because there's just been way too much good news

so i got my glucose screening back and it was elevated so i have to take the three hour test. so whoopi doo i could have gestational diabetes too. rock and roll!! "The good news is that most women whose screening test shows elevated blood sugar don't turn out to have gestational diabetes." but these days i don't put a huge amount of stock in good news i'm sorry to say.

OH and they want me to take the H1N1 vaccine so i'm caught between the fact that i don't trust the vaccine and i do trust my doctor. le sigh.

when i tell you that i hate two of my cats i suppose that sounds cruel and maybe even a bit creepy to you. but what's really creepy is that one of them sits a foot and a half from me and just watches me. she can and will do this for as long as it takes for me to get up and then she will follow me wherever i head in the house and then right back. and that doesn't even count when she literally paces me step for step around the kitchen as i cook. so really, the fact that i haven't staple gunned her to the floor or duct taped her to the wall . .. . makes me a damn fine human

oh, the joys of hormones

i had a dark moment of the soul tonight. carl went to visit elliott. i took my son out to eat and we went for ice cream afterwards. as i watched him shovel strawberry ice cream into his mouth - i was sorry that i brought him into this world. not sorry to have him here - he is literally the very epitome of light and love. people that aren't us have said that about him. reminding myself how lucky i was to have him here just made me feel guiltier. then i went trifecta on myself when i realized that with thoughts like that i wasn't going to be able to teach him to have a joy for life.

as you can see it's been a rough day and since, like a night of drunken debauchery i will tomorrow regret having told you that - i don't really feel bad leaving it at that.

the very embodiment of boredom

yeah, i went to the doctor today - turns out i'm not carrying a 15 pound baby. which i suppose is a good and bad thing at the same time. i mean - i have to deliver this baby but on the other hand i have no explanation for the other mmmmphh pounds i gained.

the internet is a very bad thing. there are more people with opinions than facts. i just got done reading a post about breastfeeding - which i advocate - that made the statement - "its what most women used to do and we didn't have the childhood diseases and learning disabilities" the fact is - it ISN'T what most women used to do. well, depending on how far back you want to go. but starting around 1900 a majority of women formula fed - some using commercial and some a homemade concoction. by the 70s about 75% of women formula fed and the majority of them used commercial formula. i love to prove my point too particularly when i really believe in something but using half facts or things that sound like facts to make you point is lazy and disingenuous.

i go to see my boyfriend tomorrow - the tmj doctor. he's so dreamy.

baby news

so tomorrow i go in and have an ultrasound and they "weigh" the baby. course if the baby weighs anything short of 15 pounds i'm not sure i want to hear it. i assume they will look for downs markers again. okay there's other crap i'm worried about but eh

then afterwards i get to do like a week's worth of work in a day or two. le sigh.

i guess this tattoo plan isn't going to come through. not in time anyway. i was supposed to go there and i just never made it there. it's been a rough few months in terms of - well, many things - especially getting stuff done.

i did manage to get some stuff done today but nothing like i should have.

i suppose i should go to bed.

maybe i'll have a peach first. i've only had three of them today.

disappointed

an anti-choice protester was killed yesterday. as you well know i am vehemently pro-choice but this does not mean i think the opposition should be silenced and under no circumstances harmed. at present it seems this person was not even particularly pro-choice. he also killed a gravel pit owner and was on his way to kill another guy when he was caught. he was offended by the graphic images being displayed in front of a school. why he couldn't file a complaint with the police or counterdemonstrate or petition the school . . . ?

i was disappointed in reuters who apparently just reprinted randall terry's article as their own and therefore included this little tidbit: "They will also discuss the Obama Administration's response and the response of the child-killing movement." i don't even feel like discussing the number of things wrong with that statement but it isn't because i disagree with the content that i object. okay, maybe that is part of it. but i just wish that the news would work a little harder at being less opinionated.

i am also disappointed in the pro-choice movements relative silence on the subject. now, unlike some that i have read - i do not find this an apples to apples comparison with the killing of tiller. but it doesn't change the fact that a statement should be made. a strong statement. i have written NARAL on that very subject and left their page on FB. i heard they did issue a statement but it isn't on their website and it damned well should be. if they couldn't do it for decencies sake then they should have done it for political reasons. i am getting more disappointed by the moment.

damn near plagiarism

not really but i'm running out of friggin' titles. anyway, a friend posted on FB today "i'm a child of divorce - i know what i'm talking about". i'm not calling that friend out by name because i'm not calling him out at all. i don't know what the context was or what he was talking about that he was affirming that he knew what he was talking about about (hehe). but it got me to thinking about my own experience of divorce and i am truly running out of shit to talk to - well, stuff i'm willing to.

my parents separated when i was three ; again when i was eleven and finally for good right before i was eighteen. by the time i was sixteen i sat them each down separately and begged them to divorce. i don't remember much about my reaction at three. but at eleven - the first two months were hard. especially since the way it happened was i came home from two weeks at overnight camp - we drove four hours with the two of them losing their shit at each other; got home and he went upstairs and packed and left. little blindsided. but after the initial shock - it was actually pretty good. it was hard on my mom and of course i was with her more so i fought with her more but overall my parents had begun to actually interact with me consistently as opposed to randomly fighting with each other through me. plus there was no more constant screaming in my house. the only thing that really sucked about it was being made fun of by kids in my neighborhood. when my mother started spending sundays with us i was pissed.

now don't get me wrong. we had good times all together as a family - truly and there were some really good years in fact. but eventually . . . like i said by 16 i could see that they were fighting a losing battle. i told them i respected them trying and i knew they cared for each other but that they would never ever work. and if you know my parents then you know that trying to picture them together is like trying to couple chimpanzees and giraffes. seriously. they were dismissive of me and the next two years went into such a full tilt crazypants that i just broke off from them mentally and emotionally for a few years.

also, let me put a foot note here that i love my parents. this isn't about bashing them. my parents are fantastic people. they always tried to talk to me and treat me like a person and with respect. and i'm sure that in part they stayed together for my sake - they felt it was something i deserved. so not one word of this is intended to cast any aspersions on them. they were young and in a trying circumstance with few ideas of how to handle it. but they tried to find the answer and that part is good. they taught me to seek answers. the problem is - they never taught me when to quit. the only way out was for all things to be completely desiccated. and there was no sense that sometimes things just don't work. if it doesn't work; it's because you didn't try hard enough. and it's your fault.

so anyway, the point is (i realize i've lost my coherence) - the general outlook is that divorce is horrible for kids and that anyone who says the opposite is just full of it. now, i agree that you can't walk at the first sign of trouble especially when there are kids involved but at some point you truly are doing them a favor. i promise.

one of the best things that's happened to me in . . .

i got this letter this morning from an old friend. i don't think s/he would object to my sharing it since i'll do so anonymously. i have removed couple of things as an extra safe guard but . . .

"Dear Cassie:

I am so happy to have crossed paths with you again! Interesting how it coincides with my starting another go-round with "The Artist's Way" course. Writing a thank you letter to someone who encouraged me is today's assignment. So there you are.

When you first gave me "The Artist's Way" back in--what '96? '97? I READ it cover-to-cover, but I didn't DO it until 2003. I suspect I was afraid to be held accountable for whatever I'd learn about myself.

As you know, I'm sure, the course changed me in a bunch of subtle ways AND in a few very profound ways. I look forward to the conversations and visits it will take to catch you up on all of that.

At any rate, since then, I have given copies of "The Artist's Way" to several folks--paying it forward, as it were. Most recently, I gave a copy to XXX, which is why I am going through the course again. So far, going through it with someone else is shaping up to be a very different, very intense, very cool experience.

And it is all your fault. How nifty! I will be forever grateful to you for constantly reminding me to look at the world from as many different angles as possible. I'm especially thankful that you thought I could even do it. Certainly none of our other co-workers thought I was anything but a right-wing conservative bitch. I appreciate that you considered it a challenge to poke at that and see what else I was made of, see if you could find any potential there.

Maybe you didn't know that I found that to be so terrific. Often, I bet, you just enjoyed getting a reaction out of me. Well, I almost always enjoyed it, too. I could use more of that in my life, for sure.

Know, too, that I would never have gone back to college without you. Seems silly now, but your help with my admission essay to Lesley was invaluable. Besides your great writing and editing skills, your assumption that I was capable of even being a college student again got me out of my own ridiculous way.

Know that you have gained good karma; stored up some treasure in heaven by me. Thank you!

Peace, "

so yeah, that's - - this morning was pretty upsetting for a number of reasons and then poof! there was this.

is it over yet

representative joe wilson - disgraceful. his site is off line at the moment. if he was a democrat his career would be over . . . we'll see what happens

the rebuttal to the speech was pretty silly too. i understand it has to be written ahead of time but it didnt' address the president's speech at all so it makes me wonder if they really are just talking past each other. i'm so tired of the whole thing. but tomorrow i will wake up reinvigorated and researching info again. and why you ask?? why??? because it's less unpleasant than anything else i have to think about lately - except my little boy of course.

yep

i am seriously burnt out on typing. quite a bit of it about this obama speech because the country is apparently back on the crack pipe. actually speaking of crack - i had an anti-obama person tell me that i should look up marion barry's march on d.c. really? marion barry? i always think of chris rock "we tell kids don't smoke crack you won't be nothing - - - 'i could be mayor'" i'm not going to recount the whole damned thing now because i've kinda had it plus there is the whole everyone is insane thing going on.

i saw my tmj doctor today. i might be in love with him. just because of his working on me - not because of him. although he's a very nice man.

i guess i should go to bed since last night the kid got me up at 12 and again at 1.3 at which point he came to my room to sleep and proceeded to sleep on top of my head for the whole night. his grandparents loaded him up on sugar so i think that was why but just in case thi sis a new trend.

i go back to work tomorrow and i am seriously screwed with how much i have to do.

the one year anniversary of gideon's death is coming up

anyone see summer go by

i can't believe labor day is over. it took me a long time to "get into" summer so to speak this year. which was really stupid of me since my ability to do such a thing is about to be severely compromised. i know; i'm not supposed to look at it that way but i can't help but give quite a bit of pause to the fact that two id not going to travel as well as one.

speaking of the one i got. he had a bad dream i think and i have just spent about an hour in hi bed laying down with him to stave off "monsters" so i have been asleep on a toddler sized daybed for the last hour or so. what i'm trying to tell you - this post should have been a long drawn out make up for lost time post but instead zzzzz

guess it's the month for it

my old sensei is dying. my relationship with him has been broken for years but for carl this is . . . he got cancer maybe a year ago. a little more. i remember being vaguely angry about it when gideon died. not . . . it was like - i was waiting for a death; i was prepared for one; sort of waiting and then gideon was deaad. like waiting for a right hook and get slammed with a left. anyway, sucks for carl; carl has been his student since he was 15. couple of weeks on the outside. very sad.

the belly dweller moves consistently.

good gravy

if you're on my facebook list you know i have been typing all damned day and i'm pretty friggin tired of it.

we are supposed to go to provincetown tomorrow. we'll see. i told my son we were going to do something special and he actually said "i want to do something special at home" haha he was with my mom all week (me part of it) down the cape so i think he's happy to be home. plus we have a little drama going on here but i cant' talk about it just yet.

seriously - pages of posts

ggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i am annoyed by so many things at the moment. no really - i am just beyond fucking annoyed. everyone and every damned thing is pissing me off. the only other thing i feel - i mean besides gigantic and in pain and out of breathe. so if you haven't annoyed me today - it's probably because i haven't talked to you. i should probably nap.

so fucking typical

this is the first day of my "vacation". the word is in quotes because so far i have spent it working. and i have work to bring with me. and yes, it's all well and good to say just don't do it but all i will get for that is a load of shit. but it's fine because i'm sure that there is recognition just around the corner. that should be read dripping in sarcasm. what the hell am i going to do. i recognize the futility of talking to anyone about how i see work going but it doesn't stop me from being upset. so when do i let things go - and when do i confront things. yeah, now i'm just completely pissed.

and ya know what - it's not just work. i need more than a vacation.

mea culpa mea culpa mea maximus . . eh, eff you

so sunday i was down the cape where we apparently don't have internet. i'm going back tomorrow so i will have to do a post early and then last night i passed out at like 9 - i was just gonna close my eyes a minute :) i think going to bed / waking up early actually suits me even though i can't seem to manage to do it.

so yeah, i took two days and i am going to the cape. my mother is already down there with my son. this is officially as long as i have ever been away from him. it's flipping me out a little. but i think he's having fun. my mother has been taking him to the beach. he adores her anyway. it's really very sweet. i stayed with them on sunday night - we slept in the same bed which he thought was the bees knees but i, on the other hand, don't sleep much - keep expecting him to fall off the bed and then he wakes me up at 2.30 for a glass of water. he was asking about something else too that was total gibberish so i just hoped he was talking ragtime and would go back to sleep but no "momma, momma, momma . . . i want some water, momma momma momma" and of course he falls back asleep in like 3 minutes. me? not so much. okay, now i'm just making myself sad.

so yeah, i have these two days off but i don't think there is any way that i am going to be able to not work during them. i have so much to do. and my boss is still crazy. she's had me workingon this other project for weeks now and doesn't realize how much else i do so in the meantime i have all this shit falling by the wayside and no one else kows what i've been doing. so on that note - i'm going to do some work so that hopefully i can enjoy a tiny bit of my time off.

true romance

such a great and underrated movie. here's a fantastic scene.



oh and andrea i have had chicken pox. a very mild case. they said i could get it again but i'm feeling pretty confident - in 1993 the director at the daycare center i worked at was adamant (no matter how much we protested) that shingles and chicken pox weren't related. as a result - one little infected the entire school sooo i would think that if it was ever gonna pop up again it would have been when i was exposed to 60 little kids who literally snotted all over me ;) anyhoo - there's nothing i can do about it. i already called my ob and they were basically like well, we could check to see if you have been exposed but we aren't going to do anything unless you actually break out with symptoms.

i really could have used an extra day this weekend. tomorrow we head off to my cousin's birthday brunch; then t o go to where my mom rented a place on the cape. the i come home monday morning. carl goes down monday night.

and on that note . . . i need to either pack the child up or go to sleep. if only there were a way to do both.

okay i'm over it

this whole being pregnant thing

my son said dam today. it old himmt at i didn't like that and then asked where he got that word from. he looked at me and said "um, i don't know; from my mouth" so tht'll teach me.

it's only 9pm and i am already ready to pass out. and i think i got like 6 hours lastnight. mygoodness i'm old. and gigantic. and a little hungry maybe. how is it that i send my kid to bed and he's not even a little tired and my dumb ass is still awake.

also did i mention carl has shingles? can't remember. poor bastard.

what the hell is with faux news throwing out this quote about 'civilian security' that obama mad ean dtrying to peddle it like he is going to put us under some militia when it was referring to americorps etc. and ALSO when he said it in october 2008. has truth entirely lost it's value. now, you could make an argument about how you feel about americorps. i'd still disagree with you but at least you would be peddling in the truth. but all this crap abou thow it's just another step in his seeking socialism . . . ESPECIALLY when i have to ask - where the hell was the big outrage about bigger government and "brownshirts" when bush started up a whole new agency in the government dedicated to security here at home - you know the one: complete with their weapons adn billions of dollars and violation of citizen's rights.

warm smiles and melancholy

i have a very warm smile because i just spent a night out for dinner with my friend from college laura.

and melancholy because the boy is at his grandmother's and i really want to go hug him right now. or at least rub his back.

carl has shingles. he went to see the doctor about pain in his shoulder thinking it was a torn ligament and found out he's having pain because he has shingles.

laura paid for dinner which i am having a very hard time with.

why is the bbc so much funnier than american television.

of course now i'm itchy which is ridiculous since it doesn't really itch. apparently there is more pain than anything else.

ted kennedy

"great senator / bad date" - denis leary

a friend of mine used that as his FB status this morning. although he wrote it as "ok senator". i don't think he could bear to make himself type "great senator".

anyway that phrase was the second thing that ran through my head when i heard the news this morning. the first thing i thought when carl came in and told me "kennedy is dead" i thought "well, yeah, no shit". the only kennedy i think of when i hear just the last name is jfk.

anyway, the real thing i wanted to tell you was what a complete assclown deval patrick is. the man gets on the radio today and goes into high name drop mode. even going so far as to say that he was the one who talked ted kennedy into backing obama. when patrick was squirming his way into the world - ted was graduating harvard. grrr sorry, little pet peeve with people who name drop especially after the person is dead. if he was such damned good friends with him he would be filling his senate seat like the man asked .

interesting - i'm watching the colbert report. he has gone over to iraq. the troops went totally silent when palin addressed them and had no response when she was finished. she was the only one they reacted that way to. bizarre.

anyhooo - carl has just informed me that he has to get the kid out early so i have to go to bed now. let's see if i can sleep straight through. this morning i was up at 3.20. no, not 4.20 :)

lies; damnable lies and affirmations

the idea is that you keep writing long enough. no matter what clap trap it is and something genius pops thorugh. wrong. i've been writing a lot of crap for a long time now and . . . nada. i don't feel like inspiration comes any more or less often. i have had a poem brewing just beneath the surface about the nature of death and love; destiny and free will but it won't come. maybe it's too big. or maybe the muse is gone. either way - so far over half way in - experiment awry. but what do i know.

anyway, this is not to take the place of today's albatross - er, i mean blog. but going to bed at 9.30 meant i was up at 3.30. le sigh.

beach bumzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i took the boy to the beach today. we met up with my friend lynne and her three kids. he was fine unti l we got home and then there was basically just melt downs. his and then there is me. literally passing out in front of the television while typing this. the thing that amazes me is that i wake up with my hands in typing position.

this morning my son comes into my room sans diaper grabbing himself and tells me "my penis is really big" friggin hilarious.

i am going to bed now. since last night i didn't write what with the whole being up until 3am working thing.

it's 9pm. i hear tell that people go to bed around this time every once in a while.

victoria claflin woodhull

ever heard of her? i thought not. see this is the kind of thing that when jackasses are talking about "what are we supposed to do make up important women and minorities in history . .. ?" nope, because they are right there for the offering. she was apparently the first woman to make a bid for the presidency though the legality of her bid is contended. but still she was nominated by the equality party and ran. actually ran three times though the last seems to have been more 'in name only'. additionally, she was the first woman to enter the stock market and made money hand over fists. she also ran a newspaper and published an article in support o f"free love" which by the way doesn't mean what you think it means. it isn't promiscuity. it's varying degrees of marriage freedom. at that time it likely meant the fact that divorce was nearly impossible; that there was no such thing as spousal rape etc. etc. but also extends to those of us who don't believe that marriage should be state sanctioned. i would favor a more civil contract that is clearly outlined; has individual and specific agreements and penalties for breaking those agreements. this "marriage is sacred and therefore can't be defined and people can just walk whenever they feel like it etc etc" bullshit is just that. but i digress - big time. the point is this chick was significant and i never heard of her. and there is a whole huge list actually following that point. perhaps i will review the others later. if they're interesting that is.

the problem with this blog has become this - it isn't that i have nothing to say. it's that the stuff i have to say now is not for public consumption. though i suppose i should start writing it down somewhere

i don't know how the time keeps getting away from me - during the day and days passing. although, at the same time it feels as though i have been pregnant forever. and i look ridiculous

foggy

seriously pain and trying to deal with it makes you foggy.

we went to my cousin's pool party. my boy LOOOOOVES the water. it was so cute. we put the little bubble on him and off he went. swam right into the deep end. we had to pretend to be alligators. seeing my family is difficult to some degree. it's a mixture of wishing we were closer and at the same time feeling like they don't get me even when i explain myself. sigh. families.

the funny thing is; at heart i'm a family person. i believe in family loyalty and being there for each other and all that but i've always felt so distanced / other. not that it is painful to be around them i don't mean that. it is mostly enjoyable. particularly this time - all the little babies of all us cousins running around.

course my first cousin basically offered to babysit malachai which is really really nice but i'm afraid she might indoctrinate him - pro-fundamentalism, antigay etc. and i'm really only being a tiny bit hyperbolic

anyway, it was a lovely day and it is a late night and i have to figure out how to be four different places at once tomorrow. whoo hooo

mostly politics

well, the president has disappointed me again. apparently he has asked religious groups to support his healthcare reform. he came very close to saying that it was a mission from god.

i really thought we are were all done with presidents on a mission from god.

speaking of which the other little news bit was ridge's telling us that the terror levels were artificiallhy pumped up around the re-election. now if only i could remember who i made that bet wiht.

someone mentioned today that it's frustrating that ridge didn't speak up then. everyone failed then; democrat and republican alike. there was alamost complete silence at everything that rampant cowboy felt like doing. and the media was silent too. that story on the president's seeking endorsement from religious leaders was done by FAUX news. now, there were stories on bush's religious craziness but i don't remember fox running with it.

alright i'm going to try to sleep before the leg pain makes that impossible.

seriously cute kid

my boy was eating a popsicle and trying to tell me a story at the same time. he was stammering a bit and i said to him (apparently for the first time) spit it out. he stopped dead and looked at me quite perplexed. "my mother wants me to spit food out".

about a week ago or so the kid tells me that his sister (no we don't know what we are having) has "gone home" which, despite the fact that i am not all that superstitious, freaked me out a little. anyway, i said why did she go home. he said to be with her mommy and daddy. i said, but i'm her mommy. he had a big belly laugh and then said - nuhuh; you're MY mommy. oh boy!

so i think this jaw treatment is actually going to work. i don't necessarily feel a lot of relief today but i feel likeit shifted soemthing.

now if i could just make the pain in my legs go away that would be dandy.

here we go again

between 4/5 weeks and 11/12 i had these horrible and bizarre pains in my legs. they finally went away at 12 weeks or so. they lasted longer and more intensely than when i was pregnant with malachai. nwo with malachai they never came back. guess what i woke up to this morning. i am not happy about this i'll tell you that much.

oh, and kim - i really like abigail actually but it's overdone and i hate "abby" so there you go.

i'll be sleeping downstairs tonight in the air conditioning - and yes that means my house hasn't gotten any cleaner. le sigh.

you know how distracting it is to try and think of interesting things when you're in pain.

we have moths in our upstairs hallway and i have no idea where the hell they came from. it's all like exorcist and what not. well, okay, not as creepy or plentiful as the flies but still.

feeling very preggers but i still have a belly button!

this is one active baby.

i wish my company had iphones. i can't justify buying my own cell phone when they are paying for it but iphones are so awesome.

it really needs to cool down because i have sunk into lazinees and a little bit of a funk and between that and the heat i just ahve not been able to clean the house and it really needs to happen.

what the hell am i gonna name this kid.

i won't say i hate my job but when i think of working there for the rest of my life i have a sinking feeling in my stomach which increases when i think of what the hell else i'm gonna do. it's definitely a trapped sort of feeling.

there have been people bringing guns to protests outside of obama events. meanwhile, two people were arrested at a bush event for anti-bush shirts. my mind is going to break.

i guess that my doctor doesn't consider my weight a problem because he mentioned off hand at my appointment that i was at low risk for gestational diabetes. i can't remember if i told you that yesterday.

robert novak died - apparently he was dying just feet from me in BWH when i went in for my appointment.

day after tomorrow my jaw therapy starts.

i'm taking name suggestions

also, my browser is going a little whacky so i'm posting this before i lose it

it's hotter tahn hot

what the hell is with all these daycares that seem to be designed for people who don't have t o work? are there that many sah's that are just sending their kids to school anyway. good gravy.

reno collier - he's a comedian. he's pretty good but he's like a train wreck to watch. i don't know something about him is so strange looking that i can't stop or maybe it's when he talks.

so i recently found out that lincoln introduced the income tax - 3% on those making 600 and above. just a little piece of trivia.

okay - i promise that tomorrow i won't argue with the kid on FB about obama. there are emails i'm supposed to write too grrrrrr. i've easily produced three or four pages today though.

listen people

i have been arguing healthcare all damned day before and after a four year olds birthday party so my fingers barely even work anymore so can't you give me a break

i have got to figure out a name for this kid i'm carrying.


oh, doctor's appointment tomorrow. for real this time!

well, it's very late at night and my boss comes back from vacation tomorrow so she will be a total whirlwind set on making my life miserable. i should sleep.

OH OH OH - jaw treatment begins this week - whooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooo

and speaking of jokes

c. thomas howell is in a movie on syfy right now (did i mention how much i hate writing syfy) anyhoooooooo he's supposed to look rough in this movie and boy howdy did they succeed. hell i look better than him and i don't wear makeup let alone have someone professionally apply it for me. ponyboy was ridden hard and put up wet. get it?? get it?? good stuff!

oh, so the reason i said speaking of jokes. my son told me a joke tonight
"how do you get the butter in the fridge?"
"i don't know"
"peanut butter and milk"
makes me happy just looking at it :)

i've eaten a package of twizzlers today. so sad. i love twizzlers though. they aren't even food. you open them up and you're like mmm, yummy smelling plastic.

i watched the haunting in connecticut today. it had fantastic possibility but poor follow through. when are they gonna get that the 'why' a place is haunted is where the story is. i mean they went inot that but it was vague. which after doing some reading seems to be because the author wasn't given much to work with but was given enough that he had to stick with it. but still they could have done better.

this looks promising http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/colony/colony.html if i could ever actually track a show. best i can tell the idea is these people have to rebuild as though the grid collapsed. npr had a whole show today about the possibility fo us falling off the grid. i have to look it up because i mmissed most of it. i don't know; on the one hand it seems like a reasonable proposition but on the other hand; the country is still littered with "bomb shelters".

tomorrow i'll try "the unborn". i am dying to see a good horror movie. get it. dying. i know - it's no peanut butte rand milk.

heartburn and exhaustion

that's what's going on here

i know i should be over the whole death thing - i wish i was. honestly just be thankful i don't tell you about it as much as i think about it or in near that amount of detail. one of these days i'll go on a diatribe. for now i'll content with dribs and drabs and try to spare you the nonsense.

there are a lot of changes i have to make around her in a short amount of time but i just can't sem to find the motivation or the energy. wait, is that one thing. no those are different.

something is on my ceiling that i swear is a crossbreed of ant and spider. or maybe i'm just so tired i'm starting to hallucinate. although i slept nearly seven straight hours last night. oh that reminds me. so i went upstairs to bed around 10.3 and as i get into bed i realize that i haven't blogged. i try the computer upstairs but there is no internet connection. but if i go downstairs then i'll be up for hours more cuz that's what i do. and well, i really have to start taking care of myself one of these days.

so i would have gotten a straight eight hours but my son came in and pulled the covers off of me. like i was a little kid. it was very funny.

i love him so much. i wish i had more energy or was more engaged for him right now. not that i'm ignoring him. i just feel overstressed and out of it a lot. so much changing all at once. for me and for him.

grumbling

when i was seven we went to texas. we visited with old friends of my parents from when we lived there when i was two. they had a son my age. mark. i thought of it today because it was the first place and time i had dr. pepper. i actually remember tasting it for the first time. i was very excited. hell, i was seven what the hell did i know. mark and i were gonna get married. yeah, yeah, i know we were seven. but it was mroe the dying thing that made it irrelevant. so yeah, i'd say if i really love you - - - well, maybe you don't want me to

okay, that's it for today. i have, once again, been typing all day.

coming totally unglued

so that ob appointment i had this morning. yeah, no, that appointment was for Monday at 9.30 not Tuesday. ick.

secondly- i don't need an advisory for a show with sex in it but it would be nice if they ran a "there's gonna be a dead baby" advisory on tv. wtf.

gideon was in my dream last night. i wish i could get drunk. whine whine whine

i engaged in poor parenting today - we watched a movie when he got home from school but with all the bullshit at work and being tired and blah blah blah. i figure one day of television isn't gonna kill him right?

that jackass that verbally bitchslapped me yesterday on the phone . . . "oh gee sorry i was testy". wtf; do people think before they type or speak? this is work for cripes sake. do you know how many times i want to fire off an email or call someone and just tell em off. hell, maybe i should - seems like success is readily available to thos that do exactly what they please and when. i'm not bitter - i'm serious.

i just need to regroup. i'm just not entirely sure how that is supposed to happen. can i get a do over?

I am so effing pissed

i am seriously sick and fucking tired of people jsut thinking they can say whatever the fuck they want to me. everyone likes to joke that i'm a bitch and yet - i just got two emails from someone who is also working on the website - totally trying to bitchslap me. and for what?? cuz i misunderstood somethign. so he sends the first email that "sets me straight" and then FIVE FUCKING MINUTES LATER - LITERALLY!! he sends another email that begins with "let me try this again". i had not sent him anything or responded in any way in those five minutes why the fuck would yu say "let me try this again". it is so very difficult to not respond to people in exactly the manner that they spoke to me. for instance - "how bout you try it once and give me a chance to react before you come around try to get all high and mighty with me." but of course i don't. and it's the same in my personal life - everyone gets to comment on my behaviour, my demeanor. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i'm seriously pissed right the fuck off. maybe what pisses me off the most is constantly being told that i'm the person that _doesn't_ happen to. oh, yeah, i know, i'm reeeeeallly scary. if only it kept people from constant commentary. i know i've bitched about this before. you know what - i'll bitch about it again and i'll keep bitching about it until it stops bugging me. everyone can just bite me. i don't really see how this is good for my jaw :)

ob/gyn appointment tomorrow.also - giant effing headache. well, more likeside of face and jaw and neck ache. and now with a little taste of acid stomach.

words

it's hard for me to imagine now that there was a time that i found my mind to be a very interesting place to hang out. i won't pretend that i didn't have huge negative spots in my life and that some times i wasn't tormented by my thoughts. i used to spend a lot of tiem thinking about the origins of the universe, the nature and possibility of the existence of a divine presence, what truth was, what morality was - - and i couldn't think just muse on these things sometimes, they were on my mind nearly constantly. well, with interruptions of friendships and "boys". hmm, although actually even those things i tended to think of throught the realm of higher truth. now i don't really

so i am 21 weeks and 1 day through this pregnancy and i would be so ready for it to be over if it wasn't for the fact that i am feeling pretty scared about having baby 2 which as i understand it is fairly normalplus i don't have a real model for how one raises siblings. and to speak as frankly as possible nearly all the sibling sets i've ever seen add to my fear.

leave me alone

i have work to do - uck - i can't believe i have work to do

but we had a very lovely day at the beach with my friend that i haven't seen since college. it was great. her son is about a year younger than malachai.

i got a nice email from this woman that i did a shamanism course with.

we're gonna try to go to a lammas celebration tomorrow. it is at a wiccan church. i'm thinking about going there. i need to be going somewhere.

the skunks are out again.

my wrist hurts.

my boss is totally crazy.

that's about it

how was your day?

cuz i'm a rebel like that

i did it! i cut my own bangs. i always say i'm not gonna and then four months goes by and what can i do. my hairdresser gets pissed but hey - when i told him last time to trim it and put two layers in and he cut three inches off and went layer crazy well . . .

so this morning my son went in my witchcraft/yoga/meditation room. i have my grandmother's sacred heart jesus bust in there.
kai: who's that
me: oh, that's jesus
kai: yeah, that's jesus
pause
kai: gam-gam and i saw jesus at church
me: oh yeah?
kai: yeah.
pause
kai: jesus is a funny guy

i coulda died laughing althought of course i didn't laugh at all just said "oh yeah?" inside i'm thinking 'you know kid, if there was a jesus he'd probably be cool with that but . . ." yeah, until the country climate changes a bit i have got to figure out a way to discourage him from saying stuff like that.


i do find bill maher a tad uppity but on the other hand http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/new-rule-smart-president_b_253996.html
my favorite part "Until we admit that America can make a mistake, we can't stop the next one."

i know - let the beatings begin.

perchance to be disturbed

typing with my eyes closed. i wonder if i can type in my sleep. some people do that automatic writinng. i wonder if i can.

bits and pieces of dreams have been finding me here and there - i mean dreams that i have had years and years ago. little bits and pieces. they go real well with the bizarre ones i've been having on a regular basis like the one i just woke up with where we all bought time running from a mass murderer.

you'll not i said woke up with - at 2.3 am laptop on lap; hands in typing position. so you'll excuse me won't you?

we had joy; we had fun

anything i had left of "nature's first gold" died that day. which i suppose is for the best anyway.

the inlaws leave tomorrow. the cousins were pretty fricking cute together.

anyway, i have to wake them up at 5 and i have barely had time to breathe in the last few days.

my little boy is really growing up.

tomorrow tomorrow i'll hate this tomorrow

i can only find one article corroborating this. which either means it isn't true (keep your fingers crossed) or that no one cares. i'd like to think the former but i'm betting on the latter. the idea is that thye forced a pregnant woman to get care that she didn't want. the rights of the unborn fetus were chosen over her rights. but what do you expect - it's florida; where they are all about keeping yo alive unless of course the state flips the switch on you themselves.
http://www.rantrave.com/Rant/ACLU-to-defend-pregnant-woman.aspx

alright- website work; inlaws here for another day; sooo tired and lazy. night.

every day there is a new definition for crazypants

i know i said i was done but really

http://www.orlytaitzesq.com/blog1/

so weird

i'm watching "more to love". i just saw a woman who is pretty much exactly my weight (well, not pregnant weight)and she looks a lot larger than me. and believe me - i think i'm fat. so weird.

so i only have a week's worth of work to do in the next few days because my boss is a little crazy.

so again you get ripped off - so sue me

sue me ; sue - shoot bullets through me
cuz i love you . . . .

name that musical (without google) and i'll give you chocolate.

throbby throbby

so the camping trip was better than expected though i thik they are all just a little crazy. i mean - door to door we were gone for 36 hours, seems almost not worth it. oh, and then while we are there his sister and brother in law are like "oh, yeah, can we stay with you from mon to sat?" and of course they can. and honestly i'm not angry that they asked last minute like that i just find it bizarre. also, if i had any idea maybe i would have taken a day off to hang with them

anyway, we took a two and a half mile hike that wa lot of nearly straight uphill walking - through a fast running - - mm, idk a brook i guess but it was more than that. anyway, there was a big pool of water that we sat by to have our lunch. which was really beautiful. course we had to slide straight down hill on wet leaves to get to it. whooo hooo. oh, and i drank a crap load of water and found out later that i might have exposed myself to giriardi. no big deal just some sort of amoeba that gives you diarrhea. i think i'm in the clear. the boy like camping and OH he was a trooper!! he did about 3/4 of the hike himself without being carried.

alright that's it. the ice is starting to take care of the swelling in my foot and tomorrow is going to be a long fucking day. so i have had these little pains in my belly here and there. today it occurs to me (because of the strength of the pain) i'm being kicked!

oh yeah, there was no service until you got at least 10 miles away from our camp which is why you didn't hear from me yesterday. i'll see if i can't do two of these tomorrow.

what am i to do

tomorrow am we head for nh to go camping. so i don't know how or if i'm gonna be able to post tomorrow - theoretically i can do it on carl's iphone but we'll see if it even works up there.

i have mixed emotions about this up coming trip. i hope the boy likes camping. i actually can't believe we haven't taken him yet. course, i've never been this kind of camping before either - apparently his parents brought thesee huge tents and air mattresses for us! i said something about not being used to that and carl's dad was like - oh usually you use a foam pad? - er, no. actually carl and i have been on a couple of monstrous trips. there was the one in october in the white mountains with summer gear whooo hoo - then when i was pregnant with malachai we went to one of the islands in boston harbor. the mosquitos were so bad - i watched them eat through my bug spray ; there were dead rabbits everywhere, eaten alive and the next night they actually closed the island down. so, yeah, that was fun. hmm - none of that or all the packing i just did helped in terms of looking forward to this.

goodnight and welcome to august

the sky is falling ; the sky is falling

okay regardless of whether you think obama's healthcare plan is a good idea - the way the republicans are portraying it has simply gone so far crazypants it's . . . well, crazypants. ugh - i just spent like 20 minutes looking for the quotes that i just saw on television and can't. i'll try to find them tomorrow. they basically said the hell plan was equivalent to mass murder. and that is a tiny hair of exaggeration but only a tiny hair.

omg - the president had beer with gates and crowley today. foxnews and npr bashed his choice of bud light as it is owned by a company in brazil. but what do you expect from obama he wasn't even born in this country, right?

the sky is falling!! the sky is falling!!! we're all gonna die - well, all the white people. black people will probably eat our brains afterwards.

i'd love to know if any of these people have actually READ the healthcare proposal. i've made it half way through. i'm glad for one thing so far - if it goes through i will be able to leave my job if i want and still get coverage for my leg which is currently not really an option for me. anyway, i understand objections to it. i can see some concerns. i don't share most of them but i get it but can we just have a grown up conversation. can we not talk about how 'this means we are taking medicare away from all the elderly'. also, republicans keep talking about how private is better - i will buy it when they sign themselves up for a ppo instead of taking their government healthcare. just one more thing - does anyone have a pair of testicles that the democrats could borrow.

i seem to have, i hope temporarily, lost my mouth guard. this is really not good news.

the father in law is here. the mother in law will be her tomorrow. saturday morning we head to nh to camp. well, sort of - they are bring air mattresses and gigantic tents. mind you i'm not complaining; i've been in enough pain lately but i've never camped like this.

ooooo - i think i just saw that wii has a sword game. i might have to think about that after all.

so carl gave up the dojo in allston. we spent a lot of nights there - sigh.

if you haven't seen this; it's old but oh oh - so fantastic



k - gotta go find something to eat :D

not quite better than sex but . . .

i ate dinner over like 4 hours tonight - not stuffing myself jsut eating a little. doing some stuff around the house; eating a little more - - shrimp steak lobster chocolate mmmmmmmmmmm

plus i was home all alone tonight. the boy stayed with his grandmother and carl had a work thing until 9 or 10 and is staying over in town so he can pick up the kid in the morning. it was great. perfect combination of getting stuff done and relaxing.

so if i had just waited to open my email until tomorrow it would have been a completely perfect evening. i don't really expect people to check on me or anything but is it to much to ask a moments thought before you rub salt in my wounds or slice open new ones.

but that's okay i'm gonna have some frozen yogurt now and dream of a place where . . . well it won't matter cuz it's frozen yogurt. :)

my kingdom for . . . eh, what difference does it make i got no stinking kingdom

i went to see the biofeedback guy today which i guess is a combination shrink / mind therapy dude. all i could think of was adam ferrara one of his bits he says "i went to see a counselor; but i was totally italian about it - my friends say 'so how'd it go' i said he didnt' get nothing out of me" course the real trick is to give them enough that you don't appear to be shut down. i'm actually a big fan of counseling as a concept but being a slightly weird kid in the suburbs in the 70s they were all about sending me to one person after another. most of them were full of shit so i was full of shit right back. when i was older i went to see one lady who made me really uncomfortable and the second session i told her that. her response was "well, what do you think your hang up with me is / what can you do to move past it". needless to say i didn't go back. so anyway, yeah, i'm in favor of the concept but a lot of counselors are full of shit. i mean it's true that people who are a little effed are drawn to that career. i was going to be a counselor. anyway, he was a pretty nice guy. i'll go back to them to learn mind over matter techniques for pain.

i watch saving grace. it's a good show. it's also nice that it constantly mentions and remembers those that are still in iraq and afghanistan. since most people here seem to forget that any of that is going on. the democrats would like to forget about it since they know they did the wrong thing in the first place by not objecting to this nonsense. and the republicans who built the whole last eight years on how important it was and blah blah blah now want to distance themselves besides they're all so busy exclaiming how the sky is falling and our entire union is going to fall apart. hell, the whole world is coming to an end. right because the last eight years were so successful.

anyway it's a good show. but why does everything on television try to convince you that there is going to be intense love affairs and a best friend who is going to stick by you no matter what.

here's a better question for you - why the hell does my cat carry socks around the house meowing and then leaving them everywhere. or how bout this one - why do i wake up around 10pm lately grrr

today has passed me by

i'm so aggravated at so many things. politics. people's lack of ability (on all sides) to actually listen to the whole story. i'll try to summon the energy to elaborate on that point but suffice it to say gatesgate just isn't as simple as "stupid cop" or "bastard professor". things rarely are that simple. i wish i could be like the rest of the world and feel that way. and even better not question . . . well, anything. stuff at home. work. my own brain. and then basically i get aggravated at myself for being aggravated.

i go to the biofeedback guy tomorrow. hopefully he can do something for me. maybe if i was in less pain i would be less aggravated; which would help with the whole holding my body completely tensed and gritting my teeth which might help me be in less pain and you see where this could be preferable to the vicious circle.

and maybe i'll actually be able to write something. because right now . . .

anyway - this kid moves a lot and my belly is giant

it's just not getting any better

i did write a full blog but i erased it. i'm gonna cop out and say - if you don't have anything good to say . . ..

i have a tan

which is bizarre for me - in fact i sort of go out of my way to not get a tan. but i got burnt last weekend and then we went to the zoo today and a i got another little burn. it's weird when i get any little amount of color i get these little white dots that show up.

adam ferrara - very funny.

so john ridley wrote this . . . mess about the whole gates incident. i posted a reply. part of my reply was to say that the article was poorly written. they didn't post it. how pathetic are you when you can't take criticism. i was not rude - i used no profanity. here's the article. it's horrid. i don't have my reply because they didn't post it and it didn't occur to me to copy it anywhere.

the mother in law comes tomorrow with bagels and mmmmm lox.

aigh!! my scar is itchy but i can't scratch it. i mean i can but it doesn't effect it. grrrrrrrrrr

alright, gotta go finish cleaning up.

don't wanna

tomorrow am we go to the zoo then possibly to the dojo and then possibly to the lowell folk festival; carl's mother comes to town sunday brunchish until - idk when. i just don't have the motivation for all this. especially because next weekend we will be gone all weekend - camping with carl's family. I have to get shit together for htat too. uck. i want to be at home and do nothing. which i know isn't good for me but i feel like even that is an effort most days.

so that said - i need my .. . mmm, not beauty, my annoyance? sleep.

quiet house

the little boy is at his grandmother's tonight. she is taking him to the butterfly sanctuary in NH tomorrow made more sense for him to stay there. i miss him. i love the sound of his voice - except of course when i wish he would just e quiet for a minute. but he has the cutest voice and the way he says things. So the other day I'm showing him this book that my insurance company mailed out to me about being pregnant and havign a baby. there is a naked pregnant woman and he points and says "look that momma took the ring off her belly" He also keeps asking me if the baby has come out of my belly yet. i'll tell ya this - it ain't cuz this kid is lazy - s/he seems to be in constant motion.

i think what professor gates has done in this situation to the black and latino community is very nearly equivalent to a woman who falsely files a rape charge

and that's all i will say about that because there are a couple of politic issue just aggravating the crap out of me at the moment but i'm too tired to go down that road. so let's just leave tonight with the idea that my kid is damned cute. how's that?

oh - and the difference between racism and prejudice. racism is about power - domination. the only way that a minority can dominate over a majority is to have a resource that that majority needs or by mutual consent. that is why there is no such thing as reverse racism. black people in this country have neither the numbers nor the power over the majority. someday soon latinos might but we aren't there either.

okay that's all then

professor gates - everyone is wrong

so that is the link to the gates story. the summary is this - a black harvard professor came home with his driver. there was a problem with his door. his driver forced the door open. a woman called the police to tell them that two big black men were trying to break into a house. the police came to the door; gates showed them his id (one account i read but can't find at the moment said they had to ask twice); gates was angry told them that they didn't know who they were messing with and accused them of racial profiling; gates asked for the officers name and badge number which the officer did not provide at any point; the officer asked him to step out of the house finally gates did in order to follow the cop and continue to ask for name and badge; when gates stepped out of the house the police arrested him for disorderly conduct.

peoples' reactions are, more or less, either 'this is racism' or ' he deserved to be arrested'. neither of these are correct. he was not arrested becasue he was black - he was arrested because you don't get to question the cops. by and large the police force is comprised of people fond of power, i'm not suggesting they are all that way but if you are that kind of person it's an alluring job. and if you aren't that kind of person to start with i thik there are many factors that might bring you there. but that's its own conversation. a police officer is required to tell you his badge and name if you ask. afaik, this applies even if he just watched you murder someone. but who the hell asks them for it. no one. that way lies madness. a good rule of thumb - when the cops come your rights range from limited to nonexistent. that isn't a racial issue. you know why women get out of more tickets than men. it's because women have a far easier time showing deference than men and that is what cops want from you. all of you. and frankly - a man getting uppity about his status has just taken a sledge hammer to the thin ice he was already skating on.

that said if i hear one more bullshit whinging about reverse discrimination i might go mad.

yeah, i definitely have to start writing this thing earlier - i could have been far more articulate.

i've eaten all the chocolate

i need a shaman. if i was anyone else yuou might think i'm kidding but i'mnot. i need to do a soul retrieval. i'm beyond scattered. i've known that i need to do this for a long time but i keep putting it off. me? put something off?? crazy talk! anyway, that's what i really need. if that doesn't work well - that's that.

there's a shamanic weekend at the end of september - death related. it would be a good idea for me. i was planning on going we'll see. it'd be a good idea but it's in st. louis. it also begins on the day that i found gideon's obit. if i didn't tell you the story; it's pretty, well, it'd be funny if things that were funny ended in death. maybe another time.

i miss the 70s.

mm vin diesel

can there be no more romance or death or human connection on television. let's stick to snark and humor folks, okay.

i am so gigantic and i have way too long to go.

walden university. it's a consideration. hmm - speaking of which i should go back to walden pond; been a while.

goodnight chilluns

fred

this is the name kai has picked for his baby sibling. he has decided said sibling is a girl. so he's all about the baby sister named fred.

so i was wrong. i wasn't a little burnt - i was a fried crispy critter.

the episcopalians are considering performing gay marriages.

and new haven ca wants to start running every visitors' license plate number. because we are an oligarchy and being rich means buying better law enforcement - - even if it does violate civil rights.

a girl i knew in high school's brother died. so very sad and bizarre. i have no idea how. gideon's obituary didn't mention cause of death either. if i didn't post it before - it's a lovely obit. http://www.recorder.com/story.cfm?id_no=5344207 if i did post it before - forgive me.

i must stop clenching my teeth.

little sunburn

that's what i got. spent like three hours with the kid in the pool. he friggin loves it - awesome.

tom robbins is very cool - today's tom robbins' quote "using words to describe magic is like cutting roast beef with a screw driver"

true romance - awesome movie; the appreciation of which might be the only thing my ex and i had in common. if you haven't seen it then you have made a mistake. that quote "if there's one thing this last week has taught me; it's better to have a gun and not need it then need one and not have it"

i braided my stepsister's hair today - inverted french braid. i forgot how good i am at that.

i read someone's account today that basically boiled down to saying that it was ignorant / narrow scoped to view the vatican's lauding of oscar wilde as a contradiction. i'm not sure i would call it a contradiction since they seem to pick and choose when they want to employ their judgements and when they don't, but it's definitely strange. one thing is cleared up - being gay is apparently preferable to being an audacious woman.

lazy . . . but kinda revealing

AIGH - maybe one of these days someone can tell me why my italics and bold sporadically don't show up.

i wanted to post poetry today. i found these and they actually aren't far off from my current state of things.


I'm tired
I mean TIE - AHHHD

of my yo-yoing BCP hormones
without the privilege of bareback
of pretending to work
of charming people in and then
repelling them with nuerosis and apathy
of the nuerosis and apathy themselves
of not feeling safe
of living in alternating states
of fastidiousness and squalor
of the flicker of the tv
of constant daydreaming
of just keeping above water
of not wanting what i wanted
of looking outside myself
and picking apart the inside

of insomnia
_________

Days have become gray dismal and gaudy
Boston's se of cranes
In the never ending pursuit for better highways
I've begun reading Bukowski for the solace

To work and home; home and work
Each door locks the sound
Of everything I haven't done
And driving is the low level
Angst of stop and go
With sharp shorts of
Near collision breathing
________

and one just cuz it tickles me

pebble and rain
and a watching window pane
a time to read what you sew
words like fabric and maize
i'm hardly ever openly sane

eh - come on now - it beats hearing about my day

C is for calamity

my aversion to doing this blog is increasing. my aversion to a lot of things is increasing. along with my annoyance. mostly with not . .. getting what i deserve. i am not someone who feels entitled. this isn't me whinging because i think i should get a prize for just breathing. i mean appreciation / recognition / pay off for the things i do. i sure as shit get the backlash for the things i don't do or do wrong.

in the interest of fairness i will say that there are definitely some areas of my life that i have random blessings - wonderful blessings. my son is a good example. course he is a mixture of deserved and random. i have probably never tried any harder at anything in my whole life. on the other hand i fall down on the job so much. he is such a good and sweet child. and funny. good gravy he is so funny. and i don't mean he says stuff that's cute funny - although that is there too. i mean he tries to make you laugh. even as a baby he would notice that something he did or a facial expression would make you laugh and he would do it again. before too long he came up with things all on his own to make you laugh.

the tmj guy basically said i was fucked. gave me a bunch of exercises to do and is going to try to release the jaw. if it doesn't do the trick i will have tot have a splint made for it and have it adjusted every three weeks and it'll cost about 3 grand - whoooo hooooo; it's already gonna cost a butt load since this guy isn't in my network. course my network can't provide me with any viable options because they can't look up by what i need treatment for - i have to tell them what kind of doctor i want to see.

mmm - i do make some pretty damned good chocolate chip cookies.

tooo much writing

i have spent the last hours researching and then writing something for my company's website. so that is what you will get as my post. and tomorrow i will start a lot earlier cuz i actually have a lot of things in my head.

J.F. White Contracting Company was awarded the Chelsea Street Bridge renovation project.

The scope of this project will utilize diverse divisions and talents of J.F. White Contracting Company including the heavy/civil, electrical, mechanical and forms divisions.

This project will spearhead the Massachusetts Accelerated Bridge Program. The program has slated 3 billion dollars to be applied over the next 8 to 10 years in the repair and renovation of 250 to 300 bridges.

The first Chelsea Street Bridge was built in 1834. The existing bridge is a bascule bridge that has been standing since 1936. The United States Coast Guard has issued an Order to Alter citing this bridge as unreasonably obstructive to navigation.

The USCG Order makes it necessary to not only repair the bridge but completely demolish it and construct a newly designed bridge in its stead. The existing substructure will be taken to 42 feet below sea level. The new bridge will be a vertical lift bridge with expanded clearances as well as a more aesthetic design.

Citizens and commuters in the area, as well as those navigating the Chelsea River, will benefit from the many years of expertise and excellence that J.F. White Contracting brings to aspect of this project.

“The Chelsea Street drawbridge is essential for the energy security and economic viability of the entire area, and this new bridge will ensure the smooth and safe flow of traffic [and]protect our environment” said Senator Ted Kennedy

The new bridge is slated for completion in April of 2012 and is anticipated to be a crowning achievement for J.F.W. in terms of its craftsmanship and the value it will offer to the greater metro area. As well as being a great forward step in achieving Massachusetts’ goals of improving the infrastructure and economy of the state

KA in CA - a pictorial

kim on the rocks



high kick



birdbrain




jackass




not CA but . . . really could you blame me

reefer madness

this won't stand as today's post but oh, so good. especially if you've seen reefer madness

movement

so i've got the u/s tomorrow an dthe tmj consult on thursday. hopefully the tmj guy has some answer for me because i've had enough. this whole pain thing is so not me. my whole life i've never been like this. hell i was barely like this while i was having constant surgery.

so this weird thing happens on facebook now. it used to suggest friends based on having mutual friends. now people just show up and i guess they dip into your email. how do i know this? because before facebook changed their settings i looked up gideon and it showed that he had no friends. he had signed up and never used the account. when i looked that up he was already dead so i feel pretty confident that he hasn't had much activity going on between then and now. there are other people that showed up that i don't have any mutual friends with etc. i used gideon as the example because there is literally no way - no mutual friends or groups or whatever -that they could have come up with him besides looking in my email. i wish i didn't like fb so much cuz that's kinda creepy.

yeah, all i can really focus on is the u/s so this is basically a sham

i've been to paradise . . .

i was reminded of this little ditty today - seventieslicious

i love me some 70s melodrama

so i caught a little bit of a npr show today where they were talking about the tribute for michael jackson. apparently there were empty seats at the staples center or wherever it was. it's just interesting because it would seem that perhaps there weren't all that many people moved and or mourning. or mayber there were just a number of people who were having a reaction similar to my own - i acknowledge who he was; at all stages. in a sense the man worth mourning - well, i sorta did that already when he started going all crazy pants.



we went to garden in the woods today. so pretty there. caught a frog or toad (i can never tell) for the kid to touch. he was excited. there were literally about a dozen turtles in the pond. oh, i love turtles. i really don't know why but i definitely do dig them.

i'm exhausted. but i refuse to go to bed before 11 - i'll end up at 4pm and i can't really afford that especially with carl out of town until tuesday. it might not be late enough for me to go to sleep but there is no damned reason that my son should still be talking to himself right now.

my 17week ultrasound is tuesday and i'm starting to get a little freaked out.

the world according to garp. i need to read it. the movie was surprisingly good. had a few great quotes. "i'm going to mourn her alone for the rest of my life; right now i want to be with as many people who feel the same way i do" that is truly the way it is. course when you are with all those peole a little isolation creeps in since no one can ever feel exactly the way you do. of course that is true about everything but for some reason sorrow highlights our snse of separation. maybe because separation is at the center of sorrow. eh, maybe i should go to bed.

. . . grandchildren on your knee - vera, chuck and dave

and a picture

carl the garderner

mmm - chocolate

time and again i have perked up at what seems to be an opportunity for community. i think i have finally reached the conclusion that it might not go that way.

my son ate 4 regular pancakes; 3 silver dollar pancakes; 3 slices of cheese and about 12oz of milk today - - - for breakfast. i am seriously going to have to get a better job before he hits the teen years.

my college friend was supposed to visit tomorrow but she has to work. she is a film art director. this is her http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0050867/ they are shooting a movie in lowell through the end of august so hopefully i'll see her before she leaves.

a woman from high schoool added me to her facebook list today. i can't quite remember her and i don't know if i should. so i havent' accepted yet.

chocolate leaves a bad after taste.

i'm going swimming tomorrow.

i need new support sneakers.

i try to be a good person. i am very critical of myself point in fact. and yet, it does not save me from a whole shitload of criticism from other people. it gets . . . grrr after a while. yes, yes, people i get it - i'm mean, i'm hard hearted, i'm a bitch - whatever. i get it. course 90% of the time i'm none of those things but so be it. although one of my friends recently said to me that i was literally the least judgemental and most compassionate person she knew. which was really nice. goes a long way for me.

ooo - two new urbandictionary terms
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Pullin%27%20a%20Palin&defid=4095939
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=palin
if you are familiar with urbandictionary you know that each of these has mulitiple definitions but i'll give you my fav for each:

Pullin' a Palin
July 10, 2009 Urban Word of the Day
1. Quitting when the going gets tough; abandoning the responsibility entrusted to you by your neighbors for book advances and to make money on the lecture circuit.2. Bizarre move that will damn ambitions for higher office.
I bet when people saw Jade they were convinced that David Caruso was pullin' a Palin.


Palin
1. An applicant lacking even basic job skills 2. Someone supremely un-self-aware or lacking any relative sense of what he/she does or doesn't know.
HR sent me another Palin for the marketing manager

that just tickled me to the core.

today there wasn't much accomplished but i have to say i definitely feel more relaxed. i think i will extned that relaxation all the way to sleeping.

editorial - or something

so i read this article online by peggy noonan on sarah palin - following is the response i wrote though haven't yet posted - not sure i will. see i can never decide if i should invect into the conversation or if that is fanning a really stupid fire.

Ms. Noonan, I thought your column was well written, intelligent and the most unbiased opinion article I have read in much too long, far less biased, in fact, than many news articles for that matter. I didn't agree with all of your points of view but you displayed them in a reasoned and articulate manner with a plausible and logical argument behind them. Of course I had a little trouble with the -the media picks on Republicans- line of rational as I don't believe it is true but at least you put it in the context of because it sells, which by and large is why the media does anything. Anyone who believes the media at large has any greater altruistic vision is deluded. There was one statement that you made that I have to take great exception with "The world is a dangerous place. It has never been more so, . . ." This is purported over and over by many reporters, politicians - basically anyone who stands to make a great deal of money scaring the crap out of the public at large. The world has seen far more dangerous times.

The rest of my response is directed at the majority of the commentators I have read.

It seems as of late people have come to the conclusion that if the opinion doesn't match yours it is not only not valid but it is an attack and partisan. Words can no longer be rendered without belonging to the left or the right. I often wonder how my old Civics teacher is bearing up under the madness.

Some have responded to Ms. Noonan's attack with cries of "what about . . . " followed by a perceived affront from the other side. Personally, I really don't see that she was launching an attack but even if she was - she is not under any obligation to balance the scales. This was not an article about the left versus right or Republican women versus Democratic women or any versus of any kind. This was a piece about Sarah Palin.

This trend of responding to criticism with pointing the finger at someone else is disturbing and juvenile. We were taught as children, if your parents were worth their salt, that it didn't matter what other people were doing. So, that other politcians are lacking is sad but not a pass.

It's been pointed out that many politicians are stupid and "why is Ms. Palin being referred to as thoughtless?" Frankly, I thought Ms. Noonan did a very laudable job of illustrating a number of examples but . . . here is one thing that sets Ms. Palin apart: she did not know the scope of the responsibilities and power of the position of Vice President, that is a bit excessive. Her parting comments are another good example: "I think on a national level, your department of law there in the White House would look at some of the things that we've been charged with and automatically throw them out," So, forgetting for a minute, that she is either suggesting that a national department of law would be more judicial or that being a VP would give her license to not have to be judged for her actions; the capital S stupid here is that there is no national department of law.

Oh, and to the one person who said that Ms. Noonan was angry because she had to work hard and Palin didn't have that struggle. That is demeaning to everyone involved. Ultimately you are saying that Ms. Noonan would not hold the same opinion of Sarah Palin if she was a man. It is only an intellectual version of the comments taht implicate this is a "cat-fight".

Of course, I suppose I should applaud everyone here - the last time a woman wrote an unflattering op-ed piece about Sarah Palin the readers responded by saying that she was just pissed cuz Palin was hotter.

So as long as we are all sitting around arguing about whether our guy is stupider than yours; yours has less integrity than our; your 'woman' is hotter (how this has any place in the conversation at all is beyond me); who is on the left; who is on the right; whether the media works for the aforementioned left or right . . . our supposed representatives are out there not doing much in the way of our interests.

i'm preggers

also, i think i'm working on carpal tunnel syndrome.

i'm trying ot make plans with carl's family to go camping. i have yet to decide whether the planning is worse than the event actually will be.

the couch in j.d.'s living room on scrubs is exactly the same as our in the early eighties

here's a poem i wrote for a college friend
A madman - genius in our presence
Sang songs I sometimes understood
And felt priviledged
And he would say,
"What do you mean, man" a lot
But sometimes he just knew
And let me love him

so i've been on yahoo mail looking for something and now i know why i don't use it - slowest friggin thing EVER - where's a good abacus when you need one

10lbs of crap in a 5lb sack

that's what work is like lately. and i really don't need that right now. i have enough of my plate. i hate that expression by the way - having a lot on your plate. it's so . . . idk but it's not good. anyway, it was already stressful and then today i lost three or four hours of work.

so in looking for the article to tell you about cynthia davis and her "children are motivated by hunger - let's not feed them" i found this quote about the civil war "Rep. Davis says she wishes we could have "freed the slaves without having to shoot all those people." " i'm sorry - really - i hate to be simply partisan but the republicans en masse have seriously gone crazy pants. obama got rid of that guy who was trying to sell his seat - i can't believe i can't remember his name. democrats in general said - no, we aren't standing behind this. republicans on the other hand sanford; coleman; palin (i know we could argue about that one); and now davis - - - they have nothing to say. a perfect example of the pro-choice adage "beware of those who care for you before you are born and after you die and don't give a @$@# about you in between" this woman is anti-choice.

that's all i got for yu tonight.

oh, in my poetry class in college one of my friends, a lesbian, wrote a poem with this line in it: it was then i knew i would lose girl after girl to boy after boy. i don't know why i thought of that today but it's a great line.

remember the parade they had for john wayne gacy?

NO!! NO OF COURSE YOU DON'T!! because we aren't in the habit of worshipping pedophiles. look i'm not even really annoyed by the fact that he was a child predator. i mean - i *believe* he was a child predator but he was not convicted so he was entitled to his freedom. BUT - all these people who were all over him when he was alive. i knnow that there were people who stood behind him and always beleived in his innocence but not this damned many.

actually, speaking of our justice system etc. this bullshit about sex offenders having to register and being able to see where they live is just that - bullshit. our system is designed - you serve your time and then you are back in society. course it is also supposed to focus on rehabilation and not punishment so there you have it. the worst part about the sex offender registration is that it makes no distinction between a child rapist and a 19 year old who had a consensual relationship with a 17 year old. i'm not saying that i wouldn't personally want to know if the guy next to me raped children - i do / i would and i would personally like to kill him too. but you don't get to pick and choose what parts of the constitution you think are worthy. i mean, hell, i would like to know if my neighbor embezzled too but . . . anyway, if you are really worried about your kids look around at your family and friends cuz statistically that's where the attack is gonna come from.

so no more going to bed early. last night i went to bed at 10.30 was up at 2.30 until 5! whooohooo

so scifi did it - they are syfy now. why? what the hell was the point of that? yeah, i know i should have asked that question a while ago. i think in the back of my head i thought that they would hear the chatter and realize how very stupid ... but no

i have to say that my thoughts are pretty black. to a surprising degree.

I swear I once was pretty, not the monster you now see

you know how you have unfinished conversations with people. things you'll get around to saying or finish saying or clarifying. i don't have those. i'm not that kind of person. i don't have that much faith that there will be time. hell, i've probably destroyed relationships that way. but gideon and i had hundreds of unfinished conversations - some nearly 20 years old. i suppose i should stop talking about it but this is the only place that i do and i guess i keep thinking eventually i will say something that will allow me to put the whole thing to rest. so to speak - hehe. oh come on!! you were thinking it!!

we've taught our son to talk to the sun, moon etc. (to amuse ourselves we tell him to say "thank you mr. chicken" when he has his nuggets) so tonight he told the sun "goodnight. thanks for keeping the lights on :)" the idea of talking to the sun - us / that particular phrase and sentiment - all him.

quote from the tv show i was watching tonight "lie to me" - "research shows popular kids are the most facile they learn to adapt to hide their true feelings quickly that's what makes them so popular." i'm gonna have to look into that. it's interesting in a number of regards if it's true. but i think finding that out is going to take some very creative googling. what i did google / find out today is that the psychology of the show is apparently real - the studying of microexpressions. the doctor that the show is based on is apparently working on a visual lie detector test. how cool is that? or am i just a giant geek.

this is how i feel today- it starts 47 seconds in


`I swear I'll do things different but can't promise to be strong

so this is the weirdest thing - i just noticed a typo and went back to edit this and it highlighted words that weren't spelled wrong. i left one of them for you to see -the second "conversation" in the first paragraph i didn't correct. i let it correct the first one for me though. i don't see any difference between the two. am i going crazy or blind??

yep - did it again - even pointed out the words i let it correct last time - so bizarre.

malaise - serious malaise

i'm going to try sleeping before 11 - like as soon as i finish this.

i ate way too much tonight.

i keep thinking - is this all there is. is this life? at the end of my life this is what i will see when i look back. i feel isolated and lonely usually. and there are certain battles i fight over and over. sometimes, especially lately i don't feel like i'm even fighting them anymore. what is the barrier / the line / the distinction between content and complacent and when does it fully dissolve to apathetic?

on a happier note- my little boy kept saying to me today "you're a pretty pretty princess".

we didn't end up going to the birthday party - he had a fever and a weird rash today so i thought it would be best. as it was he ended up sleeping through what would have been the party anyway. i think he would have been disappointed about not going except that we took him to ben and jerry's for a frozen yogurt. :)

oooo - and tomorrow i will post his "city / town" he made out of blocks for "the kings and queens to live in" :)

july 4th

well, i managed to get something done but it was bloody little and i have so very very much to do. and my foot is throbbing.

so about july 4th - those who argue that religion and country are inseparable like to quote the declaration and point out the "endowed by their creator" but somehow manage to skip over the next line clearly stating that the government derives ITS power not from the creator in question but from the will of the people. and even if you believe god gave that will - it is *free* will which include the freedom to ignore him if we so choose. but that's enough soapbox. i get angry in this regard because the principles of the country are so strong and worthy.

anyhoo - tomorrow we go to a four year olds birthday party. i can not express the number of ways that i don't want to go. the boy will like it though which is really the only reason i'm going. it's a friend from work's kid but i'd blow it off if not for trying to not ruin his social life entirely. shit, and i still have to get a present.

you aren't paying attention anyway

chinese takeout - really really good chinese takeout - and a movie. as it is i don't think i am going to make it through the movie. so goodnight.

giant calzone

carl just made the world's largest calzone - using up the rest of the processed meats that we bought that i really shouldn't be eating.

so chuck grassley tells the people today that if you want good insurance you should work for the federal government. brilliant - since they have public health insurance. OR you know what else would be a good idea . . . UGH! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/02/sen-grassley-if-you-want_n_225258.html

giant headache. and sleepiness

gideon's friend is on facebook and wrote a notation under one of my pic of him "i miss our friend". little breakdown. i suspect perhaps that it is not so much that i have gotten better at dealing as that i have gotten better at ignoring. actually, forget about gideon for a minute - i'm pretty much a damned ignoring expert.

there were things i wanted to say to you today but . .

pathetic

so this is what i do - and i think there is a chance i have been doing it all my life. i pursue people (albeit with less and less energy of late) who don't really have any interest in hanging out with me or whatever and sorta avoid those who do. i have some reasons why i do it. i suppose ultimately i don't really want to hang out with anyone but then i get to thinking that i should be more social. i don't know. i like to go out. whatever. i also view my willingness to talk to people, particularly about my life, as a weakness. i will yap away with someone and then be like why did i do that. a bit tumultous (i think i spelled that wrong).

i am at the very lowest point of personal motivation in perhaps ever. i'm fairly motivated with work but - ugh. i'm bored i guess. and i don't see that changing.

kim had her baby - tiny little thing 9pounds3ounces - - i thik i'm disappointed. :)

so i get one of those online parent magazines. this week's - your 3old manners are important. if you haven't started teaching your kid manners by three years you have a damned uphill battle from there. just one woman's opinion.