crazy womb

so that chick - the one with the 14 kids. these were frozen embryos - their storage time was up - so pay for more storage; donate or destroy. that's a normal person's options. well, or try to have a baby although ya know after six i'm not sure you should have any more naturally let alone with fertility treatments. but legally it's a problem who is going to be in charge of drawing that line? i mean some people don't think you should do any fertility treatments. hell, i struggled for years about whether i thought it was appropriate to have children naturally. there are so many kids already here who need a good home; we have an overpopulation problem etc etc. and i know one person (albeit a freaking nutcase) who believes that there should be forced sterilization.

so there's a woman i went to high school with - her son died. he was no more than a year old. my grandmother had two stillborns and a baby that lived for 2 or 3 days and then died BEFORE her three surviving children. the woman i went to school with is openly grieving on facebook (that isn't supposed to sound judgemental). she has started a group to raise awareness for congenital heart defects. to the best of my knowledge my grandmother barely talked to her friends about it and got pregnant again. she certainly never started a spina bifida awareness group. i just find it interesting - the contrast which i think has more to do with the times than with the people.on the one hand my grandmother's generation stifling all that pain / on the other handwe have almost made trauma the end of everything. again not a criticism. if anything happened to malachai i'm nearly certain i would kill myself. i only say nearly because i'm not sure i would even have the energy to do it. is it faith? is that alone what has made the difference?

oh kim - did i mention that i have a present for you??

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

it's all scoot's fault

this whole blog for that matter but more to the point my current dilemma. i got an invite to sign a petition that is backed by autism speaks. the petition is to push for insurance companies to have to provide speech therapy etc. to children with autism. so scoot has insisted that autism speaks is the bureaucratic arm of the antichrist but the bill seems right on. ultimately i think i am going to sign it. it's a petition for legislation not becoming part of the group. for that matter the truth is i haven't checked out scoot's take on the group so for all i know i could disagree with him. nothing personal mark, i almost never take anyone's word on anything without doing my own research; particularly if they are emotional on the subject. i agree with the petition both in terms of what insurance companies should be doing and what would be nice for taxpayers to not be doing. but what i don't agree with about the petition is that it should extend beyond autism - children born with any brain disorder that requires speech therapy private insurance doesn't cover.

so there's that. i've started back on buffy. this time i'm gonna watch the extras and special features etc. and goddess help someone if dollhouse sucks. i will not be amused. sarah michelle was pretty hot at the beginning when she used to eat.

speaking of eating. i'm really annoyed with being fat. and i understand that some of you - well, all of you are going to tell me i'm not fat. some of you will tell me that cuz you believe it and some cuz that is what you are supposed to say. but i'm not fishing for anything. i'm telling you what is truly going on in my head. i feel like i got stuck in someone else's body and i can't get out.

you know i keep thinking of things to write on a random list - ever since i wrote that first one. i'll just be walking along and think - - -so i figure i'll do another one - just here and not necessarily until 25 oh, did i forget to mention that my plan was to sit here for at least an hour and try to come up with shit to say? it was going to be longer than an hour but the inlaws will be here tomorrow so i have osme shit to do before they arrive. i could tell you more about the inlaws but i really don't want to get my blood boiling again. speaking of which david boreanaz ohhhhhhhhhhh he's hot now but by Brighid! back then he was just . . . well, he shoulda come with his own spoon . so that's where i'll start my list - only this one will be a little more stream of consciousness

1. i almost never have linear dreams and other than this one i never have dreams about famous people. however, i did have one where i was marrying (okay; too funny - joss whedon just told me i have too much time on my hands becasue i'm watching the commentary) anyway i was marrying david but then i had to ask if he was really a vampire and he got really mad and so i asked james marsters who also got mad but then they started calling each other angel and spike and no one would answer me. and we never did get to the sex goddamn it

2. and on the subject of dreams i had a dream at the end of june (2008) it was gideon and i - we were idk like we were when we were 16. i had forgotten all about that dream except that the universe is very funny. see, i keep ending up being directed to emails from or to him. when i stumbled on that one i was looking for a work email. someone wanted to know if i had received an email back in june of 08 and where do i click as i'm scrolling down "ok i'm curious" - - no, i'm not saying that now that was gideon's response to my email that i had a dream about him.

3. when i was eight or nine we got news that my mother's friend's son had died. i had visited him a year or two before. we made out - yes, really, decided we would get married. sure we were little. but a year or so later i wrote to ask him (and my mom wrote his mother) if he could come visit. we got the letter back that he died of a brain tumor. he asked for me while he was dying. i spoke to him - his ghost, whatever. i still think about him and think my son talked with him; maybe still does. and yeah, whatever, i'm crazy / don't care

4. i am a really good (i've heard great) cook and i love all sorts of food with nearly no hang ups / dislikes and yet cereal and sandwiches are things i crave all the time.

5. in college a group of friends called me scooter because they said i looked like scooter from the muppet show

yeah, so it's a good jump starter but i'm bored of it. plus, once again, my hip is hurting.

so thursday or wait, yeah, thursday went to my little new agey shop. two things - well, maybe more but let's start there. first of all there was this woman in there talking about how her nephew is one of the indigo children. it's one of those usher in the new age - - whatever. i don't want to debate its reality or lack there of mostly cuz i don't know much about it but my point is her nephew is a year old and she is basing this on having seen a blue light when he was born. i believe in the other; i believe there is more here and what your intuition tells you etc etc but good lord people. not that her thinking that is the problem - the problem is she wants to do something about it - direct the kid's life around it. just makes me mental.

anyway, what i really wanted to tell you ws that i found this book "refuse to choose" by barbara sher. the idea is that there is a pesonality type / people that are drawn to do just one thing. we'll see - i'll keep you updated. it felt perfect. i also bought a book on soul retrieval. oh and kim i bought you a present.

so, yeah, no coherence but it's not depressing either and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

kim's trying to kill me

kim asked when i would talk about gideon - thanks kim - energy nearly spent. i don't allow much time to dwell there it's um . . . yeah, anyway.

you're right about tv kim - except i am not trying to kill brain cells. i am trying to drown them. fill my brain with images that i either have no attachment to or that are only metaphores for my own feelings. and subterfuge my feelings with someone else's . hmm, i don't know if subterfuge is the right word there . . .

doesn't help that my fucking hip has not stopped hurting for days now.

kim is right about me not having any obligation to keep you people entertained. still i hate doing this kind of post. i like to entertain people. hell, i like to entertain myself. and i swear i'll work at it. but there'll be a few more that stink of . . . well this. cuz kim's right; can't avoid it forever - it's eating me which means you're gonna have to hear about it mostly cuz ya'll love me (even if ya don't know it yet) but

Alos . . I can kill you with my brain

look they got boy whores

another fantastic joss quote

thought y'all might be interested in this clip. plus i am on a mission to convert ya :) a little back story is that the girl is supposed to be slightly psychic



anywhooo - i'm drained. anger and sorrow . . . if only they sat like knots in my stomach instead of dripping off of me / swirling around me so my aura is like edward gorey drew pigpen. so i've stuffed it down with frozen yogurt and i got not the energy for coherence.

politics - i will preface this with a free admission that i need to do more research BUT i find it hysterical that republicans are now saying we don't want to join in a bail out now that it is under a democratic president when not even a quarter ago they were fucking bail out central. but hell if nothing else so far i'm happy just to see he's doing something. cuz some mickey mouse repairs beats the shit out of sitting on our asses watching the house fall down around us.

when the hell did all the daydreaming i did as a kid turn into wallowing. suppose it doesn't matter either way it's wasted energy. neither one gets a damn thing done. still i miss hope, even if it was foolish. i have expended energy on . . .

so this weekend i will be reading through the what do i have to do for teacher cert. but don't get too excited scoot - got something else to do first.

mmmm peppermint tea

so yeah, i have been staring for a while now and i got nothing to say. i suppose maybe i should stop watching firefly since the last two shows someone died and this one someone is going crazy. if it all wasn't so damned funny.

alright maybe the blogs are wearing / hell maybe my mind is wearing because i am trying to avoid truth because it is depressing but at least it has energy. i'll have to think about which way i want to depress you :)

the postal service is thinking about / threatening to shut down one day of mail delivery. is that supposed to be the scariest of news that we have heard??

well, i'm sure you have whiplash from the non-sequiturs i keep throwing at you

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

LUSH

ha! you were seduced by the title weren't you!? ha! lush is just a soap shop. twelve years ago it was in london and they didn't have any "stateside stores". the stuff is fantabulous.

so i had a million thoughts in my head - something about turkey sausage is all i remember. but everything got hijacked by the beginnings of a poem. a bad poem but a poem nonetheless

we talked our endless talks
skirted the issue of love
we held each other's hearts
but lacking proper courage
- - -then there is a line or two about the word never

so i have moved on to firefly. made my way through angel. i watched all but the last one. the last isn't really my favorite anywya. i was highly diappointed with how it ended. there are a little more than two weeks to dollhouse. i guess i will watch the interviews / special features.

sorry this is so short but i got home late and i'm running out of time / tomorrow should be longer i will be home most of the day

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

25 Random Things

i'll post my list here for those of you that i didn't 'tag' on FB. but mostly my point in bringing it up is to say that i can't believe how long it took me to come up with that list. talking about overthinking things.

i have one more angel episode left ot watch. then i will move onto firefly. if it isn't quite time for dollhouse then i will be forced to buy dr. horrible. oh, joss, i too would gladly get anorexia for you. hell, i could use a good case of anorexia as it is.

so i thought that little bulletin i got from someone i work with about foca said obama (hosannah obama!) was signing the bill today so i went to try to look up that little tidbit and um . . . well, who the fuck knows because there is not one single article that isn't by the anti-choice crowd.

i think i have decided to go for my teaching certificate. it isn't exactly what i want to do but it's closer. more flesh on that later - it took me this fricking long to get that out of my mouth.

also, be fairly warned, i have held off nearly as long as i can - a gideon post is imminent.

here are my 25 things:

1. at first blush i can think of nothing . . . hmmmm - oh! i tend to use phrases like 'at first blush' and get made fun of for it :)
2. i was born in honolulu, hawaii - a month late
3. i have had three songs (that i know of ) written about me
4. at 13 i woke out of a dead sleep and wrote my first (non-assignment) poem and have been writing them ever since
5. i have been collecting barbies and barbie paraphernalia since i was 14
6. an infected piece of hardware nearly cost me my life / leg - two years in and out of the hospital and i got off with just massive scarring
7. as a kid i took the expression that the devil sat on your left shoulder fairly seriously and went through a phase where i tried not to use my left hand. i know someone else who did the same thing!
8. despite being an *uber*religious kid, by the time i hit second grade i refused to say under god when i recited the pledge of allegiance in school
9. i thought the words to america the beautiful were "god shed his blood on thee" - - that's what happens when catholicism and patriotism mix
10. i have dressed in drag
11. i would like to work in a capacity that gives me the opportunity to make children feel safe
12. i once avoided being jumped by pretending to be a devil worshiper
13. i did not have an epidural when i gave birth to my son and most people greet that information with a look reserved only for the unforgivably insane
14. i often know in advance / have dreams that someone is going to die
15. i was born with extra nipples. when the doctor told me, at the age of seven, that this was proof we evolved from animals i spent a few months convince i was the missing link on the darwinian chart
16. i have a touch of ocd - heavy on the o and the d ; not so much on the c
17. twice i have gotten down on one knee and serenaded someone on the dance floor just for shits and giggles
18. i love word games and logic puzzles
19. i came ridiculously close to being attacked by wild boar while lost in the mountains in italy
20. i have a cleft chin but neither of my parents do
21. i got my first period on july 4th and i remember this because at the barbecue my parents had champagne and a cake that said "congratulations cassie"
22. i like to make people laugh and feed them
23. i have a childlike (maybe childish) attachment to 'fairness'
24. i was a vegetarian for the better part of a decade but it was not a moral decision
25. when i was little i wanted to be a performer - an actress, dancer or a christian pop singer - yes, i said christian pop singer

oh and 26.
Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

damn

well, that was sent at 12.01

i started this post and then drifted . . .

i'm still counting it though so tttthhhhpppttt :) after all it's blog365 not 365 in a row. j/k i know i effed up but i still thinkt here's value in pursuing it.

we had "christmas" today with my dad and stepmother. my kid is going to be so confused about xmas. he keeps getting presents from people. and there are still a few more at my mother's. next year will be disappointing for him .

so the double date was good. it was nice. nothing particularly intereesting to report. i made my phone call /got voice mail and haven't called again yet. sigh. very sad.

there was a show on npr today oxford style debate as to whether or not george w. was the worst president of the last 50 years or maybe more. i only caught the very end of it. i'm going to have to pull it up on the npr site. karl rove was arguing the con.

carl has been coughing like he's going to die soon for a day or so. is he asleep - no, no he's not. good gravy.

well, that's it - kiskis - be good and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

frick

i think i just missed it

people in gas houses

shouldn't practice candle magic.

so we are headed out on the aforementioned double date. and in the shower it occurs to me. everything i want to talk to my friend about we can't really do in front of the (and i use the term loosely here) men. so this oughta be fun.

speaking of which i think i understate my lack of correspondence. a friend of mine called me last week - someone i have actually been waiting to hear from for a while. we were supposed to get together before the holidays and then things got all jumbled yadda yadda and so i keep meaning to call him back and i don't. he called again today and said he has some news. so either someone else we know is dead or he and his wife are finally preggers. i have no reason at all to not call him back and yet, i can barely bring myself to do it. in fact, as yet, i haven't brought myself to do it. sigh. i'm anxious just thinking about making the call. wtf is that all about??

last night i was up with the kid for like three hours. i have no idea what his problem was. he was crying and just totally out of sorts. i can nearly count the times since he has been born that he has been up like that at night. and to all you out there who's kids are like that all the time. good goddess you have my heartfelt sympathies. not that it was a big deal but i imagine if i had to do it all the time i might think otherwise.

i vaguely remember reading - on kim's blog? - about kid's following you into the bathroom while you're trying to poop. yeah, well, have ya ever tried to while a kid is sitting on your lap. i'm just saying is all.

the kid is at his gam-gam's tonight so hopefully there isn't a repeat performance.

alright - i'm gonna make this damned phone call. if we get home before midnight maybe i will do more later. let you know how the big scary phone call went. if not be good - enjoy your night

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

psychokinesis

is that so much to ask for? if i only had it.

so yep - more messiah points. obama has put the freedom back in the foia (freedom of information act). bush had changed the language of it so that you had to prove that you really needed / were worthy of a piece of information before you would be given that information. now the government has to prove that giving the information out provides a definable and imminent threat. it's like what's that thing a democratic government is supposed to have . . . oh, right transparency and full disclosure. and with those words cheney is having his 150th heartache.

so we just found out today that my son's aformentioned best friend will be going to a new center. poor little dude. malachai not the other kid. oh, and praise, well, obama, i guess - this morning i went in to get the nipper and he had his diaper off and said i want to go poopie and we went and did that. hoooray. course he would have nothing to do with the potty for the remainder of the day but hell, we are the penultimate beggars in this scenario. i'm almost certain the child will be off to college in a giant diaper. i've thought about pointing out to him that if he wore underwear instead of a diaper he would have much better / more consistent access to his penis. as it is bathes are beginning to take longer and longer.

oh and now, thanks to his father, he laughs maniacally and says "is that a willy". fantab. OH, and apparently he learned something new at school today. he sticks his finger up his nose - says tasty and puts it in his mouth. how exciting our days are becoming. my parents used to threaten to sell me to the gypsies . . . do they still have gypsies? i could threaten to sell him to brad and angelina.

we are going on a double date tomorrow. by double date i mean, i'm going out with my friend and carl is going to hang with her husband but we'll probably all be sitting at the same table. they recently got a live in nanny and found out that they get one night a month to go out as part of the financial deal. and as she put it - they don't want to go out together to which i chimed in "that's a waste of a perfectly good babysitter". seems to be a lot of that sentiment going around lately.

very exciting news - i think i will be seeing the pogues TWICE this year!!! once in boston and once in atlanta. we are going to south carolina to see my uncle and i am going to north carolina to visit and old college friend - very exciting. and hopefully squeeze ina little trip to richmond to see another college friend.

alrighty, i must go write a few emails. i am so behind in my communiques it's a wonder i still have any friends. must be my devilish grin. that and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

makes me crazy

just not in the good way. the man is . . . . . grrrrrr!!

point in fact everywhere i look people are trying to aggravate me beyond what i have the capacity to hold. i could just nearly burst with aggravation.

when i was eleven we bought a house. well, i mean, i didn't buy it - my parents. they decided to put an addition on the house. my mother good lord that woman never met a house she couldn't remodel. seriously, she lives in a condo now - one of those brownstone type thingies - each one same layout. except her's. she knocked down a wall. anyway, i digress. in this case they were knocking down the whole back of the house. they gave me a sledge hammer. it was fantastic. i dream about it now. i close my eyes now and see that. and no kim, it isn't the same - in my scenario no one is getting their head bashed in.

so instead, i eat. at the moment i am eating yogurt covered pretzels. which are relatively good for you. i don't really eat crap all that often but the funny thing is that if you eat enough good food you still become a fat ass.

good goddess this is a depressing blog. sorry, i am on the precipice of change and it's making me irritable.

um, on an up note guantanamo prison is closing HOORAY!! how's that for some good news. i know some of those people are probably scary scary but we don't deal with scary by acting above the law. a return to law. so far the man is racking up the messiah points.

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

too freaking funny

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090122/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_oath_do_over

FRICK! the president gets a do over!! :)



so the boy said the sweetest thing. i bought him paints and he was painting and told me he was painting a boy who had a hat and was walking with his feet and yadda yadda - never stops talking - then the boy was on a seesaw, the boy was malachai and he was on the seesaw with matty. matty is his friend from school. he tells stories about him all the time. course all his stories go like this, "matty said; NO, i'm two, and YOU'RE three" and i say, oh, what did you tell matty "i said; NO, i'm TWO and YOU're three" which is to say basically his stories are about them bickering. but he loves him. so much so that he has moved to the preschool room and the only problem he has had adjusting is missing matty. so anyway, while he is drawing this picture of him and matty on the seesaw he says "matty is my best friend" it makes my heart strings tug just to type it. i mean, obviously, someone used that phrase with him but it doesn't make it any less true or less freaking adorable.

so i have to go look into this limbaugh thing. he says he hopes obama fails. and everyone has their panties in a twist over it. and I hahahahahahahahahHATE rush limbaugh (only one who is worse is that sanctimonious BITCH ann coulter) but nonetheless some of obama's plans are just completely democratic and if you are a republican why would you want to see them succeed. but then on the other you should want them to succeed in the sense that it will mean our country succeeds. so i don't want to look into it to see how i feel about rush limbaugh. the man is a the second worst kind of liar - a hypocrite and he's malicious. - -drug addicts should be forced into hard labor unless of course they are big mounthed fat asses stealing prescription meds.

my tolerance for intolerance is slim at best.

holy crap!! i just realized i didn't listen to the dollhouse thing. crap i hope it's still on!! gotta go - if it's still on i'll come back and tell you all about it. but if you still are looking for some entertainment might i suggest http://www.imdb.com/media/rm89426432/nm0244630 five by five indeed!!

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

i have got to start doing this earlier

i always have a lot to say in the middle of the day and by this point i'm, well, friggin tired. i suppose the fact that we spent over an hour doing divination at witchcraft class might have something to do with it.

i taught my son how one stands for the anthem and he swayed to the music. oh, and speaking of music i can not believe they played lord of the dance right before he took oath. i mean yeah, i'm hopeful about the guy but good gravy. for those of you who don't know - lord of the dance is about jesus for those you that don't know. here are the lyrics

I danced in the morning when the world was young
I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun
I came down from heaven and I danced on the earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

I danced for the scribes and the Pharisees
They wouldn't dance, they wouldn't follow me
I danced for the fishermen James and John
They came with me so the dance went on

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

I danced on the Sabbath and I cured the lame
The holy people said it was a shame
They ripped, they stripped, they hung me high
Left me there on the cross to die

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

I danced on a Friday when the world turned black
It's hard to dance with the devil on your back
They buried my body, they thought I was gone
But I am the dance, and the dance goes on

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

They cut me down and I leapt up high
I am the life that will never, never die
I'll live in you if you'll live in me
I am the Lord of the dance, said he

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

i mean realy people - as i said; really cool guy obama but WTF - no wonder people mock the whole messiah thing.


at current i am doing all things in mediocrity or in a sense of just barely holding on. never quite relaxing; never getting quite enough done. it's very frustruating and truly must come to an end shortly. i could use another week this week. or to not need to sleep for a week or inspiration or something.

also my ear is snap crackle and popping grrrrrrrr

my cynicism is breaking down

i must admit. i'm feeling a little choked up. it's the truth. forget the politics. i mean, yeah, i am hopeful about what obama can do - so sue me. if i don't have some hope at this point i might actually fall apart. but anyway forget about the current state of politics and what might or might not become of the economy; our union yadda yadda - - - okay, wait, one more thing on that. listen up folks, we are a very very young country and the fact that we haven't previously fallen apart at the seams and rebuilt ourselves already is incredible. alright, really, i'm done.

okay, so yeah, all that aside. the significance of this inauguration wells me up. i don't care you can make fun of me all you want. i sorta feel like that's what all the calling him "the messiah" is all about - people trying to dampen the hope that this situation brings. not the politic hope - the hope it means for our culture / our country. the fact is that when this man was born the civil rights act wasn't even existent.

race relations has always been a deep heart issue for me. the fact that this has come to pass leaves me in awe. i was listening to Ta-Nehisi Coates speak today on npr and he said "if you told me this was going ot happen i wouldn't have believed you, i just wouldn't have believed you" (i'm paraphrasing) the point is that is exactly how i feel.

i was wrong. i said this country wouldn't do it. i was however right that the country was more ready for a black man then a woman but i digress. i don't really know how to put it into words. i'm pretty close to overwhelmed. score one for content of character. i'm tempted to just keep on yapping but i don't have the words anywhere in me. not the right ones or enough of them.

i have lost yet something else and i'm getting sick of losing things. i swear something weird is going on here. i usually lose things just long enough to panic and chase them around and finally find them. lately, i wish for that scenario.

and on the subject of race relations happy MLK day! i listened to the MLK speech today. still chokes me up. if you didn't then give it a listen. try to forget the fact that pieces of it have been quoted to death. it's well worth it.

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

here's what blog365 has taught me

only 18 days in and here's what i have learned: i am damned near close to boring. maybe i should do a spell to make me more interesting.

but on a happier note - my head and my house are becoming a bit clearer. and even cooler - my kid and i took a nap together today. he usually isn't in favor of that. he likes his own sleeping space. even when he is sick or upset he will climb into bed with me and snuggle for a short time and then 'i wanna go to my crib'. not that he isn't affectionate - he is very much so and overall i appreciate the fact that he doesn't want to sleep in our bed but every once in a while it's nice.

oh, so andrea - yes, i am doing blog365. stay tuned for more riveting posts on nearly nothing ;)

so for a while we were trying to find a new daycare for him. i think we have settled on staying with his current one. their preschool program seems to be a huge jump from the toddler room in terms of what they do. i found a few pretty good programs i would have considered but they were september through june. i mean what the fuck. so only school teachers or people who don't work can have good care for their children. fantastic.

i'm thinking i should have a boob job.

like a tennis match without the cute skirt

i'm up / i'm down / i'm inspired / i'm the terrible sloth monster from hell

unfortunately i had a gazillion things to say this afternoon and thought that i would commit them to type later on (later being now) but i don't remember a single bit of it now. not a bit.

all this communication is a bit much for me. trying to keep in touch with people; communicating with a (nearly) three year old; work; trying to find a new daycare; trying to communicate with his existent daycare; trying to communicate with the divine for this big year end spell and this blog. oh, and trying to write poetry - well, the chants that i make up and then real; regular poetry. over - - - - - - - - load

the 'rents (dad and stepmother) are coming over tomorrow for xmas so there are many things left to do.

andrea, i hate to say that markie-mark is one of the least crazy 'christians' on the www

and on the subject of christians - imho; a christian is someone who is christ like - lots of folks reading the new testament don't qualify and lots of folks not reading any of it more than

kim yeah, battery operated boyfriend but how 'bout "battery operated baby"?

there is one thing i have learned in the last few days - mark will do pretty much anything for blueberry pancakes. well, that and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

pirate blogging

so i'm gonna make this short because i ended up staying at my mother's and she doesn't have internet - something that i actually just wrote a huge paragraph about but erased cuz i'll be nice to my mom. anyway no wireless in the house so thank you to the person who wasn't smart enough to secure their internet. and unfortunately i found out today that my new phone while it does get facebook does not allow me to sign in to blogger. it shows my posts and a little of the toolbars but won't link into them. so for one year i will have to touch a computer once a day. this may change some travel plans.

i went out with a friend from work tonight. no big just beers/ chit-chat. marc caruso for those of you that know him. he too is beyond frustrated with our company. sigh. just not a good thing. i told him he needs to go strike it rich somewhere so he can hire me. i was hoping we would hit keno (jor is it the keno) and i wouldn't have to think about it either way. but, i actually think i have a plan. came to me in the shower this morning. needs a little ironing out though.

i have had two take out sandwiches today; an order of fries; a clam chowder; half a pb sandwich; a fiber bar thingy and a hot chocolate. oh, and beer. i feel like my belly is going to explode

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

too much too much

i had a very long; very long post but it was as dark as it was long and i'm not in the frame of mind to work out what should be said and what is over the line so i'll save it and hone it for a . . . rainy day?? mmm, maybe a sunny day that i want to make rain.

oh, and kim you think you are cold!!??!! this morning we turned the heat down to about 60 or so as we do. i got home around 5.30 or so. i expected carl around 5.45 so i didn't turn it on cuz as soon as he got here i took the kid drove to my mom's and went to yoga. (oh, and sidenote for you michiganders -yoga is a STARTLING 25 minutes away) carl generally goes to karate around 7.30. so i told him if you don't turn it on now - turn on the heat before you leave. that way it would be warm when we got home. i get home around 9. it's FORTY SOMETHING FUCKING DEGREES. carl didn't go to karate at all. he's upstairs in bed and the heat is completely off. he thought i told him to shut it off. are you fucking kidding me?? this is my world. it would be funny if it wasn't so damned annoying. 2+ hours later with the heat at . . . whatever number is at the end of the dial and it is nearly 65 degrees. oh, there's a heatwave now. coruse, i say near 65 i mean downstairs which means that unless i had shut the vents upstairs it would be 112 up there because the heat regulation in this place suuuuuhhhhhuuucks assssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

i got my new phone today. a blackberry curve. the jury is still out whether i like it or not but what with it being free and all i suppose i shouldn't give too much of a crap. but carl has an iphone and (great big pouty face) i WANT ONE!! the curve takes shitty ass pictures.

OMG - so this woman at work sent out this http://www.socon.ca/or_bust/?p=1471
not that link - the content of it. there are so many thing wrong both with the fact that it was sent out but the content is just crazy. i don't mean just the fact that my opinion is not in line with it. i mean more the part where it is a crap loade of false info. the government forcing abortions?? right. fucking crazy people. i suggested we start a novena to stop the fucking of little boys by grown priests. now that's irony you can sink your teeth into!!

honestly, you know what is the most upsetting thing about the above? that if i sent out it's opposite it would never have flown. i don't blame " the administration " for that. HR would have been happy to take a formal complaint from me. my point is that us commie pinko liberal destroying american godless blahdey blahs really aren't nearly as interested in busting people's balls. i know that woman was only doing what she felt right and if i find it a bit on the hateful side well, hell, everyone has an opinion . . . and an asshole . . . she was just kind enough to show a little of both ;)

my fingers are nearly thawed and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

i mean REALLY!!

so i was checking out the website for dollhouse (joss whedon's new endeavor for those of you not in the know and yes, i'm obsessed with all things joss). it stars eliza dushku - MY eliza. hawt hawt eliza - - only now we can take one of those hawt's out of the equation. apparently she hasn't eaten since "tru calling". don't get me wrong; she still gorgeous but . . . sigh. her and sarah michelle should both take a swing through mickey d's.

finding all those people on facebook set me looking for photos to post and i did that. and in the process found lots of notes / letters and the likes. it's interesting that life isn't always what you think it is or thought it was - how you remember things that is. i mean there is little stuff like i can't believe i wrote and mailed so many letters. i have a whole bunch of letters that say 'i got your letter' etc. it's bizarre. i barely pick up a phone these days. craziness.

i'm still watching angel. now explain to me - they bring it up but never explain it - how can a vampire be caught on film when so many of them use a mirror system?

the boy wanted to play make believe today. he put on my coat and pretended to be momma and i had to pretend to be malachai. then he picked me up and got me bubble water and asked me how my day was . . . hysterical.

so while i thank you for your suggestions i won't be going with 'i can crack walnuts with my thighs' or 'i can turn you into a frog'. at first i thought the walnuts line was a suggestion for what kind of spell i should do.

i may well change it but for the moment i'm going with another joss classic

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain . . .

whoa; hey kim, i just realized it worked!

i did that spell for you and it worked!! i didn't ask for a new house for you because i wasn't sure how to work around all the nooks and crannies of that. so what i wrote out was that i wanted you to have a house with more space (that way left it open to your house or a new house). between your brother and your armoire . . . yay! actually, truth be told in my mind i specifically asked that your brother leave - just didn't write that part down. i know it's not a perfect world but that's not what i asked for.

so the details aren't completely hammered out but i have come up with a spell for my year and a day test. i am going to do a conversion spell. i need to lose weight. also, part of my belief in witchcraft and magic is that it is very closely related to the principals of science. so, operating on the idea that matter can not be created or destroyed - i am going to do a spell to aid in my weight loss and convert the 'mass' into energy that i will use to address getting some shit done. that's where it breaks down a little / the part about what to get done. i'll keep you posted. it's just there are so many things that i would like to do that i feel like there must be some underlying thing - courage; confidence idk something like that.

the other girl - jess had her full moon circle tonight and the working she did was to remove unwanted qualities from ourselves so i'm hoping that will help out with my final spell.

in other news . . . i almost burned down our house today. gave the chicken thighs a little fry before baking them. so then i put them in the oven forgot to turn off the burner put the oven mitt on top of the burner and walked away to watch angel (did i already tell you that carl bought me the angel series?) then it smelled a little burny. at first i thought maybe just a little drip from the chicken. mmm, no wait, the chicken was in a baking dish. hmmm i should get up. thank goddess those things are flame retardant cuz it was burned almost all the way through but not flaming but the smoke was choking me me eyes burned. it was almost scary. would have ben more so if the kid wasn't snoozing.

so back to joss whedon world as all things must eventually come. i just watched an angel episode where buffy comes to town. it's funny; overall i never really liked buffy - the character; not the show. and that's what's weird. i loved the show but the character - kinda blah and not just in the she was the only one i didn't really want to see naked; at least not after season two. i mean really couldn't someone get that bitch a cheeseburger. anywhooooooooo - not only was she kind of blah with slightly annoying mannerisms but she was usually wrong about things. i'm not saying i didn't like her at all but . . .

i have one final question. why am i the only person on earth that actually gets hungry on codeine or similar meds?

ya know, i'm thinking i should have a sign off like booya.

heavy sighs

i spend a lot of time hiding. flash games; television . . . whatever just hiding. for a while i told myself that i just wanted a moment or two alone to clear my head, what have you. but i realize now that i it's just that i can't stand the things going on in my mind. i don't want to spend time with them. and when i am doing anything real i have to be at least somewhat present and again that means that listening to some things i don't want to listen to. that i don't feel ready to handle. and no, i don't just mean the whole death thingy.

oh, speaking of death - here's a funny story: i found a recording of one of the old songs my grandmother sang to me as a baby. it's from the turn of the century so it took a while. anyway i had it sent to my mohter's house directly. i meant to tell her about it before she got it. it arrived a week ago which happened to be 5 or 6 days before the anniversary of my grandmother's death. so my mother gets this package from a small private dealer in macomb, georgia. she freaked. hm i suppose it's not as funny without my mother's expressions to go with it.

well, that was my attempt at levity. i'm just very frustrated. my job; my relationship; my poor mothering blahdey blah blah

i made it through buffy. carl bought me angel so i've started on that.

OH!! WAIT!! i have even better news then that. i bought our pogues tickets today. whooohooo well, for the boston show. we are considering going to the philly and new york shows as well. especcially since i am basically being forced to take 2 weeks of vacation before the end of march. hmmm, there i am back to things that i don't want to think about :)

it's not 20 years ago

which would explain why i have been recovering all day from last night. it was a lot of fun. laugh. a whole night of it. it's particularly warming to be just a step below sister to someone. i did do some venting that i regret but what's done can't be un

the thing with drinking is that the alcohol strips all the vitamins out of your system. in particular that all important, i don't want to kill myself b vitamin. so there's that whole extra dose of unhappy. not to mention the complete lack of brains. which unfortunately leads to bad blogging.

i have absolutely nothing. i'll try for interesting tomorrow. i'm not hopeful though :)

you know it's a special occasion

cuz i'm wearing makeup!!

i am going for a girl's night. to celebrate a friend's 40th. nancy, the birthday girl, was my best friend in high school. we lost touch in 92 or so and resumed communication in like 2003 or so. we don't see each other that often. we email more and more frequently. at this point i feel she is one of my closest friends. the shared history and shared sense of humor help actually i don't think we just have a shared sense of humor - i think we learned it from each other. me, her and her sister who of course will also be there tonight. i also heard a program on npr that connections you make in your teen years are more intense due to biological factors. the program was actually referring to first loves (you think i'm bad - she married hers; they've been together 23 years) but i would say friendships are the same. particularly, when you consider we didn't have a huge group. it was mostly me and her; until it wasn't but that is another story for another day. or not. i like dwelling in the past where we laugh but i have come to a point that i really don't want to rehash any crap with anyone. and THAT theme i will pick up later. right now i am, as usual, well, not quite late but if i don't leave i will be.

hopefully i'll have some good stories tomorrow - or at least a more coherent train of thought

half a blog - for mark

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=44095868605&h=mjzSB&u=UZndz

i read this article. it's good - i think you'll enjoy it mark. i think anyone will but . . .

i actually relate quite a bit to what this guy is saying. it's how i memorize numbers as well. only on a much smaller scale. but i often say certain numbers have a feel; it's not always a feel - sometimes it's a color or a shape (and i don't mean the shape of the number). i'm usually only aware of it though when it comes to trying to remember a number. i'll find myself knowing that it is wrong when i think - no, i remember his number was softer than that or the phone number was more cohesive (meaning the numbers all had a similiar feel to them or went in a progression of color etc)

so maybe it can be harnessed / is in everyone cuz i'm pretty far from autistic or savant.

French - Blech

so - three weeks without yoga is nobody's friend. i finally went back tonight YAY ME my ankle hurts a bit but the rest of me is feeling much better. plus since it was such a small class she went around and adjusted us and stuff and opened my whole spine. mmm delicioso.

one of gideon's friends on facebook put a post on today that she was listening to fire and rain and thinking of him. that song was on the rotation that i listened to after his death but the FIRST time i listened and thought of him (and cried) i was 17. it was my first year of college. we hadn't spoken in nearly a year. i was on the newport cliffwalk completely blotto drunk - yep, it's just as dumb as it sounds - rocks straight drop into the ocean. and at 17 breaking up / being broken hearted is just about next to dead. that was the last time i really thought i would never see him again. there were other time i listened to the song over the years and kinda/sorta thought maybe we wouldn't speak again but i knew eventually . . . . . . so things come full circle i guess, though this isn't what i had in mind when i thought i would like to be 17 again.

yes, i'm processing and all, but my overall point is more this: seeing the connection between how i felt then and how i felt/feel about gideon really drives home the intensity of the teen years. over time you forget how crazy intense those years are. actually to that end - i am looking forward to checking out this http://www.getmortified.com/ you should check it out. i'm thinking about trying out there's no shortage of angsty teen poetry in my archives!! i'm too tired to explain it in much detail and still get to the point that i'm trying to make which is about french . . .

i hate the french language. abhor hearing it spoken. poor carl actually speaks it fairly well and most women would swoon over that but i have forbidden it in the house. and after years of trying to explain how i felt about it - i finally found a way to put it in words: it always sounds like the upper and lower sinuses have come together through the fascist demands of an extraordinarily tight anus to unleash phlegm as a means of communication.

that's what i have to say about that.

i damn near forgotted

so, never did find my keys. had to bite the bullet and get a set made. oh, and while you're at it dealer folks go ahead and do an oil change and inspection sticker. so two keys; two tire; air bag signal thingy; inspection sticker. we're looking at about 500 bucks or so. not to mention the part where i spent a few hours looking for my registraion and the little decal thingie that i never put on the car. are ya sensing a pattern here.

i really hate being such a mess. i would like to just take everything in this house and throw it away and start over. bleh.

i have finally gotten to the musical in the buffy series. such a good episode. and kim, yes, i cried at the scene i posted yesterday but truly just a good piece of writing. i remember thinking so the first time i saw it.

i'm thinking i should do something different with my life - any suggestions?

i did make it to the chiropractor today so while i am still taking a lot of meds i feel a little less like crying.

i truly have not one interesting thing to say.

hmm, does anyone else feel a near burden at facebook. i have found so many people that i was excited to find and now want to keep in touch with but i have always sucked at keeping up with the people who were already in my life.

good goddess, i've whined myself to tears.

speaking of drugs . . . did you know 7up originally had lithium in it? why can't they make soda like they used to???

flattery is the . . . scariest thing my kid can do

so the boy has two beaded necklaces that he found lord knows where - one of them he calls slimey (oscar the grouch's pet worm) and the other beebee (which i think is because it is a fake pearl and he thinks of those as beads but it makes me think of kill bill everytime he says it). well, the last couple of days he's been draping the necklaces over his ears and saying he has earrings, lots of earrings, and that he is momma. and then i have to pretend to be malachai. today he says 'would you like cheerios in a little bowl'. so anyway, all very cute but here's the terrifying thing that i have been thinking about a lot lately . . . we have reached the stage where how we treat and interact with him is only part of the equation and will become increasingly less important. what becomes more and more important is how we act / what we are modelling for him. and frankly, i'm not comfortable with that.

i mean for one thing . . . i have spent the last three days searching for my keys. literally. sigh.

which is why i am cutting this short. but as part of my buffy marathon i offer this - in response to joyce's death anya is asking all sorts of "inappropriate" questions and willow finally gets upset with her and the following ensues:

Willow: Oh my God! Would you just... stop talking? Just... shut your mouth! Please!
Anya: What am I doing?
Willow: How can you act like that?
Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? Is that the helpful thing to do?
Xander: Guys—
Willow: The way you behave—
Anya: Nobody will tell me.
Willow: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!
Anya: (crying) But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.
Willow: ... We don't know... how it works... why.

Even if I wasn't currently . . . ya know . . . this is just so well written.

good thing i don't have anything on my mind.

the devil is in them

so THIS is why details matter. i was watching that movie 'next' (nicolas cage / jessica biel - dude has clairvoyance but only like 30 seconds into the future or 3 minutes - whatever) and in it they tell the old joke of the zen master and the hotdog vendor.

the way they tell it: the zen master asks the vendor to *give* him one with everything.
the way it goes: zen master asks the hotdog vendor to *make* him one with everything.

do you see?? details are important.

i could have forgiven the slip up if they only showed just a little more of jessica biel's butt.

so i guess this blog has a moral too: words have meanings. and if someone could please forward this little blogspot to alanis morrisette that would be lovely.

the moral of the story

rudolph the red nosed reindeer - if you're different people will make fun of you unless of course you can provide something useful to them and then they will like you.  before you give me the whole bah humbug lecture please respect my restraint in not mentioning it until now.  :)

the other story - in egypt under the code of hammurabi if someone were accused of 'unjustly' casting a spell they had a method to test the accusation.  the person who made the accusation had to jump in the river and if he lived that proved his accusation to be true.  moral of the story - learn how to swim and then you can eff with anyone you want. 

course when they started the whole witch killing thing here and in the uk they translated it a little differently.

one of the "witches" that was killed was named sarah good. so if she was the mistress of a household she would have been goodie good.  

my belly hurts.  i don't want to go back to work tomorrow.  the two may or may not be related.

indecision

it seems to reign my life. look around my life and you can see indecision imprinted all over it. the indecision is a giant mixing bowl of laziness, depression and fear; as well as a lack of desire, conviction, imagination or natural talent. let me clarify; i'm not saying i lack those things altogether - this isn't a pity party (but stay tuned you won't find a shortage of that here) - i just lack them in sufficient enough quantity to override the bullshit that holds me back. i'd say the fear is the primary driver which i understand is startling to a lot of people but i'm pretty much afraid of nearly everything. i mean not like expressing my opinion or physical attack or anything like that. but any sort of risk. particularly any sort of move that lacks security and / or my parents would frown on. yes, my parents - the mix of the parents that exist out here and the parents that exist in my head. OH and committment - lack of committment.

so maybe my spell should have something to do with that or one of those. i did like scoot's suggestion but the problem with his suggestion and mine is that i am supposed to document it's success (or lack thereof) and i'm not sure how . . . we'll see

i'm on buffy season four. friggin hilarious. "turns out, i suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse." there isn't one in case you were wondering.

the fat conductor

the boy watches thomas the train. it's actually not bad and the episodes where george carlin narrates are pretty damned cool to watch just because of that very fact. anyhoo, the . . . um, i don't know what the hell is - the dude who runs the train yard is called sir topham hat. i was recently told however, that in england they called him 'the fat conductor'. the person who told me that said it was because of the whole political correctness thing. maybe. but my theory is that they don't want americans to know what they call fat. because by our standards the fat conductor is downright svelte.

i have to do a spell. for the end of my witchcraft 101 - year and a day committment. supposed to pick something in my life and work on it magically - one spell or many any type of magic(s) my choice. any suggestions?

and away we go

so i committed and so . . . day 1. i suck at follow through BUT this is the year i have decided to suck less at a great number of things so who knows maybe i will pull it off.

i don't intend to write about him 24/7 but i found myself thinking of gideon again today. and believe me - i try not to. when i start i literally just push it out of my head and say 'no, i will thik about that / feel that later. then it creeps up on me. i was reading a book and it talked about smelling the clothes of someone that they were never going to see again. when my grandmother first died the smells of her things were so comforting. and after gideon died i wished i had something of his. bleh. honest to goddess this isn't my reaction to all deaths.

moving along. my body has been in horrible pain for weeks. i am still emotionally recovering from the holidays. i have gained weight and everything is in horrid disorder. and yet, i feel optimistic. bizarre, no?

i do though, i feel a positive turn of events coming along. what's not to love about this year so far - i've been watching buffy for days now - the series was an xmas present to myself. i always get myself the best gifts!!

this is the year

this is the year we won't talk about the horror of the holidays. this is the year you won't tell me how much your family sucks and oh, the laughs we would have had over my in laws. i don't meant big and mirthful but in the back of the throat and suppressed in the chest - the way we did. this is the year that we won't talk about seasonal affection disorder and whether we have it or not. this is the year that . . . well, this is the year that i go it alone.

i wish for you that you are at peace. i wish for you that, seasonal affection disorder has given way to eternal spring. i wish for you that the pain that haunted you is no more.

but if those things aren't possible then know how i hate you for leaving me all by myself.

like waves

i woke up this morning vaguely content and irritated at the same time. lay in bed letting my body wake up first. feel of poofy comforter - check; roll head off flannel pillow to cool cotton - check; push hair out of face - check. all the while letting my consciousness bubble up. no need to go shaking it by the shoulders. as i said, i'm vaguely content but also a little irritated and i'd like to try to end up on the sunny side of this equation. my eyes open - i feel good; scratchy throat haven't been drinking enough water but overall pretty good. what was the irritation i wonder. oh, right, i've had another dream about him. and the dream itself was only mildly irritating. but then that's the way our time together often was - lots of love but mildly irritating. but the irritation comes from having to remember he's dead. to have linked and spoken with him - spent time together in my brain only to have to tell myself he's dead. if i repeated any other phrase as often as i have said "gideon is dead" in the last few months it would become meaningless. no such luck.

in the dream we were getting ready to go; i was driving - a motorcycle. that piece didn't even hit me until a full half hour later.

just because i said i would

so, nanowrimo. i "failed". i did about 25k words. i say about because part of the story was an im conversation - so it counts but they weren't new words.

here's what i learned. i made a mistake with my subject matter. i chose to write about gideon's death. which was fine at first. until i reached that stage of grieving where i just couldn't think about it any more. also, it was too recent.

however, i also learned that pushing the words out isn't that hard. further ifyou pushed enough poop out eventually you will get some little bright spots of elegance.

ouch

i miss my friend. i just do.

NaNoWriMo

"National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30."

so that's what i'm doing. i'm telling you this because you are supposed to tell people. basically so that you are shamed into actually doing it :) do not expect to read this thing. i will tell you if i actually write it but no editing is supposed to take place until after it is written and well . . . don't expect to read it is all

now that's some funny shit

one down two to go

this is one of the songs my grandmother used to sing me. they say even as a very small baby i would cry whenever she sang it. she had a mesmerizing timber.

The time was in June,
The bees humm'd a tune
The perfume of rose fill'd the air,
When just o'er the way,
Sat a baby one day,
All alone and so one one seem'd to care,
But one passer by,
Turn'd and look'd with a sigh,
At the tears and the eyes swollen red,
Then close to her breast,
The young darling she press'd,
And tenderly to her she said,

[CHORUS]
Won't you come over to my house,
Won't you come over and play,
I've lots of playthings, a dolly or two
We live in the house 'cross the way,
I'll give you candy and sweet things,
I'll put your hair in a curl,
Won't you come over to my house,
And play that you're my little girl.

Perhaps you don't know,
That not long ago,
These toys I am giving to you,
Were my little girls,
Yes, my one little Pearl's,
And her eyes were like yours, large and blue,
But one night I found,
That the angels came 'round,
And they took her way up to the sky,
So don't stay away,
But come over each day,
Or you'll make your new Mama cry,
The title is: Won't you come over to my house

Written: 1906
Words by Harry H. Williams (1872-1922)
Music by Egbert Van Alstyne (1882-1951)

Increduility

What’s really bothering me at the moment is that I can’t remember the five stages of death or grief or whatever the fuck. I know there is anger; denial; bargaining and acceptance. There is a fifth one but for the life of me . . . is it increduility? I know it isn’t but that could easily be one and it’s different then denial because it isn’t so much that I don’t believe it; I’ve passed that point a little while ago. Like when the phone rang and it was his brother calling from his phone and I thought HE was calling to tell me it was all a big fuck up; that it was a cruel joke or that it was his dad and not him or I don’t even know what.

There’s a song that keeps going through my head: you’re in my heart, you’re in my soul . . . so what, it’s rod stewart, now you know I’m cheesey. And he is; always has been since I was fifteen and accosted him in the hall for his phone number. Contrary to what people say it isn’t like that piece of your soul dies – it’s far more painful than that. For every part of your soul that is alive there is a touch stone on the outside. Beauty is a part of your soul and anytime you need to bring that part out there are trees or flowers, poetry or music; whatever it is that is your touchstone.

So pumping and beating alongside my heart; wedged in my soul are all the times we connected; all our conversations; growing up together; fighting; the chemistry that danced and bounced between us tangibly and sometimes annoyingly. That is all still there but I have no touchstone. That’s all I can bear to say for now.

that'll teach those lying whores

you want shocking. when palin was mayor of wasilla (sp?) rape victims had to pay for their own swab kits.

that'll teach ya to get raped.

yep, bob barr is borg

so, i have already presented some views on libertarianism in general in response to some political discussions with scooter. so today i started perusing bob barr's personal views and record - holy hypocritical bs batman!!

everything barr did and said and supported while in office is in direct violation of the principles of libertarianism. which i suppose is why he's disavowed all of them. changed his mind about everything in less than a decade - well, boy howdy! that seems trust worthy (insert sarcasm here). i suppose i could buy that a bit more if maybe he had some sort of life altering event or came out and said "i was a giant fathead. "

course maybe i'm just prejudiced cuz there is one thing he doesn't seem to have revoked and that is his attacks on witchcraft. and in the spirit of full disclosure let me say that he only opposed it in the military and that was because the military attempts to train " "moral soldiers," he said, "and we have always been a country that recognizes that moral foundation as coming from God--not from a tree, not from a blade of grass, not from the sun, but from God. If people want to go out on their own and worship trees or grass or the sun, they can do that. But I don't think it's appropriate for our military to say we won't draw any lines or set any standards about what people can do with military sanction." " which at it's best shows complete lack of understanding of my religion; at its worst is the type of language on which religious persecution is built.

now, perhaps you think that is overly sensitive of me so, let's just say i don't want to hire a someone who holds "the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree"

so even if he wasn't a stinking opportunistic liar - i'd still be forced to say - fuck 'im; fuck 'im in his ear

my personal feelings aside; i called him borg because just like a democrat or a republican barr has changed his views to make himself more electable. how unique.

fantastic craftsmanship

post for scooter . . . and chris

first there's this video from one of my favorite tv shows.

but mostly i wanted to tell you that carl and i were talking and he told me that it has become fashionable and a selling point for stock brokers to list on their resumes that they have a touch of asperger's syndrome (which i just misspelled at first - and earlier today i couldn't spell agamemnon - i think i'm losing it)

also interesting blogger's spell check doesn't recognize asperger's

anyway, i wanted to tell you that and i also wanted to take that and chris' comment on my post and suggest that we start an ocd cleaning company. i would hire them.

you can't teach an old dogma new tricks - dorothy parker

first of all, before i forget yet again, Andrea - every time i see those new BK commercials with the cow chasing a guy who is eating chicken i think of you. as i said before i don't really have a moral issue with eating meat but it's a bit much that a cow is pissed you are eating a chicken sandwich?

but that's not why i'm here - i'm here to say that bugs don't belong in houses. i don't have a really big problem with bugs per se when they are OUTSIDE where they soooo belong. that said i think we have won the war of the fleas and are down to very tiny battles.

when i lived in KCMO, hereafter referred to as "God's Taint" and as stated in previous post that would be _your_ god not mine . . . mine has no taint :)

this god is your god, this god is my god
from the mighty sun ra, to thor's hammer
from red-haired brighid, to the christ messiah
this god was made for me and you

thank you - thank you very much i will be here . . . well, idk, for a while.

anyhoo, let me return you now to God's Taint. during part of my time served i lived on a streetnamed locust - best i can tell it was thusly named because that was the only bug we DIDN'T have in the house. course at that time i was well, sorta out of it headed into my nervous breakdown. that's about the only thing that kept me from losing it altogether. here's a little trick i learned though - bowl or plate of soapy water with a light right over it = flea trap.

so here's another thing that annoys me - when people say we have to save the planet. no, people, we really don't - what we have to save is our own asses. the planet like anything else seeks equilibrium and if we are the thing in the way of that then we will be the thing removed. capice?

you may be OCD if . . .

you feel compelled to blog about your new floor/rug steam cleaner. OMG i am sooooo in love with this thing. not to mention horrified at just how fricking dirty things are. i've cleaned all these floors often and recently and yet ewwww . . . otoh, it's a little troublesome cuz today i was in a room that yesterday i steam cleaned and there was some dust on the floor and i could sorta feel myself compelled to redo the whole house. hmm, yeah, it's probably best i leave this subject be - i am one very tiny word away from going full on crazy pants on this one.

so first of all, how come i changed the title of my blog and it doesn't show up as changed on y'all blogrolls

next - where the hell is chris?

okay so, i had to go to a christianing this past sunday. not only did i have to go but i had to stand in for one of the godmother's (twins) . yippee skippeee so i almost fell outta the fricking pew when up walked three altar girls and two women lecterns. i was tempted to turn to the family and say 'y'all are still catholic, right?'

then the priest says "he could heal the sick, cure any illness" or something like that but he said it in a singsongy way that was QUITE reminiscent of King Missile's 'jesus was way cool'. which reminds me i don't know if mark was implying that i should feel badly about jesusdressup.com but as a recovering catholic and a member of a religion from whose roots most of the bibles stories were pilfered . . . if i can laugh at my religion then you can laugh at yours!

all of which i thought of because it's been a long time since i was in a church and once again i was struck by the fact that there is a half naked man dripping blood with his ribs hanging out. is this a religion or a sadomasochism convention? i mean, quite honestly the frank and shocking depiction of suffering is very old school pagan. even us heathens tend to try and steer clear of the gratuitous gore these days. and i understand that it's something to remind us that 'christ died for our sins' but best i can tell if he isn't fully dead in this depiction the lights have definitely gone out. how about a depiction of him appearing to thomas or allowing judas to kiss him - - isn't that more apt?

and that segues me to the next thing - everyone was like "oh the church is gonna burn down / lightening . . .yadda yadda" cuz i'm a witch. i actually got called an atheist which is fairly annoying cuz meanwhile they all go up for communion - i know half of them haven't been to confession since high school.

hmm - none of this is what i intended to post about - well, except my floor cleaner - effing thing is AWEOME . . . but for the life of me i'm at a loss for what WAS on my mind. that said i will tag this religion cuz it _will_ come up again.

very weird -

i just noticed that the post i lost- or though i lost whatever. when i found it and reposted it posted BEFORE the one i started later but posted first. so basically if i start a post today but don't actually publish it until next week - it will show up on the date it was begun??

in the words of captain jack sparrow - a boogey snickle snickle

effing dammit mothereffing grrrrrrr

i just lost a giant blog . . . a lot of which centered around the fact that i have a lot of frustration. guess, how i feel NOW?????

DRIVEBY BLOGGING - - recovered

i have a lot of stuff going on in my head and i kept thinking i needed to form full thoughts and/or stories about them before blogging but eh - fugg it.

first of all there are 1200 bloggers whose "interests" are 'your mom' which surprised me. i thought there would be more.

so women almost invariably pick a guy over their girlfriends. and i don't get it. i never have. and believe me i focus (well, at least i have in the past) ALOT - a tremendous amount! - of time on men/ boys / their attentions etc. and yet friends always came first. in fact, if i was "on the hunt" so to speak (back in the day that is - sigh ) i liked to go alone so i didn't have to run the risk of ignoring a friend or not hooking up. it isn't so much a statement of moral judgement i am making as much as that i find it truly perplexing. and no his isn't a men vs. women issue - i realize that 'friends' may include men but that isn't what i'm talking about.

i am supposed to go see Chelsea Handler tomorrow night. i may back out. but she's good. for those of you that don't know her she wrote a book "are you there vodka, it's me chelsea". i'm gonna try to attach a small video clip of her but i'm not sure if i can do it.

so kim - thanks for the hint - i still lost about half the post that i don't intend to try to recreate but something is more gratifying then nothing :) i knew about that but i thought it lost because when i called the post up it had the title and the label and nothing in between. but lo and behold!! and yes mark, i am already a firefoxeee

i will leave you with this - FUCKING FLEAS!!!!!!

i am truly beginning to hate my life

another unsolicited movie review

to wong foo - thanks for everything

seriously underrated. because of that movie i will watch anything with patrick swayze, john leguizamo or wesley snipes.

other than that - i took ia day off today. just a day off. i mean i did some shit around the house; hung out with the kid a bit and all, but mostly, just a day off. i didn't even answer any work emails. it was fantabulous - - - FAN tab U lowSSS!!

pretty fantastic but missing a certain je ne sais quoi

we went to see the dark knight - at a theater that serves beer btw; an idea whose time has come again - it was really good and yet was missing something. i am still a little bit at a loss to come up with exactly what it is missing but i will tell you this - anyone i should have "felt" for i really didnt'. know what i mean? the whole empathy thing not so much there. otoh - heath ledger - yeah, it's not people speaking kindly of the dead - he was really good. let me put it to you this way - i looohoove(D) him and yet through the whole movie no matter how hard i looked i could find no trace of the guy i thought was so hot. in further praise i actually was on the edge of my seat a couple of times and i can tell you that i am just jaded enough that that almost never happens.

alright - gotta go i've decided to get squiffy tonight. :) kiskis

Pity Party

note : all caps added by carl

so we went to my friend's daughter's party today. it was fine - typical three year old party. however, my kid has been overtired for a couple of days now. so he was fine for most of the day until the end. he had a little tantrum at one point. and then generally just started losing it a little - oh and he had his first bit of candy today so that didn't help i'm sure. which btw, he had laffytaffy, and stored it under his lip like chew. anyway, i was so upset by the way he behaved. much more than i should be and i know it. on the way home i was in tears. so i tried following the thread out and this is what i've worked out.

i'm upset because i think people are judging him. i mean of course i'm upset that maybe they are judging me too - sure - but truly that isn't the worst of it. so instead of walking you through the step by step . . . it comes down to - i don't belong. i've been more or less ostracized long before i understood that it was happening. and it breaks my heart to think of him going through any of that. i think that's all i can do on that subject at the moment.

HI FATHER FEELS VERY SIMILAR WHEN HE TAKE HIM TO THE PGROUND AND HE DOESN"T KNOW HOW TO HELP HIM PLAY WITH THE OTHER KIDS _ NOT JUDGING ETC, BUT THAT THEY WILL MAKE FUN OF HUM AND SHUN HIM, WHICH HAPPENED TO HIS FATHER

on a happier note carl is forcing me to watch the olympics which i'm not entirely thrilled about but beach volleyball is on today - hot amazons in teeny bikinis, oh, excuse me "sports bikinis". what could be better. and since our president was hanging out in the sand with them i think we now know why he's there. PS WHEN I GOT HOME MALE GYMNASTICS WUZ ON AND I LOVED THAT, MM-HMM

We MUST be over the rainbow . . .

. . . cuz a dream really did come true.

"we're not going nowhere, we're not going nowhere, we're not going nowhere, not at all"
this should be sung to the tune of jungle fever while doing a _very_ white version of the cabbage patch.

so miracles of miracle . . . our flight was canceled and we couldn't get one that would get us there in time for the wedding/reunion thingy. well, we could of - if it was on standby but there was nooooo way i was going to take a two year old on standby.

i think maybe "the secret" works cuz i sure as shit was mentally pushing for this to not happen.

there's more but i'm tY red. plus if "the secret" really does work . . . jensen ackles is upstairs waiting for me.

E I C . . . turtle

so carl has decided it is time to teach the child to spell and thereby read. now, he is my boy and so of course i think he's near perfect. and i have started to accept the fact that he's pretty smart. point in fact, i'm fairly certain that by the time he's eight carl and i are gonna be obsolete. he'll begin to look at us with disdain as he realizes that we are both one small step away from mouth breathing. well, that one of us is a small step away and the other is drooling out the corner of his big fat yap!! oh, wait, i should have been thinking that not typing it.

yeah, digression and all . . . anyway, we have the wooden blocks with letters on one side, numbers on the other and pictures of animals and fruits etc on the others. so Carl takes these blocks and spells cat and says " C A T . . . cat, Malachai you say it, C A T . . . cat " so Malachai repeats it and Carl is pleased. Not five minutes later Malachai picks up random blocks and says
"E I C . . . turtle"

No Exception

"I don't know why you can't just accept me the way I am"

This statement is a triple threat of annoyance: hypocritical, arrogant and ignorant. Very few statements can lay claim to such variety.

Anyway, the short answer is - we're human, i'm human, it makes it close to impossible to 'just accept'. it's not what we do. i mean, i can do it no problem if your dumb ass doesn't effect my life. but pretty much as soon as your carelessness, thoughtlessness etc-ness, etc-ness. so that covers the ignorance aspect.

now, the hypocrisy. take your own advice. if *you* think that *i* should just accept you then why don't you just accept me?? and accept that i am the kind of person who doesn't just accept people. i know it's a little circular - perhaps enough so to make it sound like i am just being flippant but i'm not. really! take your own advice. but the fact is that you can't just accept that about me because my bitching at you is directly effecting your life - -- - you see what i'm saying???

which flows right into arrogance - by not accepting me but expecting me to accept you . . . well, the rough translation is this "my shit doesn't stink"

everyone wants to be accepted or at least have exceptions made

so that's my rant. it bothers me almost all the time.

i will fess up that yes, i have, particularly in the past, been rigid. and i'm working on it. i will tell you this though - if ya thought/think i'm harsh on you . . . you wouldn't survive a minute inside my head. which leads me to the final point - - - if you want me to be more compassionate - TRY GIVING ME SOME!!

i'm actually not currently angry about this but this rant has been forming in my head for nearly forever. and i figure while i'm cleaning out my house maybe i'll start cleaning out my head a little.

you've been warned


and on a whole 'nother topic - when i watch videos liek the above . . . i want another one!! :)

if this were a quilt - it'd be really ugly

so my little boy's face is one big bruise. he pulled my ten speed on top of his head today. there was a blanket draped over it and he pulled the blanket and down it came. he has a cut right under his eye and both eyes will likely be black and there is mark on the outside of his cheek. all in time for our trip to florida for the brook's family reunion.

please goddess, someone save me from this reunion. yeah, okay, i just typed six or seven sentences and deleted them cuz i don't think i'm ready to talk about all that at the moment. at any rate, the reunion, which, best i can tell, is not actually a reunion, but simply a wedding that all the family has been invited to - is in orlando in august so that should give you some idea of how much sense all this makes. oh, and the inlaws thought it would be fun to take the kid to cape canaveral but never mentioned disneyworld. now, understand, i can't stand disney - if the whole thing fell apart tomorrow i might even be tempted throw a little party. and i realize that sugar-bean isn't going to remember it. i would never set up a trip for him at this age but we are going to be in orlando with at least one day of nothing to do . . .

i know that man can not live on bread alone but can woman live on cheerios alone? cuz lately that's all i want to eat. well, that and sandwiches (i feel like that kid in the movie 'bad santa') but we sometimes haves cheerios and almost never have sandwich fixings well, not the ones i want anyway.

i'm watching the x-files. friends of ours have a daughter named echo. if she had been a boy they were going to name her fox.

my eyes are itchy. for those of you that read my insomnia rant. it is 2.38am and there is a chance that has something to do with my itchy eyes - well that and the sorting of art supplies. if i stop taking a break and get up and move around i may well find myself staying up for another few hours - ohyeah because i took a nap this afternoon. oh, it was a glorious thing. i fell on the bed and just slept and slept and slept. for three and a half hours, only momentarily awoken by kai coming in to give me a hug :)

my poor little dude - his face is such a mess. oh, that's the other thing . we are traveling by plane this weekend. about a year ago i remember reading a story where some kid just kept saying over and and over"byebye plane; byebyeplane" until the stewardess got mad and kicked them off the plane!! so i'm a little nervous. not about him behaving or us being stranded (OH HOW I WISH), no, i'm concerned that something like that will happen and then i will be forced to kill that person.

alrighty i am going to fight my neuroses right now and go lay down.

it's 4.23am - do you know where your brain is

so i don't sleep anymore. 5 hours at a shot . . . decreasing by the day, i think it started at 6. tonight i probably slept about 4 and a half or so before awakening. usually it is just that i go to bed so late and then have to get up for work. at this point i guess i have trained my body to only sleep about 5 hours because i went to sleep at around 11 or so and then pop 3.37am my eyes were wide motherfucking open

it all started as part of my ongoing quest for organization in this house. a process that is like a very deep layer of therapy for me so i may write about later but for now let me say that is going *extraordinarily* well, better than i could have hoped. AND i have my altar / meditation / all things witchcraft; yogic; martial arts room finally!!

but i digress - which is a serious side effect of not sleeping. the more you don't sleep . . . or should that be the less you sleep . . .hmmm . . . either way it effs you up. when you're tired. you're just that - your ass is dragging and you could use a nap. when you are sleep deprived well my friend just duck and weave when you see the white coats and butterfly nets coming your way. i suppose taking a variety of drugs / b vitamins etc doesn't help but . . . yeah, um, it's like your eyes are suddenly a cheap ass digital camera and you can see huge pixelation and sometimes the pixels move around despite the fact that the object you are looking at is, as a whole, still.

and then there is what comes out of your mouth. all editing abilities are out the window. i don't mean the ones that keep you from telling that oxygen thief in the office that s/he is a worthless piece of donkey poop. i'm talking about the one that keeps your subconscious thoughts in one neat little corner of your brain and prevents it from mingling with all the other thoughts in your head. not necessarily the deep dark stuff - just random things ya know where the dream that you were (OMG - how the fuck do you spell ladel??) ladling (thank you dictionary.com) chocolate out the window of a high rise and then the chocolate turned into ducklings and you realized you were killing them cuz they couldn't fly - - - ya, that starts to get entwined with the piece of your brain that reminds you to pay bills. i'm not saying that i have yet started paying ducks blood money for the senseless death of their offspring nor am i saying that i've tried paying my mortgage in chocolate. for now i'm just pointing out that there is a reason that those two pieces of the brain don't interface on a constant basis. actually there are probably many reasons but at least one of them is that little bits of chocolate ducks start finding their way into your conversations. you start telling people things that you aren't even sure you connect with let alone should be telling the biznitty in the next office.

okay - there's more but after about 2 hours of dicking around on the puter i think i may actually be able to eke out another hour or so of sleep, see if i can't use my magic fairy army to save some ducklings. otherwise i'm effed . . . ever try to break bad news to a duck?

They say that if you meet the Buddha
on the path - you should kill him

But before you do . . .

Ask him if he's got change for a dollar
No, no, understand I mean _change_
Ask him if there's change for
people minds
Ask him if war is necessary for
population control

Better yet ask him about him
And about HIM
Ask him what's important
Ask about heartbreak
If it's all free will or fate
About Chi and the Tao

On second thought
Give him my number
I'll kill him when I'm done

-----------------------------------------------------

It was too close to me
for me to see
Everyone else sitting around
watching and knowing
You were looking
direct through me
like I wasn't your girl

I said, baby,
Don't you understand?
Sometimes I don't want a man

And there she was -right there
crooked smile, tangled hair
something I wanted to be and to have
Couldn't you hear me

I said, baby,
Don't you understand?
Sometimes I don't want a man

I was tipping the velvet 2 - 3 times a night
saving the days to go straight
Then found you hanging 'round
where we knew each other best
Looking back at her

I said, baby,
Don't you understand?
Sometimes I have to have a man.
----------------------------------------------------------------

He taught me not to take it personal
He taught me to take it with a grain of salt
To take it without asking
To take it how I could get it
To take it on the run
I taught him to take it like a man.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I seem to be doing better now
Looking way respon
sible
I'm growing up
I'm motivated
Getting shit done
Broadening my horizons
Branching out
Living the high life
Lovin' every minute of it
Shouldering the burden
Getting there on time
Getting there
Making it
Exploring myself
Pushing my limits
Extedning my barriers
Knocking em down
Knocking em dead
Forging ahead
Beating a new path
Marching to the beat of my own drummer
Concentrating
Consternating
Contemplating - less and less
Yep I'm really on the ball
And have a pair
Still feel like shit
Pushing that voice aside
Say over and over
Make it through today
One day at a time
Whatever gets you through the night
whatever gets you off
whatever bursts your bra strap
Whatever

where o where is my last little post and where o where will this go