time
the test of time
it just wasn't our time
maybe next time
i hate time

if time is an illusion
i should be able to peel and fold
it wasn't just me
our first green was gold

and when green began to fade
gold started to give way
we headed off on different paths
tether tied wrist to wrist

. .. .
yeah, that's about it - the next thing is clear in my head but i can't make the words work

so there - a little piece of soul should buy me off the hook.

last night's post

was supposed to be about the teacher who let her kindergarten class vote whether a boy with autism should be allowed to stay in the class. they all got to say what they didn't like about the kid. http://www.miamiherald.com/news/florida/AP/story/1327475.html


today's post was supposed to be about how much i've forgotten. its truly incredible. people / events . . . i remember hardly anything. and yes of course there is always the substance issue but no, it isn't that - it's not a "dude, i don't even remember". i've started to forget things that i used to remember.

anyway - i was gonna write about that stuff but now . . .

sleepy tired girl

as of late my son refers to everything as sensible and not sensible. i have no idea.

more baby names today. who the hell names their daughter butterfly?

for the first time in nearly a month, maybe even a little more i woke up really sad about gideon. i've also had a resurgence of morning sickness. how come when things come back to me it isn't stuff like oh, i don't know flawless skin or carefree righteousness or ya know something useful like that. OH and i had a leg cramp so badthis morning that it scared the shit out of me.

so yesterday i was reading an onion article and forgot it was an onion article and was literally flabbergasted. i even did some googling

chiller channel - badly dubbed movie with jackie chan about chinese vampires in the year 2046. oh how i'd love to work for them.

not a single name

i've looked at about 500 web pages - i don't mean sites i mean fie hundred pages of names. and that was just the girls and nothing rocked my world. ugh. my wiccan friends said i should try doing a meditation on the subject but then when i meditated for my wiccan name i ended up with ramona so, i'm think that suggestion sorta sucks.

and speaking of wiccan http://www.ctlawtribune.com/getarticle.aspx?ID=35454 apparently, bath and body works fired a woman for being wiccan. the article suggests in teh title that it was for taking a holiday off but if you continue reading - the time was scheduled well in advance etc. - the comments made were about devil worship and the ridiculousness of the religion. i'm actually not offended by people who might think wicca is ridiculous. but i don't see how it's any more ridiculous than christianity and its promotion of vampirism (see, it's all in the pitch)

the hip is unhappy tonight. i really gotta go back to the massage lady

tomorrow's topic - how death brings out the bs mother effer in most people

non sequiturs

it's good to have some sort of understanding about animals. that way you can tell the difference between when they are reacting to a normal animal thing or when they are freaking out because the world is about to end.

carl has lately been lamenting the return of skinny jeans. he picks odd things to get his panties in a bunch about.

so many people i see around me are so unbelievably irresponsible with money that it boggles my mind. or at the very least engage in behaviors i don't understand.

i can not believe all of the things that i have forgotten about my past.

i'm not sure what i think about global warming. i definitely think that something is happening and that we (humans) have greatly and adversely effected the world. but the extent of it and dire circumstances of it - - - a lot of people seem to be backing off lately about just how bad it is and when we're gonna die :) so anyway, i'm open to arguments to the contrary of the 'inconvenient truth' but not when it comes from dumb asses with observations like - well, it snowed in october and therefore there can't be global **warming**. do just a little bit of reading before you open your d-bag mouth.

i more or less registered today. at the very least i got an infant car seat so we can take the baby home. well, we could except we have no names so - we aren't going to be able tow leave the hospital. oddly i feel like perhaps i didn't do it right - the buying of the car seat that is - because i didn't agonize over it for weeks and research eight thousand different ones etc etc so this is an excerpt of the conversation with my mother at babies r us
me: i'm looking for a mattress pad for the cradle
her: did you see these
me: that's not it that's just a pad that sits on top
her: are you sure? (while she opens it and then lays it out) yeah, see - how is this not a mattress pad, cassie?
me: it doesn't have gathers - to wrap underneath the mattress
her: i don't understand
me: i want the same thing you have for your bed that goes over the mattress and then you put the sheet on top only
her: OH - you want a mattress pad
me: er, yeah, that's why i said i want a mattress pad for
her: but you want it to fit on the cradle
me: right - that would be the part where i said 'for a cradle'
- - - i can't make this shit up

my grandmother loved icecream. carl remarked yesterday that all old people love icecream. i'm going to need to move to vermont in my old age (home of ben and jerry's) - plus, it'll be good when i finally decide to go full on lesbian.

i just spent the last ten minutes trying to find out who first mixed chocolate and caramel. i came up empty but whoever it was - thanks you.

a friend of mine was recently talking to a friend of ours from high school. oddly enough - she and i did not know each other in high school despite knowing many of the same people. anyway, this person told her to say hi and then told her how i was such a pink floyd freak in high school. so funny. i mean i was - i listened to the wall for a couple of months every day. it's just a funny thing to be known or remembered for. i actually remember at the end of senior year writing a poem. the overall sentiment was one of detachment. there was a line 'and even the floyd becomes meaningless'. LOL

we got the bed in the kid's room. dresser will arrive friday along witht he serice guy to look at the damage on the bed. it arrived that way. called them miutes after they had left. but despite the damage i have to say - i loe the bed - i love the set up of the room. and even better - the boy LOVES it; he keeps saying 'i have to go sleep for a little while'

hmm no serial killers this week

sometime after carl and i began dating elliott wrote a poem abut us. in it one of us is described as this massive force - howling and full of . . . something, rage maybe or maybe just full. the poem ends with something like 'along comes another who matches it and we all breathe a sigh of relief'. that is a truly rough summation and i apologize because the poem was actually quite good. regardless of how i might feel about it. as to how i feel about it i suppose any negative reaction is just the feeling of being misunderstood.

my son has taken to telling us all that something is sensible or not sensible. so far he has used it in the correct context though i am still unable to ascertain if he understands what it means

oh how i love horror movies. even though nearly none of them scare me and over half of them are pure trash.

Elliott Edwards RIP

i actually wrote a few paragraphs about elliott's passing but on second thought it seems better to try and put it to words tomorrow. carl got to see him tonight - or what was left him anyway. i have not seen elliott since spring/summer of 2006. it's a difficult thing - what should be said and what should be omitted.

so which one are you sneezy, dopey or douchie

okay - it's three minutes in but already i'm loving this new supernatural.

due to my lack of interesting stuff to write about - i'm thinking that i will start doing subjects. i love researching stuff on the internet so what the hell.

for today's post though - let me tell you this: this child i am carrying is apparently ridiculously huge. gained 2 pounds in three weeks. oh dear. hopefully it will be no more so than malachai, who told me today that he would teach the baby how to play games and stuff.

oh yeah, best . . . supernatural . . . ever! the title of this blog entry is from the show.

oh, and i would have known the kid was gigantic even before the ultrasound. as the date approaches i become more and more certain that being and having and only child is best. oh well. but i would have known because of the strength with which i'm getting my insides kicked out and watching my belly move fromt eh outside.

okay - so starting tomorrow - serial killers? yeah, i think we'll do some serial killer entries.

jello so fresh you can almost hear it neigh

hormones suck

i'm beginning to have a sneaking suspicion that i will go into early labor. unfortunately, perhaps, much earlier than i want. i'm getting a little worried about it, which of course is the worst thing i can do.

so my boys doctor's office got the h1n1 vaccine in - ten doses. he gets one because of the impending baby. now here's a good question; if the swine flu vaccine is just about the drug companies making money - wouldn't they .. . oh, i don't know . .. actually sell it??? so far even most of my pregnant "friends" haven't been able to get them and we are first on the list. and i know all about supply and demand but that concept would dictate that for every hundred people wanting the vaccine they would have say 70 - not 10 per every couple of hundred.

i think i need something to do. not because i have nothing to do but because i have so much going on but most of it is monotonous and horrid so i need somethign that woudl be a distraction. an other. i got nothing though.

i think this time is supposed to be far more joyous.

yeah, this might not be the answer either

so it's a lot earlier than i usually post. and yet - - i haven't a thing to say.

so i guess i'm not tired. i'm boring. i'm definitely bored i'll tell you that. not for shortage of things to do.

there is still no further word on the death of census worker bill sparkman. when i say no further word they still have not determined whether it is a suicide or an accident or a murder. i am still dying to know how a man tied himself to a tree and duct taped his hands and feet and then asphyxiated himself. such total bullshit.

http://ydr.inyork.com/ci_13679014
priest who protests health clinic has been charged with 10 counts of child pornography. no wonder he doesn't want abortions to take place - cuts down on the number of kids.

alright that's enough curmudgeonism (i know it's not a word) from me.

definitely have to start this earlier in the day

by this time of night i have absolutely nothing to say. i've either said it or my head is swarming and i don't really feel like trying to articulate.

i have seven weeks to go before the baby hits. between work and the house i should have time to breath. i think i will be fine if i learn to take my dumb ass to bed and get something close to eight hours a day. starting . . . .. now.