grrr

the skin at the base of my left pinky is friggin itchier than itchy

tonight's hobby obsessing over the largeness of my pores (i think it's time to start doing that skin regiment thingie). i'm sure i'll be back to have a grating in the back of my mind bsession about my weight tomorrow. nice to mix it up every once and a while.

so the foot itself has been hurting lately. BUT i think i have figured out all of this. i mean, a certain amount of pain is to be expected but . . . it's because i don't walk or run or swim or any of those forward motion exercises. i haven't in a while. i really think that's it. so that's what i have to do. well, i mean, not the running thing - that's never gonna happen. no day no way. you couldn't get my ass to run before i was all cripplefied. i did try one season in high school. uck! anyway, hopefully it works.

so last november i went to my friend adam's 40th birthday party. i reconnected with adam at latin school's class of 1987 reunion. yes, again, the one i went to with gideon - friggin things circle. but anyway, at his birthday party i got a chance to connect with some other people i haven't seen in a long time. in particular cathy. she and i were very tight. but i dated someone inside the group and when he and i started to have problems i didn't talk about it at all and he did pretty much nothingelse so of course i was the bad guy. there was more to it than that but that was a major piece of it. so anyway - after cathy and i did a fairly stunning rendition of meatloaf's paradise by the dashboard lights; we got to talking about her cancer remission and mastectomy and etc etc. well, i found out about a week or two ago her cancer has resurged and is in a variety of areas.

so i gotta wear my mouth guard faithfully for the next week and if my tooth is still bugging me i'm gonna have to at least pull that one out.

i so wish i had telekinesis. although, i did manage to reorganize his play room and move the furniture around and i am one load of laundry away from NO DIRTY CLOTHES IN THE HOUSE whooooo hoooooooo i'm so excited that you'll have to

Excuse me. I have to call everyone I've ever met.

i almost forgot again. yikes!

and yeah, there isn't much going on in my head except to tell you how cute my kid is - just one of those days.

well, either that or i could tell you the laundry list of things i have to do - cuz that's what's going on in my head at the very moment.

here's the song that's been in my head all day - well, a few lines of it anyway



so when it rains it pours - carl now has two jobs he's applying for. one is what he really wants to do and one is an awful lot of money (well, to us). i'm really hopeful for him that hears from them both around the same time and one says no. it would just make things much easier

so - for you michiganders - tuesday is the big day. the three turn in their essays on how they are planning to use the bailout to rise above business as usual. no commentary - just pointing it out if you want to keep abreast of these things.

in other news - http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/health/39530622.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUnciatkEP7DhUsl

not that i see that ending the debate

you say it isn't enough? you say you want more

were you born this big a pain in the ass?

i'm no hypocrite

so when i tell you that i would so bang joss whedon. i have a long history of dating nerds. as my friend lisa from high school put it a little while ago. someone else asked if i had a crush on the same guy in hs that lisa did and i said 'oh, no' and lisa was like, "yeah but you always dated those weird guys" so i name off a few - "what gideon was cute; mark; ian . . . " and lisa says "no, they were cute i just mean they were all ya know . . . inelligent or something" heehee okay; maybe ya had to be there but anyway it's not that the guy is famous. it's that he's brilliant; insightful; mesmerizing and fucking hilarious. needless to say i enjoyed dollhouse immensely. and just wehn i tried to go to bed i stumbled on the george carlin mark twain award special so - another late night.

the boy has taken to calling us all animals this week. we i like a lot better than when we are trains but still it is a little boggling where he comes up with this stuff. i am bear; carl is bug; my mother is sheep and he is pig, which is why he is pink. nod and smile my friends -lotsa nodding and smiling.

i'm hoping that last night i may have actually been able to do one of those parent things. when he is playing he wants to keep playing or reading or whatever he is involved in so he won't necessarily listen when you call him and he doesn't trust that what he is doing will be ther when he gets back. which i suppose is kinda reasonable at a daycare. i figured i would let him watch thomas before bed so i called him and said come here for a minute. he says, um i can't i'm just doing something. so i called him again. i won't walk you through each one but we did this maybe 10 ten times. so finally i said well, i'm shutting off the television. well, he comes running. shows up all bright eyed. i said, i'm sorry but you weren't listening so we can't watch television. so maybe . . .

anyhoosier, i got off to a raucous start - thought for sure ya'll were in for a novel today but there is dinner and a show. course, all that is taking place in our tv room but hey, still. oh i can hear you now; you're saying . . .

All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.

that kid better stop crying before 9pm

cuz dollhouse is one then and i'll have to turn off the monitor and if he falls and breaks an arm i won't know because i will be watching the brilliance that is joss whedon.

speaking of joss, that is why i am posting now. no, not because the kid is crying. they were crocodile tears that stopped before i even started the second paragraph. but i wanted to post before i see dollhouse to say this - - - ya know when people talk about friends that they have had that because of one thing or another it doesn't matter what that person ever does again they will still adore them. that is how i feel abou tthis dollhouse thing. it doesn't matter if it sucks. joss brought me buffy and angel and firefly and yes, even dr. horrible's sing a long blog and therefore i will watch this show until it ceases to suck or they yank it off the air. at which point i will buy it's dvd's. good gravy i hope i don't have to eat those words.

speaking of friends and expectations, what a strange place my life is. ya know i told you i have that sort of drive by approach to friendship. yet in practice i have these weird . . . i don't even know what they are. i'd just like to be a reasonable degree of friends with a few people and go out every once in a great while. is that so bizarre? and then relationship (ie boyfriend) - yeah, well, i'm still not gonna talk about that but suffice it to say that isn't what i intended either. so how is it exactly that most things in my life are fairly polar opposite of what i would like them to be / what i always intended them to be?

speaking of things i didn't intend, there is the fact that i made the mistake of donating once to a cancer fund and now two of them tag team me every night for roughly four hours a night - not to mention all the calls that i am not here for and since i don't want to say 'i'm not donating to cancer' but at the same time i don't want to say 'sure i'll donate; please call me every day for the rest of my life' i just ignore the calls or periodically hit answer and end simul atque. plus some 1800 service number that i'm pretty sure wants to give me the grand prize to a giant poop in the pants.

speaking of poop in the pants. when will my child potty train?? every time he makes a developmental jump i pray it will be his last for a while so he can concentrate on getting in touch with his inner underwear wearer.yeah, i wish i had something glib to say about that but i really don't. what i do have is a pimple the size of asia on my chin.

speaking of asia and pimples, the first dollhouse may or may not take place in asia but i bet eliza won't have pimples. look, give me a break i'm exhausted. i went to bed at 10pm last night like a good little doobie. ya know what happens when i do that?? i wake up at FOUR THE FUCK AM!! and am unable to return to nigh nigh land until 5.30 just so i can get up at 6.30 mofos! why was i up at 6.30 you might ask? to go to the worst cpr class in history. and actually *that* was really weird. what happened to me personally in that class i mean, nothing to do with the class itself. but that will have to wait because whedon is calling.

and speaking of whedon i've decided the way to share my favorite quotes is to change my tag each post. you'll know it because it will be bold (both in coloring and in its supreme whedonesqueness) but really - - joss waits for no ma'am so . . .


if the apocalypse comes, beep me

it's 10pm - why won't your toddler sleep

the scene is a small kitchen table and a little boy shoveling vegetarian sausages in his mouth as though there had never been food before but taking a breath to notice the coffee mug with a snowman "look at the scarf momma, it's red; and he has a big smile and look at his hat and two eye buttons and he has other buttons and there's a carrot and he's white; is he white momma? you're right he is white. does he have buttons - look at his other buttons. the pig is trying to be pink and he has a head and two ears. he's looking for the bug . . .' which is all to say he does not tire of the sound of his own voice. the kid cracks me up. i get tired just listening to him.

so, in today's herald this guy is trying to sue boston college for having a cross in every room. now, if he was pissed about crosses and ten commandments in statehouses that kind of thing i would be all over that shit. but bc for those of you that don't know is a private catholic college. now i have sympathy for those that feel slighted as these all went up over winter break without discussion with the non-catholic elements on campus. so sympathy abounds now get over it. i went to a catholic college and while they accepted my nonbelief i still had to see 'he of the tiny loincloth' in all of my classrooms. frankly i was far more outraged by the 11pm curfew and no boys in the room thing ;)

i am one damned sleepy girl.

here's a story of interest to me - i won't moralize on it too much http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/02/12/40_years_worth_of_thanks/?s_campaign=yahoo

so what should i get carl for v-day? let's bear in mind people that we are in slow steady reparation phase at the moment. yeah, i know you guys didn't know that - well, ttttthhhhhhpppppttttt. for whatever reason this is the thing i don't feel like talking about in general audience. isn't that weird. i'll lead you through the scores of my darkest hours but for whatever reason . . . .

now listen kids tomorrow is the day you should have all been waiting for - dollhouse - watch it!! Cuz I can kill you with my brain . . . :) and yes that signifies i'm gonna start a new tag. again from buffy. complain if you like . . .

I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that

the more things stay the same / the less they change

so, it has just occurred to me that when bob mackie designs clothes he isn't designing them for women but rather really really svelte drag queens. not that i have ever spent much time before considering what bob mackie does and why - nor will i likely again.

my belly is in excruciating double over and scream pain at the moment except that i rarely double over and scream. but i will say it is extraordinarily difficult to type or even think at the moment.

so amongst the people the internet has brought back to me is my first college room mate. kyla. i love; adore kyla. i had considered naming malachai kyla if he was a girl. now i couldn't use the name because otherwise it would be kai and ky. it wasn't so much that i wanted to name "her" after kyla but i really like the name and it's the only name that i really like that i also really like the person. i don't think i'm making any sense. we shared a room that just barely fit two beds; two desks; two bureaus. as small as they could legally make it. and believe me i'm not just saying that because it was college etc etc. cuz my next two dorm rooms were like mansion suites .. . actually one of them literally was a mansion suite. but i digress.

so here i am 17 and an only child from boston about to room in a shoebox with the oldest of 6 children from fort kent maine. on the face of it she and i were polar opposites - physically she was 5'2" with a little pixie face and a very large bosom. also, she was very shy and quiet. ah, but there's the rub. she was quiet outside the room - - - inside the room on the other hand yap yap yap heehee noone believed me. they would say, how do you guys get along so well? oh, also, i used to like to pick her up which she wasn't quite as thrilled with :) so we would talk about everything. although i tended to be more quiet in the room. and we would talk into the early morning. a lot about politics and race and the like. and we disagreed on so very many points to the point where we would be near tears in frustration with one another. and yet, we had only one actual argument in the whole year. but i don't want to talk about that cuz even now - 20 years later the look on her face makes me sad. oh, and how things dovetail. kyla planned a surprise party for my 18th birthday and invited gideon down for it. it was a great party - bunch of 17 /18 year olds running around a motel.

i suppose that was all a little disjointed. i'm sorry. my belly, foot and hips hurt; my mind is buggled and i've miles to go before i sleep

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

that probably would have sounded more commanding if i wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas

i am the queen of boredom or of being bored whatever.

there's a woman at my work that i am thinking of killing so that could be entertaining. i'm just tired of people's crap - really. fucking minefield. the lack of logic; consistency and self reflection annoys the piss out of me but bleh

so then, i've taken tomorrow off. i went to the doctor today - maybe i have strep maybe not. he put me on penicillin either way. so either tomorrow i will feel much better and be able to get some shit done or there will be sleeping all day.

if a then you can expect little from me. if b - maybe more so.

carl is going after a new job. writing for a tech mag. it looks really good. i'll be very happy if he gets it. mostly because i think he'll be happier. plus writing is what he intended to do all along. he has a passion so he should be doing it. believe me if i could come up with a job that was "for me" i would damned well be doing it. not that i've let go of the teaching idea. but i've already told you i'm looking at that cuz it's closer.

so this guy is damn close to a hero to me http://billknott.typepad.com/ he is a poet and an extraordinary teacher. he was the first writing teacher who engaged in concrete/ how to / here's the problem criticism. his class brought me to life. i wrote some of my best pieces under his tutelage and loved the shit out of every minute of it. while he was my teacher i never read any of his poems - except one in another poetry class by accident - it was in one of our textbooks. some years later when i looked into going to grad school in arizona i went to their writing house on campus. basically a small ranch house; very small just filled with books of poetry. swoon - well, ish - truth is i don't like a lot of other people's poetry but that is a story for another time. but it is actually why i didn't read his poetry to begin with; i was afraid i couldn't take him seriously if he sucked anyway, i sat down and read his poetry. and <3 <3 he is rough exteriored but still simply phenomenal and has now taken to publishing every day and offering his poetry for free.

it's funny; when most people say they miss college they mean the friends, the partying, the lack of responsibility and believe me i miss all of that as well but what i really miss is the classes. i miss talking about things - philosophical; psychological; the craft of art; the art of everything. religion - politics. i miss talking about these things in an intelligent - let's explore what it really means way. not that there wasn't any emotion but . . . sigh, in college, even beer time was mentally stimulating. well, okay, not all the time

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

spent

i'm still sick. maybe more so. and i've typed three or four emails and a long im which have all left me . . . as i said. plus truth be told i'm annoyed. but the following is NOT what i'm annoyed about and should be read in a matter of fact (perhaps slightly dark humoured) tone of voice.

ya know what's ironic? i take my friendships and my actions in them very seriously - i've made a pattern of that for quite some time. no, that isn't the ironic part. when i was about ten or eleven i had a conversation with my mother. i told her i didn't need anyone. she was very concerned felt that i was detached etc. but i said / was trying to say there are people i like having in my life/want in my life but i don't *need* anyone. she spent a long time - that day and a lot of other days unwittingly convincing me that i needed other people to a kind of severe degree as well as a few other twists to that - eventually convincing em that something horrible will happen if people aren't there for me. i don't have enough blog space to explain the depth of crap in that idea or the thousands of ways i have disproved it.

now, before i go any further, the message of this is NOT to criticize my mother she didn't understand what i was saying to her and i was her kid and she was worried.

now, back to the irony, so here i am this person intense in my friendships but the truth of the matter is that *at heart* i am more or less a drive by friend. not that i don't connect - i like to connect / i'm good at it but then i like to sorta keep moving. which is actually pretty well proven by all the friends that i either didn't or barely kept in touch with. there are -wow- there is almost no one that i have kept in touch with for more than ten years in a row. i'm more fickle than even i thought. so there you go.

so that was the ironic part. now for the random thought part - some days i really wish i could just not interact. at all. grrrrr

but for both the irony and the randomness - i suppose it's too late to change my stripes now especially since my only childness makes me realize that when my parents die - that's that.

all of that contrasts against the intensity of connecting with my boy. yep. it's a good thing. the boy fell asleep on me today and it's the best. and not cuz he's all warm and toddlery and happiness and smells better than bread. but what's really cool is that he has that sense of comfort in me. that i am able to do that for him - that he is content to pass out on me like that. that he seeks me when his world needs a temporary fix. i'm all non-jelled jello just thinking about it.

here's another poem. although this one sucks a bit but it's new so there's that:

only the bottom, the end, the full stop
when no final jerk is coming
(well, there's always some jerk coming)

but the dirt nap,
pushing the grass
only that is the end of hope
er, i mean despair
no difference;
one always living inside the other
interchanging places
like jung's kaleidoscope
the blood bubble of yin and yang

are we clinking glasses
or slamming them over?

only the long sought sod sleep
ends the desire

o, god, let it end the desire


here's another thing - i'm willing to bet you consider that a mostly if not entirely dark poem whereas i consider it mostly funny. OH

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

did anyone else see that truck

the one that hit me. i'm fricking exhausted. i've slept most of the day and literally done nothing else the rest of it and if i stand up for more than a few minutes . . . in fact, i have lots of thoughts but i have no idea how many words i will actually be able to type

so ironically a certain someone made some actual points; mm, not points but real facts. i concur there is a state that can be reach where one interacts with a spiritual world. and in fact yoga is a pathway; course that needs to be sought after and worked on believe me it doesn't happen just cuz you decide to touch your toes. we part ways on the what that means as well as what eccles actually said and meant. but in the strictest sense it isn't worth discussing.

needless to say i didn't make it to yoga tonight but it wasn't because i was dissuaded :)

i'm eating cookies and drinking peppermint tea. i've eaten a lot of crap today. sigh. chocolate even - kim can tell you how weird that is.

i started a poem yesterday - it's horrible but eh:

my mind wiped clean
smooth as walls
flat and unchallenging
why clog up the cells
when there's an overgrown soul
Begging for more

hard spiraled band of pain
dotted between throat and heart
a simple fingertips worth of pressure
on my clavicle could shatter the silence
send the teeth to chatter

his is the name sits on my tongue
with my mouth glued shut
in the early morn
a stretch; a yawn
and i've pushed his face
out of my mind

my mind wiped clean
smooth as walls

seriously though why don't you guys get the wonder of joss whedon. i think my next project will be to assemble some of his greatest quotes. the mastery of language just kicks

my son has still not fallen asleep - he is in his crib blowing raspberries and giggling to himself.

cookies are calling

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

cuz there's a chance you might not yet think i'm crazy

often. very often. not always but frequently when i wake up or just as i'm falling off to sleep i find myself feeling like i am not myself. i think, what am i doing here. and by here i don't mean in my house or room or 'what am i doing with my life'. i mean here - inside this body. i think; this is not me. i haven't a clue how to explain this properly. when i was in kansas city; at the beginning of my nervous breakdown i had a conversation with barbara - my old roomate. first girl i kissed actually. anyway i was telling her that i had this nagging feeling like there was something that i forogt; something on the tip of my brain. that is very similar to this feeling that i am referring to. actually sometimes it happens just as a matter of course. during the day. i wish i knew what it was / is - thought i feel fairly certain it's spiritual. perpetual; there is something i should i be doing; if i only knew what.


so there's that. in other news my leg is all swelly which i am hoping is just because of my tevas. the strap i mean, hopefully i just had it too tight. but my leg is kinda whacky lately. sometimes i think it's getting better and sometimes i think it's declining.

david boreanaz' body is just well, it's ridiculous how hot he is. i'm gonna try to go to yoga tomorrow. i really have to pick up my schedule. but honestly i sorta seem to be lacking motivation in a number of ways. i was getting a lot accomplished until late august. and then there was the flea thing. it's just recently occurred to me that sublimating gideon's death has contributed heavily to my inertia. i just didn't see it because it started before his death. the whole flea thing just undid all the work i had done and so for a couple of weeks it was hard to get started again. and then gideon died. now, honest to goddess, when i say it didn't occur to me i mean until today. i kept thinking that i was just ahving a hard time starting up again. but duh.

i was doing some spells for a few weeks there but most of them were to remove fear or blockage etc. and i think i might just have flooded myself because i've been having a hard time with the part two of the spell.

well, that's all i got and i find myself exhausted yet again. maybe i will see you in your dreams

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

blinding blinding blurry

that's pretty much how my head feels. but there are banana chips.

oh, and also, i let him watch some tv tonight and remembered why i don't usually. nothing bad - just - wonder pets for example is . . . well, downright bizarre.

i think i broke my brain. i went to go to yoga tonight - by my mother's house. i took a different route than usual and got lost. i hate driving. a lot. and there's pretty much nothing worse than driving around and literally not going anywhere.

i'm debating whether to go to fetish night tomorrow. dance club with latex. i feel too fat for latex but maybe i could use a night out. i guess we'll see how i look in my new ball gown. did i tell you i bought a latex gown? it's purty.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B001CBM7JS/sr=8-1/qid=1233973901/ref=dp_image?ie=UTF8&s=apparel&img=PT03&qid=1233973901&sr=8-1&color_name=x

malachai's "best friend" won't be at the daycare anymore. they are moving. they said goodbye / gave each other a hug. it will be a week or more before he realizes. i'm so sad for him :(

so a friend of mine - his birthday was on the 2nd. i said happy birthday. he wrote back and asked me for a spell. the last time we spoke was beginning of november. i told him i was having a hard time. he basically said he didn't have time. i mean nicer than that but that was the idea. so i started to just help out and then i thought okay so i will give you a spell and some ideas how to do it but i fear if i do it for you i will end up resentful. which is what i told him. nicely. honest. told him to give me a few days to make up my mind and gave him some advice about how to get it ready regardless of which one of us did it. i have to say though that this is fairly typical for me and my relationships which is part of why i feel so isolated right now. i joked about 'the bastard' that pushed me into talking about gideon but in truth i appreciated it.

the problem is this on the one hand i seem to have more than my fair share of quite obvious one wayed ness (see above). on the other hand, i know i have a tendency to hold people to the same standards i hold myself and those are pretty damned stringent. and admittedly i am quite empathic. no, that is not tooting my own horn. there are plenty of things i suck at but i have a strong sense of people's emotions. so what to do. the easiest answer is to not do anything for other people or at least seriously limit it. but the truth is that in addition to my empathy i really LIKE to do things for other people. but then i worry that i am weak; perceived as a doormat. and there is a sting when i need something. although i am feeling that less and less. these are all very old themes and i have come a long way on them but they still pose questions. all of which was a long way to say - - i am trying to decide whether to do this spell for this guy or not.

i really have to get back to my own spell for the year end / initiation. i was really making some head way with them and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

my foot is cold

i hate that. the bad foot. it gets really cold a lot. circulation dealee i guess.

so my eyes are not quite so swelly. i almost look normal again. maybe i feel better - we'll see. there is a possibility that i am just too tired to feel anything at the moment.

so for those of you who have said or feel that i should not be this unhappy because i have my son. i love my son - beyond explanation. but he is not FOR me - i am for HIM. what i mean is that i have seen way too many people put their happiness on their children. it's a great deal of pressure on the child - it just plain isn't right. and yes, he makes me happy but the point is that it's my job to love him even if he makes me incredibly miserable. idk if that makes sense to you. a friend suggested that i should go away for a mini vacation just me and kai. but the fact is that i am fighting isolation here. it's connection i need. and again- yes, i feel connected to my son. very much so but he can't help me and i wouldn't dream of asking. and if you are reading - the only reason i didn't tell you that then is that i knew that didn't feel right but i couldn't put into words why which i suppose might have been influenced by the whole half a brain thing.

i am actually considering going away for a weekend without him. though i'm not sure i could spend a weekend without him.

so lux interior died. of a disease of all things. who woulda thunk it.good article here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2009/feb/05/cramps-lux-interior-dies
and this is the man at 60 and his wife at 55



mmmmm chicken soup

so, the initiation - not sure. maybe march. i'm also looking into a shamanism workshop. it's the weekend of march 28th. i've actually already done the basic workshop which is what this is but i don't exactly have proof so they might make me take it again before i can move on to the more advanced stuff.

oh, i meant to respond to you kim and i forgot - why do you think a bed is the answer to pooping in the crib?

well, kids - one week and one day to dollhouse!! whooo to the hooo

my teeth are all starchy so i'm gonna go do something about that and

Also . . . I CAN kill you with my brain

ah friends

there to lend a helping hand when you need one or to greet you after a horrible night with "you didn't blog!!"

i actually did blog around 9 and this is how it went:
nd if yiyu cna't see his igt l. . . a foool


this isn't the last of thints to sYEJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

only the j's went on about twice as long; actually i don't know how long they went on cuz they left the page. woke up at 2am with the computer on my lap. i thought about cheating and just changing the post time but i'm lazy and stupid not a liar.

i got drunk. very very drunk. and did a lot of crying. and awful lot of crying. cuz really what goes better with crying than drinking? did i mention i'm irish?

i have done a fairly admirable (to me) job of containing myself / my emotions on the subject. then some jackass started asking questions yesterday - wanted me to talk about it. then i went home looked at some letters and yeah, that was pretty much the end of that. lots of tears; lots of beers that then graduated to tequila and messy im-ing.

so, yeah, i guess now you know how yesterday went. so don't be hatin'. after all i said blog365 not necessarily in a row and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

you can run your whole life but not get anywhere

SocialD bitches!!

anyway that's pretty much how i feel - except i haven't done as much drinking - unfortunately. i need to do more - a lot more. a binge worth.

tonight was imbolc. well, okay last night was imbolc but tonight we had our rites. we call on brighid of the flame to ask that spring / warmth returns again. i hope to cripe that she doesn't let us down cuz i don't know how much more winter i can take.

well, i have an early day tomorrow and i have already blown that by being up this late. i have four or five more witchcraft classes beofre my initiation - anyone wanna come?

oh - and how the rest of my day went - work = people's bullshit; exhaustion; cooking; crying yadda yadda but most importantly - don't poop in the crib! remember poop goes in the potty. that and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

i'm multicrastinating

i have to do a shitload of work and this stupid blog . . sigh i want nothing to do with any of it.

when we were sixteen - well, i was - gideon wrote me a letter; a card - wtf ever. he told me to stay gold ala robert frost / the outsiders. i actually had the poem imprinted on my grandmother's death cards (um, what are they called) certainly not because of that just because . . . well, here's the poem if ya don't know it

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
so dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

anyway, some years later i wrote a letter to gideon - i was newly returned to new england and he was still in lawrence, kansas. i must have brought that up - i don't remember what i wrote to him but judging by his response i must have been afraid that i was losing my green / gold. he told me that more than anyone he knew i had held onto it but that if i needed to change my hue then i should do so . a very very dear friend wrote me today in response to the poem i posted yesterday and said " . . . the child in you shines brightly still. You have yet to admit defeat." what is that do you suppose?

so the answer to your question kim is for a long ass while. just writing that much i had to walk away for about a half hour and that wasn't even supposed to be about him.

so here's today's poem - well, not that i wrote it today. and no it isn't about him . . . well one line might be i don't remember but all over no:

He taught me
To separate my emotions from his
He taught me
To take it with a grain of salt
He taught me
To take it without asking
He taught me
To take it how I could get it
I taught him
To take it like a man

It's not a great poem but it amuses me to no end.

alright then - i have to go do someone else's work. cuz that's what i do in this near useless life i have created for myself. can't quite cover my own ass but somehow i excel at covering other people's - so if you need your ass covered i'll be there

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

cuz truly i have not one other thing to say

actually, i do have other things to say but i fear they may be too intense. not that i'm adverse to saying intense things or even depressing things. but i like to be i a good enough frame of mind to gauge how much and how to phrase. today is not that day. so we'll save that for later.

so, i'm in the midst of a dilemma. see i don't really feel ready to have another child right now, more precisely i'm not ready to be pregnant right now. on the other hand, i'm pretty much out of time so time to fish or cut bait. and my relationship might not be in shape for it either but ya know; i've sorta come to the understanding that my destiny doesn't include that kind of petaled pathway.

wow. this is getting dark heavy anyway.

ya know the sad thing with this whole being fat thing is that i'm really not at the moment. i just look bad. ya can't squeeze an inch of fat on me except for my stomach. which brings me back to my post from a little bit ago - i need a boob job. i have taked to two other people who agreed with me on this. you have bigger boobs - your figure looks more hourglass so it's okay to have a little belly. maybe after the aforementioned possible baby to be i'll get some giant boobs. be easier than losing weight - apparently!

i have to plan my vacation - like now. i have some thoughts about going to michigan. and a rough plan to go to south carolina/north carolina/virginia. i have eight days to use before the end of march. and somewhere i have to squeeze in a second pogues concert. they are touring from march 4 until the 21 - maybe i should just take three weeks off.

so i suppose i should start putting a piece of poetry in every once in a while, huh?

It comes up on me; Sneaks up stealthy
Though Goddess knows, I’m not healthy

The gnawing and scratch;
The ache for more
Open the door
Can’t get enough
(Frickin whore)

Paste this hole
The piece someone stole
That I can’t find

Is it in my heart? or in my mind


alright kids - ya'll sleep tight - remember i love you and


Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

crazy womb

so that chick - the one with the 14 kids. these were frozen embryos - their storage time was up - so pay for more storage; donate or destroy. that's a normal person's options. well, or try to have a baby although ya know after six i'm not sure you should have any more naturally let alone with fertility treatments. but legally it's a problem who is going to be in charge of drawing that line? i mean some people don't think you should do any fertility treatments. hell, i struggled for years about whether i thought it was appropriate to have children naturally. there are so many kids already here who need a good home; we have an overpopulation problem etc etc. and i know one person (albeit a freaking nutcase) who believes that there should be forced sterilization.

so there's a woman i went to high school with - her son died. he was no more than a year old. my grandmother had two stillborns and a baby that lived for 2 or 3 days and then died BEFORE her three surviving children. the woman i went to school with is openly grieving on facebook (that isn't supposed to sound judgemental). she has started a group to raise awareness for congenital heart defects. to the best of my knowledge my grandmother barely talked to her friends about it and got pregnant again. she certainly never started a spina bifida awareness group. i just find it interesting - the contrast which i think has more to do with the times than with the people.on the one hand my grandmother's generation stifling all that pain / on the other handwe have almost made trauma the end of everything. again not a criticism. if anything happened to malachai i'm nearly certain i would kill myself. i only say nearly because i'm not sure i would even have the energy to do it. is it faith? is that alone what has made the difference?

oh kim - did i mention that i have a present for you??

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

it's all scoot's fault

this whole blog for that matter but more to the point my current dilemma. i got an invite to sign a petition that is backed by autism speaks. the petition is to push for insurance companies to have to provide speech therapy etc. to children with autism. so scoot has insisted that autism speaks is the bureaucratic arm of the antichrist but the bill seems right on. ultimately i think i am going to sign it. it's a petition for legislation not becoming part of the group. for that matter the truth is i haven't checked out scoot's take on the group so for all i know i could disagree with him. nothing personal mark, i almost never take anyone's word on anything without doing my own research; particularly if they are emotional on the subject. i agree with the petition both in terms of what insurance companies should be doing and what would be nice for taxpayers to not be doing. but what i don't agree with about the petition is that it should extend beyond autism - children born with any brain disorder that requires speech therapy private insurance doesn't cover.

so there's that. i've started back on buffy. this time i'm gonna watch the extras and special features etc. and goddess help someone if dollhouse sucks. i will not be amused. sarah michelle was pretty hot at the beginning when she used to eat.

speaking of eating. i'm really annoyed with being fat. and i understand that some of you - well, all of you are going to tell me i'm not fat. some of you will tell me that cuz you believe it and some cuz that is what you are supposed to say. but i'm not fishing for anything. i'm telling you what is truly going on in my head. i feel like i got stuck in someone else's body and i can't get out.

you know i keep thinking of things to write on a random list - ever since i wrote that first one. i'll just be walking along and think - - -so i figure i'll do another one - just here and not necessarily until 25 oh, did i forget to mention that my plan was to sit here for at least an hour and try to come up with shit to say? it was going to be longer than an hour but the inlaws will be here tomorrow so i have osme shit to do before they arrive. i could tell you more about the inlaws but i really don't want to get my blood boiling again. speaking of which david boreanaz ohhhhhhhhhhh he's hot now but by Brighid! back then he was just . . . well, he shoulda come with his own spoon . so that's where i'll start my list - only this one will be a little more stream of consciousness

1. i almost never have linear dreams and other than this one i never have dreams about famous people. however, i did have one where i was marrying (okay; too funny - joss whedon just told me i have too much time on my hands becasue i'm watching the commentary) anyway i was marrying david but then i had to ask if he was really a vampire and he got really mad and so i asked james marsters who also got mad but then they started calling each other angel and spike and no one would answer me. and we never did get to the sex goddamn it

2. and on the subject of dreams i had a dream at the end of june (2008) it was gideon and i - we were idk like we were when we were 16. i had forgotten all about that dream except that the universe is very funny. see, i keep ending up being directed to emails from or to him. when i stumbled on that one i was looking for a work email. someone wanted to know if i had received an email back in june of 08 and where do i click as i'm scrolling down "ok i'm curious" - - no, i'm not saying that now that was gideon's response to my email that i had a dream about him.

3. when i was eight or nine we got news that my mother's friend's son had died. i had visited him a year or two before. we made out - yes, really, decided we would get married. sure we were little. but a year or so later i wrote to ask him (and my mom wrote his mother) if he could come visit. we got the letter back that he died of a brain tumor. he asked for me while he was dying. i spoke to him - his ghost, whatever. i still think about him and think my son talked with him; maybe still does. and yeah, whatever, i'm crazy / don't care

4. i am a really good (i've heard great) cook and i love all sorts of food with nearly no hang ups / dislikes and yet cereal and sandwiches are things i crave all the time.

5. in college a group of friends called me scooter because they said i looked like scooter from the muppet show

yeah, so it's a good jump starter but i'm bored of it. plus, once again, my hip is hurting.

so thursday or wait, yeah, thursday went to my little new agey shop. two things - well, maybe more but let's start there. first of all there was this woman in there talking about how her nephew is one of the indigo children. it's one of those usher in the new age - - whatever. i don't want to debate its reality or lack there of mostly cuz i don't know much about it but my point is her nephew is a year old and she is basing this on having seen a blue light when he was born. i believe in the other; i believe there is more here and what your intuition tells you etc etc but good lord people. not that her thinking that is the problem - the problem is she wants to do something about it - direct the kid's life around it. just makes me mental.

anyway, what i really wanted to tell you ws that i found this book "refuse to choose" by barbara sher. the idea is that there is a pesonality type / people that are drawn to do just one thing. we'll see - i'll keep you updated. it felt perfect. i also bought a book on soul retrieval. oh and kim i bought you a present.

so, yeah, no coherence but it's not depressing either and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

kim's trying to kill me

kim asked when i would talk about gideon - thanks kim - energy nearly spent. i don't allow much time to dwell there it's um . . . yeah, anyway.

you're right about tv kim - except i am not trying to kill brain cells. i am trying to drown them. fill my brain with images that i either have no attachment to or that are only metaphores for my own feelings. and subterfuge my feelings with someone else's . hmm, i don't know if subterfuge is the right word there . . .

doesn't help that my fucking hip has not stopped hurting for days now.

kim is right about me not having any obligation to keep you people entertained. still i hate doing this kind of post. i like to entertain people. hell, i like to entertain myself. and i swear i'll work at it. but there'll be a few more that stink of . . . well this. cuz kim's right; can't avoid it forever - it's eating me which means you're gonna have to hear about it mostly cuz ya'll love me (even if ya don't know it yet) but

Alos . . I can kill you with my brain

look they got boy whores

another fantastic joss quote

thought y'all might be interested in this clip. plus i am on a mission to convert ya :) a little back story is that the girl is supposed to be slightly psychic



anywhooo - i'm drained. anger and sorrow . . . if only they sat like knots in my stomach instead of dripping off of me / swirling around me so my aura is like edward gorey drew pigpen. so i've stuffed it down with frozen yogurt and i got not the energy for coherence.

politics - i will preface this with a free admission that i need to do more research BUT i find it hysterical that republicans are now saying we don't want to join in a bail out now that it is under a democratic president when not even a quarter ago they were fucking bail out central. but hell if nothing else so far i'm happy just to see he's doing something. cuz some mickey mouse repairs beats the shit out of sitting on our asses watching the house fall down around us.

when the hell did all the daydreaming i did as a kid turn into wallowing. suppose it doesn't matter either way it's wasted energy. neither one gets a damn thing done. still i miss hope, even if it was foolish. i have expended energy on . . .

so this weekend i will be reading through the what do i have to do for teacher cert. but don't get too excited scoot - got something else to do first.

mmmm peppermint tea

so yeah, i have been staring for a while now and i got nothing to say. i suppose maybe i should stop watching firefly since the last two shows someone died and this one someone is going crazy. if it all wasn't so damned funny.

alright maybe the blogs are wearing / hell maybe my mind is wearing because i am trying to avoid truth because it is depressing but at least it has energy. i'll have to think about which way i want to depress you :)

the postal service is thinking about / threatening to shut down one day of mail delivery. is that supposed to be the scariest of news that we have heard??

well, i'm sure you have whiplash from the non-sequiturs i keep throwing at you

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

LUSH

ha! you were seduced by the title weren't you!? ha! lush is just a soap shop. twelve years ago it was in london and they didn't have any "stateside stores". the stuff is fantabulous.

so i had a million thoughts in my head - something about turkey sausage is all i remember. but everything got hijacked by the beginnings of a poem. a bad poem but a poem nonetheless

we talked our endless talks
skirted the issue of love
we held each other's hearts
but lacking proper courage
- - -then there is a line or two about the word never

so i have moved on to firefly. made my way through angel. i watched all but the last one. the last isn't really my favorite anywya. i was highly diappointed with how it ended. there are a little more than two weeks to dollhouse. i guess i will watch the interviews / special features.

sorry this is so short but i got home late and i'm running out of time / tomorrow should be longer i will be home most of the day

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

25 Random Things

i'll post my list here for those of you that i didn't 'tag' on FB. but mostly my point in bringing it up is to say that i can't believe how long it took me to come up with that list. talking about overthinking things.

i have one more angel episode left ot watch. then i will move onto firefly. if it isn't quite time for dollhouse then i will be forced to buy dr. horrible. oh, joss, i too would gladly get anorexia for you. hell, i could use a good case of anorexia as it is.

so i thought that little bulletin i got from someone i work with about foca said obama (hosannah obama!) was signing the bill today so i went to try to look up that little tidbit and um . . . well, who the fuck knows because there is not one single article that isn't by the anti-choice crowd.

i think i have decided to go for my teaching certificate. it isn't exactly what i want to do but it's closer. more flesh on that later - it took me this fricking long to get that out of my mouth.

also, be fairly warned, i have held off nearly as long as i can - a gideon post is imminent.

here are my 25 things:

1. at first blush i can think of nothing . . . hmmmm - oh! i tend to use phrases like 'at first blush' and get made fun of for it :)
2. i was born in honolulu, hawaii - a month late
3. i have had three songs (that i know of ) written about me
4. at 13 i woke out of a dead sleep and wrote my first (non-assignment) poem and have been writing them ever since
5. i have been collecting barbies and barbie paraphernalia since i was 14
6. an infected piece of hardware nearly cost me my life / leg - two years in and out of the hospital and i got off with just massive scarring
7. as a kid i took the expression that the devil sat on your left shoulder fairly seriously and went through a phase where i tried not to use my left hand. i know someone else who did the same thing!
8. despite being an *uber*religious kid, by the time i hit second grade i refused to say under god when i recited the pledge of allegiance in school
9. i thought the words to america the beautiful were "god shed his blood on thee" - - that's what happens when catholicism and patriotism mix
10. i have dressed in drag
11. i would like to work in a capacity that gives me the opportunity to make children feel safe
12. i once avoided being jumped by pretending to be a devil worshiper
13. i did not have an epidural when i gave birth to my son and most people greet that information with a look reserved only for the unforgivably insane
14. i often know in advance / have dreams that someone is going to die
15. i was born with extra nipples. when the doctor told me, at the age of seven, that this was proof we evolved from animals i spent a few months convince i was the missing link on the darwinian chart
16. i have a touch of ocd - heavy on the o and the d ; not so much on the c
17. twice i have gotten down on one knee and serenaded someone on the dance floor just for shits and giggles
18. i love word games and logic puzzles
19. i came ridiculously close to being attacked by wild boar while lost in the mountains in italy
20. i have a cleft chin but neither of my parents do
21. i got my first period on july 4th and i remember this because at the barbecue my parents had champagne and a cake that said "congratulations cassie"
22. i like to make people laugh and feed them
23. i have a childlike (maybe childish) attachment to 'fairness'
24. i was a vegetarian for the better part of a decade but it was not a moral decision
25. when i was little i wanted to be a performer - an actress, dancer or a christian pop singer - yes, i said christian pop singer

oh and 26.
Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

damn

well, that was sent at 12.01

i started this post and then drifted . . .

i'm still counting it though so tttthhhhpppttt :) after all it's blog365 not 365 in a row. j/k i know i effed up but i still thinkt here's value in pursuing it.

we had "christmas" today with my dad and stepmother. my kid is going to be so confused about xmas. he keeps getting presents from people. and there are still a few more at my mother's. next year will be disappointing for him .

so the double date was good. it was nice. nothing particularly intereesting to report. i made my phone call /got voice mail and haven't called again yet. sigh. very sad.

there was a show on npr today oxford style debate as to whether or not george w. was the worst president of the last 50 years or maybe more. i only caught the very end of it. i'm going to have to pull it up on the npr site. karl rove was arguing the con.

carl has been coughing like he's going to die soon for a day or so. is he asleep - no, no he's not. good gravy.

well, that's it - kiskis - be good and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

frick

i think i just missed it

people in gas houses

shouldn't practice candle magic.

so we are headed out on the aforementioned double date. and in the shower it occurs to me. everything i want to talk to my friend about we can't really do in front of the (and i use the term loosely here) men. so this oughta be fun.

speaking of which i think i understate my lack of correspondence. a friend of mine called me last week - someone i have actually been waiting to hear from for a while. we were supposed to get together before the holidays and then things got all jumbled yadda yadda and so i keep meaning to call him back and i don't. he called again today and said he has some news. so either someone else we know is dead or he and his wife are finally preggers. i have no reason at all to not call him back and yet, i can barely bring myself to do it. in fact, as yet, i haven't brought myself to do it. sigh. i'm anxious just thinking about making the call. wtf is that all about??

last night i was up with the kid for like three hours. i have no idea what his problem was. he was crying and just totally out of sorts. i can nearly count the times since he has been born that he has been up like that at night. and to all you out there who's kids are like that all the time. good goddess you have my heartfelt sympathies. not that it was a big deal but i imagine if i had to do it all the time i might think otherwise.

i vaguely remember reading - on kim's blog? - about kid's following you into the bathroom while you're trying to poop. yeah, well, have ya ever tried to while a kid is sitting on your lap. i'm just saying is all.

the kid is at his gam-gam's tonight so hopefully there isn't a repeat performance.

alright - i'm gonna make this damned phone call. if we get home before midnight maybe i will do more later. let you know how the big scary phone call went. if not be good - enjoy your night

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

psychokinesis

is that so much to ask for? if i only had it.

so yep - more messiah points. obama has put the freedom back in the foia (freedom of information act). bush had changed the language of it so that you had to prove that you really needed / were worthy of a piece of information before you would be given that information. now the government has to prove that giving the information out provides a definable and imminent threat. it's like what's that thing a democratic government is supposed to have . . . oh, right transparency and full disclosure. and with those words cheney is having his 150th heartache.

so we just found out today that my son's aformentioned best friend will be going to a new center. poor little dude. malachai not the other kid. oh, and praise, well, obama, i guess - this morning i went in to get the nipper and he had his diaper off and said i want to go poopie and we went and did that. hoooray. course he would have nothing to do with the potty for the remainder of the day but hell, we are the penultimate beggars in this scenario. i'm almost certain the child will be off to college in a giant diaper. i've thought about pointing out to him that if he wore underwear instead of a diaper he would have much better / more consistent access to his penis. as it is bathes are beginning to take longer and longer.

oh and now, thanks to his father, he laughs maniacally and says "is that a willy". fantab. OH, and apparently he learned something new at school today. he sticks his finger up his nose - says tasty and puts it in his mouth. how exciting our days are becoming. my parents used to threaten to sell me to the gypsies . . . do they still have gypsies? i could threaten to sell him to brad and angelina.

we are going on a double date tomorrow. by double date i mean, i'm going out with my friend and carl is going to hang with her husband but we'll probably all be sitting at the same table. they recently got a live in nanny and found out that they get one night a month to go out as part of the financial deal. and as she put it - they don't want to go out together to which i chimed in "that's a waste of a perfectly good babysitter". seems to be a lot of that sentiment going around lately.

very exciting news - i think i will be seeing the pogues TWICE this year!!! once in boston and once in atlanta. we are going to south carolina to see my uncle and i am going to north carolina to visit and old college friend - very exciting. and hopefully squeeze ina little trip to richmond to see another college friend.

alrighty, i must go write a few emails. i am so behind in my communiques it's a wonder i still have any friends. must be my devilish grin. that and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.

makes me crazy

just not in the good way. the man is . . . . . grrrrrr!!

point in fact everywhere i look people are trying to aggravate me beyond what i have the capacity to hold. i could just nearly burst with aggravation.

when i was eleven we bought a house. well, i mean, i didn't buy it - my parents. they decided to put an addition on the house. my mother good lord that woman never met a house she couldn't remodel. seriously, she lives in a condo now - one of those brownstone type thingies - each one same layout. except her's. she knocked down a wall. anyway, i digress. in this case they were knocking down the whole back of the house. they gave me a sledge hammer. it was fantastic. i dream about it now. i close my eyes now and see that. and no kim, it isn't the same - in my scenario no one is getting their head bashed in.

so instead, i eat. at the moment i am eating yogurt covered pretzels. which are relatively good for you. i don't really eat crap all that often but the funny thing is that if you eat enough good food you still become a fat ass.

good goddess this is a depressing blog. sorry, i am on the precipice of change and it's making me irritable.

um, on an up note guantanamo prison is closing HOORAY!! how's that for some good news. i know some of those people are probably scary scary but we don't deal with scary by acting above the law. a return to law. so far the man is racking up the messiah points.

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

too freaking funny

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090122/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_oath_do_over

FRICK! the president gets a do over!! :)



so the boy said the sweetest thing. i bought him paints and he was painting and told me he was painting a boy who had a hat and was walking with his feet and yadda yadda - never stops talking - then the boy was on a seesaw, the boy was malachai and he was on the seesaw with matty. matty is his friend from school. he tells stories about him all the time. course all his stories go like this, "matty said; NO, i'm two, and YOU'RE three" and i say, oh, what did you tell matty "i said; NO, i'm TWO and YOU're three" which is to say basically his stories are about them bickering. but he loves him. so much so that he has moved to the preschool room and the only problem he has had adjusting is missing matty. so anyway, while he is drawing this picture of him and matty on the seesaw he says "matty is my best friend" it makes my heart strings tug just to type it. i mean, obviously, someone used that phrase with him but it doesn't make it any less true or less freaking adorable.

so i have to go look into this limbaugh thing. he says he hopes obama fails. and everyone has their panties in a twist over it. and I hahahahahahahahahHATE rush limbaugh (only one who is worse is that sanctimonious BITCH ann coulter) but nonetheless some of obama's plans are just completely democratic and if you are a republican why would you want to see them succeed. but then on the other you should want them to succeed in the sense that it will mean our country succeeds. so i don't want to look into it to see how i feel about rush limbaugh. the man is a the second worst kind of liar - a hypocrite and he's malicious. - -drug addicts should be forced into hard labor unless of course they are big mounthed fat asses stealing prescription meds.

my tolerance for intolerance is slim at best.

holy crap!! i just realized i didn't listen to the dollhouse thing. crap i hope it's still on!! gotta go - if it's still on i'll come back and tell you all about it. but if you still are looking for some entertainment might i suggest http://www.imdb.com/media/rm89426432/nm0244630 five by five indeed!!

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

i have got to start doing this earlier

i always have a lot to say in the middle of the day and by this point i'm, well, friggin tired. i suppose the fact that we spent over an hour doing divination at witchcraft class might have something to do with it.

i taught my son how one stands for the anthem and he swayed to the music. oh, and speaking of music i can not believe they played lord of the dance right before he took oath. i mean yeah, i'm hopeful about the guy but good gravy. for those of you who don't know - lord of the dance is about jesus for those you that don't know. here are the lyrics

I danced in the morning when the world was young
I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun
I came down from heaven and I danced on the earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

I danced for the scribes and the Pharisees
They wouldn't dance, they wouldn't follow me
I danced for the fishermen James and John
They came with me so the dance went on

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

I danced on the Sabbath and I cured the lame
The holy people said it was a shame
They ripped, they stripped, they hung me high
Left me there on the cross to die

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

I danced on a Friday when the world turned black
It's hard to dance with the devil on your back
They buried my body, they thought I was gone
But I am the dance, and the dance goes on

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

They cut me down and I leapt up high
I am the life that will never, never die
I'll live in you if you'll live in me
I am the Lord of the dance, said he

Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he

i mean realy people - as i said; really cool guy obama but WTF - no wonder people mock the whole messiah thing.


at current i am doing all things in mediocrity or in a sense of just barely holding on. never quite relaxing; never getting quite enough done. it's very frustruating and truly must come to an end shortly. i could use another week this week. or to not need to sleep for a week or inspiration or something.

also my ear is snap crackle and popping grrrrrrrr

my cynicism is breaking down

i must admit. i'm feeling a little choked up. it's the truth. forget the politics. i mean, yeah, i am hopeful about what obama can do - so sue me. if i don't have some hope at this point i might actually fall apart. but anyway forget about the current state of politics and what might or might not become of the economy; our union yadda yadda - - - okay, wait, one more thing on that. listen up folks, we are a very very young country and the fact that we haven't previously fallen apart at the seams and rebuilt ourselves already is incredible. alright, really, i'm done.

okay, so yeah, all that aside. the significance of this inauguration wells me up. i don't care you can make fun of me all you want. i sorta feel like that's what all the calling him "the messiah" is all about - people trying to dampen the hope that this situation brings. not the politic hope - the hope it means for our culture / our country. the fact is that when this man was born the civil rights act wasn't even existent.

race relations has always been a deep heart issue for me. the fact that this has come to pass leaves me in awe. i was listening to Ta-Nehisi Coates speak today on npr and he said "if you told me this was going ot happen i wouldn't have believed you, i just wouldn't have believed you" (i'm paraphrasing) the point is that is exactly how i feel.

i was wrong. i said this country wouldn't do it. i was however right that the country was more ready for a black man then a woman but i digress. i don't really know how to put it into words. i'm pretty close to overwhelmed. score one for content of character. i'm tempted to just keep on yapping but i don't have the words anywhere in me. not the right ones or enough of them.

i have lost yet something else and i'm getting sick of losing things. i swear something weird is going on here. i usually lose things just long enough to panic and chase them around and finally find them. lately, i wish for that scenario.

and on the subject of race relations happy MLK day! i listened to the MLK speech today. still chokes me up. if you didn't then give it a listen. try to forget the fact that pieces of it have been quoted to death. it's well worth it.

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

here's what blog365 has taught me

only 18 days in and here's what i have learned: i am damned near close to boring. maybe i should do a spell to make me more interesting.

but on a happier note - my head and my house are becoming a bit clearer. and even cooler - my kid and i took a nap together today. he usually isn't in favor of that. he likes his own sleeping space. even when he is sick or upset he will climb into bed with me and snuggle for a short time and then 'i wanna go to my crib'. not that he isn't affectionate - he is very much so and overall i appreciate the fact that he doesn't want to sleep in our bed but every once in a while it's nice.

oh, so andrea - yes, i am doing blog365. stay tuned for more riveting posts on nearly nothing ;)

so for a while we were trying to find a new daycare for him. i think we have settled on staying with his current one. their preschool program seems to be a huge jump from the toddler room in terms of what they do. i found a few pretty good programs i would have considered but they were september through june. i mean what the fuck. so only school teachers or people who don't work can have good care for their children. fantastic.

i'm thinking i should have a boob job.

like a tennis match without the cute skirt

i'm up / i'm down / i'm inspired / i'm the terrible sloth monster from hell

unfortunately i had a gazillion things to say this afternoon and thought that i would commit them to type later on (later being now) but i don't remember a single bit of it now. not a bit.

all this communication is a bit much for me. trying to keep in touch with people; communicating with a (nearly) three year old; work; trying to find a new daycare; trying to communicate with his existent daycare; trying to communicate with the divine for this big year end spell and this blog. oh, and trying to write poetry - well, the chants that i make up and then real; regular poetry. over - - - - - - - - load

the 'rents (dad and stepmother) are coming over tomorrow for xmas so there are many things left to do.

andrea, i hate to say that markie-mark is one of the least crazy 'christians' on the www

and on the subject of christians - imho; a christian is someone who is christ like - lots of folks reading the new testament don't qualify and lots of folks not reading any of it more than

kim yeah, battery operated boyfriend but how 'bout "battery operated baby"?

there is one thing i have learned in the last few days - mark will do pretty much anything for blueberry pancakes. well, that and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

pirate blogging

so i'm gonna make this short because i ended up staying at my mother's and she doesn't have internet - something that i actually just wrote a huge paragraph about but erased cuz i'll be nice to my mom. anyway no wireless in the house so thank you to the person who wasn't smart enough to secure their internet. and unfortunately i found out today that my new phone while it does get facebook does not allow me to sign in to blogger. it shows my posts and a little of the toolbars but won't link into them. so for one year i will have to touch a computer once a day. this may change some travel plans.

i went out with a friend from work tonight. no big just beers/ chit-chat. marc caruso for those of you that know him. he too is beyond frustrated with our company. sigh. just not a good thing. i told him he needs to go strike it rich somewhere so he can hire me. i was hoping we would hit keno (jor is it the keno) and i wouldn't have to think about it either way. but, i actually think i have a plan. came to me in the shower this morning. needs a little ironing out though.

i have had two take out sandwiches today; an order of fries; a clam chowder; half a pb sandwich; a fiber bar thingy and a hot chocolate. oh, and beer. i feel like my belly is going to explode

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

too much too much

i had a very long; very long post but it was as dark as it was long and i'm not in the frame of mind to work out what should be said and what is over the line so i'll save it and hone it for a . . . rainy day?? mmm, maybe a sunny day that i want to make rain.

oh, and kim you think you are cold!!??!! this morning we turned the heat down to about 60 or so as we do. i got home around 5.30 or so. i expected carl around 5.45 so i didn't turn it on cuz as soon as he got here i took the kid drove to my mom's and went to yoga. (oh, and sidenote for you michiganders -yoga is a STARTLING 25 minutes away) carl generally goes to karate around 7.30. so i told him if you don't turn it on now - turn on the heat before you leave. that way it would be warm when we got home. i get home around 9. it's FORTY SOMETHING FUCKING DEGREES. carl didn't go to karate at all. he's upstairs in bed and the heat is completely off. he thought i told him to shut it off. are you fucking kidding me?? this is my world. it would be funny if it wasn't so damned annoying. 2+ hours later with the heat at . . . whatever number is at the end of the dial and it is nearly 65 degrees. oh, there's a heatwave now. coruse, i say near 65 i mean downstairs which means that unless i had shut the vents upstairs it would be 112 up there because the heat regulation in this place suuuuuhhhhhuuucks assssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

i got my new phone today. a blackberry curve. the jury is still out whether i like it or not but what with it being free and all i suppose i shouldn't give too much of a crap. but carl has an iphone and (great big pouty face) i WANT ONE!! the curve takes shitty ass pictures.

OMG - so this woman at work sent out this http://www.socon.ca/or_bust/?p=1471
not that link - the content of it. there are so many thing wrong both with the fact that it was sent out but the content is just crazy. i don't mean just the fact that my opinion is not in line with it. i mean more the part where it is a crap loade of false info. the government forcing abortions?? right. fucking crazy people. i suggested we start a novena to stop the fucking of little boys by grown priests. now that's irony you can sink your teeth into!!

honestly, you know what is the most upsetting thing about the above? that if i sent out it's opposite it would never have flown. i don't blame " the administration " for that. HR would have been happy to take a formal complaint from me. my point is that us commie pinko liberal destroying american godless blahdey blahs really aren't nearly as interested in busting people's balls. i know that woman was only doing what she felt right and if i find it a bit on the hateful side well, hell, everyone has an opinion . . . and an asshole . . . she was just kind enough to show a little of both ;)

my fingers are nearly thawed and

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain

i mean REALLY!!

so i was checking out the website for dollhouse (joss whedon's new endeavor for those of you not in the know and yes, i'm obsessed with all things joss). it stars eliza dushku - MY eliza. hawt hawt eliza - - only now we can take one of those hawt's out of the equation. apparently she hasn't eaten since "tru calling". don't get me wrong; she still gorgeous but . . . sigh. her and sarah michelle should both take a swing through mickey d's.

finding all those people on facebook set me looking for photos to post and i did that. and in the process found lots of notes / letters and the likes. it's interesting that life isn't always what you think it is or thought it was - how you remember things that is. i mean there is little stuff like i can't believe i wrote and mailed so many letters. i have a whole bunch of letters that say 'i got your letter' etc. it's bizarre. i barely pick up a phone these days. craziness.

i'm still watching angel. now explain to me - they bring it up but never explain it - how can a vampire be caught on film when so many of them use a mirror system?

the boy wanted to play make believe today. he put on my coat and pretended to be momma and i had to pretend to be malachai. then he picked me up and got me bubble water and asked me how my day was . . . hysterical.

so while i thank you for your suggestions i won't be going with 'i can crack walnuts with my thighs' or 'i can turn you into a frog'. at first i thought the walnuts line was a suggestion for what kind of spell i should do.

i may well change it but for the moment i'm going with another joss classic

Also . . . I can kill you with my brain . . .

whoa; hey kim, i just realized it worked!

i did that spell for you and it worked!! i didn't ask for a new house for you because i wasn't sure how to work around all the nooks and crannies of that. so what i wrote out was that i wanted you to have a house with more space (that way left it open to your house or a new house). between your brother and your armoire . . . yay! actually, truth be told in my mind i specifically asked that your brother leave - just didn't write that part down. i know it's not a perfect world but that's not what i asked for.

so the details aren't completely hammered out but i have come up with a spell for my year and a day test. i am going to do a conversion spell. i need to lose weight. also, part of my belief in witchcraft and magic is that it is very closely related to the principals of science. so, operating on the idea that matter can not be created or destroyed - i am going to do a spell to aid in my weight loss and convert the 'mass' into energy that i will use to address getting some shit done. that's where it breaks down a little / the part about what to get done. i'll keep you posted. it's just there are so many things that i would like to do that i feel like there must be some underlying thing - courage; confidence idk something like that.

the other girl - jess had her full moon circle tonight and the working she did was to remove unwanted qualities from ourselves so i'm hoping that will help out with my final spell.

in other news . . . i almost burned down our house today. gave the chicken thighs a little fry before baking them. so then i put them in the oven forgot to turn off the burner put the oven mitt on top of the burner and walked away to watch angel (did i already tell you that carl bought me the angel series?) then it smelled a little burny. at first i thought maybe just a little drip from the chicken. mmm, no wait, the chicken was in a baking dish. hmmm i should get up. thank goddess those things are flame retardant cuz it was burned almost all the way through but not flaming but the smoke was choking me me eyes burned. it was almost scary. would have ben more so if the kid wasn't snoozing.

so back to joss whedon world as all things must eventually come. i just watched an angel episode where buffy comes to town. it's funny; overall i never really liked buffy - the character; not the show. and that's what's weird. i loved the show but the character - kinda blah and not just in the she was the only one i didn't really want to see naked; at least not after season two. i mean really couldn't someone get that bitch a cheeseburger. anywhooooooooo - not only was she kind of blah with slightly annoying mannerisms but she was usually wrong about things. i'm not saying i didn't like her at all but . . .

i have one final question. why am i the only person on earth that actually gets hungry on codeine or similar meds?

ya know, i'm thinking i should have a sign off like booya.

heavy sighs

i spend a lot of time hiding. flash games; television . . . whatever just hiding. for a while i told myself that i just wanted a moment or two alone to clear my head, what have you. but i realize now that i it's just that i can't stand the things going on in my mind. i don't want to spend time with them. and when i am doing anything real i have to be at least somewhat present and again that means that listening to some things i don't want to listen to. that i don't feel ready to handle. and no, i don't just mean the whole death thingy.

oh, speaking of death - here's a funny story: i found a recording of one of the old songs my grandmother sang to me as a baby. it's from the turn of the century so it took a while. anyway i had it sent to my mohter's house directly. i meant to tell her about it before she got it. it arrived a week ago which happened to be 5 or 6 days before the anniversary of my grandmother's death. so my mother gets this package from a small private dealer in macomb, georgia. she freaked. hm i suppose it's not as funny without my mother's expressions to go with it.

well, that was my attempt at levity. i'm just very frustrated. my job; my relationship; my poor mothering blahdey blah blah

i made it through buffy. carl bought me angel so i've started on that.

OH!! WAIT!! i have even better news then that. i bought our pogues tickets today. whooohooo well, for the boston show. we are considering going to the philly and new york shows as well. especcially since i am basically being forced to take 2 weeks of vacation before the end of march. hmmm, there i am back to things that i don't want to think about :)

it's not 20 years ago

which would explain why i have been recovering all day from last night. it was a lot of fun. laugh. a whole night of it. it's particularly warming to be just a step below sister to someone. i did do some venting that i regret but what's done can't be un

the thing with drinking is that the alcohol strips all the vitamins out of your system. in particular that all important, i don't want to kill myself b vitamin. so there's that whole extra dose of unhappy. not to mention the complete lack of brains. which unfortunately leads to bad blogging.

i have absolutely nothing. i'll try for interesting tomorrow. i'm not hopeful though :)

you know it's a special occasion

cuz i'm wearing makeup!!

i am going for a girl's night. to celebrate a friend's 40th. nancy, the birthday girl, was my best friend in high school. we lost touch in 92 or so and resumed communication in like 2003 or so. we don't see each other that often. we email more and more frequently. at this point i feel she is one of my closest friends. the shared history and shared sense of humor help actually i don't think we just have a shared sense of humor - i think we learned it from each other. me, her and her sister who of course will also be there tonight. i also heard a program on npr that connections you make in your teen years are more intense due to biological factors. the program was actually referring to first loves (you think i'm bad - she married hers; they've been together 23 years) but i would say friendships are the same. particularly, when you consider we didn't have a huge group. it was mostly me and her; until it wasn't but that is another story for another day. or not. i like dwelling in the past where we laugh but i have come to a point that i really don't want to rehash any crap with anyone. and THAT theme i will pick up later. right now i am, as usual, well, not quite late but if i don't leave i will be.

hopefully i'll have some good stories tomorrow - or at least a more coherent train of thought

half a blog - for mark

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=44095868605&h=mjzSB&u=UZndz

i read this article. it's good - i think you'll enjoy it mark. i think anyone will but . . .

i actually relate quite a bit to what this guy is saying. it's how i memorize numbers as well. only on a much smaller scale. but i often say certain numbers have a feel; it's not always a feel - sometimes it's a color or a shape (and i don't mean the shape of the number). i'm usually only aware of it though when it comes to trying to remember a number. i'll find myself knowing that it is wrong when i think - no, i remember his number was softer than that or the phone number was more cohesive (meaning the numbers all had a similiar feel to them or went in a progression of color etc)

so maybe it can be harnessed / is in everyone cuz i'm pretty far from autistic or savant.

French - Blech

so - three weeks without yoga is nobody's friend. i finally went back tonight YAY ME my ankle hurts a bit but the rest of me is feeling much better. plus since it was such a small class she went around and adjusted us and stuff and opened my whole spine. mmm delicioso.

one of gideon's friends on facebook put a post on today that she was listening to fire and rain and thinking of him. that song was on the rotation that i listened to after his death but the FIRST time i listened and thought of him (and cried) i was 17. it was my first year of college. we hadn't spoken in nearly a year. i was on the newport cliffwalk completely blotto drunk - yep, it's just as dumb as it sounds - rocks straight drop into the ocean. and at 17 breaking up / being broken hearted is just about next to dead. that was the last time i really thought i would never see him again. there were other time i listened to the song over the years and kinda/sorta thought maybe we wouldn't speak again but i knew eventually . . . . . . so things come full circle i guess, though this isn't what i had in mind when i thought i would like to be 17 again.

yes, i'm processing and all, but my overall point is more this: seeing the connection between how i felt then and how i felt/feel about gideon really drives home the intensity of the teen years. over time you forget how crazy intense those years are. actually to that end - i am looking forward to checking out this http://www.getmortified.com/ you should check it out. i'm thinking about trying out there's no shortage of angsty teen poetry in my archives!! i'm too tired to explain it in much detail and still get to the point that i'm trying to make which is about french . . .

i hate the french language. abhor hearing it spoken. poor carl actually speaks it fairly well and most women would swoon over that but i have forbidden it in the house. and after years of trying to explain how i felt about it - i finally found a way to put it in words: it always sounds like the upper and lower sinuses have come together through the fascist demands of an extraordinarily tight anus to unleash phlegm as a means of communication.

that's what i have to say about that.

i damn near forgotted

so, never did find my keys. had to bite the bullet and get a set made. oh, and while you're at it dealer folks go ahead and do an oil change and inspection sticker. so two keys; two tire; air bag signal thingy; inspection sticker. we're looking at about 500 bucks or so. not to mention the part where i spent a few hours looking for my registraion and the little decal thingie that i never put on the car. are ya sensing a pattern here.

i really hate being such a mess. i would like to just take everything in this house and throw it away and start over. bleh.

i have finally gotten to the musical in the buffy series. such a good episode. and kim, yes, i cried at the scene i posted yesterday but truly just a good piece of writing. i remember thinking so the first time i saw it.

i'm thinking i should do something different with my life - any suggestions?

i did make it to the chiropractor today so while i am still taking a lot of meds i feel a little less like crying.

i truly have not one interesting thing to say.

hmm, does anyone else feel a near burden at facebook. i have found so many people that i was excited to find and now want to keep in touch with but i have always sucked at keeping up with the people who were already in my life.

good goddess, i've whined myself to tears.

speaking of drugs . . . did you know 7up originally had lithium in it? why can't they make soda like they used to???

flattery is the . . . scariest thing my kid can do

so the boy has two beaded necklaces that he found lord knows where - one of them he calls slimey (oscar the grouch's pet worm) and the other beebee (which i think is because it is a fake pearl and he thinks of those as beads but it makes me think of kill bill everytime he says it). well, the last couple of days he's been draping the necklaces over his ears and saying he has earrings, lots of earrings, and that he is momma. and then i have to pretend to be malachai. today he says 'would you like cheerios in a little bowl'. so anyway, all very cute but here's the terrifying thing that i have been thinking about a lot lately . . . we have reached the stage where how we treat and interact with him is only part of the equation and will become increasingly less important. what becomes more and more important is how we act / what we are modelling for him. and frankly, i'm not comfortable with that.

i mean for one thing . . . i have spent the last three days searching for my keys. literally. sigh.

which is why i am cutting this short. but as part of my buffy marathon i offer this - in response to joyce's death anya is asking all sorts of "inappropriate" questions and willow finally gets upset with her and the following ensues:

Willow: Oh my God! Would you just... stop talking? Just... shut your mouth! Please!
Anya: What am I doing?
Willow: How can you act like that?
Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? Is that the helpful thing to do?
Xander: Guys—
Willow: The way you behave—
Anya: Nobody will tell me.
Willow: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!
Anya: (crying) But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.
Willow: ... We don't know... how it works... why.

Even if I wasn't currently . . . ya know . . . this is just so well written.

good thing i don't have anything on my mind.

the devil is in them

so THIS is why details matter. i was watching that movie 'next' (nicolas cage / jessica biel - dude has clairvoyance but only like 30 seconds into the future or 3 minutes - whatever) and in it they tell the old joke of the zen master and the hotdog vendor.

the way they tell it: the zen master asks the vendor to *give* him one with everything.
the way it goes: zen master asks the hotdog vendor to *make* him one with everything.

do you see?? details are important.

i could have forgiven the slip up if they only showed just a little more of jessica biel's butt.

so i guess this blog has a moral too: words have meanings. and if someone could please forward this little blogspot to alanis morrisette that would be lovely.

the moral of the story

rudolph the red nosed reindeer - if you're different people will make fun of you unless of course you can provide something useful to them and then they will like you.  before you give me the whole bah humbug lecture please respect my restraint in not mentioning it until now.  :)

the other story - in egypt under the code of hammurabi if someone were accused of 'unjustly' casting a spell they had a method to test the accusation.  the person who made the accusation had to jump in the river and if he lived that proved his accusation to be true.  moral of the story - learn how to swim and then you can eff with anyone you want. 

course when they started the whole witch killing thing here and in the uk they translated it a little differently.

one of the "witches" that was killed was named sarah good. so if she was the mistress of a household she would have been goodie good.  

my belly hurts.  i don't want to go back to work tomorrow.  the two may or may not be related.

indecision

it seems to reign my life. look around my life and you can see indecision imprinted all over it. the indecision is a giant mixing bowl of laziness, depression and fear; as well as a lack of desire, conviction, imagination or natural talent. let me clarify; i'm not saying i lack those things altogether - this isn't a pity party (but stay tuned you won't find a shortage of that here) - i just lack them in sufficient enough quantity to override the bullshit that holds me back. i'd say the fear is the primary driver which i understand is startling to a lot of people but i'm pretty much afraid of nearly everything. i mean not like expressing my opinion or physical attack or anything like that. but any sort of risk. particularly any sort of move that lacks security and / or my parents would frown on. yes, my parents - the mix of the parents that exist out here and the parents that exist in my head. OH and committment - lack of committment.

so maybe my spell should have something to do with that or one of those. i did like scoot's suggestion but the problem with his suggestion and mine is that i am supposed to document it's success (or lack thereof) and i'm not sure how . . . we'll see

i'm on buffy season four. friggin hilarious. "turns out, i suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse." there isn't one in case you were wondering.

the fat conductor

the boy watches thomas the train. it's actually not bad and the episodes where george carlin narrates are pretty damned cool to watch just because of that very fact. anyhoo, the . . . um, i don't know what the hell is - the dude who runs the train yard is called sir topham hat. i was recently told however, that in england they called him 'the fat conductor'. the person who told me that said it was because of the whole political correctness thing. maybe. but my theory is that they don't want americans to know what they call fat. because by our standards the fat conductor is downright svelte.

i have to do a spell. for the end of my witchcraft 101 - year and a day committment. supposed to pick something in my life and work on it magically - one spell or many any type of magic(s) my choice. any suggestions?

and away we go

so i committed and so . . . day 1. i suck at follow through BUT this is the year i have decided to suck less at a great number of things so who knows maybe i will pull it off.

i don't intend to write about him 24/7 but i found myself thinking of gideon again today. and believe me - i try not to. when i start i literally just push it out of my head and say 'no, i will thik about that / feel that later. then it creeps up on me. i was reading a book and it talked about smelling the clothes of someone that they were never going to see again. when my grandmother first died the smells of her things were so comforting. and after gideon died i wished i had something of his. bleh. honest to goddess this isn't my reaction to all deaths.

moving along. my body has been in horrible pain for weeks. i am still emotionally recovering from the holidays. i have gained weight and everything is in horrid disorder. and yet, i feel optimistic. bizarre, no?

i do though, i feel a positive turn of events coming along. what's not to love about this year so far - i've been watching buffy for days now - the series was an xmas present to myself. i always get myself the best gifts!!

this is the year

this is the year we won't talk about the horror of the holidays. this is the year you won't tell me how much your family sucks and oh, the laughs we would have had over my in laws. i don't meant big and mirthful but in the back of the throat and suppressed in the chest - the way we did. this is the year that we won't talk about seasonal affection disorder and whether we have it or not. this is the year that . . . well, this is the year that i go it alone.

i wish for you that you are at peace. i wish for you that, seasonal affection disorder has given way to eternal spring. i wish for you that the pain that haunted you is no more.

but if those things aren't possible then know how i hate you for leaving me all by myself.

like waves

i woke up this morning vaguely content and irritated at the same time. lay in bed letting my body wake up first. feel of poofy comforter - check; roll head off flannel pillow to cool cotton - check; push hair out of face - check. all the while letting my consciousness bubble up. no need to go shaking it by the shoulders. as i said, i'm vaguely content but also a little irritated and i'd like to try to end up on the sunny side of this equation. my eyes open - i feel good; scratchy throat haven't been drinking enough water but overall pretty good. what was the irritation i wonder. oh, right, i've had another dream about him. and the dream itself was only mildly irritating. but then that's the way our time together often was - lots of love but mildly irritating. but the irritation comes from having to remember he's dead. to have linked and spoken with him - spent time together in my brain only to have to tell myself he's dead. if i repeated any other phrase as often as i have said "gideon is dead" in the last few months it would become meaningless. no such luck.

in the dream we were getting ready to go; i was driving - a motorcycle. that piece didn't even hit me until a full half hour later.

just because i said i would

so, nanowrimo. i "failed". i did about 25k words. i say about because part of the story was an im conversation - so it counts but they weren't new words.

here's what i learned. i made a mistake with my subject matter. i chose to write about gideon's death. which was fine at first. until i reached that stage of grieving where i just couldn't think about it any more. also, it was too recent.

however, i also learned that pushing the words out isn't that hard. further ifyou pushed enough poop out eventually you will get some little bright spots of elegance.