enter at your own risk

whenever i talk to my mother about gideon and his death . . . well, actually, i never talk to her about it - whenever gideon comes up - my mother always says 'what a waste'. i have no idea what that means. i mean, i understand what she is saying. she has elaborated even 'so brilliant and potential and " blah blah blah. but what makes it a waste. i know he was depressed and so yeah, okay, but what is the measure of what makes a life worthwhile. he enjoyed his job. had friends. was the glue of his family. he disappointed a lot of people too - pissed a lot of people off. but whatever; again i ask what is the criteria? i look at my life - i don't really see any difference. hell, i don't even like my job; or feel like i have close relationships. so maybe that's the idea - why we were so in sync. only he accepted it and i didn't - that's what kept us out of sync. i feel like i have become more as he was following his death - more accepting of how things are. it's felt like a weird sort of transference. either way, without him in the world i have felt more alone and slowly more comfortable with that idea; perhaps the realization that it was always thus. not seeking impossible things anymore. and so when my friend tells me that she watched her ex brother in law die my heart breaks for her that she had to witness that and that she has to help her sister with complex variations of sorrow but it comes more or less in stride; with fewer questions than i used to have about such things. when another friend tells me that her cat died and she feels silly being so upset because it's a pet; i don't see why she should be any less upset because the death is a cat. there are three beings in her house - two of them are cats and they fill a place in her heart. my ex-karate instructor lays dying - a man that i came close to hating; that i have nearly no respect for - i think how sad it is for the people that love him, how horrible it is that he should suffer in the way he is and despite the fact that it does have a certain karmic balance for much of his life i don't see it as a justice. so all these things touch my heart but they no longer make me ask why with anguished sky glances.

but my friend's niece; that is something completely different. i can't process it. and honestly, as horrible as it is that this infant has died. it isn't her death as much as it is that there are people left behind who have to process this. her parents - her uncle; my friend who i hate to see pained even if he's doing it to himself but this . . . these people held her; a bundle of hope - her eyes shined at them with purity they aren't going to find anywhere else. how the hell do they go on? what is the effing point now? i'm sorry but really live for what?? others who love them / whom they love. bah. love isn't hierarchical unless you are talking about child(ren) and then . .. everyone else is incidental. i know i have nothing to offer my friend.

so, sorry for the happy post - it is the other side of having my body nearly repaired. all those tense muscles trap both joy and pain - keep me from vomiting them all over the page.

um - - have a nice night?

that might actually have done the trick

today was my third massage with the woman who beats the crap out of your body for its own good. i feel almost normal. i'm boggled actually.

so i'm actually inspired to go to bed. do something good for myself. weird. course if i could have been inspired to not eat a shitload of frozen yogurt that would have gone well too.

i'm thinking tomorrow i might be able to put some of the last week's events down. i feel almost feed. which has pros and cons. tight muscles do also provide barriers. your emotions and intellect can't travel between each other as well. metaphorically that is. that isn't quite right either.

here - let me share something beautiful and moving with you

massage tomorrow

whoo hooo

the senate finance committee has taken their crack at the healthcare bill. by the time everyone gets done with this it will be something that doesn't work. i wish liberals didn't by definition seek to make compromises.

i'm watching empire records - so very good.

i am a bubbling blister of emotion without sound
contradictions that are leading anywhere but to a conclusion
i am set in my ways but they are not my own
i'd like to step off but - - no you step off!

something just seems a little off

such a weird congregation of events in these last few months.

death and weird announcements of birth. there's been a lot to process today. and unfortunately most of it i don't think i'm at liberty to discuss. this last death i have heard about today has me a little effed up. i'll explain when i can.

in the meantime - can someone tell me how it is that ayn rand is currently being touted by people who are bible thumpers; antichoice; antihomosexual rights; pro death penalty; reaganites . . . do people even read who they are worshiping anymore

so then

yeah, so last night i fell asleep while i was typing my blog. i sorta half woke up at one point - long enough to realize i had typed about a hundred gazillion "d's", hit save and fell back asleep. when i woke up for real only the first two paragraphs remained.

anyway, got more done today. if i can just keep this up at a moderate pace i may just be able to get the important things done before this baby comes without killing myself to do so. and i guess i'm gonna have to take some help from my mom which is something i don't really like to do and definitely don't like to ask for but . . .

we bought the boy a bed today. a bunk bed with drawers built into the bottom and stairs instead of a ladder and the stairs have drawers. i have no idea how exactly we ended up getting a bunk bed but oh, well. and a chest of drawers to go with it.

oh, and for all my michigan friends especially if you are in district 8 - according to your representative mike rogers - if you don't have health insurance it's because you haven't earned it. he came very close to saying it was because you don't work.

i'm watching nip/tuck. it's a show that i regret not having watched from the beginning. but it's just as well since i should be sleeping and not watching anything. night nighty night kids

shew!

well, i actually got some shit done today. my mom came and helped which was great. sometimes you just need a little help or support or hell, someone to talk to.

a friend had a family crisis today. she called; talked for a little bit. then told me that she kept calling me because she always felt better after talking to me. how freaking sweet is that? i was touched

i also just lost half this post. long story explain it tomorrow.

bed bed beds

no not where i need to go - i'm trying to find a bed for the boy

we went to dinner tonight. great pizza and the loudest fucking people on the planet. i almost left they were so obnoxious.

tomorrow we go get the stuff to make the boy's halloween costume and i find a bed - no matter what. we found two that i kind of like so if i can't find another then one of them will have to do.

i can not believe how strong this baby is already.

commercials about the difficulties for children in the world are truly going to kill me. except that marcia brady is beginning to annoy me. although, i actually cancelled my sponsorship with children international. ineed to do something - either call them or find a new organization. the thing is that i re-upped with them like three times - twice on the phone and once on line and they still never got it right and that makes me nervous about giving them my money. but it's a damn pity for me to be doing nothing. i wish i had a ton of my money. i would take in foster kids and stay home with them.

again today i had two people - "you are too funny". i just never know what that means.

assclowns

justice of the peace refused to marry an interracial couple
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/15/interracial-couple-denied_n_322784.html

so i post it on FB. there is one part of the story where it says that the wife says their friends have been supportive. someone on fb writes back "what was there for them to be supportive of" really? that's the the issue. the thing is racism still exists people. deal with it.

i have heard so many arguments since obama took office about how liberals are making up racism and the obama supporters are the real racists. now is that the reason behind everyone's objections to obama. of course not. but it doesn't mean it isn't real. in fact i just found out today that rep. lynn jenkins said the gop was looking for its "great white hope".

i'm caught some where between wanting to take action with the craziness or just wanting to go in the hills and stay the hell away from people forever.

maybe i'll just go to bed instead.

liberal main stream media????

abc ran that story about the woman who was raped in iraq and couldn't bring a lawsuit because of clause in her contract. and how subsequently the senate voted to not do business with anyone who required such a clause of their workers. howeer, abc didn't mention that the 30 senators that fought against the senate ammendment were all republican.

today i read abc's take on the baby who was "to fat" to get health care coverage and there was no mention of the quote (that was even in fox news' article) where an insurance rep said straight out that healthcare reform would get rid of their ability to do this.

later in the article it also said that there can be denial or higher rates for people with a bmi over 30. and that of course is despite the fact that the bmi has been all but been debunked as crap. again i say - maybe not this reform bu thter had to be someting

had a massage today - my body is either better or broken. i'll get back to you.

just a quickie

saw the doctor today. the pain i have been feeling is apparently similar to spd but not as bad and happens to many women towards the end. i didn't bother pointing out to him that i'm not really at the end. the baby was very active and had a weird chin. since the last visit we have gone from being in the 89th percentile to now being in the 92nd.

my boss is making me crazy and for that reason i have to go and go to bed so i can try to get out from under tomorrow. and i have a massage appointment at 2 - UGH. i mean don't get me wrong it's great - - - i just can't keep up with anything lately.

happy lost wop day

by that i mean christopher columbus. in third grade i asked my teacher why we celebrated someone who got lost and helped enslave and destroy an indigenous people (although i don't think i used the words enslave and indigenous)

but here's what's pissing me off today. a woman working for a company in iraq signed a contract to work there. a clause in there said that were she to be sexually assaulted she gave up her right to a court trial and instead would be heard (or not before an internal arbitration committee. four years ago she was drugged, held captive and repeatedly raped. al franken introduced an amendment to the defense contract bills stating that any company with such a clause would not be eligible for government money. should be simple enough right? there was nothing else to it - nothing attached. thirty senators, and i'm sorry but yes, they were all republican, they stated that this was unfair targeting of halliburton. are you fucking serious??? that's all i have to say about that.

tomorrow i see the baby again. ultrasound and appointment. 10 more weeks (hoping for 8)!!

family day

we went to the topsfield fair today - prize winning farm animals; rides; food - that sorta thing. it was basically six hours of walking. the boy and i both passed out on the drive home. btw, the v key on my board doesn't work so well - please fill in 's where they are necessary. anyhooo - the kid had a whole box of popcorn; lemonade; his first caramel apple and an ice cream. i anticipate that he will be up at some point tonight so i should really go to bed but then i'm rarely that smart.

here is the link to the transcript of obama's address to the HRC at the national equality march http://instinctmagazine.com/blog/every-word-of-president-obama-s-remarks-at-hrc-benefit i't a great speech. hopefully it isn't crap. oh, and a friend from high school is the editor in chief of the magazine that links to.

oh and barney frank is a jerk. he said that the march was a big waste of time. course, the war protests under bush / the tea parties - they all seem to be a big waste of time so . .. maybe it's true.



the song, that version especially - i'm in kc again. mostly alone. with vague thoughts of loe i want face. nothing much changes.

you crack me up

people say that to me a lot. i can never really figure out if they are sincere or being condescending.

so obama spoke at the HRC's event for the national equality march going on in dc tomorrow. he apparently (once again) said that he would end 'don't ask / don't tell'. i want nothing more than to believe him but . .. hopefully it happens. the fact that the policy exists at all is so mindboggling. and in the climate of the last 8 /9 years or so and all this lip service about honoring the men and women who serve. well it sounds like so much blah blah blah when you then say 'go fight for our rights - the same ones we won't give you'. it was more respectable to not allow them to serve at all. anyway, what really has me flummoxed is going to certain sites and reading people within the LBGT community saying that the gay community should give obama a break and not be so selfish yadda yadda yadda. this is not a frivolous request. sigh.

tomorrow is the topsfield fair.

the rugrat is spending the night at my mother's; which means i'm going to miss out on my morning snuggling :(

just another stop in crazy town

why in the bloody blue jesus did obama get the nobel peace prize. don't get me wrong. there are some things i like that he has done and others i am hopeful about. i am not and have not turned into an obama hater. course actually it's pretty much the worst thing that could have happened for him. the obama haters are pretty much convinced that there is a massive conspiracy in the works anyway. and glenn beck's response to all this certainly went right along those lines. now there aren't crazy liberals in america rooting for the destruction of the nation. nope, now it's a world wide conspiracy. course that said - wtf did obama do in less than a month (nominations have to be in by february) that was worthy of the nobel prize? the closing of guatanomo was a good fist step but since that hasn't actually come to pass yet . . .

lidocaine is pretty good stuff.

and so is sleep.

i thnk i've made up my mind. buy the boy a twin bed and dresser; buy us a new bed; maybe buy a new living room

here's more proof that you shouldn't try beating up boys in dresses

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1218651/Thugs-attack-men-dresses--turn-cage-fighters.html

eddie murphy did a bit about something very similar in raw. but i can't find the bit of film.


my throat is very sore / my head very throbby; i'm exhausted - my son will come jump on my head at 6am. so ya'll will forgive me if that's all ya get tonight.

the one obama move that has really annoyed me

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Gay After Tomorrow
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

also - - - jon stewart rocks

do you have to - do you have to - do you have to let it linger

well, at least i got something done today. a little burst of energy. i would have preferred a larger burst but what the eff are ya gonna do about that. i missed that whole second trimester feeling great thing. i really could have used it.

i have been arguing with people on the internet again and i really ought to know better. i don't know how it happens or why i expect people to engage in honest debate. definition of crazy right there.

i can't believe this baby is less than 11 weeks away. yikes!!

almost forgot - here is a title

this morning i woke up because my son screamed out like he was really scared. i went in, then took him into my bed with me. after he's completely back to normal he says to me "the doctor is here now". and he is literally looking over my shoulder. i said "what doctor?". "the doctor that was in my room" "oh, what did he say to you" "he moved my mouth like this" and he starts pushing his mouth around. i said "oh, is that why you were crying?" "no, my paper got dirty" oh

so after i shower and whatnot i tell his father. carl asks him about the doctor and he says "the doctor is in mama's room now" "what's he doing in there" "he's with the boys"

it's like the beginning of a horror movie

okay - just remembered i have to see the tmj dude at 8 am tomorrow. which means leaving at 7 - to travel 15 miles. le sigh

appropo of nothing

when i was a little kid - i fought - a lot. a lot of it was just being an extreme tomboy. all the boys fought and rough housed and that's what i liked doing too. course i would have preferred to do so in a pretty pink ballet outfit but such are the contradictions of life. anyway, one day i got in trouble. well, okay - one of the days i got in trouble was for beating the crap out of kid who talked shit about my father. growing up with the tale of the fifties still creeping into television and my parents and being half italian i assumed that this was something that my father would not only understand but maybe even be proud of. and maybe he was but he said to me - you know it's not true; i know it's not true - and i don't care what he thinks of me and you shouldn't either. now despite the fact that it was nearly belied by the rest of my upbringing - it was something that stuck with me. he wasn't telling me that there aren't times that you fight for family - it was more of a 'pick your battles' statement. a skill that i am not particularly good at. mostly due to a completely overblown sense of right and wrong / fairness. i'mnot sure what age other people let go of 'it's not fair' but i seem to have never quite let go of it. and it isn't a measure that i hold only to other people.

the other thing i have been musing on today - i wonder if you can have your belly button surgically altered. i meant what if you were a model or something. by and large - people don't find outties particularly attractive.

see - i started off with a bang. wrote all that this afternoon and now . . . i got nothing. eh, cohesion is over rated anyway.

when does a rut become a hole

a giant black hole from which there is no escape. and in which insanity is defined - over and over the same thing and each time with the hope that the outcome will be different. i would liken myself to sisyphus except it isn't that exciting.

when it comes time to have this baby - i think s/he is gonna try to come right out through the belly button. i'm pretty sure that s/he is trying come out right now. well, hell, i still have a belly button so that's something.

stairs are enemy to the pregnant woman

socialist gardening:

how many weeks to december

i have so much to do before this baby gets here. not the least of whch would be it would be nice to get my shiznit together.

i went for a walk. it's actually beautiful outside. it was nicer outside then in my house. the moon isn't full yet but ya can't tell by looking at it. i love walking at night. always have. i've always been yelled at about it too but in years and years of doing it there was only one time it almost went badly.

when i went to kc to visit my friend after visiting gideon in kansas. i walked for about 15 miles. i made the mistake of assuming that if i was on 5th street - 64th street would be 59 blocks away. four or five miles tops. anyway i had two cassingles. here are the a sides of each of them:



which was somewhat appropo in that i felt i was searching and that my search had a spiritual bent

and



which was a little less germane ;)

still sick / still exhausted

still this baby is kicking the crap out of me. i had intended to get so very many things done today and instead i ended up having to deal with eight gazillion different types of bureaucracy. seriously, some days it seems like i can't buy myself a break.

i was looking into refinancing my house - spent well over an hour on the phone only to reach the end of the conversation and realize that things were not as they had previously been presented.

it's cold but i refuse to turn on the heat. we'll have enough of that in a few months. especially since there will be an infant in the house.

let me leave you with this tonight - - from the fabulous dennis lehane (mystic river):
"grief" he said, "is carnivorous. It feeds whether you're awake or not, whether you fight it or you don't. Much like cancer. And one morning you wake up and all those other emotions - joy, envy, greed, even love - are swallowed by it. And yo're alone with grief, naked to it. And it owns you."

a whole new level of angry

dealing with some assclown at work. which of course it isn't him. i mean, it is in fact him - guy redefines douchebag. my own personal theory is that if you are going to be a dick you shouldn't have the audacity to be stupid at the same time. but whatever, the point is that of course i wouldn't be seething if not for the fact that he is the tiny tip of my iceberg.

with the exception of my son who is so much more and better than i deserve - the rest of my life seems to fall into varying degrees of not at all what should be happening.

now i'm a big believer in the idea that somehow or another it's my own damned fault but i can't figure that out for the life of me. at the moment i am just really tired of this feeling of either being kicked around or taken for granted - i suppose there isn't much difference. but i understand that position is not going to aid in resolving anything. so i think maybe i will hit the bag a little and cry a bit - perhaps not in that order and then we'll see. i have avoided spending too much time on this because i have begun to see it as futile but i suppose i'm gonna have to spend a little time with the question.

i don't think the whole neck, head, ear, runny nose thing is helping any.

it's swine flu!! okay not really

i think i'm getting a cold. my throat is scratchy. i'm tired. even more ridculously so than just pregnancy tired. crap.

all of which has me going to bed again when i really have far too much to do to be going to sleep.

a census worker was killed in kentucky - oh, excuse me, according to foxnews he might not have been killed. he was found hanging from a tree with the word fed scrawled into his chest (and we don't know with what) and according to them it could be a suicide. makes perfect sense to me. there is a faction of the anti-obamists that are truly fucking dangerous. there is another woman who is urging everyone to stock up on weapons and ammunition. course the right is heralding her as a hero. never mind the fact that she began this campaign under the bush administration. the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

i really thought that this whole feeling of revolution would have happened under bush.

oh cucka - it's in my ears now.

ucky

i feel really sick - i'm going to lie down

i wish i was one of those people who didn't question myself. i know people say all the time that it's not a good thing - that self analysis is respectable. questioning yourself is integrity blah blah blah. i don't care about that. i would like peace of mind. i would like to know i'm right even if i'm not. and i know that isn't great for people around you but you know what the only one that you are stuck with forever is you. plus the truth is we should be drawn to those who are more considerate but the psychology of it doesn't pan out that way.

i'm watching lie to me - based on a real guy who can tell if you're lying. here's the question - can you tell if someone is lying like they are telling the truth or they have doubts. like let's say they ask do you love so and so - do they read the truth or what you think is the truth. perhaps you really do love the person despite your doubts. see what i'm getting at?

rain is pouring pouring pouring - love the sound - as long as i don't have to go out into it. it's definitely good to sleep to though :)

and how was your weekend

i don't really want to know.

yardsale. that wasn't as successful as it could have been. but -it's all out of the house. well, wave one - i had run out of places to even move stuff so in the next couple of months i'm gonna have to really dig into shit and chuck it all. the whole damned house - grrrrr. do over. but one thing at a time. next weekend we move the boys bedroom to the front room. well, we are going to do the painting anyway. i'm curious to see how he takes to the move.

yesterday was a lot of work i have to say - i never stopped moving. today hurt less than i thought it would but last night i thought my body was going to fall apart. i did take a bath last night and this morning though so i suppose that helped. really my foot is throbbing and that's about the worst of it. i have a massage scheduled for tomorrow. whooohooo. i have very high hopes for that massage. i hope that i am not disappointed.

did i mention how much i love peaches now. i've had three today i think and i'm gonna go get another one. now the real question is should i go to sleep or try to push a little more work out of today. the smart thing to do is go to bed i think.

today was the first day of my third trimester which means i have a lot to do and i need to stop drinking caffeine and eating poopy and stuff. ugh. i suppose i should also start believing that this is going to happen. and somehow i'm going to have to do that without freaking out.

i'll let ya know how that turns out.

the meaning of life

feet throb - heat throb - up for 18 hours after 4 hours of sleep - epsom salt bath and ice cream - reconnected with a friend from years ago - sold some crap - got rid of a ton of it -

so i'm trying to remember now that i feel . . . very small and insecure / how amazingly unlikely is my birth

miles to go before i zzzzzzzzz

tomorrow is the big yard sale - i feel like i still have a million things to do. i keep trying to remind myself that it is probably inconsequential whether they all get done. sorta trying to remind myself of that in general. i keep thinking that there is going to be a magic bullet. for example, with this yard sale like i am magically going to get rid of all the crap that is in this house. i am trying to learn to content myself with baby steps. the attempt to wait until i am able to 'do it all' is what has me in a position that is sooooooo far behind. le sigh.

kristen will be here in the morning. nothing like reconnecting all these years later over a yard sale :)

okay- more to do - more to do

this video creeped me out a little as a kid

night night

no really- won't someone please please watch chiller

anyway, you can now see the baby move from the outside of the belly. and s/he never seems to stop moving. i wish there was a less clinical word that said fetus. baby and fetus both sound a little off. anyway, i am ENORMOUS. 12 weeks left? i seriously don't think i could get any bigger.

we're having the yard sale this weekend. and we advertised i guess it worked because some batshit crazy woman came to my house today. banged the shit out of my door. i was sleeping on the couch. when i first heard the knock i thought it was carl and malachai and i just kept sleeping. BANG BANG - so now i still think it's them and that they need something i get up - the inside door was open outside one closed and it's this freaky woman. long story short - she wants e to tell her what we have; then she wants to come in my house to which i said no; she wants me to bring stuff out to show her - um, no; she wwants to look in our garage - taht one i left her although she just looked in throught the windows not actually opening it. on the lean-to side. the other side is an actual garage with tall doors and it was all closed up and she says 'what abou there; what's in here' ; we have this weird thing on our porch that is carl's. it's like a reindeer kind of but some sort of swedish motif or whatever. so while we are talking on my porch she says - what's this are you selling this. seriously effed. she plans oncoming back tomorrow. she frightened me. but carl will be working from home tomorrow-0 he candeal with her.

i could use somec hocolatedfs

sometimes naps are a bad idea

i took one - it was supposed to be an hour. it was more like three. now i don't know when sleep might come. it's all the more difficult because i am watching the train wreck that is the chiller channel. it is seriously the craziest thing ever. i may never watch anything else again.

tomorrow is going to be a chore. which sorta seems like a way of life these days. with no end in sight. i just want a do over

i watched the premiere of modern family tonight. it was interesting funny in a lsow burn funny way. but i don't anticipate losing a lot of time trying to make sure that i catch it every week or anything.

i'm really trying to make efforts to reconnect with people. i want more human contact, especially in the going out / hanging out variety but i so rarely keep in contact with people that that will actually happen. but there are a couple of friends that might come by while we are having our yard sale this weekend. i really hope so - they are all people i wold really like to see and haven't for a while- a while ranging from a few weeks to nearly 15 years (and in between) speaking of the yard sale. i am already daunted by how much stuff we are going to have left IN the house - UCK!! at least we'll get rid of something - nearly enough to fill a small house YIKES!! when i say do over - personally, i'd like to just chuck everything and start over. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

one horrible moment at a time - so now i'll go to sleep and prepare for the horror that is tomorrow :)

no really

i've had enough

my leg already hurt and then i fell in sort of a split ; there are many other pains but i'll save you the laundry list; i'm literally starting to drown under the weight of what i have to do and how far behind i am.

do ya'll have chiller - it's like syfy's leftovers. yeah, so the stuff that is too bizarre for syfy - ya see where i'm coming from.

yard sale part two this weekend. i still don't thik i'm going to be able to get rid of everything. just won't be able to round it all up in time. i would like to just get rid of the whole house.

when you ask my son what "kind" something is and he doens't know the answer he says 'marshmelon'. he's never had marshmallows. i have no fricking idea what hte kid is talking about half the time. and his new word is yokodama - which apparently is part of some video game but i can assure you that is not where he got it.

judging by this movie - chad lowe seriously pissed someone off at some point. start around 4 minutes

september 21

no gestational diabetes - i guess; i passed the test but my initial number was high. whatever the hell that all means

i was there forever so it is now tomorrow morning and i am still awake - doing work. have to stop though and sleep. almost fallen asleep twice on the puter.

- a year ago today i lost the one person i didn't think i could lose to any circumstance; i loved him from the time i was fifteen to this very heart beat. came across this today. if i believed that would be great but there are parts that stuck out to me anyway:

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!



Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918

my headache has a headache

you should go here and look at this because he rocks http://billknottpoetry.blogspot.com/

in 30 minutes i can have nothing but water for the following 12 hours. i don't want to take this stupid test

we found a horseshoe crab on the beach a while ago. we brought it home for the kid. he calls it his porchoo crab. he does not understand the phrase - are you sure? he has lately taken to saying 'so, i don't know what to tell you'. he tells me he loves me spontaneously every day. he still says "aminals" hmmmm - this is all sorta self serving - - i do this i don't have to write a diary of what the kid does. :) for the last couple of weeks he crawls into bed with me in the morning. he's so damned affectionate. sigh. he's gonna be so sad when this baby gets here.

i guess i should go to bed so i can try to be a good mommy tomorrow.

ya - i didn't pee enough as it was

this kid is trampling my bladder

what the hell is with syfy and deformed hill people and abducting tourists to do weird sex things with them. they've had a run on movie about such things all day. the poor appalachian peoples

i wasted today. eight gazillion things must happen tomorrow

then there's monday - oh monday's gonna suck

yowza

i actually went out tonight. like a grown up and stuff.

i had shots put in my hips today. hopefully it helps. it seems to have started helping a little already actually

this child never stops moving

i threw up tonight - i hate that

we are never going to come up with a name for this kid.

limits and limitlessness

the hip is really aggravating me. tomorrow i get cracked and then they stick a giant needle in my hip full of lidocaine. and i have so much work tomorrow. uck. i just need tomorrow to be over.

i'm feeling increasingly worried about childcare for my kids. hehe kids.

the 21st is creeping up on me and i'd say it was making me sadder but i don't think i ever felt less sad. the tattoo - i'm thinking maybe the 25th is smarter anyway - that was when i found out. i suppose it's gotten a little better. i've gotten used to the idea that when my mind reaches out - there's no him there; no connection. i've almost completely stopped reaching out. old habits and all i guess. i've nearly come to grips with the idea that alone is alone. it was bad timing anyway; i was already at a crisis of faith in terms of relationships of all kinds.

we were kinetic. we were connected. there are so many things that i know why they end. there are more things that i don't understand why they won't end. but then it doesn't really make a fuck of difference what i understand and what i don't, huh?

yes, the video itself is silly

because there's just been way too much good news

so i got my glucose screening back and it was elevated so i have to take the three hour test. so whoopi doo i could have gestational diabetes too. rock and roll!! "The good news is that most women whose screening test shows elevated blood sugar don't turn out to have gestational diabetes." but these days i don't put a huge amount of stock in good news i'm sorry to say.

OH and they want me to take the H1N1 vaccine so i'm caught between the fact that i don't trust the vaccine and i do trust my doctor. le sigh.

when i tell you that i hate two of my cats i suppose that sounds cruel and maybe even a bit creepy to you. but what's really creepy is that one of them sits a foot and a half from me and just watches me. she can and will do this for as long as it takes for me to get up and then she will follow me wherever i head in the house and then right back. and that doesn't even count when she literally paces me step for step around the kitchen as i cook. so really, the fact that i haven't staple gunned her to the floor or duct taped her to the wall . .. . makes me a damn fine human

oh, the joys of hormones

i had a dark moment of the soul tonight. carl went to visit elliott. i took my son out to eat and we went for ice cream afterwards. as i watched him shovel strawberry ice cream into his mouth - i was sorry that i brought him into this world. not sorry to have him here - he is literally the very epitome of light and love. people that aren't us have said that about him. reminding myself how lucky i was to have him here just made me feel guiltier. then i went trifecta on myself when i realized that with thoughts like that i wasn't going to be able to teach him to have a joy for life.

as you can see it's been a rough day and since, like a night of drunken debauchery i will tomorrow regret having told you that - i don't really feel bad leaving it at that.

the very embodiment of boredom

yeah, i went to the doctor today - turns out i'm not carrying a 15 pound baby. which i suppose is a good and bad thing at the same time. i mean - i have to deliver this baby but on the other hand i have no explanation for the other mmmmphh pounds i gained.

the internet is a very bad thing. there are more people with opinions than facts. i just got done reading a post about breastfeeding - which i advocate - that made the statement - "its what most women used to do and we didn't have the childhood diseases and learning disabilities" the fact is - it ISN'T what most women used to do. well, depending on how far back you want to go. but starting around 1900 a majority of women formula fed - some using commercial and some a homemade concoction. by the 70s about 75% of women formula fed and the majority of them used commercial formula. i love to prove my point too particularly when i really believe in something but using half facts or things that sound like facts to make you point is lazy and disingenuous.

i go to see my boyfriend tomorrow - the tmj doctor. he's so dreamy.

baby news

so tomorrow i go in and have an ultrasound and they "weigh" the baby. course if the baby weighs anything short of 15 pounds i'm not sure i want to hear it. i assume they will look for downs markers again. okay there's other crap i'm worried about but eh

then afterwards i get to do like a week's worth of work in a day or two. le sigh.

i guess this tattoo plan isn't going to come through. not in time anyway. i was supposed to go there and i just never made it there. it's been a rough few months in terms of - well, many things - especially getting stuff done.

i did manage to get some stuff done today but nothing like i should have.

i suppose i should go to bed.

maybe i'll have a peach first. i've only had three of them today.

disappointed

an anti-choice protester was killed yesterday. as you well know i am vehemently pro-choice but this does not mean i think the opposition should be silenced and under no circumstances harmed. at present it seems this person was not even particularly pro-choice. he also killed a gravel pit owner and was on his way to kill another guy when he was caught. he was offended by the graphic images being displayed in front of a school. why he couldn't file a complaint with the police or counterdemonstrate or petition the school . . . ?

i was disappointed in reuters who apparently just reprinted randall terry's article as their own and therefore included this little tidbit: "They will also discuss the Obama Administration's response and the response of the child-killing movement." i don't even feel like discussing the number of things wrong with that statement but it isn't because i disagree with the content that i object. okay, maybe that is part of it. but i just wish that the news would work a little harder at being less opinionated.

i am also disappointed in the pro-choice movements relative silence on the subject. now, unlike some that i have read - i do not find this an apples to apples comparison with the killing of tiller. but it doesn't change the fact that a statement should be made. a strong statement. i have written NARAL on that very subject and left their page on FB. i heard they did issue a statement but it isn't on their website and it damned well should be. if they couldn't do it for decencies sake then they should have done it for political reasons. i am getting more disappointed by the moment.

damn near plagiarism

not really but i'm running out of friggin' titles. anyway, a friend posted on FB today "i'm a child of divorce - i know what i'm talking about". i'm not calling that friend out by name because i'm not calling him out at all. i don't know what the context was or what he was talking about that he was affirming that he knew what he was talking about about (hehe). but it got me to thinking about my own experience of divorce and i am truly running out of shit to talk to - well, stuff i'm willing to.

my parents separated when i was three ; again when i was eleven and finally for good right before i was eighteen. by the time i was sixteen i sat them each down separately and begged them to divorce. i don't remember much about my reaction at three. but at eleven - the first two months were hard. especially since the way it happened was i came home from two weeks at overnight camp - we drove four hours with the two of them losing their shit at each other; got home and he went upstairs and packed and left. little blindsided. but after the initial shock - it was actually pretty good. it was hard on my mom and of course i was with her more so i fought with her more but overall my parents had begun to actually interact with me consistently as opposed to randomly fighting with each other through me. plus there was no more constant screaming in my house. the only thing that really sucked about it was being made fun of by kids in my neighborhood. when my mother started spending sundays with us i was pissed.

now don't get me wrong. we had good times all together as a family - truly and there were some really good years in fact. but eventually . . . like i said by 16 i could see that they were fighting a losing battle. i told them i respected them trying and i knew they cared for each other but that they would never ever work. and if you know my parents then you know that trying to picture them together is like trying to couple chimpanzees and giraffes. seriously. they were dismissive of me and the next two years went into such a full tilt crazypants that i just broke off from them mentally and emotionally for a few years.

also, let me put a foot note here that i love my parents. this isn't about bashing them. my parents are fantastic people. they always tried to talk to me and treat me like a person and with respect. and i'm sure that in part they stayed together for my sake - they felt it was something i deserved. so not one word of this is intended to cast any aspersions on them. they were young and in a trying circumstance with few ideas of how to handle it. but they tried to find the answer and that part is good. they taught me to seek answers. the problem is - they never taught me when to quit. the only way out was for all things to be completely desiccated. and there was no sense that sometimes things just don't work. if it doesn't work; it's because you didn't try hard enough. and it's your fault.

so anyway, the point is (i realize i've lost my coherence) - the general outlook is that divorce is horrible for kids and that anyone who says the opposite is just full of it. now, i agree that you can't walk at the first sign of trouble especially when there are kids involved but at some point you truly are doing them a favor. i promise.

one of the best things that's happened to me in . . .

i got this letter this morning from an old friend. i don't think s/he would object to my sharing it since i'll do so anonymously. i have removed couple of things as an extra safe guard but . . .

"Dear Cassie:

I am so happy to have crossed paths with you again! Interesting how it coincides with my starting another go-round with "The Artist's Way" course. Writing a thank you letter to someone who encouraged me is today's assignment. So there you are.

When you first gave me "The Artist's Way" back in--what '96? '97? I READ it cover-to-cover, but I didn't DO it until 2003. I suspect I was afraid to be held accountable for whatever I'd learn about myself.

As you know, I'm sure, the course changed me in a bunch of subtle ways AND in a few very profound ways. I look forward to the conversations and visits it will take to catch you up on all of that.

At any rate, since then, I have given copies of "The Artist's Way" to several folks--paying it forward, as it were. Most recently, I gave a copy to XXX, which is why I am going through the course again. So far, going through it with someone else is shaping up to be a very different, very intense, very cool experience.

And it is all your fault. How nifty! I will be forever grateful to you for constantly reminding me to look at the world from as many different angles as possible. I'm especially thankful that you thought I could even do it. Certainly none of our other co-workers thought I was anything but a right-wing conservative bitch. I appreciate that you considered it a challenge to poke at that and see what else I was made of, see if you could find any potential there.

Maybe you didn't know that I found that to be so terrific. Often, I bet, you just enjoyed getting a reaction out of me. Well, I almost always enjoyed it, too. I could use more of that in my life, for sure.

Know, too, that I would never have gone back to college without you. Seems silly now, but your help with my admission essay to Lesley was invaluable. Besides your great writing and editing skills, your assumption that I was capable of even being a college student again got me out of my own ridiculous way.

Know that you have gained good karma; stored up some treasure in heaven by me. Thank you!

Peace, "

so yeah, that's - - this morning was pretty upsetting for a number of reasons and then poof! there was this.

is it over yet

representative joe wilson - disgraceful. his site is off line at the moment. if he was a democrat his career would be over . . . we'll see what happens

the rebuttal to the speech was pretty silly too. i understand it has to be written ahead of time but it didnt' address the president's speech at all so it makes me wonder if they really are just talking past each other. i'm so tired of the whole thing. but tomorrow i will wake up reinvigorated and researching info again. and why you ask?? why??? because it's less unpleasant than anything else i have to think about lately - except my little boy of course.

yep

i am seriously burnt out on typing. quite a bit of it about this obama speech because the country is apparently back on the crack pipe. actually speaking of crack - i had an anti-obama person tell me that i should look up marion barry's march on d.c. really? marion barry? i always think of chris rock "we tell kids don't smoke crack you won't be nothing - - - 'i could be mayor'" i'm not going to recount the whole damned thing now because i've kinda had it plus there is the whole everyone is insane thing going on.

i saw my tmj doctor today. i might be in love with him. just because of his working on me - not because of him. although he's a very nice man.

i guess i should go to bed since last night the kid got me up at 12 and again at 1.3 at which point he came to my room to sleep and proceeded to sleep on top of my head for the whole night. his grandparents loaded him up on sugar so i think that was why but just in case thi sis a new trend.

i go back to work tomorrow and i am seriously screwed with how much i have to do.

the one year anniversary of gideon's death is coming up

anyone see summer go by

i can't believe labor day is over. it took me a long time to "get into" summer so to speak this year. which was really stupid of me since my ability to do such a thing is about to be severely compromised. i know; i'm not supposed to look at it that way but i can't help but give quite a bit of pause to the fact that two id not going to travel as well as one.

speaking of the one i got. he had a bad dream i think and i have just spent about an hour in hi bed laying down with him to stave off "monsters" so i have been asleep on a toddler sized daybed for the last hour or so. what i'm trying to tell you - this post should have been a long drawn out make up for lost time post but instead zzzzz

guess it's the month for it

my old sensei is dying. my relationship with him has been broken for years but for carl this is . . . he got cancer maybe a year ago. a little more. i remember being vaguely angry about it when gideon died. not . . . it was like - i was waiting for a death; i was prepared for one; sort of waiting and then gideon was deaad. like waiting for a right hook and get slammed with a left. anyway, sucks for carl; carl has been his student since he was 15. couple of weeks on the outside. very sad.

the belly dweller moves consistently.

good gravy

if you're on my facebook list you know i have been typing all damned day and i'm pretty friggin tired of it.

we are supposed to go to provincetown tomorrow. we'll see. i told my son we were going to do something special and he actually said "i want to do something special at home" haha he was with my mom all week (me part of it) down the cape so i think he's happy to be home. plus we have a little drama going on here but i cant' talk about it just yet.

seriously - pages of posts

ggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i am annoyed by so many things at the moment. no really - i am just beyond fucking annoyed. everyone and every damned thing is pissing me off. the only other thing i feel - i mean besides gigantic and in pain and out of breathe. so if you haven't annoyed me today - it's probably because i haven't talked to you. i should probably nap.

so fucking typical

this is the first day of my "vacation". the word is in quotes because so far i have spent it working. and i have work to bring with me. and yes, it's all well and good to say just don't do it but all i will get for that is a load of shit. but it's fine because i'm sure that there is recognition just around the corner. that should be read dripping in sarcasm. what the hell am i going to do. i recognize the futility of talking to anyone about how i see work going but it doesn't stop me from being upset. so when do i let things go - and when do i confront things. yeah, now i'm just completely pissed.

and ya know what - it's not just work. i need more than a vacation.

mea culpa mea culpa mea maximus . . eh, eff you

so sunday i was down the cape where we apparently don't have internet. i'm going back tomorrow so i will have to do a post early and then last night i passed out at like 9 - i was just gonna close my eyes a minute :) i think going to bed / waking up early actually suits me even though i can't seem to manage to do it.

so yeah, i took two days and i am going to the cape. my mother is already down there with my son. this is officially as long as i have ever been away from him. it's flipping me out a little. but i think he's having fun. my mother has been taking him to the beach. he adores her anyway. it's really very sweet. i stayed with them on sunday night - we slept in the same bed which he thought was the bees knees but i, on the other hand, don't sleep much - keep expecting him to fall off the bed and then he wakes me up at 2.30 for a glass of water. he was asking about something else too that was total gibberish so i just hoped he was talking ragtime and would go back to sleep but no "momma, momma, momma . . . i want some water, momma momma momma" and of course he falls back asleep in like 3 minutes. me? not so much. okay, now i'm just making myself sad.

so yeah, i have these two days off but i don't think there is any way that i am going to be able to not work during them. i have so much to do. and my boss is still crazy. she's had me workingon this other project for weeks now and doesn't realize how much else i do so in the meantime i have all this shit falling by the wayside and no one else kows what i've been doing. so on that note - i'm going to do some work so that hopefully i can enjoy a tiny bit of my time off.

true romance

such a great and underrated movie. here's a fantastic scene.



oh and andrea i have had chicken pox. a very mild case. they said i could get it again but i'm feeling pretty confident - in 1993 the director at the daycare center i worked at was adamant (no matter how much we protested) that shingles and chicken pox weren't related. as a result - one little infected the entire school sooo i would think that if it was ever gonna pop up again it would have been when i was exposed to 60 little kids who literally snotted all over me ;) anyhoo - there's nothing i can do about it. i already called my ob and they were basically like well, we could check to see if you have been exposed but we aren't going to do anything unless you actually break out with symptoms.

i really could have used an extra day this weekend. tomorrow we head off to my cousin's birthday brunch; then t o go to where my mom rented a place on the cape. the i come home monday morning. carl goes down monday night.

and on that note . . . i need to either pack the child up or go to sleep. if only there were a way to do both.

okay i'm over it

this whole being pregnant thing

my son said dam today. it old himmt at i didn't like that and then asked where he got that word from. he looked at me and said "um, i don't know; from my mouth" so tht'll teach me.

it's only 9pm and i am already ready to pass out. and i think i got like 6 hours lastnight. mygoodness i'm old. and gigantic. and a little hungry maybe. how is it that i send my kid to bed and he's not even a little tired and my dumb ass is still awake.

also did i mention carl has shingles? can't remember. poor bastard.

what the hell is with faux news throwing out this quote about 'civilian security' that obama mad ean dtrying to peddle it like he is going to put us under some militia when it was referring to americorps etc. and ALSO when he said it in october 2008. has truth entirely lost it's value. now, you could make an argument about how you feel about americorps. i'd still disagree with you but at least you would be peddling in the truth. but all this crap abou thow it's just another step in his seeking socialism . . . ESPECIALLY when i have to ask - where the hell was the big outrage about bigger government and "brownshirts" when bush started up a whole new agency in the government dedicated to security here at home - you know the one: complete with their weapons adn billions of dollars and violation of citizen's rights.

warm smiles and melancholy

i have a very warm smile because i just spent a night out for dinner with my friend from college laura.

and melancholy because the boy is at his grandmother's and i really want to go hug him right now. or at least rub his back.

carl has shingles. he went to see the doctor about pain in his shoulder thinking it was a torn ligament and found out he's having pain because he has shingles.

laura paid for dinner which i am having a very hard time with.

why is the bbc so much funnier than american television.

of course now i'm itchy which is ridiculous since it doesn't really itch. apparently there is more pain than anything else.

ted kennedy

"great senator / bad date" - denis leary

a friend of mine used that as his FB status this morning. although he wrote it as "ok senator". i don't think he could bear to make himself type "great senator".

anyway that phrase was the second thing that ran through my head when i heard the news this morning. the first thing i thought when carl came in and told me "kennedy is dead" i thought "well, yeah, no shit". the only kennedy i think of when i hear just the last name is jfk.

anyway, the real thing i wanted to tell you was what a complete assclown deval patrick is. the man gets on the radio today and goes into high name drop mode. even going so far as to say that he was the one who talked ted kennedy into backing obama. when patrick was squirming his way into the world - ted was graduating harvard. grrr sorry, little pet peeve with people who name drop especially after the person is dead. if he was such damned good friends with him he would be filling his senate seat like the man asked .

interesting - i'm watching the colbert report. he has gone over to iraq. the troops went totally silent when palin addressed them and had no response when she was finished. she was the only one they reacted that way to. bizarre.

anyhooo - carl has just informed me that he has to get the kid out early so i have to go to bed now. let's see if i can sleep straight through. this morning i was up at 3.20. no, not 4.20 :)

lies; damnable lies and affirmations

the idea is that you keep writing long enough. no matter what clap trap it is and something genius pops thorugh. wrong. i've been writing a lot of crap for a long time now and . . . nada. i don't feel like inspiration comes any more or less often. i have had a poem brewing just beneath the surface about the nature of death and love; destiny and free will but it won't come. maybe it's too big. or maybe the muse is gone. either way - so far over half way in - experiment awry. but what do i know.

anyway, this is not to take the place of today's albatross - er, i mean blog. but going to bed at 9.30 meant i was up at 3.30. le sigh.

beach bumzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i took the boy to the beach today. we met up with my friend lynne and her three kids. he was fine unti l we got home and then there was basically just melt downs. his and then there is me. literally passing out in front of the television while typing this. the thing that amazes me is that i wake up with my hands in typing position.

this morning my son comes into my room sans diaper grabbing himself and tells me "my penis is really big" friggin hilarious.

i am going to bed now. since last night i didn't write what with the whole being up until 3am working thing.

it's 9pm. i hear tell that people go to bed around this time every once in a while.

victoria claflin woodhull

ever heard of her? i thought not. see this is the kind of thing that when jackasses are talking about "what are we supposed to do make up important women and minorities in history . .. ?" nope, because they are right there for the offering. she was apparently the first woman to make a bid for the presidency though the legality of her bid is contended. but still she was nominated by the equality party and ran. actually ran three times though the last seems to have been more 'in name only'. additionally, she was the first woman to enter the stock market and made money hand over fists. she also ran a newspaper and published an article in support o f"free love" which by the way doesn't mean what you think it means. it isn't promiscuity. it's varying degrees of marriage freedom. at that time it likely meant the fact that divorce was nearly impossible; that there was no such thing as spousal rape etc. etc. but also extends to those of us who don't believe that marriage should be state sanctioned. i would favor a more civil contract that is clearly outlined; has individual and specific agreements and penalties for breaking those agreements. this "marriage is sacred and therefore can't be defined and people can just walk whenever they feel like it etc etc" bullshit is just that. but i digress - big time. the point is this chick was significant and i never heard of her. and there is a whole huge list actually following that point. perhaps i will review the others later. if they're interesting that is.

the problem with this blog has become this - it isn't that i have nothing to say. it's that the stuff i have to say now is not for public consumption. though i suppose i should start writing it down somewhere

i don't know how the time keeps getting away from me - during the day and days passing. although, at the same time it feels as though i have been pregnant forever. and i look ridiculous

foggy

seriously pain and trying to deal with it makes you foggy.

we went to my cousin's pool party. my boy LOOOOOVES the water. it was so cute. we put the little bubble on him and off he went. swam right into the deep end. we had to pretend to be alligators. seeing my family is difficult to some degree. it's a mixture of wishing we were closer and at the same time feeling like they don't get me even when i explain myself. sigh. families.

the funny thing is; at heart i'm a family person. i believe in family loyalty and being there for each other and all that but i've always felt so distanced / other. not that it is painful to be around them i don't mean that. it is mostly enjoyable. particularly this time - all the little babies of all us cousins running around.

course my first cousin basically offered to babysit malachai which is really really nice but i'm afraid she might indoctrinate him - pro-fundamentalism, antigay etc. and i'm really only being a tiny bit hyperbolic

anyway, it was a lovely day and it is a late night and i have to figure out how to be four different places at once tomorrow. whoo hooo

mostly politics

well, the president has disappointed me again. apparently he has asked religious groups to support his healthcare reform. he came very close to saying that it was a mission from god.

i really thought we are were all done with presidents on a mission from god.

speaking of which the other little news bit was ridge's telling us that the terror levels were artificiallhy pumped up around the re-election. now if only i could remember who i made that bet wiht.

someone mentioned today that it's frustrating that ridge didn't speak up then. everyone failed then; democrat and republican alike. there was alamost complete silence at everything that rampant cowboy felt like doing. and the media was silent too. that story on the president's seeking endorsement from religious leaders was done by FAUX news. now, there were stories on bush's religious craziness but i don't remember fox running with it.

alright i'm going to try to sleep before the leg pain makes that impossible.

seriously cute kid

my boy was eating a popsicle and trying to tell me a story at the same time. he was stammering a bit and i said to him (apparently for the first time) spit it out. he stopped dead and looked at me quite perplexed. "my mother wants me to spit food out".

about a week ago or so the kid tells me that his sister (no we don't know what we are having) has "gone home" which, despite the fact that i am not all that superstitious, freaked me out a little. anyway, i said why did she go home. he said to be with her mommy and daddy. i said, but i'm her mommy. he had a big belly laugh and then said - nuhuh; you're MY mommy. oh boy!

so i think this jaw treatment is actually going to work. i don't necessarily feel a lot of relief today but i feel likeit shifted soemthing.

now if i could just make the pain in my legs go away that would be dandy.

here we go again

between 4/5 weeks and 11/12 i had these horrible and bizarre pains in my legs. they finally went away at 12 weeks or so. they lasted longer and more intensely than when i was pregnant with malachai. nwo with malachai they never came back. guess what i woke up to this morning. i am not happy about this i'll tell you that much.

oh, and kim - i really like abigail actually but it's overdone and i hate "abby" so there you go.

i'll be sleeping downstairs tonight in the air conditioning - and yes that means my house hasn't gotten any cleaner. le sigh.

you know how distracting it is to try and think of interesting things when you're in pain.

we have moths in our upstairs hallway and i have no idea where the hell they came from. it's all like exorcist and what not. well, okay, not as creepy or plentiful as the flies but still.

feeling very preggers but i still have a belly button!

this is one active baby.

i wish my company had iphones. i can't justify buying my own cell phone when they are paying for it but iphones are so awesome.

it really needs to cool down because i have sunk into lazinees and a little bit of a funk and between that and the heat i just ahve not been able to clean the house and it really needs to happen.

what the hell am i gonna name this kid.

i won't say i hate my job but when i think of working there for the rest of my life i have a sinking feeling in my stomach which increases when i think of what the hell else i'm gonna do. it's definitely a trapped sort of feeling.

there have been people bringing guns to protests outside of obama events. meanwhile, two people were arrested at a bush event for anti-bush shirts. my mind is going to break.

i guess that my doctor doesn't consider my weight a problem because he mentioned off hand at my appointment that i was at low risk for gestational diabetes. i can't remember if i told you that yesterday.

robert novak died - apparently he was dying just feet from me in BWH when i went in for my appointment.

day after tomorrow my jaw therapy starts.

i'm taking name suggestions

also, my browser is going a little whacky so i'm posting this before i lose it

it's hotter tahn hot

what the hell is with all these daycares that seem to be designed for people who don't have t o work? are there that many sah's that are just sending their kids to school anyway. good gravy.

reno collier - he's a comedian. he's pretty good but he's like a train wreck to watch. i don't know something about him is so strange looking that i can't stop or maybe it's when he talks.

so i recently found out that lincoln introduced the income tax - 3% on those making 600 and above. just a little piece of trivia.

okay - i promise that tomorrow i won't argue with the kid on FB about obama. there are emails i'm supposed to write too grrrrrr. i've easily produced three or four pages today though.

listen people

i have been arguing healthcare all damned day before and after a four year olds birthday party so my fingers barely even work anymore so can't you give me a break

i have got to figure out a name for this kid i'm carrying.


oh, doctor's appointment tomorrow. for real this time!

well, it's very late at night and my boss comes back from vacation tomorrow so she will be a total whirlwind set on making my life miserable. i should sleep.

OH OH OH - jaw treatment begins this week - whooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooo

and speaking of jokes

c. thomas howell is in a movie on syfy right now (did i mention how much i hate writing syfy) anyhoooooooo he's supposed to look rough in this movie and boy howdy did they succeed. hell i look better than him and i don't wear makeup let alone have someone professionally apply it for me. ponyboy was ridden hard and put up wet. get it?? get it?? good stuff!

oh, so the reason i said speaking of jokes. my son told me a joke tonight
"how do you get the butter in the fridge?"
"i don't know"
"peanut butter and milk"
makes me happy just looking at it :)

i've eaten a package of twizzlers today. so sad. i love twizzlers though. they aren't even food. you open them up and you're like mmm, yummy smelling plastic.

i watched the haunting in connecticut today. it had fantastic possibility but poor follow through. when are they gonna get that the 'why' a place is haunted is where the story is. i mean they went inot that but it was vague. which after doing some reading seems to be because the author wasn't given much to work with but was given enough that he had to stick with it. but still they could have done better.

this looks promising http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/colony/colony.html if i could ever actually track a show. best i can tell the idea is these people have to rebuild as though the grid collapsed. npr had a whole show today about the possibility fo us falling off the grid. i have to look it up because i mmissed most of it. i don't know; on the one hand it seems like a reasonable proposition but on the other hand; the country is still littered with "bomb shelters".

tomorrow i'll try "the unborn". i am dying to see a good horror movie. get it. dying. i know - it's no peanut butte rand milk.

heartburn and exhaustion

that's what's going on here

i know i should be over the whole death thing - i wish i was. honestly just be thankful i don't tell you about it as much as i think about it or in near that amount of detail. one of these days i'll go on a diatribe. for now i'll content with dribs and drabs and try to spare you the nonsense.

there are a lot of changes i have to make around her in a short amount of time but i just can't sem to find the motivation or the energy. wait, is that one thing. no those are different.

something is on my ceiling that i swear is a crossbreed of ant and spider. or maybe i'm just so tired i'm starting to hallucinate. although i slept nearly seven straight hours last night. oh that reminds me. so i went upstairs to bed around 10.3 and as i get into bed i realize that i haven't blogged. i try the computer upstairs but there is no internet connection. but if i go downstairs then i'll be up for hours more cuz that's what i do. and well, i really have to start taking care of myself one of these days.

so i would have gotten a straight eight hours but my son came in and pulled the covers off of me. like i was a little kid. it was very funny.

i love him so much. i wish i had more energy or was more engaged for him right now. not that i'm ignoring him. i just feel overstressed and out of it a lot. so much changing all at once. for me and for him.

grumbling

when i was seven we went to texas. we visited with old friends of my parents from when we lived there when i was two. they had a son my age. mark. i thought of it today because it was the first place and time i had dr. pepper. i actually remember tasting it for the first time. i was very excited. hell, i was seven what the hell did i know. mark and i were gonna get married. yeah, yeah, i know we were seven. but it was mroe the dying thing that made it irrelevant. so yeah, i'd say if i really love you - - - well, maybe you don't want me to

okay, that's it for today. i have, once again, been typing all day.

coming totally unglued

so that ob appointment i had this morning. yeah, no, that appointment was for Monday at 9.30 not Tuesday. ick.

secondly- i don't need an advisory for a show with sex in it but it would be nice if they ran a "there's gonna be a dead baby" advisory on tv. wtf.

gideon was in my dream last night. i wish i could get drunk. whine whine whine

i engaged in poor parenting today - we watched a movie when he got home from school but with all the bullshit at work and being tired and blah blah blah. i figure one day of television isn't gonna kill him right?

that jackass that verbally bitchslapped me yesterday on the phone . . . "oh gee sorry i was testy". wtf; do people think before they type or speak? this is work for cripes sake. do you know how many times i want to fire off an email or call someone and just tell em off. hell, maybe i should - seems like success is readily available to thos that do exactly what they please and when. i'm not bitter - i'm serious.

i just need to regroup. i'm just not entirely sure how that is supposed to happen. can i get a do over?

I am so effing pissed

i am seriously sick and fucking tired of people jsut thinking they can say whatever the fuck they want to me. everyone likes to joke that i'm a bitch and yet - i just got two emails from someone who is also working on the website - totally trying to bitchslap me. and for what?? cuz i misunderstood somethign. so he sends the first email that "sets me straight" and then FIVE FUCKING MINUTES LATER - LITERALLY!! he sends another email that begins with "let me try this again". i had not sent him anything or responded in any way in those five minutes why the fuck would yu say "let me try this again". it is so very difficult to not respond to people in exactly the manner that they spoke to me. for instance - "how bout you try it once and give me a chance to react before you come around try to get all high and mighty with me." but of course i don't. and it's the same in my personal life - everyone gets to comment on my behaviour, my demeanor. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i'm seriously pissed right the fuck off. maybe what pisses me off the most is constantly being told that i'm the person that _doesn't_ happen to. oh, yeah, i know, i'm reeeeeallly scary. if only it kept people from constant commentary. i know i've bitched about this before. you know what - i'll bitch about it again and i'll keep bitching about it until it stops bugging me. everyone can just bite me. i don't really see how this is good for my jaw :)

ob/gyn appointment tomorrow.also - giant effing headache. well, more likeside of face and jaw and neck ache. and now with a little taste of acid stomach.

words

it's hard for me to imagine now that there was a time that i found my mind to be a very interesting place to hang out. i won't pretend that i didn't have huge negative spots in my life and that some times i wasn't tormented by my thoughts. i used to spend a lot of tiem thinking about the origins of the universe, the nature and possibility of the existence of a divine presence, what truth was, what morality was - - and i couldn't think just muse on these things sometimes, they were on my mind nearly constantly. well, with interruptions of friendships and "boys". hmm, although actually even those things i tended to think of throught the realm of higher truth. now i don't really

so i am 21 weeks and 1 day through this pregnancy and i would be so ready for it to be over if it wasn't for the fact that i am feeling pretty scared about having baby 2 which as i understand it is fairly normalplus i don't have a real model for how one raises siblings. and to speak as frankly as possible nearly all the sibling sets i've ever seen add to my fear.

leave me alone

i have work to do - uck - i can't believe i have work to do

but we had a very lovely day at the beach with my friend that i haven't seen since college. it was great. her son is about a year younger than malachai.

i got a nice email from this woman that i did a shamanism course with.

we're gonna try to go to a lammas celebration tomorrow. it is at a wiccan church. i'm thinking about going there. i need to be going somewhere.

the skunks are out again.

my wrist hurts.

my boss is totally crazy.

that's about it

how was your day?

cuz i'm a rebel like that

i did it! i cut my own bangs. i always say i'm not gonna and then four months goes by and what can i do. my hairdresser gets pissed but hey - when i told him last time to trim it and put two layers in and he cut three inches off and went layer crazy well . . .

so this morning my son went in my witchcraft/yoga/meditation room. i have my grandmother's sacred heart jesus bust in there.
kai: who's that
me: oh, that's jesus
kai: yeah, that's jesus
pause
kai: gam-gam and i saw jesus at church
me: oh yeah?
kai: yeah.
pause
kai: jesus is a funny guy

i coulda died laughing althought of course i didn't laugh at all just said "oh yeah?" inside i'm thinking 'you know kid, if there was a jesus he'd probably be cool with that but . . ." yeah, until the country climate changes a bit i have got to figure out a way to discourage him from saying stuff like that.


i do find bill maher a tad uppity but on the other hand http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/new-rule-smart-president_b_253996.html
my favorite part "Until we admit that America can make a mistake, we can't stop the next one."

i know - let the beatings begin.

perchance to be disturbed

typing with my eyes closed. i wonder if i can type in my sleep. some people do that automatic writinng. i wonder if i can.

bits and pieces of dreams have been finding me here and there - i mean dreams that i have had years and years ago. little bits and pieces. they go real well with the bizarre ones i've been having on a regular basis like the one i just woke up with where we all bought time running from a mass murderer.

you'll not i said woke up with - at 2.3 am laptop on lap; hands in typing position. so you'll excuse me won't you?

we had joy; we had fun

anything i had left of "nature's first gold" died that day. which i suppose is for the best anyway.

the inlaws leave tomorrow. the cousins were pretty fricking cute together.

anyway, i have to wake them up at 5 and i have barely had time to breathe in the last few days.

my little boy is really growing up.

tomorrow tomorrow i'll hate this tomorrow

i can only find one article corroborating this. which either means it isn't true (keep your fingers crossed) or that no one cares. i'd like to think the former but i'm betting on the latter. the idea is that thye forced a pregnant woman to get care that she didn't want. the rights of the unborn fetus were chosen over her rights. but what do you expect - it's florida; where they are all about keeping yo alive unless of course the state flips the switch on you themselves.
http://www.rantrave.com/Rant/ACLU-to-defend-pregnant-woman.aspx

alright- website work; inlaws here for another day; sooo tired and lazy. night.

every day there is a new definition for crazypants

i know i said i was done but really

http://www.orlytaitzesq.com/blog1/

so weird

i'm watching "more to love". i just saw a woman who is pretty much exactly my weight (well, not pregnant weight)and she looks a lot larger than me. and believe me - i think i'm fat. so weird.

so i only have a week's worth of work to do in the next few days because my boss is a little crazy.

so again you get ripped off - so sue me

sue me ; sue - shoot bullets through me
cuz i love you . . . .

name that musical (without google) and i'll give you chocolate.

throbby throbby

so the camping trip was better than expected though i thik they are all just a little crazy. i mean - door to door we were gone for 36 hours, seems almost not worth it. oh, and then while we are there his sister and brother in law are like "oh, yeah, can we stay with you from mon to sat?" and of course they can. and honestly i'm not angry that they asked last minute like that i just find it bizarre. also, if i had any idea maybe i would have taken a day off to hang with them

anyway, we took a two and a half mile hike that wa lot of nearly straight uphill walking - through a fast running - - mm, idk a brook i guess but it was more than that. anyway, there was a big pool of water that we sat by to have our lunch. which was really beautiful. course we had to slide straight down hill on wet leaves to get to it. whooo hooo. oh, and i drank a crap load of water and found out later that i might have exposed myself to giriardi. no big deal just some sort of amoeba that gives you diarrhea. i think i'm in the clear. the boy like camping and OH he was a trooper!! he did about 3/4 of the hike himself without being carried.

alright that's it. the ice is starting to take care of the swelling in my foot and tomorrow is going to be a long fucking day. so i have had these little pains in my belly here and there. today it occurs to me (because of the strength of the pain) i'm being kicked!

oh yeah, there was no service until you got at least 10 miles away from our camp which is why you didn't hear from me yesterday. i'll see if i can't do two of these tomorrow.

what am i to do

tomorrow am we head for nh to go camping. so i don't know how or if i'm gonna be able to post tomorrow - theoretically i can do it on carl's iphone but we'll see if it even works up there.

i have mixed emotions about this up coming trip. i hope the boy likes camping. i actually can't believe we haven't taken him yet. course, i've never been this kind of camping before either - apparently his parents brought thesee huge tents and air mattresses for us! i said something about not being used to that and carl's dad was like - oh usually you use a foam pad? - er, no. actually carl and i have been on a couple of monstrous trips. there was the one in october in the white mountains with summer gear whooo hoo - then when i was pregnant with malachai we went to one of the islands in boston harbor. the mosquitos were so bad - i watched them eat through my bug spray ; there were dead rabbits everywhere, eaten alive and the next night they actually closed the island down. so, yeah, that was fun. hmm - none of that or all the packing i just did helped in terms of looking forward to this.

goodnight and welcome to august

the sky is falling ; the sky is falling

okay regardless of whether you think obama's healthcare plan is a good idea - the way the republicans are portraying it has simply gone so far crazypants it's . . . well, crazypants. ugh - i just spent like 20 minutes looking for the quotes that i just saw on television and can't. i'll try to find them tomorrow. they basically said the hell plan was equivalent to mass murder. and that is a tiny hair of exaggeration but only a tiny hair.

omg - the president had beer with gates and crowley today. foxnews and npr bashed his choice of bud light as it is owned by a company in brazil. but what do you expect from obama he wasn't even born in this country, right?

the sky is falling!! the sky is falling!!! we're all gonna die - well, all the white people. black people will probably eat our brains afterwards.

i'd love to know if any of these people have actually READ the healthcare proposal. i've made it half way through. i'm glad for one thing so far - if it goes through i will be able to leave my job if i want and still get coverage for my leg which is currently not really an option for me. anyway, i understand objections to it. i can see some concerns. i don't share most of them but i get it but can we just have a grown up conversation. can we not talk about how 'this means we are taking medicare away from all the elderly'. also, republicans keep talking about how private is better - i will buy it when they sign themselves up for a ppo instead of taking their government healthcare. just one more thing - does anyone have a pair of testicles that the democrats could borrow.

i seem to have, i hope temporarily, lost my mouth guard. this is really not good news.

the father in law is here. the mother in law will be her tomorrow. saturday morning we head to nh to camp. well, sort of - they are bring air mattresses and gigantic tents. mind you i'm not complaining; i've been in enough pain lately but i've never camped like this.

ooooo - i think i just saw that wii has a sword game. i might have to think about that after all.

so carl gave up the dojo in allston. we spent a lot of nights there - sigh.

if you haven't seen this; it's old but oh oh - so fantastic



k - gotta go find something to eat :D

not quite better than sex but . . .

i ate dinner over like 4 hours tonight - not stuffing myself jsut eating a little. doing some stuff around the house; eating a little more - - shrimp steak lobster chocolate mmmmmmmmmmm

plus i was home all alone tonight. the boy stayed with his grandmother and carl had a work thing until 9 or 10 and is staying over in town so he can pick up the kid in the morning. it was great. perfect combination of getting stuff done and relaxing.

so if i had just waited to open my email until tomorrow it would have been a completely perfect evening. i don't really expect people to check on me or anything but is it to much to ask a moments thought before you rub salt in my wounds or slice open new ones.

but that's okay i'm gonna have some frozen yogurt now and dream of a place where . . . well it won't matter cuz it's frozen yogurt. :)

my kingdom for . . . eh, what difference does it make i got no stinking kingdom

i went to see the biofeedback guy today which i guess is a combination shrink / mind therapy dude. all i could think of was adam ferrara one of his bits he says "i went to see a counselor; but i was totally italian about it - my friends say 'so how'd it go' i said he didnt' get nothing out of me" course the real trick is to give them enough that you don't appear to be shut down. i'm actually a big fan of counseling as a concept but being a slightly weird kid in the suburbs in the 70s they were all about sending me to one person after another. most of them were full of shit so i was full of shit right back. when i was older i went to see one lady who made me really uncomfortable and the second session i told her that. her response was "well, what do you think your hang up with me is / what can you do to move past it". needless to say i didn't go back. so anyway, yeah, i'm in favor of the concept but a lot of counselors are full of shit. i mean it's true that people who are a little effed are drawn to that career. i was going to be a counselor. anyway, he was a pretty nice guy. i'll go back to them to learn mind over matter techniques for pain.

i watch saving grace. it's a good show. it's also nice that it constantly mentions and remembers those that are still in iraq and afghanistan. since most people here seem to forget that any of that is going on. the democrats would like to forget about it since they know they did the wrong thing in the first place by not objecting to this nonsense. and the republicans who built the whole last eight years on how important it was and blah blah blah now want to distance themselves besides they're all so busy exclaiming how the sky is falling and our entire union is going to fall apart. hell, the whole world is coming to an end. right because the last eight years were so successful.

anyway it's a good show. but why does everything on television try to convince you that there is going to be intense love affairs and a best friend who is going to stick by you no matter what.

here's a better question for you - why the hell does my cat carry socks around the house meowing and then leaving them everywhere. or how bout this one - why do i wake up around 10pm lately grrr

today has passed me by

i'm so aggravated at so many things. politics. people's lack of ability (on all sides) to actually listen to the whole story. i'll try to summon the energy to elaborate on that point but suffice it to say gatesgate just isn't as simple as "stupid cop" or "bastard professor". things rarely are that simple. i wish i could be like the rest of the world and feel that way. and even better not question . . . well, anything. stuff at home. work. my own brain. and then basically i get aggravated at myself for being aggravated.

i go to the biofeedback guy tomorrow. hopefully he can do something for me. maybe if i was in less pain i would be less aggravated; which would help with the whole holding my body completely tensed and gritting my teeth which might help me be in less pain and you see where this could be preferable to the vicious circle.

and maybe i'll actually be able to write something. because right now . . .

anyway - this kid moves a lot and my belly is giant

it's just not getting any better

i did write a full blog but i erased it. i'm gonna cop out and say - if you don't have anything good to say . . ..

i have a tan

which is bizarre for me - in fact i sort of go out of my way to not get a tan. but i got burnt last weekend and then we went to the zoo today and a i got another little burn. it's weird when i get any little amount of color i get these little white dots that show up.

adam ferrara - very funny.

so john ridley wrote this . . . mess about the whole gates incident. i posted a reply. part of my reply was to say that the article was poorly written. they didn't post it. how pathetic are you when you can't take criticism. i was not rude - i used no profanity. here's the article. it's horrid. i don't have my reply because they didn't post it and it didn't occur to me to copy it anywhere.

the mother in law comes tomorrow with bagels and mmmmm lox.

aigh!! my scar is itchy but i can't scratch it. i mean i can but it doesn't effect it. grrrrrrrrrr

alright, gotta go finish cleaning up.

don't wanna

tomorrow am we go to the zoo then possibly to the dojo and then possibly to the lowell folk festival; carl's mother comes to town sunday brunchish until - idk when. i just don't have the motivation for all this. especially because next weekend we will be gone all weekend - camping with carl's family. I have to get shit together for htat too. uck. i want to be at home and do nothing. which i know isn't good for me but i feel like even that is an effort most days.

so that said - i need my .. . mmm, not beauty, my annoyance? sleep.