this is the year

this is the year we won't talk about the horror of the holidays. this is the year you won't tell me how much your family sucks and oh, the laughs we would have had over my in laws. i don't meant big and mirthful but in the back of the throat and suppressed in the chest - the way we did. this is the year that we won't talk about seasonal affection disorder and whether we have it or not. this is the year that . . . well, this is the year that i go it alone.

i wish for you that you are at peace. i wish for you that, seasonal affection disorder has given way to eternal spring. i wish for you that the pain that haunted you is no more.

but if those things aren't possible then know how i hate you for leaving me all by myself.

like waves

i woke up this morning vaguely content and irritated at the same time. lay in bed letting my body wake up first. feel of poofy comforter - check; roll head off flannel pillow to cool cotton - check; push hair out of face - check. all the while letting my consciousness bubble up. no need to go shaking it by the shoulders. as i said, i'm vaguely content but also a little irritated and i'd like to try to end up on the sunny side of this equation. my eyes open - i feel good; scratchy throat haven't been drinking enough water but overall pretty good. what was the irritation i wonder. oh, right, i've had another dream about him. and the dream itself was only mildly irritating. but then that's the way our time together often was - lots of love but mildly irritating. but the irritation comes from having to remember he's dead. to have linked and spoken with him - spent time together in my brain only to have to tell myself he's dead. if i repeated any other phrase as often as i have said "gideon is dead" in the last few months it would become meaningless. no such luck.

in the dream we were getting ready to go; i was driving - a motorcycle. that piece didn't even hit me until a full half hour later.

just because i said i would

so, nanowrimo. i "failed". i did about 25k words. i say about because part of the story was an im conversation - so it counts but they weren't new words.

here's what i learned. i made a mistake with my subject matter. i chose to write about gideon's death. which was fine at first. until i reached that stage of grieving where i just couldn't think about it any more. also, it was too recent.

however, i also learned that pushing the words out isn't that hard. further ifyou pushed enough poop out eventually you will get some little bright spots of elegance.