bring on the ayn rand

fucking crazy people. there is this movement 'going john galt'. the idea is from ayn rand's novel atlas shrugged in which the government was taking money from those that worked and giving it to the lazy and inept. so the hard workers stopped working and formed their own countries. listen kids - i've pointed out the hard dollars before this but let's talk about the philosophy. yes, if people are just sitting on their asses why should you have to take care of them. EXCEPT - we are now at a place where over 50% of the homeless are families who were living paycheck to paycheck and miss one paycheck . . . then there is the fact that often working doesn't pay as well. the guy who cleans our office and does the maintenance works from 7am or so until about 6 then he leaves and goes to his second job. are you really tryikng to tellme that the guy who works on the third floor estimating jobs works harder than him and therefore deserves to pay less in taxes. wtf. i wish we would just go with a flat tax. also, while other people are not entirely your concern there is a selfish side to watching out for your fellow citizens. better education = lowered crime rate. i know, i know - crime just happens because people are evil. but i guess if it weren't for all the illegals. if i get one more damned email telling me that congress is about to vote to give illegals social security money. listen up mofos; the vote was in may 2006 and what it actually was for was to prevent people who became legalized from collecting the money they had already contributed. yeah, cuz that's the part people like to ignore. MOST illegal aliens pay money into social security that then goes to us. they get fact social security numbers in order to get a job and every job pays into social security but they won't ever be able to collect that money. also, this whole - go along with us and the way we are blah blah. well, that's true to an extent but the united states is supposed to be a melting pot. that means that you don't ask the fucking chocolate to become vanilla - the chocolate and the vanilla mix together. i know, that's a bad example but i'm running out of steam. i could do a full on rant about any one of these subjects but i'm gonna try really hard to not bring these things up again. or at least not too often. i am trying to enjoy a tiny itty bitty modicum of hope and ride the wave and see what happens over the next year or so and try too ignore the fatasses of the world and their john galt bullshit.

shhhweewww - anyway, i was thinking today. you know some people have that theory that all situations in your life you are getting something out of? what they usually mean is if you are being fucked with by someone in your life. 'well, obviously she's getting something out of it or she would walk away' my mom is big on this theory. i don't know why i was thinking of it today i just was and i kind of think it's crap. i love my mom but some of her theories seem so off target. i mean, sometimes don't you think people stay in these situations cuz they are trying to do the right thing?? i mean, is that getting something out of it? sure i guess.

the other thing i thought of today - a friend told me i hadn't changed. aigh; more on that tomorrow i guess - 12am!

So do you have plans later? Or are you just going to go down to the docks

, wait for the fleet to come in?

we're winding down

me and the boy made peanut butter cookies today. he had the best time wiht it. cracks me up. so i put two cookies and a bunch of apple slices on a plate for him. he ate all the apple slices first. i didn't say a word to him about it. how frickin cute is taht?

emily is coming thursday to do our front bedroom which means i have to clean out that room. aigh. i really want to be doing . . . um . . nothing.

i have to look into having our house painted too. this winter has done a number on the house. after the last storm i hung out my window and beat the ice off the side of the house. god, i hate winter.

so a long time ago in god's taint (you will remember gentle reader that is my phrase for KC, MO) i had a weird unbidden vision of a hindu goddess that i never did identify until a few weeks ago as durga. the mother goddess. so i was looking at various pictures of her. in some she has a pierced nose. so that sent me to look up the history of nose piercing. i remember when i pierced mine i had a feeling like 'that belonged there all along' i didn't have the same feeling withmy navel ring. though i love my navel ring. anyway, first of all as i typed into google "history of nose piercing" one of the options that popped up was 'history of nose picking'. say what? yep. with 315k links. one of which enlightened me to the fact that there is an actual name for compulsive nose picking. but i WAY SO MUCH digress - back to the piercing. in india, nose piercing is thought to make child birth easier. weird huh?

so the new PT starts tomorrow. the stretches have already been kicking my ass but i actually think they might already be working. which is surprising. course, doing the exercises every day is probably helpful.

earth is the only planet not name after a pagan god. why do you suppose that is?

damn right i'm impure - i'm as impure as the driven yellow snow.

freaking jaw - here we go again!

urbandictionary.com and snopes.com . . . learn em, live em and love em.

i have NOTHING in my brain. so i'll tell you a funny story - okay - it was funny; honest but after i typed it out i realized just how much you had to be there. the punch line is 'hot lunch'.

lately i live in a very strange place in my brain. i know; that statement in and of itself is strange. it's just that disjointed feeling again. maybe i just need to sleep more.

my son can not accept that it can be cold and dark at the same time. he will tell me that it's not cold - it's dark. meathead.

why the hell am i not sleeping. in general i mean. and you know what - they really need to invent teleporting cuz there are tooo many damned places i want to go.

oh, here's more good news - http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/09/AR2009030903156.html

i think eventually they are going to have to iron out some details about restrictions but "YAY! for science!!"

Military people don't make out with science people.

Maybe that's what's wrong with the world. You ever think about that?

that was barely a weekend

going to a frickin' business meeting on saturday kinda ruins the whole thing. bah.

i have been doing the stretches the new PT gave me and i have to say they are already kicking my ass. i mean good hurt but hurt nonetheless. i believe i'm gonna come out of this stronger. and my mouth has mostly stopped hurting - at least in the all-the-time sense. course i did take a nap today without my mouthguard. not smart.now if i could just figure out what the deal is lately with my skin - well, that and the neverending fight against fatassedness.

so let's see - things in the noggin - don't want to go back to work - really AT ALL!! but particularly tomorrow. i just need one more day. i keep forgetting to call people until it's too damned late at night to do so - stepmother; cathy; adam . . .

i really need to write serena a letter.

i've recently done something uncharacteristic and wrong and am wrestling over whether or not to just let it ride or not. for the moment i'm opting for the let it ride. i almost never let anything ride. and let's face it - getting things off your chest is usually far more selfish than altruistic.

i made an awesome pork curry tonight.

i don't understand people who aren't curious. carl's eye doctor (i say eye doctor because because i don't know if it's an opthamologist or an optometrist) asked him to hold on to the vials his contact solution comes in after they're empty. he never asked why. why wouldn't you ask why??

2 weeks - 2 tiny little weeks until the pogues. yay yay yay!!

que - how's that for non sequiturs.

o goddess and anthony - i have to call anthony - dammit.

k - kids - kisses

TTFN
TTFN? What's TTFN?
It's "ta ta for now." It's what Tigger says when he leaves.

blechity blech

it feels much later than it is which is because i wasted my day at a stupid meeting and then had a lot of beer. well, a lot for me these days.

i also had someone tell me just how much they respect me and how much my opinion matters to them. believe me; i dont' take that lightly. i'm often flabbergasted at how many people hold me to such a level of respect. but on the other hand . . . why then can't i find a shoulder when i need one. and why do i have the increasingly and overwhelming feeling that i will spend my life drifting from connection to connection and find none lasting. i am unanchored. i'm not really seeking to change that. i'm seeking to change my reaction to that. i mean i'm not sure what it is i think i'm missing.

so yeah, yesterday, i had two encounters with the stupidity of bureacracy. first, i'm at this clinic type place seeing a new gynecologist. they didn't tell me to get there early. i mean sure i figured i would have to fillout a sheet of paper but really it was a half an hour to check in. seems like an imporatnant thing to mention. so i tell the woman i forgot my card but i have all the information for you. she says. we can't enter it without the card. i said - i can have a copy of someone else card faxed; the only th ing that is different is the subscriber number. she points to the number i have written in next to "SS#" - 'is this your subscriber number' she says. i said ' no; that's my social security number - this is my subscriber number' and i point to the number on the line next to "policy #". 'o' she says 'well, i still can't fill it out without the card. i say what is on the card that i have n't given you ; no, but we need the card. o m g - so i say; fine, we aren't getting anywhere - i will bring the card next time. so she continues entering my information. a few minutes later as she's typing she starts to explain again / i interrupt her and say " really, please don't - i don't understand your point and i'm not going to and you clearly don't know what i am talking about so i'm sick of going around and around - i'll bring the card next time. the overflow of stupidity on planet earth is well, astonishing.

so the name i got in the meditation the other night was the name of my dead shamanism teacher - ramona. ramona means protecting, wise hands. and as an added little bit - her last name was lapidas which means gravestone. so all of that fits pretty well i guess. still freaking hate the name ramona. and as i said before it is gideon's sister's name. i could live without that too but nothing else came to me so . . . i suppose i could redo the meditation to confirm.

alright - that's it - i'm pretty sleepy and frankly i think this is fairly coherent considering i'm a bit squiffafied.

I have no speech, no name. I live in the action of death. The blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction, absolute, alone.

stupid stupid stupid

so i just forgot. i mean i remembered until i got distracted. good distraction what can i say.

i actually had things to tell you. like yesterday was the 22nd anniversary of the first time i had sex. i don't often think about that. it isn't like it is something that i celebrate ever year. i just had a doctor's appointment and she asked how long i had been having sex and then later on in the car i was thinking about gideon (it's worse in the car) and my mind did that little free float association thing where of the five million things floating around in my head at any given time there is a connection between two or more. happens to me all the time. that's really where the strength of my memory lies. it's not linear. it's finding associations.

but whatever.

i also have a whole speel about my two interactions with the stupidity of healthcare and providers and insurance but that will have to wait because it is is 7:35 and have to go to that stupid business meeting my company holds every year on a saturday. blecch.

sorry again. (hangs head) i have done a very very bad thing

Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

if you must write prose and poems the words you use should be your own

i don't know why but today was a total smith's kindaday.

i went to my new PT place. made all sorts of damned sense i have to say. so they are going to totally work the crap out of me for the next six weeks but i am quite hopeful. i found out something about dehydration that i didn't know. when you don't drink enough water and dehydrate your body - the first place your body seeks liquid is from your muscles. somehow that seems so much more compelling than what i already understood about organs and skin.

ken starr is getting on my nerves again. in the wake of prop 8 he wants to forcibly divorce the 18k or so couples that got married before california lost their damned minds. aigh. why won't people see - it doesn't matter how you feel about things. you can not vote on other people's rights. period. the abortion argument is the same. until they can figure out a way to remove the embryo/fetus/child and have someone else care for it you can't tell anyone what to do with their body. so if you disagree with gay marriage or abortion - convince people / sway them to your side by all means.

anyway - ifyou agree with me about the gay marriage thing you can go here
Tell Ken Starr that divorcing parents to protect children is absurd and malicious.

i only wish they had a "tell ken starrr that he is absurd and malicious." which i would have said even before this latest stunt.

so i stopped writing abou tgideon cuz i felt it was overwhelming and depressing. now i sit to write about it and i am so very reluctant to share it; to give it away. fear of further loss or fear of healing.

Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been
Going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart

you will get nothing out of me - NOTHING i say

please read the title in a german accent ala mchale's navy. and if you don't remember mchale's navy . .. . please humor me.

anyway, again i tried to post on my phone and again no joy. so know that this is the extent of my dedication i just got my ass out of bed and came back downstairs to type my blog. and it is waaaay effing late. why didn't i do it before. blame it on the moon (moon is my code name for flexeril). no, really, it doesn't knock me out but it did make me a little spacey. plus i was hunting through my photos for a certain picture of me, scottie and chris that this girl i know wants to possibly use in a show. so yes, i am loyal.

OTOH - i have my new PT in the morning which i have beena ssured is basically an ass kickig session and i have to be up early for it so . . . SEE YA

i did find the most wonderful website http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/buffy/quotes/index.shtml

there's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie jeebies
There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies.'

There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies.'

omissions

thank you guys for your (once again) cheerleading. the title is a response to scooter's comment in particular. it got me to thinking about everything that i am and do hold back when i write this blog. not really a lead in to me revealing anything deep and dark. maybe later.

tonight was our 'name find / chord color find' meditation. i hate the name and not crazy abou tthe colors. the colors are effing xmas - white; red and green. the name i am holding off on because i'm supposed to see if it takes or if it evolves. what i mean is - for instance - mine was the name of my shamanism teacher who died but was it because she appeared to me and should it be her name or her spirit animal - - - that kind of thing - you are supposed to sleep on it a little. but i hate the name - oh, and it's gideon's sister's name too whooohooo

song on my mind


lyric on my mind:
. . and everything you gave to me changed everything i used to be much more than anyone i ever knew

but i have long shiny hair - yay!

i have to say - i'm extraordinarily disconnected as of late. there's nothing to bring this more to your own attention than looking into your child's eyes. i'm not coming down on myself. it's more just bizarre - it's like i'm not really here.

i think the word you're searching for is absent.

well it's about frickin time

i saw my first dating site commercial featuring a gay couple that wasn't a "for gays only" site. YAY!!

kim is very correct - i am wasting good drugs on actual pain!! dammit. dammit.

but the interesting thing is that i think this jaw thing is the explanation for a number of issues. so let's see my jaw is sending pain into my mouth, head, neck back and arm and my ankle is sending pain into my foot, legs and hips. whoo hooo - ya, know you're jealous.

so i figured out why my blogs have been sucking on and off for a few weeks now. unless i am talking with someone else when i pause to take a tour of my brain i find it is full of either the things i need to do and they are nearly endless OR things that are bothering me that i spend a great deal of time suppressing. i'm not exactly sure what to do about that - just mentioning it.

the first step is admitting it, right? hi, i'm cassandra, and i am boring.

Psychologically this is fascinating, doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? ...Just me then.

what a good boy am i . . . or girl . .. whatever

i read / sang him all of puff the magic dragon without choking up once. and now he is upstairs singing it to himself.

i'm hoping for enough snow to justify working from home tomorrow. they already closed the school system and i just don't understand when the whole world changed. when i tell you that we used to go school in blizzards i truly am not exaggerating the point.

so; my poor little boy had quite a rough day today. he already had a little bit of a cold. so they went out to play - i subscribe to the theory that fresh air is better for a cold then being trapped in warm air - so he comes in and slips and falls and hits his face against the wheel of the stroller tire. big bruise. so because of that and the cold/slight fever i decide to give him ibuprofen. usually i give it to him in a syringe. i couldn't find a clean one so i got a measuring spoon. well, we don't give him meds often and somewhere along the way i must have gotten it mixed up in my head and thought that 5mL = tbsp. it doesn't it = tsp . . . notice the absence of a B in there. i ffffffaaaaaaaareeaked. i mean i was pretty certain that it wasn't the kind of overdose that would be life threatening but still. well, turns out that it's fine but still. fortunately, he seems to have inherited his mother's processing of pain meds. last night i took 2 of the flexeril and couldn't sleep for hours and on a triple dose of ibuprofen he bounced of the walls for like 2 hours. course, at least this didn't happen to him:



so THEN; later; we are in my room and he starts to jump and i say . . . and then SMASH - - face into the head board. big old bloody nose and ssssAAwoeLEN. we opted out of giving him more meds ;)

so i think i've told you he calls us things. for a while he was a pig, i was a bear and carl was a bug. then he was puff the dragon; carl was tuff the dragon and i was 'mr. fire' - don't ask me i dont' have a clue. well lately he is a red car; carl is dump truck and i am a "murdercycle". i find it a little freaky.

i had a dream that i let him go out our backyard but not really our back yard and down this hill nearly a block away and then had to run after him before he ran into the street and people were yelling at me. nothing more comforting than the "i'm a bad mother dream"

i had my mom over for her birthday dinner last night. we had a grand marnier cake. mmmmm and i don't really gie a fig about cake as a rule but it is just THE BEST. actually had a second piece today.

i've started to re-order my mind. adjust to the new and different reality. well, sometimes i'm doing that . . . sometimes i'm just trying to put off the dealing cuz . . .


i can't think about this - it doesn't fit in my head.

once again - tough tushy bitches

we just ahd birthday dinner for my mom. malachai is always happy for a birthday because there is cake and the only reason my mother wanted cake was to see him happy. it's really awesome to see their relationship. even though it drives me a little crazy at times. since he talks like her sometimes - aigh.

ya know how i've been telling you that malachai calls us different things. like for a while he was a pig and i was a bear and his father was a bug. then he was puff the dragon and his father was tuff and i was mr. fire. and so on and so forth. well, this week he is a car and his father is a - -- shit; i forget - - and i'm a murdercycle. am i the only one that finds that . .. er, something

okay; i'm being beckoned and i am going to answer the call. maybe i will come back afterward but then i will feel like i need to tell you all about it so maybe not ;).'

I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.

mmm drugs are bad . . . mmm'kay

my effing face. three lodines; 6 excedrin; 3 motrin; 2 tylenol 1; 2 vicodin; 1 flexeril and a beer. now granted i just took the flex and i haven't finished the beer yet but still i shouldn't be able to feel anything right now let alone a twinge of pain. actually carl massaged my face and that is the most effective thign that's happened yet. fortunatelymy hips are bugging me too much today but my ankle is throbbing a bit. <<>>

i want everyone out there to band together and pray really hard that i will win the lottery tonight. me and some people from work bought tickets. it will work out to about 8.5 each before taxes. i feel like i might be able to live with that. and if you pray really hard for me i will help you out too. :)

tomorrow is my mom's birthday and i still haven't finished the present. i suck. i just need like seven or eight more hours in every day. that might do the trick.

jarsquatter.com - probably the most disturbing thing i have ever seen on the internet . . . and i have ventured into some of the stranger corners. i am not recommending it and def not after you eat. carl says that soulja boy's reaction is really funny but i can't watch that yet youtube.com/watch?v=xYapljom1Xl

i'm tired of having my feelings hurt.

well, at least i'm finally getting a little sleepy. so i can go to bed in pain.

carl had his first interview today for one of the two jobs. he has made it to round two; which is the technical interview. and next week his first article is due for the other job he is interviewing for. i'm hopeful.

obama has repealed the 'conscience clause' loop for abortion. so now people who object to abortion can't refuse legal services and / or information just because they don't happen to agree with it. YAY!!

must be a bit of the evil left in me after all

two fer day

thought i should post this and do a regular blog later.

in case the link doesn't work http://apps.detnews.com/apps/multimedia/player/index.php?id=1189

Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'être, you know.

so that was a waste of my time

i went to the dentist and i guess you know he's good cuz my wait was about an hour. i mean the assistant came in and took films and all but mostly there was just the waiting. we believe that it is my jaw and not the tooth which is cool in the i might not have to have my tooth extracted way. but less cool in the - the treatment is wear your mouth guard and take a flexeril for the next 2 weeks before bed. "oh, they're gonna knock you out" well, i took one at about quarter of ten and here we are at eleven thirty and sure i'm yawning a bit but . . . when i tell people i have a high drug tolerance why do they think i'm making that shit up. oh and for the pain he told me to take lodine. which i have been taking along with tylenol1 and excedrin so whooo hooo for me.

anyway, this is all of course stress related which means i'm gonna have to stop omitting things for a little while i guess.

so yeah, tons of pain - no sleep - awesome!! oh and so much to do it's ridiculous. if only i were . . .

Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.
Please, she-Really?
Of course. Nobody could do that much découpage without calling on the powers of darkness.

well this is a first

this is the first time tha i actively don't won't to write my blog.

my hip is killing me tonight and if things don't turn around soon i will be out of pain killers and in pain gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr damned new therapy better work

you should check out http://www.recovery.gov/ it is a breakdown of where the stimulus monies are going. i haven't really made it through just yet but i gotta be honest; i almost don't care about the particulars. the very idea of transparency - of being told what is going on . . . i'm befuddled and delighted.

it's 11:11 and i'm wishing for a lot of things.

i've been trying to find a spell to forget or be apathetic so we'll see how that works. i have a lot of spellwork to do this weekend actually. there's the stuff to get rid of and the stuff to get more of and the stuff i don't even know about. sigh.

We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, (jumps back) but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.

dammit janet

i missed the president. but there was sex so what are ya gonna do? i'll have to read the transcript tomorrow. i was really looking forward to it too. i've sort of decided thought that sex and kids are the only things worth living for (but not together eww). this isn't a radical change from my previous outlook on life. slight tweak is all.

so they have decided to send me to the whole spine strengthening thing.

i am going to south carolina after all. we had mentioned to my uncle that we were going down there and i guess he was looking forward to it as he has been having a rough time lately. i'm of two minds about that. i feel for him truly but he never seems to have for anyone else(esp for my mom). which doesn't bother me much in particular but in general . . . kim mentioned that maybe i was meant to find my friend cathy again to bring the support she needs into her life. trust me, i had thought of that.

but really why me? and when does karma kick in. or maybe it's long term karma catching up with me. but whatever - it's south carolina and i can go to savannah. i've only been there once but sooo in love with it. despite the fact that my mom and i argued about the constitution in the extreme on the way down.

it was shortly after 9/11 and the future of the country and what george w was doing to our freedom was so intense. my mom was basically condoning losing freedoms to combat fear and at the time i was quite worried that we were bordering on a civil war type atmosphere. i remember telling her that if it came to it i would fight anyone on her side of the argument. it might sound ridiculous now and of course it was a tiny bit but things were really scary then. it'll probably be another 15 years or so before i can sort out how much was actual fear and how much was the administration's manipulation of us. but i remember at the time laying in bed literally just on the verge of trembling. asking carl to reassure me we would be okay. having vague conversations about what would happen if we fell off the grid - survivalism that kind of thing. very little was as eerie as the three days with no noise in the sky . . . except maybe the first few days there was noise again.

wow. yeah, that was way off path

anyway; i'm planning to still go to MI and to bermuda or some warm comfy place. we'll see.

KO - kids - that's all ya get tonight.

Now get off the boy, Buffy, we're going home.

grumbly belly

everyone is playing a game on facebook that i could pretty much play all day. in fact; i think i did today. you 1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
First random article to appear is the name of your band.

2 - Go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
Last 4 or 5 words of the last quote in the list, is the title of your first CD.

3 - Go to http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third image (whatever it is) is the cover art for your CD.

4 - Shoop or paint the cover with the random info.

5 - Post your CD cover, copy this steps in the caption and tag your friends so they can make their own CD cover.

go ahead - you will soon be addicted!!

actually just going to flickr and hitting random reload over and over is pretty damned awesome

the image above is one that i liked :)

a bunch of people in the company bought lottery tickets together. it's up past 120million. it would be so great to win and never never never go back to work again. the truth is my company is pretty good and things aren't so bad but for the horrible horrible boredom. my life lacks electricity and frankly i am an electricity / connection junkie. truly i'm understating the case - the mundanity and isolation are overwhelming. the mundanity is real. the isolation is a realization.

so wall street dropped to its lowest in 12 years which reminded me that i never moved my 401k out of stocks. at this point i suppose i should just ride the wave . . . what goes down. hmm, wait, that doesn't work huh? here's hoping that obamarama kicks in good and proper like.

damn i am soooo addicted to http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/

ooo - that's right. i said i was going to occasionally post some photography on here. so i'll give it a shot but idk if it's gonna work.





YAY!!!! it worked

look at me i'm dancing crazy

i'm crazy? honey, i'm the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind

So I took the kid to the store to get cat food. When we got back and he wanted to help feed them was the first time I realized that in a short couple of years I will be able to foist this duty off on him on a permanent basis. er, hold please – he is in the kitchen telling himself that he is doing a great job . . . no worries he was just watching the cats eat and if they knocked food out he was putting it back in the dish. ya just never know what a toddler considers a great job.

So anyway, we are at the store – walmart – now I know that comedians have asked this question before but as yet I haven’t heard an answer – what freaking criteria do they use to determine how many parking spaces should be handicapped??? I mean are there ever really gonna be 24 handicapped people at walmart at the same time??

Carl and malachai are building with blocks this morning and I hear this

Malachai: no, don’t knock it over

Carl: well, you knocked over my house

I just talked to cathy. My friend who has cancer. It is stage four breast cancer that is in her brain; bones; liver and lungs. it's fucked. we didn't speak for nearly fifteen years and then ran into each other at a mutual friends 40th. i told carl i shoulda just not spoken to her. sorry; that's my attempt at humor but i fear it won't translate well for everyone, huh? in 98 stage 4 held a 20 percent chance of survival and 10 years later - it's gotta be better, right? i hadn't asked her before where she was living. turns out she is living on the street that gideon lived on in high school. i don't know exactly why i find that weird but i do. i do know i really don't want to play this game.

so tonight the kid says, out of nowhere "okay, bye" i said "bye. where are you going" and he walks over to the door and says "i'm going to yoga" "oh, well, that sounds like fun" then he takes a second, reconsiders and starts walking back and says "now where are my keys" :)

remember a while back there was all this hub-bub about an snl skit that was supposedly pulled off the air. well, my father sends it to me and it's the one that is poking fun at democrats. this one http://www.blogcatalog.com/search.frame.php?term=snl%20bailout%20skit&id=f18ef0623693720d92d1f7a7007cd78e

only that wasn't the one. the one that was the subject of controversy is this one - warning; it is about the big 3 bail out so if that is going to upset you . . . . http://www.blogcatalog.com/search.frame.php?term=snl%20bailout%20skit&id=39685366be19a0f38881217b34d0cd51

my point in including it is again the whole republican/conservative spin. it's just annoying. my 'sister-in-law' has been sending the following tag on her emails "be a liberal . . . rewrite the past, lie about the present, offer nothing for the future!" what can i say, i got annoyed i replied "be a conservative . . . lie about the past, fuck up the present and ride everyone in the middle class' back into the future" what can i say - i've just about had it.

honestly, i've just about had it with a number of things - to finish what i started . . .

cuz at least i admit the world makes me nuts!

yawn. you see i say yawn because when i actually yawn you don't get it

when that kid sleeps he ain't messing around. i just went up and changed him while he was sleeping - turned on the light; took him out of the crib; took off the sleeper - lots of wiping and then back into the crib.

so i'm a little pre-occupied; both with the stomach cramping (what the hell is this all about - it seems to happen more and more) and with this poem that i am trying to edit for submission.

Meditations on Meditation

It slaps the skin
Where it begins
The tempo fret
Reaches nothing yet
Pushes straight in
The sternum worn thin

Grab the vessel
Squeezes the pump
Selling what few are willing to
Invest in

Let it go, let it flow
On the wave of the bass
Bounce off the drums
Piercing arrow of low, low, low -
Low down and dirty
Reach down low
For the next thing it
Becomes
Reach down low

for the next line
It hums

It hums
It hums

The hum that joins us
Fast, fast, fast, furious
Clench and release
Clench and release
Always it's these

My skin vibrating from the bubble of blood
Fast rushed running through
Never expected

I found my stomach where I never thought to look
Right next to my heart
itself an unexpected stone

Not in the ether
Not where the wind whistles
Not where whispers ride dandelion spores
But right here

HEY - RIGHT FUCKING HERE

In the vein
Where blood is boiling
Where stroke and throb
Take off like horse hooves
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomping
Building up toward a full stampede

Hot pulsed tempo
Hits a snare, a snare
Hot pulsed tempo
Red and white glare
Heat gathers heat
Scorches like ice

Hitting up on the crux of it
Rubbing the under-belying
Scraping the roe off
Bursts and pops twixt tongue and tooth

Introduce and anoint
Simul atque

Can't shake this state
Floating apart
Feet planted firm
My spine, my shoulders
My . . . my . . .
Where does it start?
Manan rolling from somewhere
Search, search, seek
But find the source to what end?
You may kneel at its feet
Not be its friend

This is the way my heart beats
This is where I am complete
The vibrating whir becomes a pound
A bleating, a bleating, fleeting sound
Reminders, knocking, knocking
This is not where it ends
This is just plateau

Not because it isn't real
Not because it's only 'feel'
Rather
That's all there is

The movement of the wheel
Climbs and plummets, plummets and climbs
And interruption of plateu vistas
Time to rest and bask
Respite from the questions we ask

Let the circle be complete
Let the circle be complete

gotta get the passport pictures tomorrow. gotta do a lot of stupid shit tomorrow.

so i was just sitting here thinking about crying - not, as in thinking 'i think i'll cry' but just thinking of it the anture of it and what it means blah blah blah. i have this half joke of a theory that depression is because you have to flush all the tears out of your system periodically. anyway, then i remembered the scrubs epirsode where kelso says he is dehydrated from crying. so that makes me curious and honstly this is how i know all the weird little things i know ( and nothing partciularly useful) . someone says something i find interesting, confusing or intriguing and i am research girl. so i look it up. must be asked a lot because it actually pops up as a question before i even start the third word. the first hit is a link to yahoo answers q. can you become dehydrated from crying a. if you are crying that much dehydration is the least of your worries hahahahaha

i just noticed that my computer seems to be randomly missing words i've typed in very bizarre. hopefully i have fixed them all.

have i mentioned that i hate our cats - well, two of them anyway - the two i didn't raise up from kittens.

alright; i'm a done deal. i keep nodding of and being all twitchy and mistyping and also, writhing in stomach agony. bed should solve both of these things so

two birds one ston and . . . BOOM . . . yummy bird soup.

but i won't do that

so let me get the shit you don't want to read out of the way first - oh and btw, fuck you for that. :) there are only two things i've ever wanted in life - true love and a best friend. and yes, i know the mistakes i've made a long the way in that regard. pressures and standards i shouldn't have and i take that. course i also know the efforts i've made. but as for the other . . . honest. i didn't know. i didn't know that . . . well, i didn't know that my mind was so far out of whack with everyone else. seriously, i just didn't know. truthfully i still don't know the rules - i just know i am out of sync. i suppose i should have concentrated my efforts to like a career or something. or learning something useful.

today was another hard day in the never ending grieving. i'm watching dollhouse. it really is awesome and you should check it out. but in case you don't the overall is these people there brains are wiped clean and they are then impreinted with another life. in general i would like to sign up for that but in specific it would be good to just wipe gideon out of my head. for someone like me there is no point to this whole process.

now, the kid. so the potty training. the only thing that i have come up with is that he likes to flush the toilet so i have told them at school not to let him flush it unless he actually goes. i like to try to stick to rewards and punishments that are actually natural outcomes. when he was pooping in the crib (notice the optimism with which I use the past tense) we would put him in the shower. oh how he hates the shower.

damn - what the hell was i gonna tell ya - - -totally forgot.

well, this isn't it but . . . i heard from my physical therapist today and she and the physiologist have decided to xray / mri me and send me to another hospital's spinal clinic for physical therapy designed to strengthen my back and hip muscles - at least i think that is the purpose. seems about right to me since this program is all about strength exercises which is what i thought i needed next. although i do wish they had done some muscle nerve release in my foot before sending me on my way. but here's the other thing about that. i get to thinking about all that i have been through with this leg and all and i feel so badly for people without insurance and/or the impetus to pursue it further. i mean as far as my orthopedic was concerned i was a done deal as soon as i could walk. his answer to me needing pain killers to do a lot of physical exercise - don't do the exercise. so you might say to yourself so - what's the difference. the difference is - the problems i'm gonna have later on will hopefully be very minimized. this is where western medicine really lacks. i mean, how can anyone think you can reconstruct a leg using body parts from all over - keep someone off their feet for nearly two years . . . it's gonna take time and you have to address more than just the leg.

speaking o fwhich i went ot yoga tonight - a different kind of class than i usually go to. i like it though. a lot. i mean; i'll be doing it in addition not instead of but still. the one i really gotta check out is an hour and a half hip class. i'll keep you posted

so i went on line and looked and it only takes about 3 weeks to get a passport so i think we might be going on a real vacation - bermuda; aruba that sort of thing. not that that precludes michigan plans. there's actually a crap load of places i have been thinking about going to but it would be nice to go get warm for a little while.

i have a week to finish my mother's birthday present. i'm making her a photo album of malachai from birth forward. ihave a horrible suspicion i've lost pictures but . .. oh well.

i also have to call my friend cathy. did i already tell you about seeing her again and that she has cancer. well, i did finally call but we're playing tag at the moment. i'm hping to have her for dinner soon but of course my avoidance of phones is crippling progress. sigh.

so it's 11:11. i've been home for two and a half hours and it is just barely 65 in the house. my little toesies are cold. and i think i might be near exhausted enough to sleep without thinking.

a more serious quote tonight - no reason; shits and giggles - i like it . . .

Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open it's jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead.

i'd give you everything i got for a little peace of mind

i would welcome his ridicule of my overdramatic grief.

oh, how i wish i was normal. i don't really mean that in reference to the whole grieving thing. well, yeah, okay, that too but beyond that. i wish i could just be normal. like people do. or barring that, i'd take interesting and successful or one without the other.

wow - i just saw an ad for a tv show and one of the guys was the dude that played prince's father in purple rain and he looked exactly the same. for some reason that guy's looks always fascinated me.

also why am i all swelly - my hands; like i've eaten twelve pounds of salt.

i went back to PT today. they want to do an MRI of my hips and my chiropractor wants to do an Xray so whooohooo me.

i think i need to build some strength to go along with the stretching. so i went for a bike ride today. holy pooper it was cold but it felt good. WOW i just went to google to try and figure out how far i went - turns out i went over three miles! yay!!

okay, so it's 10.30 and tonight i shall sleep as i seem to have missed out on that for a few nights.

O O OMG!!! the absolute cooooolest thing happened tonight. carl took malachai to the store with him and told him 'we have to pick up a few things for momma - what should we get her" and my little boy said "we need to get momma new flowers" seriously. how friggin unbelievably awesome is that???!! and then he picked that out. he chose deep pink begonias. <3 <3 :)

that's all you get outta me . . .

I could be out pillaging, devouring babies, making merry with the local virgins! But instead, I had to come all the way back here to kill you.

it's official - we're nudists

all things are clean. all clothing; all blankets and sheets and etc. everything but what we have on - and the kid always strips before he falls asleep. well, that and i think carl has hidden or thrown away kai's onesies because we disagree about whether they fit. i'm actually so annoyed by that i am tempted to wake him and ask. they are 3 and 4 t onesies which gerber has discontinued as of this year and no other company sells - gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrr. he best have an answer or there will be the throwing out of many many things. anyhoooooser. the happy up side to all this is that that's it - the laundry is done. and 98% put away. overall i'd say i finally got back to pre-flea conditions so now i can go back to my little projects i was previously trying to focus on - my photos; filing my writing and throwing half of everything i own away.

so if the whole big three bailout makes me queasy - - any news about the banks and it's vomitorium time. speaking of which the jon stewart show - watch it tomorrow and watch the mcdonald's worker freak that talked to the president. YIKERS!! anyway, we are so far off track. one economist summed it up well - when we are in trouble we go in for the fix and dont want to look at the underlying because we just have to get out and quick. and then when we aer doing well - - - why rock the boat. clinton and gore had big plans for actually changing the structure of our economy but we were so deeply mired at that point that there was no way it was going to happen. and bush, sigh, can we just say ass monkey and let it go at that?? so here we are again and the only hope i have seen at all is those few ceo's who have waived their salaries. cuz you know what - that's the way it is supposed to work. somehow we have reached a point where the pervasive attitude is 'shit rolls downhill'

now overall i am not one to go retro; troglodytes, technophobes will get no sympathy from me. and all the bullshit about how much better things used to be. i have no patience for that kind of crap. sure some things used to be better. when our parents were kids - yeah, you didn't have to worry about your kid being on crack but you did have to worry about ummmmm, polio. just as example. alright sorry, i got carried away. again the point is that while i don't normal embrace going retro (except in fashions) it's about time that those in the positions of influence embrace truman's "THE BUCK STOPS HERE" you don't get 3million dollars a year just cuz you somehow got into that job. it's not the reward for making it. it's the payment for DOING the damned thing. and so when i say that detroit should have seen it coming. i don't mean joe shmoe on the assembly line (though there is a whole nother conversation about that) i mean those in charge should have seen it coming. that is the point of that job. finger on the pulse.

blech. i so didn't mean to write that much about this cuz i really don't want to discuss it. but i fear i sorta blew my whole load on that - so to speak and really

i just want to sleep, yo, for like a week

are we overreacting - she's in a computer what can she do

i'm watching ralphie may talking about acid. omg. download this. but here's what i love

his friend: yeah, we're gonna do acid
ralphie: *you're not* - your afraid of heights
his friend: dude it's a single story house what could go wrong
ralphie: anywhere in your house does it go from carpet to linoleum

i can't stop laughing. oh and kim - he says - a NUMBER of times ***a _little_ dab'll do ya!!!!!***
just saying

so i heard on the radio that some houses in greenwich connecticut aren't selling because either people don' thave the money or they are embarrassed to spend it. they went on to have a car dealer on saying that a guy traded in a rolls royce for a much more modest car. ya know what - maybe there is hope yet.

we did an archangel meditation tonight (i almost typed medication) and that wiped my ass out. but i have made the child's lunch and breakfast packed his school bag put out his clothes. oh, and i have one thing left to wash - a comforter. and not only is the laundry done but it's put away. well, some of my clothes are folded neatly on top of a shelf because i don't have enough room for all my clothes. pathetic. my next thing is to get rid of some of it. i swear i don't know how it multiplies.

i keep starting to tell you certain things about gideon's death or the events surrounding it and then i stop myself because a number of them are things i haven't said to anyone and a few are things only iknow. believe me none of it is earth shattering but at the moment they are completely and utterly mine.

good goddamn, i'm having some serious charlie horses to go along with my hip pain. did i mention i think i figured that out?? i think i did mention that.

that's it friends - good night. what?? you were expecting more?? well . . .

My predecessor, (Mr. Flutie), may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And this blog (Sunnydale) has touched and felt for the last time.

grrr

the skin at the base of my left pinky is friggin itchier than itchy

tonight's hobby obsessing over the largeness of my pores (i think it's time to start doing that skin regiment thingie). i'm sure i'll be back to have a grating in the back of my mind bsession about my weight tomorrow. nice to mix it up every once and a while.

so the foot itself has been hurting lately. BUT i think i have figured out all of this. i mean, a certain amount of pain is to be expected but . . . it's because i don't walk or run or swim or any of those forward motion exercises. i haven't in a while. i really think that's it. so that's what i have to do. well, i mean, not the running thing - that's never gonna happen. no day no way. you couldn't get my ass to run before i was all cripplefied. i did try one season in high school. uck! anyway, hopefully it works.

so last november i went to my friend adam's 40th birthday party. i reconnected with adam at latin school's class of 1987 reunion. yes, again, the one i went to with gideon - friggin things circle. but anyway, at his birthday party i got a chance to connect with some other people i haven't seen in a long time. in particular cathy. she and i were very tight. but i dated someone inside the group and when he and i started to have problems i didn't talk about it at all and he did pretty much nothingelse so of course i was the bad guy. there was more to it than that but that was a major piece of it. so anyway - after cathy and i did a fairly stunning rendition of meatloaf's paradise by the dashboard lights; we got to talking about her cancer remission and mastectomy and etc etc. well, i found out about a week or two ago her cancer has resurged and is in a variety of areas.

so i gotta wear my mouth guard faithfully for the next week and if my tooth is still bugging me i'm gonna have to at least pull that one out.

i so wish i had telekinesis. although, i did manage to reorganize his play room and move the furniture around and i am one load of laundry away from NO DIRTY CLOTHES IN THE HOUSE whooooo hoooooooo i'm so excited that you'll have to

Excuse me. I have to call everyone I've ever met.

i almost forgot again. yikes!

and yeah, there isn't much going on in my head except to tell you how cute my kid is - just one of those days.

well, either that or i could tell you the laundry list of things i have to do - cuz that's what's going on in my head at the very moment.

here's the song that's been in my head all day - well, a few lines of it anyway



so when it rains it pours - carl now has two jobs he's applying for. one is what he really wants to do and one is an awful lot of money (well, to us). i'm really hopeful for him that hears from them both around the same time and one says no. it would just make things much easier

so - for you michiganders - tuesday is the big day. the three turn in their essays on how they are planning to use the bailout to rise above business as usual. no commentary - just pointing it out if you want to keep abreast of these things.

in other news - http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/health/39530622.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUnciatkEP7DhUsl

not that i see that ending the debate

you say it isn't enough? you say you want more

were you born this big a pain in the ass?

i'm no hypocrite

so when i tell you that i would so bang joss whedon. i have a long history of dating nerds. as my friend lisa from high school put it a little while ago. someone else asked if i had a crush on the same guy in hs that lisa did and i said 'oh, no' and lisa was like, "yeah but you always dated those weird guys" so i name off a few - "what gideon was cute; mark; ian . . . " and lisa says "no, they were cute i just mean they were all ya know . . . inelligent or something" heehee okay; maybe ya had to be there but anyway it's not that the guy is famous. it's that he's brilliant; insightful; mesmerizing and fucking hilarious. needless to say i enjoyed dollhouse immensely. and just wehn i tried to go to bed i stumbled on the george carlin mark twain award special so - another late night.

the boy has taken to calling us all animals this week. we i like a lot better than when we are trains but still it is a little boggling where he comes up with this stuff. i am bear; carl is bug; my mother is sheep and he is pig, which is why he is pink. nod and smile my friends -lotsa nodding and smiling.

i'm hoping that last night i may have actually been able to do one of those parent things. when he is playing he wants to keep playing or reading or whatever he is involved in so he won't necessarily listen when you call him and he doesn't trust that what he is doing will be ther when he gets back. which i suppose is kinda reasonable at a daycare. i figured i would let him watch thomas before bed so i called him and said come here for a minute. he says, um i can't i'm just doing something. so i called him again. i won't walk you through each one but we did this maybe 10 ten times. so finally i said well, i'm shutting off the television. well, he comes running. shows up all bright eyed. i said, i'm sorry but you weren't listening so we can't watch television. so maybe . . .

anyhoosier, i got off to a raucous start - thought for sure ya'll were in for a novel today but there is dinner and a show. course, all that is taking place in our tv room but hey, still. oh i can hear you now; you're saying . . .

All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.

that kid better stop crying before 9pm

cuz dollhouse is one then and i'll have to turn off the monitor and if he falls and breaks an arm i won't know because i will be watching the brilliance that is joss whedon.

speaking of joss, that is why i am posting now. no, not because the kid is crying. they were crocodile tears that stopped before i even started the second paragraph. but i wanted to post before i see dollhouse to say this - - - ya know when people talk about friends that they have had that because of one thing or another it doesn't matter what that person ever does again they will still adore them. that is how i feel abou tthis dollhouse thing. it doesn't matter if it sucks. joss brought me buffy and angel and firefly and yes, even dr. horrible's sing a long blog and therefore i will watch this show until it ceases to suck or they yank it off the air. at which point i will buy it's dvd's. good gravy i hope i don't have to eat those words.

speaking of friends and expectations, what a strange place my life is. ya know i told you i have that sort of drive by approach to friendship. yet in practice i have these weird . . . i don't even know what they are. i'd just like to be a reasonable degree of friends with a few people and go out every once in a great while. is that so bizarre? and then relationship (ie boyfriend) - yeah, well, i'm still not gonna talk about that but suffice it to say that isn't what i intended either. so how is it exactly that most things in my life are fairly polar opposite of what i would like them to be / what i always intended them to be?

speaking of things i didn't intend, there is the fact that i made the mistake of donating once to a cancer fund and now two of them tag team me every night for roughly four hours a night - not to mention all the calls that i am not here for and since i don't want to say 'i'm not donating to cancer' but at the same time i don't want to say 'sure i'll donate; please call me every day for the rest of my life' i just ignore the calls or periodically hit answer and end simul atque. plus some 1800 service number that i'm pretty sure wants to give me the grand prize to a giant poop in the pants.

speaking of poop in the pants. when will my child potty train?? every time he makes a developmental jump i pray it will be his last for a while so he can concentrate on getting in touch with his inner underwear wearer.yeah, i wish i had something glib to say about that but i really don't. what i do have is a pimple the size of asia on my chin.

speaking of asia and pimples, the first dollhouse may or may not take place in asia but i bet eliza won't have pimples. look, give me a break i'm exhausted. i went to bed at 10pm last night like a good little doobie. ya know what happens when i do that?? i wake up at FOUR THE FUCK AM!! and am unable to return to nigh nigh land until 5.30 just so i can get up at 6.30 mofos! why was i up at 6.30 you might ask? to go to the worst cpr class in history. and actually *that* was really weird. what happened to me personally in that class i mean, nothing to do with the class itself. but that will have to wait because whedon is calling.

and speaking of whedon i've decided the way to share my favorite quotes is to change my tag each post. you'll know it because it will be bold (both in coloring and in its supreme whedonesqueness) but really - - joss waits for no ma'am so . . .


if the apocalypse comes, beep me

it's 10pm - why won't your toddler sleep

the scene is a small kitchen table and a little boy shoveling vegetarian sausages in his mouth as though there had never been food before but taking a breath to notice the coffee mug with a snowman "look at the scarf momma, it's red; and he has a big smile and look at his hat and two eye buttons and he has other buttons and there's a carrot and he's white; is he white momma? you're right he is white. does he have buttons - look at his other buttons. the pig is trying to be pink and he has a head and two ears. he's looking for the bug . . .' which is all to say he does not tire of the sound of his own voice. the kid cracks me up. i get tired just listening to him.

so, in today's herald this guy is trying to sue boston college for having a cross in every room. now, if he was pissed about crosses and ten commandments in statehouses that kind of thing i would be all over that shit. but bc for those of you that don't know is a private catholic college. now i have sympathy for those that feel slighted as these all went up over winter break without discussion with the non-catholic elements on campus. so sympathy abounds now get over it. i went to a catholic college and while they accepted my nonbelief i still had to see 'he of the tiny loincloth' in all of my classrooms. frankly i was far more outraged by the 11pm curfew and no boys in the room thing ;)

i am one damned sleepy girl.

here's a story of interest to me - i won't moralize on it too much http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/02/12/40_years_worth_of_thanks/?s_campaign=yahoo

so what should i get carl for v-day? let's bear in mind people that we are in slow steady reparation phase at the moment. yeah, i know you guys didn't know that - well, ttttthhhhhhpppppttttt. for whatever reason this is the thing i don't feel like talking about in general audience. isn't that weird. i'll lead you through the scores of my darkest hours but for whatever reason . . . .

now listen kids tomorrow is the day you should have all been waiting for - dollhouse - watch it!! Cuz I can kill you with my brain . . . :) and yes that signifies i'm gonna start a new tag. again from buffy. complain if you like . . .

I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that

the more things stay the same / the less they change

so, it has just occurred to me that when bob mackie designs clothes he isn't designing them for women but rather really really svelte drag queens. not that i have ever spent much time before considering what bob mackie does and why - nor will i likely again.

my belly is in excruciating double over and scream pain at the moment except that i rarely double over and scream. but i will say it is extraordinarily difficult to type or even think at the moment.

so amongst the people the internet has brought back to me is my first college room mate. kyla. i love; adore kyla. i had considered naming malachai kyla if he was a girl. now i couldn't use the name because otherwise it would be kai and ky. it wasn't so much that i wanted to name "her" after kyla but i really like the name and it's the only name that i really like that i also really like the person. i don't think i'm making any sense. we shared a room that just barely fit two beds; two desks; two bureaus. as small as they could legally make it. and believe me i'm not just saying that because it was college etc etc. cuz my next two dorm rooms were like mansion suites .. . actually one of them literally was a mansion suite. but i digress.

so here i am 17 and an only child from boston about to room in a shoebox with the oldest of 6 children from fort kent maine. on the face of it she and i were polar opposites - physically she was 5'2" with a little pixie face and a very large bosom. also, she was very shy and quiet. ah, but there's the rub. she was quiet outside the room - - - inside the room on the other hand yap yap yap heehee noone believed me. they would say, how do you guys get along so well? oh, also, i used to like to pick her up which she wasn't quite as thrilled with :) so we would talk about everything. although i tended to be more quiet in the room. and we would talk into the early morning. a lot about politics and race and the like. and we disagreed on so very many points to the point where we would be near tears in frustration with one another. and yet, we had only one actual argument in the whole year. but i don't want to talk about that cuz even now - 20 years later the look on her face makes me sad. oh, and how things dovetail. kyla planned a surprise party for my 18th birthday and invited gideon down for it. it was a great party - bunch of 17 /18 year olds running around a motel.

i suppose that was all a little disjointed. i'm sorry. my belly, foot and hips hurt; my mind is buggled and i've miles to go before i sleep

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

that probably would have sounded more commanding if i wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas

i am the queen of boredom or of being bored whatever.

there's a woman at my work that i am thinking of killing so that could be entertaining. i'm just tired of people's crap - really. fucking minefield. the lack of logic; consistency and self reflection annoys the piss out of me but bleh

so then, i've taken tomorrow off. i went to the doctor today - maybe i have strep maybe not. he put me on penicillin either way. so either tomorrow i will feel much better and be able to get some shit done or there will be sleeping all day.

if a then you can expect little from me. if b - maybe more so.

carl is going after a new job. writing for a tech mag. it looks really good. i'll be very happy if he gets it. mostly because i think he'll be happier. plus writing is what he intended to do all along. he has a passion so he should be doing it. believe me if i could come up with a job that was "for me" i would damned well be doing it. not that i've let go of the teaching idea. but i've already told you i'm looking at that cuz it's closer.

so this guy is damn close to a hero to me http://billknott.typepad.com/ he is a poet and an extraordinary teacher. he was the first writing teacher who engaged in concrete/ how to / here's the problem criticism. his class brought me to life. i wrote some of my best pieces under his tutelage and loved the shit out of every minute of it. while he was my teacher i never read any of his poems - except one in another poetry class by accident - it was in one of our textbooks. some years later when i looked into going to grad school in arizona i went to their writing house on campus. basically a small ranch house; very small just filled with books of poetry. swoon - well, ish - truth is i don't like a lot of other people's poetry but that is a story for another time. but it is actually why i didn't read his poetry to begin with; i was afraid i couldn't take him seriously if he sucked anyway, i sat down and read his poetry. and <3 <3 he is rough exteriored but still simply phenomenal and has now taken to publishing every day and offering his poetry for free.

it's funny; when most people say they miss college they mean the friends, the partying, the lack of responsibility and believe me i miss all of that as well but what i really miss is the classes. i miss talking about things - philosophical; psychological; the craft of art; the art of everything. religion - politics. i miss talking about these things in an intelligent - let's explore what it really means way. not that there wasn't any emotion but . . . sigh, in college, even beer time was mentally stimulating. well, okay, not all the time

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

spent

i'm still sick. maybe more so. and i've typed three or four emails and a long im which have all left me . . . as i said. plus truth be told i'm annoyed. but the following is NOT what i'm annoyed about and should be read in a matter of fact (perhaps slightly dark humoured) tone of voice.

ya know what's ironic? i take my friendships and my actions in them very seriously - i've made a pattern of that for quite some time. no, that isn't the ironic part. when i was about ten or eleven i had a conversation with my mother. i told her i didn't need anyone. she was very concerned felt that i was detached etc. but i said / was trying to say there are people i like having in my life/want in my life but i don't *need* anyone. she spent a long time - that day and a lot of other days unwittingly convincing me that i needed other people to a kind of severe degree as well as a few other twists to that - eventually convincing em that something horrible will happen if people aren't there for me. i don't have enough blog space to explain the depth of crap in that idea or the thousands of ways i have disproved it.

now, before i go any further, the message of this is NOT to criticize my mother she didn't understand what i was saying to her and i was her kid and she was worried.

now, back to the irony, so here i am this person intense in my friendships but the truth of the matter is that *at heart* i am more or less a drive by friend. not that i don't connect - i like to connect / i'm good at it but then i like to sorta keep moving. which is actually pretty well proven by all the friends that i either didn't or barely kept in touch with. there are -wow- there is almost no one that i have kept in touch with for more than ten years in a row. i'm more fickle than even i thought. so there you go.

so that was the ironic part. now for the random thought part - some days i really wish i could just not interact. at all. grrrrr

but for both the irony and the randomness - i suppose it's too late to change my stripes now especially since my only childness makes me realize that when my parents die - that's that.

all of that contrasts against the intensity of connecting with my boy. yep. it's a good thing. the boy fell asleep on me today and it's the best. and not cuz he's all warm and toddlery and happiness and smells better than bread. but what's really cool is that he has that sense of comfort in me. that i am able to do that for him - that he is content to pass out on me like that. that he seeks me when his world needs a temporary fix. i'm all non-jelled jello just thinking about it.

here's another poem. although this one sucks a bit but it's new so there's that:

only the bottom, the end, the full stop
when no final jerk is coming
(well, there's always some jerk coming)

but the dirt nap,
pushing the grass
only that is the end of hope
er, i mean despair
no difference;
one always living inside the other
interchanging places
like jung's kaleidoscope
the blood bubble of yin and yang

are we clinking glasses
or slamming them over?

only the long sought sod sleep
ends the desire

o, god, let it end the desire


here's another thing - i'm willing to bet you consider that a mostly if not entirely dark poem whereas i consider it mostly funny. OH

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

did anyone else see that truck

the one that hit me. i'm fricking exhausted. i've slept most of the day and literally done nothing else the rest of it and if i stand up for more than a few minutes . . . in fact, i have lots of thoughts but i have no idea how many words i will actually be able to type

so ironically a certain someone made some actual points; mm, not points but real facts. i concur there is a state that can be reach where one interacts with a spiritual world. and in fact yoga is a pathway; course that needs to be sought after and worked on believe me it doesn't happen just cuz you decide to touch your toes. we part ways on the what that means as well as what eccles actually said and meant. but in the strictest sense it isn't worth discussing.

needless to say i didn't make it to yoga tonight but it wasn't because i was dissuaded :)

i'm eating cookies and drinking peppermint tea. i've eaten a lot of crap today. sigh. chocolate even - kim can tell you how weird that is.

i started a poem yesterday - it's horrible but eh:

my mind wiped clean
smooth as walls
flat and unchallenging
why clog up the cells
when there's an overgrown soul
Begging for more

hard spiraled band of pain
dotted between throat and heart
a simple fingertips worth of pressure
on my clavicle could shatter the silence
send the teeth to chatter

his is the name sits on my tongue
with my mouth glued shut
in the early morn
a stretch; a yawn
and i've pushed his face
out of my mind

my mind wiped clean
smooth as walls

seriously though why don't you guys get the wonder of joss whedon. i think my next project will be to assemble some of his greatest quotes. the mastery of language just kicks

my son has still not fallen asleep - he is in his crib blowing raspberries and giggling to himself.

cookies are calling

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

cuz there's a chance you might not yet think i'm crazy

often. very often. not always but frequently when i wake up or just as i'm falling off to sleep i find myself feeling like i am not myself. i think, what am i doing here. and by here i don't mean in my house or room or 'what am i doing with my life'. i mean here - inside this body. i think; this is not me. i haven't a clue how to explain this properly. when i was in kansas city; at the beginning of my nervous breakdown i had a conversation with barbara - my old roomate. first girl i kissed actually. anyway i was telling her that i had this nagging feeling like there was something that i forogt; something on the tip of my brain. that is very similar to this feeling that i am referring to. actually sometimes it happens just as a matter of course. during the day. i wish i knew what it was / is - thought i feel fairly certain it's spiritual. perpetual; there is something i should i be doing; if i only knew what.


so there's that. in other news my leg is all swelly which i am hoping is just because of my tevas. the strap i mean, hopefully i just had it too tight. but my leg is kinda whacky lately. sometimes i think it's getting better and sometimes i think it's declining.

david boreanaz' body is just well, it's ridiculous how hot he is. i'm gonna try to go to yoga tomorrow. i really have to pick up my schedule. but honestly i sorta seem to be lacking motivation in a number of ways. i was getting a lot accomplished until late august. and then there was the flea thing. it's just recently occurred to me that sublimating gideon's death has contributed heavily to my inertia. i just didn't see it because it started before his death. the whole flea thing just undid all the work i had done and so for a couple of weeks it was hard to get started again. and then gideon died. now, honest to goddess, when i say it didn't occur to me i mean until today. i kept thinking that i was just ahving a hard time starting up again. but duh.

i was doing some spells for a few weeks there but most of them were to remove fear or blockage etc. and i think i might just have flooded myself because i've been having a hard time with the part two of the spell.

well, that's all i got and i find myself exhausted yet again. maybe i will see you in your dreams

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

blinding blinding blurry

that's pretty much how my head feels. but there are banana chips.

oh, and also, i let him watch some tv tonight and remembered why i don't usually. nothing bad - just - wonder pets for example is . . . well, downright bizarre.

i think i broke my brain. i went to go to yoga tonight - by my mother's house. i took a different route than usual and got lost. i hate driving. a lot. and there's pretty much nothing worse than driving around and literally not going anywhere.

i'm debating whether to go to fetish night tomorrow. dance club with latex. i feel too fat for latex but maybe i could use a night out. i guess we'll see how i look in my new ball gown. did i tell you i bought a latex gown? it's purty.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B001CBM7JS/sr=8-1/qid=1233973901/ref=dp_image?ie=UTF8&s=apparel&img=PT03&qid=1233973901&sr=8-1&color_name=x

malachai's "best friend" won't be at the daycare anymore. they are moving. they said goodbye / gave each other a hug. it will be a week or more before he realizes. i'm so sad for him :(

so a friend of mine - his birthday was on the 2nd. i said happy birthday. he wrote back and asked me for a spell. the last time we spoke was beginning of november. i told him i was having a hard time. he basically said he didn't have time. i mean nicer than that but that was the idea. so i started to just help out and then i thought okay so i will give you a spell and some ideas how to do it but i fear if i do it for you i will end up resentful. which is what i told him. nicely. honest. told him to give me a few days to make up my mind and gave him some advice about how to get it ready regardless of which one of us did it. i have to say though that this is fairly typical for me and my relationships which is part of why i feel so isolated right now. i joked about 'the bastard' that pushed me into talking about gideon but in truth i appreciated it.

the problem is this on the one hand i seem to have more than my fair share of quite obvious one wayed ness (see above). on the other hand, i know i have a tendency to hold people to the same standards i hold myself and those are pretty damned stringent. and admittedly i am quite empathic. no, that is not tooting my own horn. there are plenty of things i suck at but i have a strong sense of people's emotions. so what to do. the easiest answer is to not do anything for other people or at least seriously limit it. but the truth is that in addition to my empathy i really LIKE to do things for other people. but then i worry that i am weak; perceived as a doormat. and there is a sting when i need something. although i am feeling that less and less. these are all very old themes and i have come a long way on them but they still pose questions. all of which was a long way to say - - i am trying to decide whether to do this spell for this guy or not.

i really have to get back to my own spell for the year end / initiation. i was really making some head way with them and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

my foot is cold

i hate that. the bad foot. it gets really cold a lot. circulation dealee i guess.

so my eyes are not quite so swelly. i almost look normal again. maybe i feel better - we'll see. there is a possibility that i am just too tired to feel anything at the moment.

so for those of you who have said or feel that i should not be this unhappy because i have my son. i love my son - beyond explanation. but he is not FOR me - i am for HIM. what i mean is that i have seen way too many people put their happiness on their children. it's a great deal of pressure on the child - it just plain isn't right. and yes, he makes me happy but the point is that it's my job to love him even if he makes me incredibly miserable. idk if that makes sense to you. a friend suggested that i should go away for a mini vacation just me and kai. but the fact is that i am fighting isolation here. it's connection i need. and again- yes, i feel connected to my son. very much so but he can't help me and i wouldn't dream of asking. and if you are reading - the only reason i didn't tell you that then is that i knew that didn't feel right but i couldn't put into words why which i suppose might have been influenced by the whole half a brain thing.

i am actually considering going away for a weekend without him. though i'm not sure i could spend a weekend without him.

so lux interior died. of a disease of all things. who woulda thunk it.good article here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2009/feb/05/cramps-lux-interior-dies
and this is the man at 60 and his wife at 55



mmmmm chicken soup

so, the initiation - not sure. maybe march. i'm also looking into a shamanism workshop. it's the weekend of march 28th. i've actually already done the basic workshop which is what this is but i don't exactly have proof so they might make me take it again before i can move on to the more advanced stuff.

oh, i meant to respond to you kim and i forgot - why do you think a bed is the answer to pooping in the crib?

well, kids - one week and one day to dollhouse!! whooo to the hooo

my teeth are all starchy so i'm gonna go do something about that and

Also . . . I CAN kill you with my brain

ah friends

there to lend a helping hand when you need one or to greet you after a horrible night with "you didn't blog!!"

i actually did blog around 9 and this is how it went:
nd if yiyu cna't see his igt l. . . a foool


this isn't the last of thints to sYEJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

only the j's went on about twice as long; actually i don't know how long they went on cuz they left the page. woke up at 2am with the computer on my lap. i thought about cheating and just changing the post time but i'm lazy and stupid not a liar.

i got drunk. very very drunk. and did a lot of crying. and awful lot of crying. cuz really what goes better with crying than drinking? did i mention i'm irish?

i have done a fairly admirable (to me) job of containing myself / my emotions on the subject. then some jackass started asking questions yesterday - wanted me to talk about it. then i went home looked at some letters and yeah, that was pretty much the end of that. lots of tears; lots of beers that then graduated to tequila and messy im-ing.

so, yeah, i guess now you know how yesterday went. so don't be hatin'. after all i said blog365 not necessarily in a row and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

you can run your whole life but not get anywhere

SocialD bitches!!

anyway that's pretty much how i feel - except i haven't done as much drinking - unfortunately. i need to do more - a lot more. a binge worth.

tonight was imbolc. well, okay last night was imbolc but tonight we had our rites. we call on brighid of the flame to ask that spring / warmth returns again. i hope to cripe that she doesn't let us down cuz i don't know how much more winter i can take.

well, i have an early day tomorrow and i have already blown that by being up this late. i have four or five more witchcraft classes beofre my initiation - anyone wanna come?

oh - and how the rest of my day went - work = people's bullshit; exhaustion; cooking; crying yadda yadda but most importantly - don't poop in the crib! remember poop goes in the potty. that and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

i'm multicrastinating

i have to do a shitload of work and this stupid blog . . sigh i want nothing to do with any of it.

when we were sixteen - well, i was - gideon wrote me a letter; a card - wtf ever. he told me to stay gold ala robert frost / the outsiders. i actually had the poem imprinted on my grandmother's death cards (um, what are they called) certainly not because of that just because . . . well, here's the poem if ya don't know it

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
so dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

anyway, some years later i wrote a letter to gideon - i was newly returned to new england and he was still in lawrence, kansas. i must have brought that up - i don't remember what i wrote to him but judging by his response i must have been afraid that i was losing my green / gold. he told me that more than anyone he knew i had held onto it but that if i needed to change my hue then i should do so . a very very dear friend wrote me today in response to the poem i posted yesterday and said " . . . the child in you shines brightly still. You have yet to admit defeat." what is that do you suppose?

so the answer to your question kim is for a long ass while. just writing that much i had to walk away for about a half hour and that wasn't even supposed to be about him.

so here's today's poem - well, not that i wrote it today. and no it isn't about him . . . well one line might be i don't remember but all over no:

He taught me
To separate my emotions from his
He taught me
To take it with a grain of salt
He taught me
To take it without asking
He taught me
To take it how I could get it
I taught him
To take it like a man

It's not a great poem but it amuses me to no end.

alright then - i have to go do someone else's work. cuz that's what i do in this near useless life i have created for myself. can't quite cover my own ass but somehow i excel at covering other people's - so if you need your ass covered i'll be there

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

cuz truly i have not one other thing to say

actually, i do have other things to say but i fear they may be too intense. not that i'm adverse to saying intense things or even depressing things. but i like to be i a good enough frame of mind to gauge how much and how to phrase. today is not that day. so we'll save that for later.

so, i'm in the midst of a dilemma. see i don't really feel ready to have another child right now, more precisely i'm not ready to be pregnant right now. on the other hand, i'm pretty much out of time so time to fish or cut bait. and my relationship might not be in shape for it either but ya know; i've sorta come to the understanding that my destiny doesn't include that kind of petaled pathway.

wow. this is getting dark heavy anyway.

ya know the sad thing with this whole being fat thing is that i'm really not at the moment. i just look bad. ya can't squeeze an inch of fat on me except for my stomach. which brings me back to my post from a little bit ago - i need a boob job. i have taked to two other people who agreed with me on this. you have bigger boobs - your figure looks more hourglass so it's okay to have a little belly. maybe after the aforementioned possible baby to be i'll get some giant boobs. be easier than losing weight - apparently!

i have to plan my vacation - like now. i have some thoughts about going to michigan. and a rough plan to go to south carolina/north carolina/virginia. i have eight days to use before the end of march. and somewhere i have to squeeze in a second pogues concert. they are touring from march 4 until the 21 - maybe i should just take three weeks off.

so i suppose i should start putting a piece of poetry in every once in a while, huh?

It comes up on me; Sneaks up stealthy
Though Goddess knows, I’m not healthy

The gnawing and scratch;
The ache for more
Open the door
Can’t get enough
(Frickin whore)

Paste this hole
The piece someone stole
That I can’t find

Is it in my heart? or in my mind


alright kids - ya'll sleep tight - remember i love you and


Also . . . I can kill you with my brain